Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop - thanks so much for your encouragement, and for sharing that you also find it difficult to differentiate between different types of protectors.  I agree that the angry part is important.  Thanks again 

Hi Blueberry - Thank you 

Hi Notalone - It helped to see what you wrote about how you frequently delete all your social e-mails without looking at them, and that you don't pay attention to friend requests, because this could easily be true for my relative as well.   I am considering ways to get around this, and currently feel like I want to pursue establishing contact.  There's a braver part of me around today, I think!   

Hope 

[Hope67]

20th June 2020

TW, as I am feeling very variable at this moment, and not sure what I might say.
I am feeling so many emotions today.  I feel very up and down mood-wise.  I feel like there's a really strong 'angst' inside me, and I also feel waves of 'anger'.  I also feel 'scared' and 'fearful' too.  Those words come to mind, and yet the experiences of those feelings are like things 'whooshing around' inside me - coming and going in waves, and each one not lasting all that long - maybe seconds sometimes.

My thoughts are jumbled, and things like 'you are such a pest' - 'you are annoying' - 'you are pathetic' - 'you are clingy' - 'you are crazy'... etc etc.  I guess my inner critics (angrier parts) are definitely being stirred up.

I know what it is that I've done - I've made contact with someone who is connected to my cousin (via Facebook) - someone I don't know, but whom I thought might be able to get a message to my cousin to let him know I've been trying to contact him.  Normally I am vague and say 'my relative' but it's my cousin, and I do want to contact him, to ask him some things about my family on that side. 

I think that there is a lot of fear about making any kind of contact with my FOO, because I know so little about them.  I've been like a detective trying to find things out, over the past few years, and I have managed to get some information, but I would like to know things from my cousin, to find out just how dysfunctional I fear things are - but also to make things more 'real' and for parts of myself to finally feel like there's believable things. 

But I feel scared now, at the uncertainty of what might happen as a result of this attempt to contact them.

*****
I am trying to ground myself and tell all my parts that it's ok - I had and have a right to contact whoever I want to, and that whatever happens, nothing bad can actually happen.  Afterall, I'm an adult now.  I am 'safe'. 

Immediately they reply with 'But I don't feel safe'

But yes, I am safe.  I am here, safe and well, and miles and miles from any people in my FOO. 

*******
I feel like crying now.  I feel upset. 

I think I triggered myself when I was writing about 'The Secret Garden' even though I wanted to do that.  Somehow admitting that I related to some of the characters there, it's upset another part of myself, who doesn't like that fact.  Who doesn't want me to show any weaknesses.  Is that a protector?  I suspect so.  But I like the Secret Garden, and I like the characters, and it's ok to talk about things, and to share things, and that's ok.

I feel very upset now.

But I recognise in writing this all out, that there are so many conflicting parts with so many different thoughts and feelings, and right now - they're all a bit jostled about, and so I'm asking all those parts - please can you sit back a bit, give us some room on this bus!  We'll get nowhere if you're all doing that. 

Wow, I feel calmer right now - it's like my Self just got on the bus, and is helping us all out.  Thank you.  They've all sat down, infact we look a bit sheepish now, they are all youngish children. 

***********
I do feel better right now.  Going to have a cup of tea.

Hope 

[Snowdrop]

so I'm asking all those parts - please can you sit back a bit, give us some room on this bus!  We'll get nowhere if you're all doing that.

Wow, I feel calmer right now - it's like my Self just got on the bus, and is helping us all out.

Yes! That's how it feels for me too . I once heard it described as being like a bunch of kids on a bus where they all keep trying to take hold of the steering wheel. Then the Self comes in, takes the wheel, and the parts sit back down.

I think you're brave for contacting your cousin, and the person connected to him. I can understand the fear, but if you're contacting them on Facebook, you can also go out of contact with them there too. There's a safety net.

[Not Alone]

Hope, I can relate to a great deal of what you wrote, the whirling emotions, the thoughts, etc.

A while back I contacted a relative in the hopes of getting some information about family. The conversation was difficult for a variety of reasons, but spread throughout the difficult, I was told some very valuable information that knocked down a big portion of my wall of unbelief. I hope that your interaction with your cousin is helpful for you. I agree with Snowdrop, you are brave for contacting cousin. Also, good to remember that you have the power to end the connection if that seems best.

[Three Roses]

 

[Blueberry]

Hope, I think it's brave of you too to try and do some contacting via Facebook. No wonder some of your Inner Children are getting wound up and your ICr. going haywire. I'm glad you could write about it here. I'm sending support and 

[Hope67]

23rd June 2020
Thank you to everyone who replied to me since I last wrote in my Journal.

Snowdrop - thanks for confirming that you felt similarly, in terms of being like a bunch of kids on a bus, and Self coming in, and the parts sitting back down.  It is a great visual and helps - and to know you feel similarly, it helps.  Regarding connecting my cousin on Facebook, I suspect it's not going to go anywhere, as I feel sure there would have been a reply fairly soon, if there was going to be one.  But I can't see any indication that the message has been read, so maybe the person I contacted hasn't actually seen my message...  But like you say, it's a safety net for being able to go out of contact again, if contact is made...    to you.

Hi Notalone - thanks for sharing that you related to a great deal of what I wrote, that makes me feel supported and validated.  I also appreciated you sharing your experience of what happened when you contacted a relative, to get family information.  Thanks also for the hug 

Hi Blueberry - thank you for saying I'm brave.  Also for saying that inner children are getting wound up and my ICr going haywire.  They're still pretty much doing that, and I'll write about that in a minute. 

**********
23rd June 2020 - so I find that I'm getting triggered very regularly this past couple of days, since I sent a facebook message to a someone who potentially knows my cousin.  It's very frustrating not having an answer, and not knowing if they even saw the message.  I'd really wish that they would just reply and say 'No, I can't help you' or 'Yes, I can help you' rather than this uncertainty about whether the message has even been seen.

It makes me feel a bit invisible and evokes feelings of abandonment and rejection - I recognise that.

Anyway, there have been some positives, because I decided yesterday to look through some Leaving cards, which I'd kept from times when I've left different jobs, over the course of my career - and I actually sat and read the words in the various cards, and processed some grief and sadness, but also some really nice feelings and thoughts about the kind words that were written there. 

Then last night I ended up dreaming about being in a room where I was once again packing up things, and I was able to say 'Goodbye' to a relationship from the past, which had not been processed previously - and when I woke up this morning, I felt much lighter, and it felt good.

So I think that is really positive, and especially as Goodbyes and endings and transitions are normally so triggering to me.  So painful that I normally can't look at them.  I feel this was real progress.

Regarding books, I've not finished 'The Secret Garden' yet, but I've started reading another book, which is by C.G. Jung, and is called 'Memories, Dreams, Reflections' and I really think it is very interesting, and I might end up quoting bits in my journal from time to time, as it really is helping me to think about elements of my childhood that are triggered by him describing his experience, and I've been able to jot things down that are helpful to me.

Realisations:
I've realised how much I can avoid certain things, and that beginning to look at them, tentatively - it's helping me. 

Decision: I'm going to keep this Journal till the end of June, and then start a new one in July!

Hope 

[marta1234]

I wanted to hop by and send you many    and support and lots of    for the many realizations you have done and your intuitive listening of your parts.

[Hope67]

Hi Marta, Thank you so much.  Did you know I'd sent you a pm a few days back - I don't know if you got it ok or not.  I feel a bit embarrassed to ask you, but I wanted to be sure if you'd seen it, or not.  It was about a post in the Cafe area which talks about the book 'The Secret Garden' - as I know you like that book and I didn't want you to miss out on the fact quite a few people have been talking about it in there.  Now I feel silly again, as I'm replying to you in here, I should probably go and say this in your own Journal...  Anyway, I've written it now.  I do appreciate what you said, and thank you 

*******
24th June 2020
Last night was so hot and sticky and I didn't sleep so well.  I had to get water to drink, and try to keep hydrated.  I remember in the early part of the night, that I started out with thoughts of wanting to go back to reunite with a younger part of myself, and I remember concentrating hard on the darkness, and saying 'I'm coming back for you' and then imagining launching myself into the depth of the night to find that part of myself.

During the course of the night, I did manage to make contact with a very frightened and terrified young part of myself, I literally just caught a slight sense of her - and I felt the dread and fear that she felt very strongly.  But I couldn't communicate with her, only see that flash and feel that sense.  But I felt that it was positive that she allowed me to see that small glimpse. 

Currently I'm considering more about my difficulty with endings/transitions - and want to remind myself of that here.

Today I read another couple of chapters of 'The Secret Garden' and I've jotted some notes, so I'll hope to pop over later to the section in the Cafe to write about those things.  So noting this for myself here as a reminder.

Some thoughts I wrote down yesterday about endings:
Never allowed time to process them.
Hardly ever worked through an ending.
Books - rarely finish them.

I did briefly go into the other forum (Out of the Fog) yesterday as well - just to read a few things there - I've not been in there very much in the past, and was curious, and it was amazing how confident people sounded in how they talked about their relationships and noticing patterns and writing about their experiences, and I was in awe of that. 

Last night I also noticed that I felt very small again, and that my body didn't feel like my own - I was once again shocked by my size and maturity (e.g. chest area) and it made me feel like I'd regressed into a much younger part in my sleep.

I also realised how triggered I am when my partner is restless in his sleep - as it feels very frightening to me, as if he's going to hit me or hurt me, and yet he's never done that, and his movements are essentially purely moving around restlessly in his sleep. 

This morning I had been rushing around, and went shopping for my elderly relative (my partner's family member), and I had so carefully got things together, so he could take them around to her - but then he came back later and said I'd forgotten a couple of things, and I felt so bad about that, I ended up bursting into tears - it was completely out of proportion to things though, as really it didn't matter so much, in the scheme of things, but somehow I felt as if I was still blended at that moment with a very small part of myself who felt like she'd tried incredibly hard to be adult and do all those things - shop, work out money etc, put groceries together, and then forgot a couple of things that needed putting together with them.

I'm feeling calmer and more adult (within myself) again at this moment, which is good.

Hope 

[Tee]

  a caring hug sent to you and all your Parts Hope . It's hard to adult when you are struggling to be and hold your parts together.    I hope that you continue to feel better.  Remember to breathe and take your time to allow your parts to heal.  I'm glad things are moving forward.

[Hope67]

Dear Tee, Thank you so much for that caring hug, and for what you said.     I think allowing for parts to heal, and giving them time and space to breathe, that is a helpful thing.   

**********
27th June 2020
The weekend is here, and I would like to try to focus on some relaxing things, to help all parts of me to breathe and heal, and so I'm going to try to listen to music that is gentle and soothing, and read things that are light and non-triggering, and spend some time also with my partner, to enjoy the weekend. 

I'm hoping to start my new Journal on 1st July. 

Hope 

[Snowdrop]

Have a good weekend, Hope.

[Tee]

 

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop - thank you 
Hi Tee - thank you so much for the hug 

**********
1st July 2020
I had hoped to start my new journal by today, but I've felt too over-whelmed this past few days.  It's as if many of my parts are activated and I now know I can communicate with them, in terms of literally having conversations - previously I was scared to ask them questions, I was just listening to things they showed me (mainly) rather than interacting in any direct way, but now I know (through experimenting more) that I can definitely interact with them, and now they are keen to express themselves in various ways, and I must admit I've found it over-whelming.

I'm thinking I need to take a break for a while from technology again - screen time, stuff like that.  Just take a break, and re-charge my self.  So I think that's what I'll do, and then when I feel ok or better again, I'll come back and hope to start a new journal, and so I'm writing this here today - to remind myself of this.

Hope 

[Snowdrop]

That's a big step forward, Hope.

One thing I've found helpful if lots of parts want to communicate is to put parts in a safe space or waiting room where they can wait  until I'm ready to deal with them. I make sure they know that I'm not rejecting them. Thought I'd mention this in case it helps with the feelings of overwhelm.

Take care, Hope. Thinking of you, and I'm here if you need me.