Rainy Journal 2022

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, thank you 
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Armee, thank you 
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Hope, thank you, I appreciate the support 
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Well today went ok.  I appreciate the support I received here.

I am exhausted and didn't sleep very well toward the end of the night.  My routine was off today and I was worried about how the day would go.  Really today starts off a hard several weeks that I worry about coping with.

I started my day off evaluating a high school student.  It was such a pleasure to meet the student and to see the class of students they were in.  Several of the students spoke to me and it was such a cool way to start the day.  It made me realize how much better suited I am for working with older students. 

I emailed my boss to say that in the future I would like to be considered for working with middle or high schoolers.  That won't change anything immediately, but it feels better to admit to myself that I don't like working in elementary schools.  The kids are fine, but the culture and environment are not a good fit for me.  If this district would shift me to working with older students, I think it would help some. 

Understanding this helps me take even more pressure off myself although it is still hard to feel out of place at this school.  I feel like I say and do the wrong thing constantly.  Navigating the social aspect of this job is exhausting.  I am tired of trying to force broken things to work.  And I am tired of pretending to be something I am not. 

Being me is so valuable and I will keep doing it.

[sanmagic7]

i second that, rainy - you are so very valuable.  i'm glad for you that you were able to realize where in the school system you feel more comfortable.  truly, i doubt you are "wrong" constantly, but i can understand how that feels.  love and a gentle, supportive hug.

[rainydiary]

I am really struggling today.

I feel like a total failure.

I'm not sure what this is about. 

I think it is somewhat about setting boundaries for myself.

I am afraid of backlash.

I have been condescended to today also which doesn't feel great.

[sanmagic7]

setting boundaries can certainly be tough, rainy.  it goes against so many messages and punishments we've experienced for doing just that while we were growing up, and possibly into adulthood as well.  people who are worth your time and talent will respect your boundaries.  the rest, well pooh on them!

one of the most difficult issues i've had to contend with was figuring out i don't have to have everyone like me.  that was a doozy, went against everything i believed for a long time.  best to you with this, my dear.  i'm very sorry you're having such a tough time.  sending love and a gentle hug filled w/ comfort and support.

[Larry]

you are such a strong person,   i am so sorry you are dealing with so much.     

[rainydiary]

San, thank you.  I'll add more below and wanted to say your words were very helpful today.
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Larry, thank you for checking in and for supporting me.  I am glad to hear from you.
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I am at bedtime and winding down for the night.  Tomorrow will be tough and I hope to take it a moment at a time.

Today was challenging for a lot of reasons - a lot of students that require so much I can't provide.  I did my best but felt rather foolish.

I appreciated San's reminder about being liked.  I do want to be liked and yet at work I am caring less and less if people like me.   I have done so much work over the years to be pleasing to others and it hasn't worked.  I do have a few folks at work that are really supportive and that helps.

As I figure out how to really be me, I have removed a lot of stuff I used to do that was really just me trying to exert control over things I had no control over.  I have been exhausting myself for years trying to guess and anticipate and be all for everyone. 

I am scared right now and worried I am not doing things right...but I also feel less agitated overall and am not holding stress like I was. 

[rainydiary]

I did not sleep particularly well last night and am not starting my day off feeling rested.

I have an early meeting today that I am worried about being late for.  I run before work because it is important to me to do that.  I used to be very strict and regimented about when I left and arrived at work....now I get there when I get there but today I need to be more timely and it is stressing me.

I woke up with a headache which triggers a memory in my body that I haven't really reflected on in a number of years.

After my I earned my undergraduate degree, I worked for a company in which I was not in any way prepared for.  I was overwhelmed constantly.  I managed to hold on for several years but it got bad towards the end when the stress started to get to me.  That job took a toll on me that I'm not sure if I have fully acknowledged.

I would wake up with a headache which signaled that I would vomit at some point during the day.  It was horrible. 

I remember speaking to a therapist after all I left that job and was in graduate school.  She asked if I had ever received a diagnosis for that - it had never occurred to me to talk to anyone about vomiting.  My sense of when and what to get help for can be very warped.

I think my current headache must be about barometric pressure.  I am also feeling the weight of things right now.

[sanmagic7]

the weight of things right now might be your own barometric pressure, rainy.  the pressure you feel to perform, to do everything right, to be looked on kindly by your colleagues, and then the time thing - it's a lot of pressure indeed. 

yeah, that whole self-care thing - so many of us were deprived of that knowledge and the practice of it.  why would we think to consult w/ a professional when something goes wrong w/ our bodies?  i've had it the other way as well - ask docs questions (why this, why that) to be repeatedly told they didn't know, couldn't find anything wrong.  i had to boil it down a lot of times to stress.  it was so frustrating, tho.

hope you got to your meeting on time and it all went smoothly.  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Hugs, rainy. That is definitely a lot of pressure, physical and otherwise. I totally resonate with the not knowing when to ask for help or even how. Wishing you peace and hope that headache passes soon.

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate the perspective of pressure - there is a lot of pressure.  I am often amazed at the ways stress has expressed itself in me.  Thank you for supporting me.
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CF, thank you for the wishes.   
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Last night I had a really intense dream right before I woke up that I said something offensive to someone.  I didn't understand what I said that was so bad but people were so angry.

I had an appointment to get my windshield replaced set for tomorrow but of course they call me today to say they need to reschedule because some technicians they need are sick.  I understand, but I am also frustrated.  The shop's hours are so difficult with my work schedule.  I may just end up taking the day off to take care of the windshield and to take a break. 

I have almost made it another week.  I had some really supportive conversations today with some folks.  I am still feeling out of sorts and not sure what lies ahead.  I don't have to have all the answers this moment. 

I do wish I didn't feel a pit in my stomach as the end of each day approaches.

One thing that was special about today: a student this moment started telling me about a time he was bit by a rattlesnake and had to ride in an ambulance and spend some time in a hospital.  This student is so inquisitive and asks me such great questions. He is the sweetest person and I enjoy knowing him.  Our conversation today ended up being about trauma - something had reminded him of the snakebite and it was cool to talk through this all with him.  I hope it helped him.

[sanmagic7]

i have no doubt it helped him, rainy.  i bet he loved the idea he could talk to someone about this 'adventure' and be listened to and heard.

end of the week - i hope you can enjoy your weekend.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Thank you San.
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I am so exhausted and discouraged after this day.

I struggle with how a few teachers communicate with me.  I walk into their room and they unload all these problems in me and seem to expect immediate answers.  Communication in that way does not work for me.  We will work our way through it and it is coming from a place of them wanting help, but I hate leaving work each day feeling like I cannot ever do enough.  I emailed a boss a question at the end of the day that I wish I had waited until Monday to ask.

Today I worked with a student that is identified as having an emotional disability (whatever the heck that means).  He had this tall tale he was telling me about how he drove his Tesla on autopilot to school and that he is actually 16 (he is probably 8 or so).  This other adult walks by and is calling him out for what he was saying.  I know that what he was saying was wild, but if that is what he needed today, then I am not going to "argue" with him. 

I find time with students so precious.  The rest of it is wearing on me and making to good moments with kids less and less wonderful.

[sanmagic7]

dang, rainy, looks like your helper personality is being felt by teachers as well as students.  i hope you can find a way to possibly playfully warding off their problems - hands up, whoa, whoa, sort of thing.  it sounds like you feel overrun by the adults you work with.  that has got to be exhausting.  i hope you can have a relaxing weekend in spite of the harsh week.  love and hugs, my dear

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs, rainy. I hope he realized you were actively listening to him. I felt anger at that other adult for attempting to control his imagination. it feels like you are a true advocate for these kids, even if it's hard.

[rainydiary]

San and CF, I appreciate your support.
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I am not sure I'll write much.

I am really distressed at going to work tomorrow.

I don't feel like I can do it.

I thought last week was going to be hard but this week feels harder.

I can't explain my distress beyond past feelings surfacing.