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Lately I've hit a phase where things in recovery and life are looking up, but it's taking a lot of adjustment to get used to. I'm still dealing with recovery things, it's just...a different level. I've been thinking about it kind of like cleaning a really dirty house. Maybe when you first start on the house, there's so much junk and grime everywhere that you don't even know where to start. But, eventually, you'll have picked up and sorted through all the piles of junk and it'll be time to start wiping down counters and mopping floors.

Maybe it's because the mess I'm cleaning right now, though still grimy, is so much less extreme than the messes I'm used to being overwhelmed by, or maybe it's because right now life seems so much more interesting and ...just has a better outlook to it even if it still seems precarious, but I've been feeling just chock full of energy, to a level where I'm kinda uncomfortable and I can't focus. I'm having ideas about things I want to do, now that I CAN do them, so fast that I can't remember them all. I want to go out and spend all my money on my new life right now! (Don't worry, I've been restraining myself.) I'm finding it difficult to hold myself back from making bad decisions or going and doing things because I'm just so exited. But it's this uncomfortable, extreme excited feeling.

And then, often in the same day, I'll kind of run out of things to do or I'll hit a lull in the day and all of a sudden I'm noticing depressive thoughts. It's like as soon as I feel like I can't act on any of this excitement and the day will pass without accomplishing anything related to whatever 53 ideas I'm having in that moment I feel like there's no point to anything at all and I start getting all existential. It's like I feel like.. "Sure, I can be excited about all these things. But in the end it doesn't really matter. I can go out and do all this fun stuff but nothing matters, at the end of the day. It's just a way to waste away your life, devoid of meaning."

I'm not sure if all of this is just my own way of processing such a stark and sudden life change after a lifetime of suffering? Or maybe it's some kind of emotional fallout or consequence of that change? At this point I can generally work through most problems of this nature on my own, so perhaps this one will work out too, but it reminded me of a description I heard once about being manic and that made me feel like I might be dealing with something which I know nothing about. Does anyone have any experience with this?

Hi guys, I had a realization but it's left me confused and wondering where I should go from here. I think I just need a rant.

For years, I've had a problem with understanding how to get past triggers. I feel like no matter what I did, or how much I emotionally processed they just wouldn't go away.

I've mentioned this on the forum before, but I used to experience abuse which revolved around schoolwork. I also had a lot of toxic ideas about work ethic, laziness and failure drilled into my head. I feel like it's made me allergic to responsibility, regardless of how badly I really want to be responsible.  So far, when I've tried to tackle this problem I've been thinking that I'm just afraid of the possibility of actually BEING lazy. I'm afraid that I could put my heart and soul into everything I do and always end up failing and that I'd be foolish in the attempt. I'm afraid that I might just be intrinsically bad at functioning as a human and don't actually possess the ability to survive in life. There's something visceral about even considering both responsibility and failure or inadequacy that's so deeply daunting and unsafe and real.   
I kept thinking that if I just understood how other people understood laziness, work ethic and failure I could sort of re-train myself to think about them in a normal way. But it just didn't click for me no matter how hard I tried to understand, the triggers were still there.

Then, the other day, I had a bit of an epiphany. All this time I was trying to not be all of those things. I was trying to find out what they really meant so I could either prove that I wasn't any of them or learn how to not be. But it's like I'm still running away from something. I still believe that I'm wrong somehow and that maybe the fact that I'm wrong justifies how I was treated, somehow. I had this thought: So what if I am lazy? What if I were to be lazy? What would happen? What if I did that on purpose?

I mean, I have empathy for people who are lazy? And I have a lot of empathy for when others experience failure. I've never thought about it before, and I feel crazy, but I guess I never questioned the connection between people being treated badly and laziness? It's silly? Who would act that way to someone just for that reason? You should be able to be lazy and to fail. You should be able to do those things comfortably. They don't necessarily even mean anything bad about you? Maybe if your laziness caused problems for other people, that would be inconsiderate but it's the being inconsiderate that's the problem not the laziness in and of itself.

But I'm not really sure what all of this means. I haven't like... really emotionally digested all of it. Should I give myself some time to be lazy and see that everything is safe and okay? It makes me question why I have these responsibilities in the first place. Am I really doing schoolwork because that's what I really want? It's caused me a lot of suffering. Why am I really doing it? I want the knowledge but everything else about it makes me feel so anxious. I'm not sure what to do with this realization. Maybe I should just sit with it for a while?

Thanks.
I've been thinking about this more today, and I wish I knew how other people felt about schoolwork. Or normal work?
Is it fun? Neutral? Impersonal? Can you feel a range of emotions while doing it? Do you genuinely like it sometimes? When it's difficult, what's that like? It's hard for me to picture something like this being challenging without it making me feel like I'm fighting for my self worth. But I always hear people talking about how kids are "bored and not being challenged" in school or like they want more "engaging challenges" so its obviously a different feeling for other people.

I used to experience abuse that revolved around school work. Now I feel like every time I do an assignment, it's like that assignment is "out to get me". Every topic or question feels like it's set up to be impossible or mess me up on purpose even if I logically know that question is easy or simple. I feel like I'm on-guard and beaten down every time I do school work. Even when I do really well and accomplish impressive things, I don't feel accomplished or satisfied. I feel like I'm stupid and struggling no matter what because that's how I felt as a kid.
I keep feeling like if I do well enough, I'll get positive attention. But even when that happens, it's never enough. I don't feel like anyone really cares no matter how impressive I am.

Kizzie, that does help.
I'm not focused as much on the abuse, at this point, as I am the tenancies I'm struggling with in myself.  I guess, based on that description, I'd be caught somewhere in the middle.
There are a lot of tenancies I had really noticeably when I was younger that I've caught and fixed on my own (not that it was easy) as I've grown up. I don't think it's really noticeable now, but there are some deeper roots of problems and finer details that I haven't worked out.
For example, since I've posted this I've more clearly realized that I think I understand or process people's attention in a different way? I'm not sure what amount of needing attention is normal. When I feel like no one is paying attention to me directly, it feels like nobody cares at all. Which is illogical. It's not like I can't reason that I know I care about people even when I'm not able to pay them attention. Even though it's illogical, I still deeply feel this way. I haven't had those attention-seeking and holding behaviors for years but I never learned how to actually feel like people care without direct attention all the time.
It seems like a trauma-rooted thing to me, which is why I brought it here.

Long time no post! I came back with so many questions.

I feel like I'm coming full circle with understanding my parents and what that means for me. I'm working out how all of my problems and theirs are so entwined. It's like one big problem spanning generations.

That being said, I'm starting to notice CPTSD being paired with narcissism/sociopathic tendencies more both in my own treatment and in materials I happen across. I'm not really sure how they work together, is this usually a Thing?

I've been away from the forum for a while but it was nice to come back to more advice. <3

I used to experience abuse that would "revolve" around schoolwork. Now I'm trying to get a high school diploma as an adult and apply for college but I'm having so much trouble. I feel like I have no work ethic? Maybe? I've looked up "work ethic" and still don't really understand what it means. That's probably part of the problem.

I think I have no positive understanding of how...to even think about working at all. Even real job work.

I've tried being mindful about what I'm feeling when I'm trying to be productive. I feel like I need to be another person if I'm doing school. But an unrealistic person. And something in my head keeps saying, even though I know the expectations are unrealistic, that I'm being like a "normal person". When I was little and struggling in school, it seemed like all the other kids could easily do some things and I couldn't understand why those things were so hard for me! So I guess I'm trying to be a grown-up version of what I thought the other kids were like.

But when I'm trying to be that person it's also like I don't have needs or feelings. Or maybe I HAVE needs and feelings but they're wrong and need to be bottled up or crushed if they're getting in the way of how hard I'm trying to push myself. I've taken a lighter workload now because I started getting resentful and angry the more I did schoolwork. I worked myself into an angry depression hole.

I also keep feeling like questions and prompts I have to answer are inherently impossible but I still feel like I'm expected to do them. Like a trick question with no right answer. Or somehow, even though they seem like unanswerable questions, I SHOULD know how to respond to them perfectly and that it's wrong for me to be frustrated. I feel like I should be ashamed that I'm struggling.
I keep getting emotional flashbacks when I'm doing work, even when I feel like I'm doing something that's not difficult for me. And I keep feeling the need to take breaks and recharge as if I'm emotionally spent when I feel like I've barely done any work!

I'm also noticing that I feel like I can't talk openly about it with people. As if this is some big shameful secret? It never consciously occurred to me that this should be kept secret? I feel like I was subconsciously keeping it closeted and away from other people knowing my struggle though. The thought of airing it out kinda scares me and I'm not sure why but the fact that the feeling is there seems suspicious.

If I only knew what kind of mindset other people have about work, I feel like I could be like "Hey, yeah. That's the way it should be! I'm gunna think about it like that from now on!" And adjust. But I feel like that's something I should have learned as a child. I'm afraid people won't understand.

I had to take an unexpected hiatus and never got to reply to any of these but I wanted to pop in and thank everyone for their input. A lot of this seems like really good advice.

I feel like so many of the ways I act around people can be explained by my situation and are understandable, but without that explanation I probably seem uninterested in people. I worry I'm too distant because I don't understand what kinds of interaction are me 'showing interest' and what's me 'just showing up'. I'm too quiet and not expressive, how can people tell if they want to be around me if I can't express who I am? What I like? How I act? How do people know when I enjoy them being around?

It's not like I'm not making effort, if people knew maybe it would be more apparent that I'm trying but I'm not like...socialized. I'm new. It's hard and I'm still learning.

But I'm scared of being honest because every time I've even tried to scratch the surface of what I've been though with someone (once with a therapy hotline!) it's like it's way too much. I feel like I'm asking them to believe I stepped out of an unrealistic horror movie. But I've been in virtual isolation half my life. The only people I had contact with regularly were abusive and a big chunk of the people in-between were causing medical trauma. I'm supposed to be figuring out how to be authentic and speak my truth. How do I even mention this though without sounding like I'm trying to be Eleven from Stranger Things? I feel like I need to tone it down or change my wording or delivery maybe from how I think about it in my head because I'm afraid I sound over-dramatic and unrealistic. Like I'm making up something outrageous for attention.

So I was talking with a group of friends that I've been hanging around with for maybe a year and a half now. We never really get into conversations that are THAT deep, and besides I'm usually quiet. But this time they had gotten into a subject that I knew would bother me a bit because of trauma (I hadn't realized how bad it was in that moment) but I was thinking maybe hearing people talk about that kind of thing was just part of like...being around people. I didn't think I was being bothered by it that much anyways. And then I realized I was like....having some tunnel vision and clocking out a bit. And then just after that I noticed I was still really telling myself to stick out the conversation even though some small part of my brain with some sense in it could tell there was something up with me. And then I got hit with a flashback and I just left. They still don't know why, gunna deal with that later.

But like. I don't think this is gunna be a subject I can avoid and I don't even know how I feel right now. There was this whole big part of my life that was trauma. A very large, developmental window of time. Years and years and years. How do I even... interact with people about that? I feel like I'm fighting back a lot of feelings from the past AND a lot of feelings from the present that I had no idea were related until just an hour ago and they're all saying that nobody really cares about this sort of thing. I keep fighting the thought that they talk about it like that because they just aren't the types to be concerned. Maybe people like me are a punchline of a joke, or we shouldn't exist at all or maybe we're just not other people's problems because they just simply don't care that much.

What's worse is that someone like me was there but I have no idea if they've ever suffered any trauma or if it was ever even as bad for them at all as it was for me. But they seemed fine. Maybe they're just more emotionally mature than I am and I should be fine too? If they knew this was a big deal for people like us, why didn't they speak up? They're the type who always does. Or maybe I'm wrong and it's never as bad for other people, maybe I just had bad experiences specifically?

I feel like that one person would want to know but I'm not sure if anyone else would. The thought of saying anything at all is terrifying. I really like the person who was leading the conversation but what if they aren't in an emotional place with themselves to be empathetic of anyone like me. That person was one of the people who started that friend group. Everyone's known them for ages except me. I'm not sure how to deal with that.

I'm not sure how much this might help other people but I've heard we have a tendency to self-isolate or become isolated by abusers, and also a lot of us have trouble socially with forming friendships so maybe it's helpful?

I've been working on the 'being social' part and one of my consistent complaints was that I kept getting this advice like "Well, pick an interest you have and join a club for that " And I did try that. But in-between being confused and uncomfortable about my own interests, being extremely anxious around people, and noticing that over time, exposure to people in this way wasn't helping I realized that that's not the way I even "make friends"!!!

Actually this board helped a lot by introducing me to the inner child stuff. I was thinking back about childhood and just so happened to be a bit frustrated about my efforts in socializing at the same time, and it hit me that I've literally never made friends that way. I never had friend groups or even good friends because I would go find people like me or who liked the same things as me? I found friends because I always found groups of people who were different from me but interesting! Those friendships worked so well because I came to the table being who I was, and I thought they were cool because of who they were. In all of my good friendships, there was always that mutual respect and curiosity and appreciation of each other for being uniquely who we are.

The caveat with of of this, when applying it to my life now, is that I'm not really sure who *I* am, so I'm not sure it's gunna work the same until I can figure out that part. But at least it's progress! I'm not going to keep forcing myself to meet people in a way that hasn't worked and that feels like a relief.

It's like I don't know how? 
I feel like, for so long, interests and things that make me happy where things that only existed in my head. Like the actual interests were real but the experience wasn't something I shared with people. It wasn't something other people saw. It was something that only existed in the form of my own feelings. It never needed to BE words that were understandable and relatable to other people.
I also feel like, when I try to talk about things I end up being hard to understand? And very wordy. I don't think I even know how to be concise about my own feelings. I wish I could go back to preschool and rebuild from "Green is my favorite color"

I think I'm worried often that I'm not communicating my feelings well enough. I know I've been stuck in isolation with a lot of people who just had no empathy for me or anyone else and, not understanding that, I internalized that I must not be articulating myself well enough. As if they might suddenly have a sense of empathy if I could just emote a little more or just put it in a way they could understand. If I could just explain the negative feelings I was feeling, maybe they'd actually be sorry.
But now I really don't know....how understandable and relateable the things I say are? If I just awkwardly start trying to express that I like things, will people understand or care?

I told my T about these responses and she looked at me like I was a GENIUS lol. I think you guys hit on something.

Happy to help goblinchild. How have you felt since? I wonder if doing some pampering or just a relaxing activity would help restore a bit of comfort?

The feeling is still floating around, but it's not as bad after I realized it was there. I've been sort-of...respecting the fact that it's there when it pops up, and that seems helpful? The nightmares stopped too.

I am realizing though that after "I acknowledge this feeling" or "I'm going to let myself have this feeling" I really don't know where to go from there. I've tried lots of things, including pampering, and none of them seem to feel right. There must be something to that.