Messages

I understand this. I'm not sure how to put it into words, but just wanted to say you're not alone. The way you feel about yourself matters and sometimes objects affect that too. Loss is difficult. It's not selfish to need things, or need a level of security.

That was very eloquent actually.

I'm not sure where to put this topic, if it needs to moved that's okay.

I got a bad haircut last weekend. (My hair was looking so nice before hand too! All I needed was a trim! Ohhhh the humanity. ) Ever since then, I've been having nightmares. They weren't about hair though, so I wasn't thinking the two were related until I woke up from one and recognized the feeling left over from the nightmare was the same feeling I was having about the haircut. Then it occurred to me that each of the nightmares were about having different things or people or situations ''taken away" from me.
After that I'm starting to notice small occurrences of this feeling in my everyday life when I feel like little things are being taken away from me.

I feel like maybe they all have something to do with feeling comfortable or okay with some situation. (Ugh like my hair  ) Which is a difficult thing for me  to explain when it comes to objects? Maybe I feel secure in the fact that I HAVE the object, or comfortable enough that I can just put some object wherever I want without feeling a need to protect or hide it. I think it's less about the specifics and more about the feeling.

This feeling seems specific, but can anyone else identify with this? I'm having trouble pinpointing where it's coming from and I have a feeling that maybe it's not as simple as "you had toys taken away from you a lot as a kid".

I've been thinking about all of this and it's really good advice. I've been going easier on myself lately as a result, and realizing that if I don't feel like I can be vulnerable it's for a reason.

I'm at a point in therapy where I'm understanding the difference in how I am when I'm alone (more authentic?) and how I am around people. (I don't feel like I have a personality apart from being anxiety-on-legs) My therapist wants me to slowly become more vulnerable, start having interests and feelings...out loud so-to-speak. I don't feel like I know how though. I feel like it would be hard enough learning to do that in a neutral environment but I'm still living with a narcissistic relative and I don't have a way to leave just yet.

How on earth do I do anything "out-loud" without getting torn apart?? I feel so protective of any likes, interests or positive feelings I DO have, I feel like they only survived by being kept inside a vault and away from people. I feel like so little of them did even survive, it's like sacrilege to just throw them out there to get destroyed.  I don't have any confidence in myself to deal with it somehow.

I find a spot on the healing porch facing the forest, with a blanket that banishes anxiety completely. I imagine the porch and forest are lit with late afternoon half-light. There are fairy lights hung on the porch and the warming glow of tiki lights in the lawn. I enjoy the coolness rising from the forest on the winds coming from the ocean.  From the forest, there is birdsong and grasshopper chirping mingling with the distant sound of crashing waves. The fireflies are just starting to float out from the trees and rise from the lawn.
My blanket smells strongly of minty Tibetan lavender. I have a large rustic mug that seems deep and endless with whatever drink takes my fancy. Aromatic steam curls up from it unceasingly. I feel comfortable, confidently at-ease and deeply rested. The seat I'm curled up in is cushy and there is catnip on the porch for wandering furry visitors.

(Not really sure which forum category to put this under?)
I'm finding myself in the middle of coming to terms with actually FEELING and processing how unloved and uncared about I was (along the extreme isolation the trauma caused) and it's intense. I can't really function. I wasn't even purposefully looking into this issue or anything, I guess one day all the bottled up stuff I wasn't feeling just started coming out sideways as disordered sleeping and in the process of looking into that, all of this came flooding out.
The intensity of this is kinda scaring me, I haven't been this depressed in ages. (Both T and psychiatrist know what's going on, I don't want anyone to worry) It feels like I could keep processing this feeling forever and I'd never see the end of it. And I can't do that! I took a break from school when I realized how intense this was getting but I have to go back! I'm not sure if I should be giving myself more time to feel my way through this or if I should just force myself to carry on with life so I'll stop moping around.
I don't suppose this is one of those things where someone has experience and can tell me what to expect?

I see this tread is a couple days old, but I wanted to add something that I've learned recently that might help. I'm the same way ToreyP described, and for a while I was forcing myself into situations because I knew with anxiety you have to kind of..acclimate yourself to uncomfortable things. But I learned that I was actually avoiding people because I wasn't being freely expressive and open about how I was feeling. Any time I felt uncomfortable, in pain, bored, any negative thing at all, I would just stuff the feeling down and internalize it because part of me really couldn't understand the concept of anyone caring about my feelings or pain. I felt like the most natural response from people to my own discomfort would be inconvenience, alienation or disgust because those responses were things I experienced about trauma. 
I understand now that I have to learn to be more vulnerable and open about how I feel in any given moment. In other words I can't stuff my feelings if I don't want to be miserable around others. I'm not sure how it's going to work, being that when I'm around others I mostly just feel anxiety but it at least feels like a relief to have something to work towards.

I've been learning that this can be a significant part of c-pstd for a lot of people, having to do with emotional development that should have happened when we were all small and receiving love and warmth from our parents. According to what I've learned, a lot of c-pstd sufferers have trouble feeling or even having a concept of that love and warmth for themselves or accepting that other people could potentially or do feel that love and warmth for them.
Does anyone have any stories they'd be comfortable sharing about working through this problem? I'm working on it myself, it would be nice to hear about any wisdom or breakthroughs other people have had, or even commiserate with people who are in the same basket.

Okay, thanks.

I've had a couple different experiences with severe ongoing trauma, with some occurring in childhood and some occurring as separate situations in  teenage years/ young adulthood. I find I don't relate 100% with the experiences of people with just childhood c-pstd or adulthood c-pstd, and aspects of both experiences have shown up as I'm finding my way through recovery. I'm not sure which board I should use here. I thought I might feel it out topic-to-topic, but I still feel a bit unsure, I still feel pretty new to all of this. Would it be okay if some of my posts might need to be moved to the other board sometimes? I'm not sure how strict the system is.