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I am not so great at keeping a journal. I tend to process through more visual- rather than word-based processes (e.g. drawing pictures - often abstract - of where I am or a process that I am working through).

However, recently, rather than starting an accomplishment journal I started an 'accomplishment calendar'. I use different markers to write on each day of the calendar an accomplishment (or two) for that day. 'Self-care', 'walk in the park', etc. I use different colours for different types of accomplishments. For me, the initial problem was feeling guilty about days with no writing, but I have since decide to focus instead on the days with colours. I am also discovering that since I have started the calendar, I want to and at some level am better able to 'accomplish' something each day. E.g. last day I gave an assertive 'no' to a project at work that I did not wish to take on and would have been too much for my current workload even if I had wanted to do it. I said no in part because I am learning assertiveness, in part because I have 'assertive' on my calendar so know that I can do it, and in part so I could write 'assertive' on the calendar for that day.

So, so far the results have been a bit mixed but overall positive and getting more toward the positive side of things as I go along and get more practice.

Yes, early in recovery and even now fairly well into recovery, I often question 'how did I get here?' Early on I asked 'am I doing this because it is what has gotten me approval?' Now I tend to ask, 'am I doing this as a form of rebellion?'. How to know?

Where I am, the libraries have some books on PTSD but very few on CPTSD. Those on PTSD generally talk about 'getting back to where you were before the trauma' because they assume (correctly for PTSD) the trauma is a single incident (car accident, death in the family, etc.). Unfortunately, this idea works badly for someone with CPTSD due to childhood abuse.

I have asked my therapist, 'how do I get back to 'before' when the trauma started in my infancy and I wasn't me yet? When the abuse started at the same time as the formation of my personality, how can I know what parts are really me and which are those inserted like parasites into my being by people like my FOO?' How do I know who I am when I was never allowed to be who I am at the time that people figure out who they are? 

It's an impossible set of questions to answer. It helped that I stopped reading books on PTSD... At the end of the day I have also decided to try and stop 'chewing on it' so much. Instead, I am looking at where I am in life, what I am doing, where I am going and doing a bit of decluttering. Physically, I am literally decluttering in my home. But more symbolically, I am decluttering in my relationships and in my internal 'bits and pieces'. I am looking at different aspects, different objects, different people in my life and asking, 'does this add to or take away from my Self?' 'Do I enjoy having this person/thing/idea/behaviour/etc. in my life?' 'Is having this [insert noun] in my life harming me or helping me?'. 

There are physical things in my apartment that I have donated to the thrift store which I have received by people who are harmful to me but not because of where they came from but because I do not like them. I am surprised to have kept a couple pieces from people I dislike because I like the pieces and take enjoyment from them despite their origins. I am also looking at items that I got for myself and from people I care about a great deal and trying to objectively look at whether or not an item fits with where and who I am and doing my best to discard, recycle, donate, etc. the pieces that do not work even though I love the person who gave them to me.

I am also looking at relationships (or trying to) based on how the interactions are working or not working now. Rather than 'hanging on' because things were good, or at least perceived to be good, in the past, I am looking at how things are in the present. I am finding that as I heal some of my relationships have become more problematic; I am seeing the abuse and the other person is resisting my ability to assert myself. In these cases, I am having to choose to reduce contact with the person or to let them go entirely. In other cases, the relationships have gotten better as I am better able to interact in healthy ways with others and better able to see the support people offer. As I declutter I am also starting to make room for new friends, which is enjoyable.

Finally, and most difficultly, I am working through behaviours, ideas, beliefs, etc. that I carry inside of myself. Fortunately, I have a good therapist to help me with this. I still do ask 'am I doing this for acceptance or rebellion?' but I am also asking 'does this serve me and who I am and where I want to be in life?'. No matter how or where I obtained an internal 'bit and piece' if it is working in my Self then I am keeping it and if it is not working for me then I am working to discard it. It is, admittedly, tricky to figure out which is which. But, I am also working on feeling my feelings and staying in touch with my instincts and intuition and taking things one step at a time.

I hope that made sense.

I am no mental health care person and have no formal training on the topic (so add several grains of salt to the ideas here) but it is possible that you are CPTSD but not Borderline. The Spartan Life Coach (found on Youtube) recently spoke about how mental health care professionals often mistake CPTSD for Borderline Personality disorder.

These support people are usually competent and well meaning but often 'Borderline' exists in their 'toolkit' of evaluative conclusions when 'CPTSD' often does not (it is still not a separate diagnosis in the DSM and PSTD itself only got in relatively recently). Because some of the symptoms (e.g. difficulty regulating emotions) overlap, the mental health professional concludes 'Borderline' as the 'closest match' when the actual issue might 'just' be CPTSD because often that is the only information that the professional has to go by.

If you only have a hammer then every problem looks like a nail...

Songwriting and comedy seem like excellent ways of processing 'realities and imaginings'.

My talents lie in a different direction so I tend to write poems and make collages, with occasional drawings/sketches/paintings to help me to process what is going on in my life. So far, I have not shared these with anyone except my therapist. To me, it's very personal and would be too much like sharing my journal (admittedly I journal less than I do the other activities). I have one friend that I might show some of my poetry but have not yet worked up the courage. I do firmly believe that choosing what and if to share and choosing the people to share with is an extrenely personal decision that each of us must, and gets to, make for ourselves.

Wow! CPTSDChild! That was awesome!  Fantastic job! 

You made such good points about trusting our guts, and being will to face a (relatively) small amount of pain and discomfort in the short run in order to protect ourselves against predators who would cause us huge amounts of pain and discomfort in the long run.

I am with you.

Thank you too. By the synchronicity of the Universe, at my last appointment with my T I had a 'buck stops here', 'I am done with all of this BS' discussion. Thank you for posting this success story. It is empowering to decide to fully protect oneself, but somewhat scary too. I really appreciate that you posted your story for inspiration. I will draw from that good energy and the good tips when faced with predators in my life 

This is a topic that I have been working through lately in my own life, and one that I have seen coming up on a couple of threads...

Whom have you told? Who in your life knows that you have CPTSD? On the reverse side, whom would you never tell? Did you have good, bad, neutral, surprising, other experiences in telling? Would you do it again? Who would you like to tell but maybe do not have the courage yet, or are unsure if it would be safe?

It's a lot of questions. Please feel welcome to respond, or ignore any or all, or to make up your own as best suits you 


In my case, I only learned about a year ago that I have CPTSD. I have likely had it since childhood but did not know that that was what it was. Recently, I have made the decision that whenever I can safely do so, and when I feel like I want to do so, I will speak my truth. I am really tired of carrying the burden of someone else's shame and guilt and embarrassment. I had no control over what was done to me, and I am tired of carrying 'blame feelings' for that. I am also tired of the unfairness that people with physical ailments can speak freely and expect and get accommodation for what ails them (correctly so) but that those of us struggling with mental health illnesses and concerns are crammed into a closet locked by shame and stigma.

That said, I am not 'out' everywhere. Sometimes, discretion is the better part of valour. And sometimes, I am OK with the situation as it is, or too tired in other ways, or just not wanting to be 'the advocate' in every situation.

So:

-my friends generally know that I have CPTSD. Some are closer to me than others so know more details. I am also very careful to treat my friends as friends; I have a good therapist to help me with the challenges in my life that need therapy.
-on the other hand, I told someone that I thought was a friend. This person, who has the background to know better, gave a 'you just have to think happy thoughts about unicorns and rainbows' response. I was really surprised. I also lost the friendship over it (they were completely unwilling to move past this position and I could not be with someone so dismissive of my challenges). But, I am still OK with the fact that I told and would likely do it again.
-I also recently told a group of collegial persons that I volunteer with. This seemed important as my CPTSD was having an impact on the work that I was doing with the group and causing worry among the other members (e.g. some were concerned that I was angry at them and wanting to quit, etc.). Generally, the telling went well. The others were respectful and hugely supportive. Plus, we reorganized tasks to make them more manageable for me. I am glad that I told and would do so again. 
-my FOO does not know. I am NC with almost all, and the FOO is essentially the major cause of my CPTSD. I am in contact with two supportive siblings but am unsure if I will tell them or not.
-I would NEVER tell the people in my immediate workplace. Here, there is a culture of bullying from the top down (the head of my section is a bully). While some of the people are likely 'safe', many of the people are also of the mindset that the bully is 'a great leader', so you can imagine the response that I would get. Most also hold social sciences, such as psychology, at best with suspicion but generally worse with contempt.
-I am unsure if I would tell another group that I volunteer with. My CPTSD does not affect my work with this group, so it seems unnecessary for them to know. I think most of these people would be safe but they are more teammates then friends. Plus, my volunteering life overlaps with my professional life and I am not sure how that would play out. And really, I enjoy having a space where I can just go and have a good time working with others for a good cause and not have CPTSD be part of it all. It is almost my CPTSD-free zone and I need that in my life.


We, as pointed out on another thread, seem to be among the last groups still 'forced' to be in the closet. I am now exploring how to safely open that closet door.  I am starting to plant seeds where I can (with apologies for mixing metaphors). In doing so, I am also surprised to learn how many others are struggling with mental health illnesses and challenges but are also hiding in the closet (or being crammed in against their will), and how many love someone who is dealing with mental illness and challenges. When I tell my truth many are relieved to know that they are not alone and that someone is willing to say something. Sometimes too, the reverse happens; someone has the courage to speak their truth and I am appreciative and relieve to learn that I too am not alone. Yes, sometimes it goes badly and you unfortunately cannot unring the bell. But the results so far have encouraged me to continue planting the seeds when I am able and in a 'good place' to do so.

I am hoping others might have stories to share, both where things went well and even where things went wrong so that we can celebrate times that went well and commiserate with times that went less than ideally and learn from both.

Currently, my goals are to find my voice and to be present in the world.

To be present I mean both in a 'staying in my body', 'mindfulness' sense but also to stop trying to hide myself away and pretend I am invisible.

Attached to the latter idea, I am working to find my voice. I feel strongly in me that I have something to contribute to the world. I am not sure yet what that is but I know that I need to find my voice so that I can say it/sing it/shout it out when I figure it out.

Of course, these goals have the necessary objectives of unburying myself from the... feces... that I have been (metaphorically) smothered under by my FOO and other abusive people in my life; figuring out what I have in me to say; learning to stay in my body while I say it; having boundaries to ward off the bad people when I am 'seen' (though I find the abusers know to look for the invisible people); and so on.

One step at a time and baby steps count!

Hi KayFly,

Thank you for checking in. When on the board I had thought every once in a while 'I hope KayFly is doing well' and sent good energy thoughts your way. I know you got a couple of rough responses on earlier postings but also knew you had school work to handle. So, I suspected you were working on things IRL. It is good to hear that you are concentrating on your studies and your real life relationships. It's good to hear you are OK.

From my perspective you (I/we) never need to feel guilty for practising self care and taking time to do what needs doing in our lives and for ourselves. I think it is awesome that you are focusing on yourself and your needs and wants. I think it is also great that you are working to find balance between the different aspects of your life, real and online, school and rest, relationships with others and self. This seems very wise to me.

I think (and was told when I signed up) that on this forum people do go away and come back. Sometimes self care means taking a break and self care is always a great choice to make. As arpy1 noted, whatever level of participation works for you is the right level of participation. I am sure everyone here will continue to hold good wishes for you at whatever level you are able to participate (including taking breaks). I know I will send good energy thoughts your way either way.

Thank you everyone for your supportive words. This feedback helped me have the courage to talk to my group.

I did it! I told them (my fellow group members). 'I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and that means that sometimes I disappear for a while, and sometimes I need a little extra help'. Phew!  Of course, I took a few days to recover from it, even though it did go well.

They were, in some sense relieved to know that I was not angry with them, not thinking about quitting, etc. and not in an immediate life-or-death situation, or any of the other scenarios that had been going through their minds - I had no idea how much worry I had caused  They were also grateful that I had trusted them with the information and very respectful in their responses. Finally, they were so supportive and helpful in that we re-worked some of the upcoming tasks so that I have what I can manage, and others are taking on some of the responsibilities that had been giving me particular difficulties. I am still pulling my weight, but we re-organized to tasks that are easier for me to do (and less triggering). I did it! I am feeling proud of myself and grateful to be working with such a wonderful group of people! I was so scared going into the meeting that I was literally trembling in the washroom right up to the last minute. But my group made it so (relatively) easy for me. I am so, so grateful for that.

Thank you for sharing your success.  It's inspiring and affirming. 

Like you I've found that when I take those steps to work through my triggers with "healthy" people and then get a healthy response then it makes things seem so much better.  And it makes it that much easier the next time.  To recognize where and how to get support and then do so, until eventually the triggers become greatly reduced.  At least that's what I've noticed for myself in the work place and romantically, as I learn to appropriately assert myself and to ask for help, with HEALTHY people, the positive experiences seem to "rewire" my brain so that I don't have those bouts of mind boggling anxiety that makes me freeze and shut down. 

I also am learning to recognize the "unsafe" people and not open myself up in any way to them.  Since those were first my parents and my exH then I first didn't recognize the unhealthy people and predict their responses.  Now that I do I find the world so so so much easier to navigate.

Again, thank you for pointing out this step for yourself.  It's truly something to celebrate and feel good about, and you have.

C. Thank you for this feedback. I will trust in your experience that it gets easier with practice. I have not had enough practice yet to tell. But, I do plan to keep speaking when it is safe and I am able to do so. It helps to know that others have already starting to plant seeds. Perhaps together we will end up with a garden or forest (or both  ;-) ).

I have CPTSD and might need a little extra help sometimes

 

Sure beats "I have CPTSD and need to hide myself away because of it." 

I remember reading a post from some time ago that we are one of the last few groups to still be "in the closet" because of the stigma of having a mental health issue.  Perhaps if we step out a bit and "stress" to others that we have a "stress" disorder, a psychological injury that is quite treatable we will feel less like we need to hide away. 

We have an Olympic champion here in Canada, Clara Hughes who did a cross country bike ride a few months back to open a national dialogue about mental health issues such as depression.  So like Clara, way to go Vanilla for daring to open that closet door! 

Kizzie, Thank you for these words of wisdom. the 'need to hide myself away...' part really resonated with me; by coincidence one of the issues I have been working on in particular lately is to find my voice and stop trying to be 'invisible' in the world (hiding was a protective strategy in my abuse FOO).

Thank you too for the reminder about Clara Hughes. I too am Canadian and have long admired Hughes both because she is a fantastic athlete and because she seems to be such a beautiful person. That she has also 'come out of the closet' has only increased my esteem for her. I am flattered that you included me with her (though I am not working nearly at that level).

I would like to avoid a general political discussion (I imagine people on the forum are of various political stripes and respect everyone's right to have their own beliefs). However, I will mention that one of the campaign platforms that Trudeau ran on was improving mental health care and discussion, and creating dialogues to help decrease the surrounding stigmas (his mother is bipolar so it's a personal concern for him). My riding went Liberal so this is one issue that I will be following up on with my MP.

EmoVulcan, that sounds like a fairly profound experience. Thank you for sharing it with us.

To answer to your question, sometimes I have an inner child and outer adult, sometimes the reverse, sometimes both adults, and sometimes both children, and sometimes, truly, I am a cat for a while (not literally, but still truly - sleep, bathe, play, eat, repeat  ).

Aside from that I also have an inner teenager, an inner infant, inner wise woman, etc., etc., etc. Although these are certainly parts of my inner Self, I tend to 'talk' to them as if they are separate beings; I find it is a useful tool when dealing with a particular issue or trigger. Sometimes, I know who to go to first for a chat, sometimes I check in with each until I figure out who is upset. Sometimes too, one will give a shout out to me to let me know about something that is going on with them. Again, this is a tool that I use; I am not really 'talking to voices in my head', though at some level I suppose I am.

I check in with the different aspects of my Self at least semi-regularly as a 'housekeeping'-type of exercise. It often helps me find clarity when I am feeling out of sorts or uncomfortable but cannot figure out why. With my new therapist, I have also discovered there are some really nurturing, protective parts of my Self that have been waiting for the opportunity to have a role in my recovery and my life. I am enjoying getting to know these aspects of my Self too.

The nutshell? The being that you met might have been a wise-beyond-years inner child, or an inner wise woman, or inner protector, or...
I am sending good thoughts that you enjoy getting to know her and that she has helpful, nurturing wisdom to bring to you. 

Thank you Kizzie and arpy1 for the kind words  . Kizzie, thank you too for reminding me that the sky, in fact, did not fall. Actually (below), things got better 


Update: Last night I spoke to the person that I had asked for help. My friend was extremely helpful and supportive . I am feeling so much better now. My friend also promised to support me in whatever way I want and need in communicating with and asking for help from the rest of the group.

My friend suggested I tell the group, in general terms, what is going on. At first I was resistant, but I think that might be the right answer. If I were suffering from diabetes, or high blood pressure, or a broken leg, there would be no issue at all in just saying that and asking for support. Why should I feel embarrassed or ashamed because I have CPTSD? I had no control over that (by definition I had no control over what was done to me), why should I 'have to' accept the 'blame feelings' for someone else's crimes? I am now practising saying 'I have complex post traumatic stress disorder and sometimes that means I will need a little extra support from the group'.

From my perspective, it is unfair that those of us with mental health illnesses, issues, and challenges are pushed into the lonely shadows by ignorance, stigmas and fear. CPTSD (and depression, bipolar, etc.) can be so isolating all on its/their own, and the problem is compounded when cultural norms further exile those of us with these challenges by making it taboo to even speak about it. It is just plain wrong that people cannot discuss their dealing with CPTSD, depression, bipolar, etc. in the same way that others 'are allowed' to talk about physical ailments such as high blood pressure, diabetes, and broken legs.

Yes, there are some places where it is unsafe (my work environment is one - I am not and will never be 'out' at work). And that too, is just plain wrong. However, I am starting to make a commitment in myself that where it is safe and appropriate to do so I will speak up (speak out?). Yes, sometimes I will be too tired or too afraid, or just not want to be 'the advocate' that day. And that is absolutely OK. But on days when it is safe and I am able and willing, then I will speak. I am tired of feeling embarrassed and ashamed of having CPTSD. I have no interest (and at the moment little capability) in being a flag bearer or 'charging into battle', but when I can safely do so, and when I am up to it, I will speak. I think this case might be one of those times, plus my friend (the voice of reason) reminded me that these people are 'safe' to tell (and might be relieved to know what is going on). Plus my friend promised that he will charge into battle on my behalf (if I want and need him to) should any of the group give a 'bad' response. I am hoping that if I can plant this type of seed, it will not only help the group function better (better communication among us and less 'mystery' about why I 'disappear' sometimes), it might also get people thinking and maybe create allies that can help break the silence. It's not a forest, or even a whole garden, but I plan on planting this seed and seeing how it grows.

Now, I just need to have the courage to do it... 

On that note, I need to sign off so I can get ready for work and do some more practising saying 'I have CPTSD and might need a little extra help sometimes...'

"...Still I'll rise...."

-Maya Angelou


"I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around"

-Dixie Chicks


OK, I might have cheated a bit. I really like that whole poem and that whole song, but they are too long to quote in their entirety here.

Laynelove, that is fantastic!

What a huge step!

It sounds like you are developing some constructive coping strategies. It also sounds like you practised good self-care.

All of these, recognition, follow-up, and self care, can be tricky on their own. You did all three! Awesome! 

Congratulations! 

Thank you for sharing this inspirational event in your life. 

Boatsetsailrose, that sounds like a pretty yucky, and somewhat awkward time. It sounds like you are doing your best to take the high road, while also setting boundaries - both of which are often difficult to do. Good for you!

Sending supportive energy thoughts your way... 

I often have TV shows on for background noise (and a 'social' feeling), and to help keep track of time, especially when I have been disassociating a lot.

For me, the numbing out comes from puzzle games on the computer (it used to be puzzle games in puzzle books/magazines) and Facebook - I have stopped both for more than 200 days now (like a recovering addict - which I suppose I am - I kept track of each day at the beginning, now a little less so). I do, however, try to be careful that forums like this one do not become the new substitute. This forum is helpful but also has the potential to keep me on the computer for too long - I always leave the 60 min. timeout active and only sign back on if I get logged out in the middle of a post, immediate logging off once I finish that particular post.