Whom have you told?

[I like vanilla]

This is a topic that I have been working through lately in my own life, and one that I have seen coming up on a couple of threads...

Whom have you told? Who in your life knows that you have CPTSD? On the reverse side, whom would you never tell? Did you have good, bad, neutral, surprising, other experiences in telling? Would you do it again? Who would you like to tell but maybe do not have the courage yet, or are unsure if it would be safe?

It's a lot of questions. Please feel welcome to respond, or ignore any or all, or to make up your own as best suits you 


In my case, I only learned about a year ago that I have CPTSD. I have likely had it since childhood but did not know that that was what it was. Recently, I have made the decision that whenever I can safely do so, and when I feel like I want to do so, I will speak my truth. I am really tired of carrying the burden of someone else's shame and guilt and embarrassment. I had no control over what was done to me, and I am tired of carrying 'blame feelings' for that. I am also tired of the unfairness that people with physical ailments can speak freely and expect and get accommodation for what ails them (correctly so) but that those of us struggling with mental health illnesses and concerns are crammed into a closet locked by shame and stigma.

That said, I am not 'out' everywhere. Sometimes, discretion is the better part of valour. And sometimes, I am OK with the situation as it is, or too tired in other ways, or just not wanting to be 'the advocate' in every situation.

So:

-my friends generally know that I have CPTSD. Some are closer to me than others so know more details. I am also very careful to treat my friends as friends; I have a good therapist to help me with the challenges in my life that need therapy.
-on the other hand, I told someone that I thought was a friend. This person, who has the background to know better, gave a 'you just have to think happy thoughts about unicorns and rainbows' response. I was really surprised. I also lost the friendship over it (they were completely unwilling to move past this position and I could not be with someone so dismissive of my challenges). But, I am still OK with the fact that I told and would likely do it again.
-I also recently told a group of collegial persons that I volunteer with. This seemed important as my CPTSD was having an impact on the work that I was doing with the group and causing worry among the other members (e.g. some were concerned that I was angry at them and wanting to quit, etc.). Generally, the telling went well. The others were respectful and hugely supportive. Plus, we reorganized tasks to make them more manageable for me. I am glad that I told and would do so again. 
-my FOO does not know. I am NC with almost all, and the FOO is essentially the major cause of my CPTSD. I am in contact with two supportive siblings but am unsure if I will tell them or not.
-I would NEVER tell the people in my immediate workplace. Here, there is a culture of bullying from the top down (the head of my section is a bully). While some of the people are likely 'safe', many of the people are also of the mindset that the bully is 'a great leader', so you can imagine the response that I would get. Most also hold social sciences, such as psychology, at best with suspicion but generally worse with contempt.
-I am unsure if I would tell another group that I volunteer with. My CPTSD does not affect my work with this group, so it seems unnecessary for them to know. I think most of these people would be safe but they are more teammates then friends. Plus, my volunteering life overlaps with my professional life and I am not sure how that would play out. And really, I enjoy having a space where I can just go and have a good time working with others for a good cause and not have CPTSD be part of it all. It is almost my CPTSD-free zone and I need that in my life.


We, as pointed out on another thread, seem to be among the last groups still 'forced' to be in the closet. I am now exploring how to safely open that closet door.  I am starting to plant seeds where I can (with apologies for mixing metaphors). In doing so, I am also surprised to learn how many others are struggling with mental health illnesses and challenges but are also hiding in the closet (or being crammed in against their will), and how many love someone who is dealing with mental illness and challenges. When I tell my truth many are relieved to know that they are not alone and that someone is willing to say something. Sometimes too, the reverse happens; someone has the courage to speak their truth and I am appreciative and relieve to learn that I too am not alone. Yes, sometimes it goes badly and you unfortunately cannot unring the bell. But the results so far have encouraged me to continue planting the seeds when I am able and in a 'good place' to do so.

I am hoping others might have stories to share, both where things went well and even where things went wrong so that we can celebrate times that went well and commiserate with times that went less than ideally and learn from both.

[Dutch Uncle]

This is a topic that I have been working through lately in my own life, and one that I have seen coming up on a couple of threads...

Whom have you told? Who in your life knows that you have CPTSD? On the reverse side, whom would you never tell? Did you have good, bad, neutral, surprising, other experiences in telling? Would you do it again? Who would you like to tell but maybe do not have the courage yet, or are unsure if it would be safe?

Great question(s).

It's a lot of questions. Please feel welcome to respond, or ignore any or all, or to make up your own as best suits you 

And only answerable with a lot of answers. And by this I do not want to dishonor/disvalue your question in any way.

The simple, straightforward and bottom-line answer: I have not told anybody*, except a few "nobody's"* on an internet forum.
*) Take the 'body' quite literally here. It does matter, in a way I don't quite comprehend/could explain myself. I want to take the opportunity to express a heartfelt "THANKS !" to the all bodiless people around here. Valueable PERSONS you all are. Make no mistake about it.

Secondarily: I have no formal diagnosis, so who could I tell? This may sound like a 'cop out', but it's not that simple/straightforward.

Tertiary: I have told quite a few people of my 'struggles in life' along the way, that now spans 50-odd years. I feel 'proud' (for lack of a better word: I 'hate' pride) that I have at least three (male) friends that have been with me on this (long and winding) road for 30 years, and are quite in-the-know about it, even while I have not uttered the word/diagnosis "cPTSD" in front of them. They know me, whatever I may 'be'.
to you, dear friends: you know who you are.

Quartiary (?): I've joined this forum a just a few months back, and I have told exactly two people about it. And I'm sorry to say that I told both of them about this forum only after I had been exiled from another such forum (which I had not even the time to tell them about) to tell them (great friends who have been very supportive (while not even 'understanding' ) on my journey the last couple of years). Both of them have expressed great skepticism to me about joining this forum (due to my previous experiences no doubt) and I'm pretty careful telling them much more about my presence (and identifying with cPTSD) here.

Fifthly: I've told quite few/a load of people I have descended into alcoholism a bit over a year ago. Between 10-20 people.

Sixthly: At the same moment in time, I decided I would/should not tell anybody in my FOO about this, lest I would be shred to pieces by them. Even more so then I already am. My FOO consists of two parents, two siblings, four offspring of siblings and a plethora of extended family. The reason I tell not anybody of them is due to the fact I do not want to inform the 'inner circle' (=the FOO in a strict sense) in any way. In regard to may of the 'outer circle' I 'hide' for fear of 'contamination', not out of fear the outer circle shouldn't know per se.

Seventhly: I've told about a dozen people I was seeking additional psychological help, and told them I have taken a SCID-II test to see if I had a Personality disorder, after an anxiety disorder had been ruled out previously. The result of that was negative, and I have been shy to tell most of them I now identify with cPTSD. Which is not to say I'm pretending to them 'nothing is wrong'. I'm just a bit hesitant to present them with another 'presumed' label I could "put on to me".

TLDR:
Specifically: no-one.
In general: a whole bunch, in various degrees.

Recently, I have made the decision that whenever I can safely do so, and when I feel like I want to do so, I will speak my truth. I am really tired of carrying the burden of someone else's shame and guilt and embarrassment. I had no control over what was done to me, and I am tired of carrying 'blame feelings' for that. I am also tired of the unfairness that people with physical ailments can speak freely and expect and get accommodation for what ails them (correctly so) but that those of us struggling with mental health illnesses and concerns are crammed into a closet locked by shame and stigma.

That said, I am not 'out' everywhere. Sometimes, discretion is the better part of valour. And sometimes, I am OK with the situation as it is, or too tired in other ways, or just not wanting to be 'the advocate' in every situation.

This resonates deeply with me. And I think what I wrote above reflects it.
(I wrote that even before I read your whole post.)

So:
[...]

Thanks for sharing all this.
Again, I can relate.

[C.]

Great great topic.  Thank you Vanilla.  It feels like another level of recovery that I'm ready to address.

And I very much appreciated your thoughtful and thorough response Dutch Uncle.

Here are my personal thoughts and experiences regards this topic

Before (4 years ago):

Early in my recovery when I just knew about the PTSD and not the C part I told a number of "friends."  In all fairness and honesty I think I was too needy of others at the time and become overwhelming for pretty much every one of those friends.  Perhaps it's b/c they were friends I selected prior to recovery w/patterns of abuse and/or neglect.  I suppose there are layers and details that all converge to create the responses I received.  So pretty much all 6-8 people either withdrew or I withdrew b/c I somehow sensed that contact w/them or their responses caused me pain.

Now (past 1 1/2 yrs):

Positive responses - I've told one close friend, my BF, and my sister-in-law.  My doctor.  My therapist.  They all responded w/empathy and kindness.  They didn't discount my diagnosis, but they didn't dwell either.  It's like they just accepted it as a part of me.  Not big.  Not little.  Just a piece of the puzzle.  They see all of the other aspects of me too.

Negative responses - My ex-boss (maybe led to me being let go? although I was able to do my job, not as well as in the past, but not so bad either).  A man who I'd begun to date - he probably had the same diagnosis and "fled."

Neutral responses - My adult daughter, my teenage son.  Three friends who I made early in my recovery.

I don't want to tell my parents, my brother - I sense this weird pity, lack of understanding combined with thoughts that they do understand, that I'm the "ill" one and they're ok.  It's all indirect and unspoken.

Your post brought a very emotional response for me.  I think it's because I feel the injustice to my very core.  The fact that others can speak so openly of their cancer, their diabetes.  Few people question and many seem to support.  Workplaces, friends, families and strangers rally round to provide support, funding, listen, hug, etc.  But many of those same people would withdraw or discount our experience.  And it's just so incredibly unfair.  Like the modern version of barbaric.

I also don't really identify as "ill"...I feel "injured"...like I have a normal response to abnormal circumstances.  And I think that I am fighting my own judgemental demons about mental illness that somehow place MI as more problematic or invalid or ? compared to cancer or diabetes or ?

Future plan:

Perhaps when I fully retire and I do not need to worry that coming out of the closet will become a liability.  Perhaps then I will become 100% "out of the closet" where it would benefit myself and/or others. 

There's a job nearby working as an advocate w/those who have MI.  The position is intended for someone in "recovery" to support others with Mental Illness.  Perhaps I need to consider that work.

Now (today):

That's as much as I probably need to share at the moment.  I look forward to this ongoing dialog.

[woodsgnome]

Telling others has been a mixed bag for me. I consider myself shy; although most others don't. I'm actually a good conversationalist, once I'm engaged, or have to be. I can be quite funny and extremely witty, which I also recognize as a deflection from the inner pain I carry everywhere. Cptsd is such a cruel mixture of pain, shame, mistrust, self-blame, and gloom; I choose to deflect it more often than not, I guess. The grief runs deep.

But sometimes it happens/slips out, at least in bits and pieces. The challenge is still my response. And I've found that scary mix of pity, wonder, and blame from those I've let into what I don't always hide too well. All they know is something's wrong, bothers me.

I want, desperately, to fully trust, but I've been shattered by a couple of people, too; then the fear resets and I shrink again. I've told myself over and over I really want to trust and it always seems to happen that I step back again.

I'm getting better, I think. Not caring so much what anyone will do with what I tell them. Trouble is, my last "trustworthy" person was anything but, and they literally spurned me as if I'm some alien for feeling hyper-sensitive.

I guess the onus comes back to me. I know I feel better if I can share, and it seems to filter in sometimes with the simplest comment (e.g. "something bothering you?"). Fact is, inwardly at least I'm close to tears sometimes...there's so much I find triggering; sometimes the most mundane things can get me there.

It's a conundrum, but like other parts of recovery, I hope to find at least a balance, if not full peace, with what seems like someting I need to find a modicum of safety about. 

[Justmehere]

I've never told anyone. I've had multiple traumas. I just learned about. The C.... I'm just diagnosed with PTSD (and a multitude of other diagnoses). Guess it would be pretty difficult to get a correct diagnosis when I can't even talk about the most traumatic events. I talk about the "minor" ones, laugh about them..hey, it's part of life, right?!. If I ever told, they would be someone to despise me more than I do myself.

[TakePainsBePerfect]

I'm pretty open about it; I've told many people, even wrote a Facebook status about going to a psychiatric hospital, but I think the reality of it has only hit a very small amount of people in my life.

I did write that I have CPTSD on an application form that asked about my health for an acting gig, and then began to question whether or not this was the reason I was rejected (I gave an excellent audition).

I have a feeling saying the words isn't stigmatised as much as showing the symptoms, but I may be wrong. It's also quite normal for people to speak openly about their psychopathology in some art circles.

[Cocobird]

When i was first diagnosed, i told quite a few people. And some of them were fine. Others pretty much stopped talking to me. And that was fine.

My daughter has been supportive, and that's wonderful.