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In my region there seem to be meetup groups that act as support groups for a number of issues and challenges that people face. I don't know if there is one for people needing this support in your area.

If you google meetup (all one word) you will find the site* - on the meetup site there is a search bar at the top where you can put in keywords and set your location.

After that, if I were looking I would ask my T, the local mental health organization, or perhaps the local hospital.



*NB I don't put the actual url because one time I gave a url on a similar forum. Several months later the site got pirated (taken over) by a porno company. Although I explained to the moderators a) it was a valid site when I posted it; b) the porn was not part of the site (nor was it likely that the host wanted it there); c) I had no affiliation with the host site or the porn company; and d) I had not control over a site being pirated especially when I had no affiliation with either organization, I still got treated very rudely and meanly and was threatened with expulsion from the group  - very traumatizing - I ended up quitting the group. So now, I suggest the site and let people find it on their own. I forward the information in good faith and that the site will be working as it should be working if you choose to visit it. I checked before making this posting and the meetup site is fine at the time of posting. I also submit that I have NO control over or responsibility for the content of the site (I am not affiliated with meetup in any way shape or form, other than to use it to find and attend meetups). I especially have no say if it is pirated by another site.

Phew! I just sent a bunch of emails related to very important correspondence that I have been procrastinating for too long - the others involved have been worried about me + the communications were necessary for a big project that we are working on + my not sending the messages has really been messing things up for everyone - ugh! 

The emails, more likely the project, are somehow all 'triggery' and terrifying to me in a way that my T and I are trying to figure out  . I get terrified and dissociate even thinking about sending the emails. It's bizarre because it is a project that I want to do, in fact am very excited to be part of, and the others involved are wonderful and supportive. We (the T and I) are starting to suspect that it is not the project or people themselves that cause the triggers but that there are aspects of the project that are attached to other, less pleasant, experiences in my life. We are working on some hypotheses now, but in the meantime the project and related communications are still necessary.

I am all shaky and lightheaded right now  but the emails have been sent 

I also emailed one of the people in the group that I consider my friend in order to ask him for help.

I sent emails. I asked for help.  I am happy but also need to go and cry now, and have some herbal tea and maybe a hot bath and breathe and recover (and hopefully stop shaking and 'wanting' to leave my body).

Thank you. I just needed to share this with others who would get it.

I often find it is difficult for me to tell if my emotional responses are appropriate to the situation. In part because I have been tightly-wound due to the abuses I experienced, in part, I am now learning because of the CPTSD flashbacks, and in part because I was never allowed to have my own feelings growing up and was often punished for expressing genuine emotion or gaslighted until I know longer knew what the 'correct' feelings were in any situation.  Because of all of that, I have even into my adult years been gaslighted by co-workers, -ahem- 'friends', and others that I have been in relationships with; they learned I was vulnerable to that form of manipulation and have taken advantage of it. 

I have been working with a therapist who has been helping to feel my feelings, where they are in my body, etc. and to practise mindfulness. That has been helping. I am finding the more I really feel my feelings the more certain I am of what those feelings are and 'ought to be' (for want of a better phrase). I have also been learning to have boundaries. e.g. abuser: 'why are you angry? There is nothing to be upset about!'. me: 'I am angry because xyz is an unfair way to treat me and you need to change your behaviour'.

In the meantime, yes, I do still have times when I am unsure if I am 'overreacting'. In these cases, I go to my trusted friend, explain the situation in as much detail as necessary, and with as much honesty as I can (even if I am feeling embarrassed by my responses), and ask her 'am I over-reacting? should I be upset by this? would an average person be upset by this? etc.' She is kind enough to tell me the truth, usually it is along the lines of 'yes, you are right to be upset, but let's look at how you can respond constructively'.

Very powerful sculpture.

Thank you for sharing this one blues_cruise. 

I tried to reply to an earlier posting that touched on this topic but go the 'too long ago' warning... so, I am starting a new thread. I hope that is OK.

I have been discovering something in therapy that has been helping me. (maybe this post belongs on the 'tools' thread?). That is, rather than trying to shut down/block out my inner critic, I have been engaging in discussions with him (mine is a him most times, though I believe that ICrs come in all genders).

With my last T when my ICr acted up, the T would 'insist' that I tell the ICr to 'shut up!' (often T would even go as far as 'shut the &^$* up!), to commit inner violence on the ICr (e.g., imagining smacking the ICr or tying up and gagging the ICr). That never sat right with me. Even though the ICr was behaving in ways that seemed abusive to me, I could never comfortably behave in abusive ways back to him. The T claimed I was in denial about the affects my ICr had on me. She was wrong; I got how the criticism hindered my healing progress and pushed me toward maladaptive behaviours, I just did not agree with the methods the T proposed for getting the ICr to leave me alone.

My new T is more holistic. He believes that all messages we receive from our inner 'selves' are important, even if it is to learn the source of our fear/anger/incorrect belief, etc. So, lately I have been just talking to my ICr and listening to what he is telling me, both in 'words' and in sensations in my body.

I have been discovering that my ICr has been very upset, especially with the verbal and other 'violence' recommended by the previous T. My ICr has also been upset because from his perspective, he has been trying to protect me from the harms of the world. Yes, he, from my perspective, is doing this in a way that is harmful to me, but he is coming from the place of a scared child whose 'job' it was (from his view) was to protect us from our abusive NM and others who were harmful in our world.

I am learning that the more I ignore and try to shut up and shut down my ICr, the more he screams and yells for attention. On the other hand, when I talk to him, we are often able to work out a solution. On occasion, too he is correct; I am heading toward an ill-advised action and it might be wise to listen to his warnings. If that is the case, I thank him for alerting me. More often he is 'correct', but from the perspective of an abused child who is not able to see all of the factors and long-term consequences of a decision. In these latter cases I try to explain to him that yes, I can see why he is afraid but that xyz make the decision safe. Either way, I also try to convey the idea that I am the adult who will protect us; he can finally take a break from that responsibility. I am finding that the more I communicate with my ICr the calmer he is becoming (though, of course he still does act up at times).

I am posting both because this is a strategy that has been mostly working for me, and which might be helpful to others, and because I am wondering, has anyone else had experiences like this - engaging the inner critic in a dialogue rather than fighting against it?

I am not sure if it is OK to make this type of posting, nor, if so, if I am in the correct thread - mods please feel free to delete or move.

I am starting this thread because in a number of discussions (especially on the 'symptoms' threads) people write about finding/losing one's self, 'not knowing who I am', 'discovering who I am', 'having a weak/strong sense of self', etc. All centre on the idea of Self, and what that means.

I am also starting this thread because I have lately been thinking (and getting angry) about how much of my 'Self' has been 'stolen' from me by my NM, FOO, and others who have preyed upon my vulnerability since.

Books on PTSD (my library has these, but not on CPTSD) often talk about 'getting back to your previous self' (before the accident, crime, natural disaster, etc. that caused the PTSD). I am discovering that this is one of the differences between PTSD and CPTSD, at least for those of us who have CPTSD from growing up in abusive homes, for me, there is no 'previous self'. Before the trauma started I was, at best, an infant but more likely in utero. It is impossible for me to go back to a 'previous self'. I think I am more on a quest to discover the person 'I would have been' or, perhaps more accurately (and appropriately?) 'the person I would like to be now'. I suppose that is another reason for this thread; I am well into adulthood and am only just, finally, beginning to figure out who I am.

So, I am posting this thread because I am curious about how people view one's (or their) 'self'. How do we lose self? How do we find it? Can we find a 'self' that had not developed before the abuse started? - is it inherent and still there, or do we need to find/create something entirely new? (or some combination of these, or something entirely different?)...

There really are no 'right' or 'wrong' answers; I think even the 'experts' debate the topic. Nor is there any obligation to answer all of the questions I posted above. Plus, tangents are welcome - it is likely I missed asking about important aspects of 'self'.

This thread is more for exploring ideas of 'selfhood' and/or how 'selfhood' interacts with CPTSD.


OK, I admit it, I also posted the thread because I enjoy a philosophical discussion but none of my 'philosophical discussion' friends really 'get' the whole CPTSD thing - though they are still sympathetic and supportive of me.

I often also have trouble making decisions. I had thought it was part of being an HSP. Many HSPs like to 'explore all of our options' and so might get bogged down in the decision-making process. I had not thought that the CPTSD could be part of it (though I have known I am HSP for about 10 years and CPTSD only for a year or so). Thank you Trace for the insight.

For reading, I normally read a lot. Recently, however I had a big EF. I know I still have not recovered because since then I seem unable to read anything more than a paragraph or two and often I am re-reading to try and figure out what that paragraph or two said.

And yes, lately I am also ending up in places and not remembering how (or why) I went there. I find this part of the fog the scariest of all.

 

Annegirl, that is fantastic! Good for you! 

Thank you too for sharing this tip. I am going to remember for the next time I have an EF. 

I agree with steamy and salera. Go with your gut and try and find someone you like - someone you can build a rapport with.

I am on my third T. The first was good and got me where I needed to be in a bad time in my life. The second, ugh!. She helped somewhat but because I felt she had the 'right qualifications' I ignored the warnings that my gut was giving me about her. I spent way more time with her than I should have, much of it stalled in the same place (one of the ignored flags). Things deteriorated and the client-T relationship ended badly... It took me more than a year to recover.

The therapist I have now is someone that I feel that I can trust. He has many of the 'right qualifications' but more importantly, I am comfortable talking to him, and most importantly I feel safe working with him. Also more importantly I am making progress again. At our first interview (he allows for a 'get to know you' session) I mentioned some things going on with me. For many he had formal training and experience. For one or two not so much but he has been doing reading because it helps me (and I think some of his other clients) to learn more about these issues.

The downside is that only you can tell what type of therapist and therapy is right for you. The upside is that only you are allowed to choose what is right for you. Again, I agree with Salsera and steamy, it might take a few tries but if you listen to your gut you will find the person that you need. I would encourage you too to keep in mind that having things not work out with a particular therapist does not mean 'failure' on your part (I say this because I felt that way with the 2nd T). I think most of us have tried more than one therapist - it is a matter of finding the right person for you and for the circumstances that you are in (and both change over time, sometimes requiring a need to change Ts too). Lack of correspondence between individuals or between a T and your circumstances says nothing about you or what you are dealing with; it just means you and the T are both human. Not every human, in any type of relationship, is going to 'click' with us. The key is to find the ones who do.

[isn't it weird how no matter how hard we try, how much success we achieve, we can never do enough to please our IC??? It was for me , nothing i ever did could ever please my mother, so i never gained any validation from succeeding at anything and I gave up trying that long ago, because i thought that the problem wasnt what i *did or didnt do*, its *who I am*, and i still think this.I hope its all a delusion i was made to believe.]

May Trigger....

Arply1, maybe this was what it was like for your growing up??
isn't it weird how no matter how hard we try, how much success we achieve, we can never do enough to please our IC???

It was for me , nothing i ever did could ever please my mother, so i never gained any validation from succeeding at anything and I gave up trying that long ago, because i thought that the problem wasnt what i *did or didnt do*, its *who I am*, and i still think this.
I hope its all a delusion i was made to believe.

Indigo, this is a great insight. I know it is true for me too. There was also the impossible double bind (instilled by my NM and quoted often by my ICr) - 'never good enough, keep trying to be better, nothing is acceptable except the best'... 'but don't be so good that you that you make me feel threatened (because you might be 'better' than me'... My ICr revels in this type of no-win situation and, yes, it is a reflection of my growing-up. I think, unfortunately, so many of us have ICr that learned their tactics from our parental-type adults (I almost said 'caregivers' but that would be a lie).

i read eckhart tolle's book new earth. something i remember is he says these voices are something like a movie reel in your head, saying a bunch of stuff. blah blah blah .  think of it as an insect.  like a mosquito in the room; annoying and hard to ignore but not significant.

Tired, this is a fantastic image. Thank you for sharing it. I think I will draw on it when my ICr acts up.

Unfortunately, I have been asking myself (and my T) the same questions. I have blurry images, and bits and pieces of 'memories', and a lot of body sensations. Recently, while working with my T I got 'pulled into' a terrifying EF-type episode of an event that seemed very real and as if it had happened (been done) to me when I was quite young, though I still have no clear memories in my mind - I remember what happened to me during the the EF-type episode but still no 'mind memories' from the actual time it happened (that I think it happened? That it most likely happened?).

I know that there are scientists who say it is not real, however I am starting to think that these scientists are wrong.

Some scientists also argue that repressed memories are real but nearly impossible to study in a clinical/experimental setting (where much of the refutations arise). For example, in his book 'The Body Keeps the Score' Bessel Van der Kolk makes a compelling argument that these memories likely are real. He argues that many who claim otherwise are looking at clinical studies. However, there are no clinical studies where children (or even adults) are severely traumatized in a way that feels life-threatening in order to see how their memories would respond; it would be completely unethical to conduct this type of experiment. Because the clinical studies are unable to replicate the situations that most likely cause repressed memories, they cannot be relied on as a true negation of the existence of repressed memories.

My T has stayed largely neutral. I think he is trying to give me the space to come to my own realizations and conclusions without 'unduly' influencing my perceptions and interpretations (though I think he thinks the 'body' memories are real). We have currently agreed that either way these images, sensations, etc. are a problem for me, whether real, symbolic, or something else and are working with that. As I type, I am realizing that I have realized that these non-mind 'memories', at least for me, probably are real. UGH!

Creative Cat, I think you might be on to something.

There are a fair number of people, especially those who knew/have known before I started making progress with my T, who think that I am really flaky.I too am generally quite organized and competent. But stressful moments happen and then I am 'gone'. In hindsight, I think that the 'ungroundedness' does make me come across as ditzy to some people. Unfortunately, those who tend to trigger me are also those who are not 'safe' enough for me to explain what is going on...

I have been NC with my NM, her flying monkeys, and much of my family for several years (there is much overlap between the flying monkeys and the family).

I did have the same types of nightmares. I agree, I think it is a way of processing the trauma. I speculate too that, at least for me, it might have been the more co-dependent part of myself 'seeking out' the old patterns. By going NC I opted out of the abuse. But I think part of me was so used to it that that part of me had to 'find' it somewhere; I had not yet learned how to live without chaos and trauma. That 'somewhere' seems to have been in my dreams. I hope that made sense. 

For me, the dreams did diminish over time, both as I worked with a T to process the trauma while awake and as I found new patterns of interacting with people and conducting my life. Unfortunately, that trigger does, however, still seem to be active in me. A few months ago, totally out of the blue the NM sent several mailings to me soliciting donations for charities she is apparently now active in. I shredded the mail and dumped it in the recycling bin. But, I was back to nightmares and being unable to get a good night's sleep. Fortunately, this time the bad dreams went away more quickly than before. I would be just as happy to not find out if it would be less the next time as I would prefer no next time at all, but I do not have control over my NM's actions. I can hope that she will finally give up and refrain from responding when she tries to get me back on her hook (something that will never happen).

Wow! I thought I was the only one who had such a difficult time accomplishing tasks that others seem to find so easy.

For me, I try and do one at a time. I give myself stickers on my calendar when I have a 'good' ('got something done') day. After 25 stickers, I give myself a small reward (often a treat at a local coffee shop).

For me anger is a 'pure' emotion. It might express as irked, frustrated, angry, furious, irate, etc. but it 'contains' only anger-related energy.

On the other hand, when I feel emotionally hurt there seems to be more of a mix of emotions. Often anger is included, but also often emotions like sadness, fear, betrayal, loneliness, etc.


I seem to have the opposite response to some here. I am more easily able to feel 'hurt' than 'angry'. I had a T who nagged at me about not feeling angry (then got upset when I finally got angry at her about it - oh, the irony). In my role in the family, I was not 'allowed' to be angry. I think too, my father's anger influenced me. He carried loads of anger around. I'm empathic and it was 'prickly' to be near him. Worse than that, he would into explosive temper-tantrum-type rages that, when I was a child, were quite terrifying. I was scared of both him and his anger. I think then I learned to fear anger in general. But, I still needed to respond to the abuses done to me and so felt hurt. To me, hurt is much less scary and was easier to hide (and so less likely to draw additional negative attention). Now, I am working with my T to feel my feelings as they come and to respond to them constructively. It is often scary and painful, but I am finding also empowering too.