Deep Blue’s searching for balance journal

[Deep Blue]

Grrrrr
Tomorrow is Columbus Day and most schools are closed.  I have to go to work though for professional development.  It's only a day off for students, but not teachers.

I was looking forward to tomorrow for my son.  His class is supposed to take a field trip to a local pumpkin patch... but now he woke up from his nap with another fever     I hate it when he is sick.  If he has a fever today, he can't go to school tomorrow.  Heavy sigh... probably no school and no field trip for him tomorrow

[Jdog]

I am so sorry he is ill again.  Drats!! Maybe it will improve over night?

We don't get Columbus Day off.  I took the day off 16 years ago to go on the first date with my now wife.  She was a State Worker and I think they still get it off.  My district has never recognized this.

Good luck with your PD.

[Deep Blue]

Jdog,
My son got sicker last night but I think the fever broke around 4am because he was soaked in sweat and finally was able to sleep.  He didn't get to go on his field trip, poor little guy.
PD day was hands down the worst one and biggest waste of time I've ever been to.  Ugh. Oh well, I got my certificate at least.
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I had an interesting realization today.  When my son gets sick, I am triggered by it.  Feeling powerless is a trigger for me.  I feel powerless when he's sick.

Luckily he's bouncing back it looks like today, but I'm sure there will be many more illnesses in his future.  I just want to acknowledge this trigger.

[Three Roses]

I had an interesting realization today.  When my son gets sick, I am triggered by it....  I just want to acknowledge this trigger.

👍 

[Jdog]

Good noticing on your part.  I am sorry the PD was so terrible.  I, too, hate having my time wasted.  How disrespectful of those in charge!

[Deep Blue]

I am bicultural.  My father is from the states but my mother is from the Middle East.  I tend to find movies like, Big Fat Greek Wedding really funny because it deals with different cultures coming together.

I usually find Persian comedians very funny.  My husband showed me a comedian recently that was Persian and instead of finding it funny... I became very sad. 

In my mother's culture, men are everything.  They are celebrated more than women.  It is typical in the culture to comment on a certain male body part as being "golden". This was in the comedian's act.  He said it's impossible for a Persian man to have low self esteem due to this.

It struck my heart.  I care about my younger brother... but... he doesn't realize the special place he was given.  He was simply born a male... so therefore more important than me.  He is blissfully ignorant.  I'm sad for young me and for adult me.  I will never get to feel that from my family because I'm female. 

[sanmagic7]

sometimes cultural distinctions suck.  too many people suffer simply because of the families or gender they were born to.  i wish it weren't so.  sending love and a warm caring hug full of being special in my eyes.

[Hope67]

  to you Deep Blue - you are special to me too - a woman with a kind and lovely heart and spirit.
Hope 

[Jdog]

Deep Blue, your many gifts and huge heart cannot be diminished by cultural mores and old ways of thinking.  You are a true gem, unique and beautiful.  Yes, it is regrettable that others in the family or in your Mother's culture can't "get" you.  Their loss, most definitely.

[Jdog]

Deep Blue, I was thinking some more about what you said about lacking support and acceptance from your Mom's family due to cultural norms.  It isn't very different from my situation, being rejected from my family for being gay.  I have cousins on both sides that will have nothing to do with me and it has been very painful.  That is one reason I haven't tried very hard to remain in contact with my family.  In fact, now that my Mother and closest Aunt are deceased, I actually don't feel like I have an FOO at all.  My one cousin with whom I thought I was close has turned out to have emotional problems way worse than I had realized - and while he is not anti gay he is not someone with whom I feel close any longer. 

So, I get it.  We are these caring, hard working people.  And that will never make us enough in the eyes of the bigots.  It really sucks.  So, we have our chosen families and friends like the ones here.  It has to be enough to get us through, because what else can we do?

[Deep Blue]

Dearest San,
Yes you are right. Too many suffer from something they can't control.  Thanks for saying I'm special 

Sweet Hope,
You are special to me too.  Did I ever tell you my son's middle name is Hope?  Well his middle name is Omid, but that means hope. Hope is such a powerful and important message in my opinion. 

Jdog,
I love that you called me a gem.  My name, Deep Blue comes from the sapphire gem.    I totally agree that we have walked similar steps in regards to family.  It's interesting the message that we hear from such a young age.  Warm wishes to you friend.
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I'm still feeling on an upswing so I'm going to try to take advantage.  I've been doing more avoiding than facing my triggers lately.

I think I should probably revisit my trauma narrative and maybe write some more detail about a couple triggers in my physical journal. 

Deep breath and test of strength here I go

[sanmagic7]

sending a hug filled with all the extra strength you need for this endeavor, sweetie.  also, lots of love. 

[Jdog]

Sapphires are the stones in my wedding ring.   

[Deep Blue]

Jdog!!!!! Me too! Large sapphire with a halo of diamonds around it 

[Jdog]

Mine is small diamonds surrounded by small sapphires.  But we are so similar!!  Too cool!