Deep Blue’s searching for balance journal

[Sceal]

 
I'm glad that you also learned some from your husband, that hopefully you both opened each others minds a little. It's so important to keep ones mind open, although it can be quite exhausting at times too.

Doing good for others and seeing that it means something for them can definitively be helpful. And from what you tell us you have done loads today! And I bet you also did some on the home-front as well with your son. you're strong, Deep Blue.   

[sanmagic7]

dear deep blue,  it is awful what's coming out of the woodwork as far as the politics here goes.  i stay away from the news as much as possible, but somehow i still manage to see or hear something.   i'm glad you and your hub were able to talk about it, tho, and learned from each other.  that's always good news.

hope those nightmares have gone and left you in peace.

i agree that helping others can sometimes put our own distress to rest for a bit.  i'm often able to write on the forum at times when i need to distract myself from myself. 

i'm so very glad you're writing here.  thank you for sharing.  sending much love and a hug filled with increasing calm and rest.

[Deep Blue]

Jdog,
You and I speak the same language for sure.  I often find myself walking with a student around the building while they tell me their troubles and we develop a plan of how best to tackle them.  Sometimes it's easy (don't worry there is tutoring sessions in the morning)  sometimes it's traumatic (there is a youth shelter that I can you set up with).  The hardest is those who have emotional issues. I've walked in their shoes and know how they feel.  I feel I often repeat myself in these situations as I encourage them to get involved with an outside party such as a therapist and help them to get set up with one.  Many of them call me mom too 

Wattlebird,
Helping others does seem to help me.  The problem I run into is when I overextend myself and try to help too many at once.  (I'm always searching for more balance  )

Sceal,
You are right, I've been trying to stay away from the news more but it's so hard this particular time.  I feel that the message of women seems to rest a bit on the outcome of this situation.

San,
Yes it did take me quite awhile to build up the courage to start a journal (7 months to be exact) but I'm glad I did.  I usually write in my own physical journal but this one has the benefit of other members being able to help me when I'm struggling.  The nightmares have been cut down quite a bit and I'm grateful for that.
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I cherish those I have come in contact with in this forum.  I sometimes look back and wonder how I ever did without?

Nothing much to report today, just  cuz I'm grateful for you all

[Jdog]

Grateful for you, too! 

[Hope67]

Sorry you can't communicate your innermost pain with your spouse.  I'm glad you post about your concerns and pain here, where it is safe.  I've been triggered this week as well, felt the heaviness in my heart, body, and soul.  I send you love and support from here on the West Coast.  Be well, stay safe, and draw upon all of the resources available.  I'm glad your little boy feels better!

Dear DeepBlue,

I agree with what Jdog said here - and I am also glad that you've started Journalling - and hope that it's been helping - I remember when you posted on your BIrthday that night, and at the time I thought it was sad that you were alone at home, and your husband had gone out - but I was glad that you communicated here.


You are such a kind and lovely person, you have helped me more than you can know by things you've said to me, and I just want to reciprocate and say how special you have been - and I think the people you teach are lucky to have such an amazing caring teacher.

to you DeepBlue.

Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Jdog,
How's your foot feeling? Hope you are having a good week. 

Hope,
My eyes just got misty.  Thanks so much for your kind words.  Thanks for the encouragement about starting my own journal.  You mean a great deal to me too.   
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I had another good day today.  I feel myself coming back again.  I often feel I go in cycles.  I'm up a week and down a few days.  This year I feel like it's more down than up.  I'm grateful to be feeling more like myself again.

I went to therapy and we talked about my trauma narrative.  It's been awhile since we touched it cuz my priority during the down times is to stay afloat. 

I am at a place where I don't think that much of the abuse was my fault anymore.  The problem I still have is that as the abuse got worse and worse I never made a peep.  I became complacent.  My brain was warped and I thought I deserved it.  That's what I'm working on refuting now.  It's a long road, but I'm going to do my best to keep working on it.

[Jdog]

Deep Blue-

It's looking like a stress fracture on the third metatarsal is causing the pain.  I'm to get another X-ray tomorrow.  Thanks for asking.  Glad you are in a better place this week.  No, the abuse wasn't your fault and you did use the best survival strategy you knew at the time, which was to just keep putting one foot in front of the next.  No shame in trying to survive as best you could.  You wouldn't shame a student for that, right?

[Deep Blue]

Jdog,
I would never shame a student. That is true.  I guess it's a demon of cptsd.  I find it much easier to sympathize with others than with young me. 
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Honestly was feeling much better today.  I was doing fine and feeling good.  Then I hit 2 triggers within 10 minutes.

My friend was talking about a comedian she saw that did a bit about how Police came to his school every year to talk them about being kidnapped, or saying no to drugs.  Part of the bit was he told kids how to escape being in the trunk of a car.  I went white and stopped listening.  I left and was able to ground myself luckily.

Later I made the mistake of reading something I shouldn't have.  I have been in an upswing so I thought I'd be ok.  On the bright side, I didn't have a panic attack, but I do have body memories now    I think I'd rather the body memories for now...

Heavy sigh... I really do feel much better today but now I feel better with a pretty awful body memory bothering me. 

[Three Roses]

pretty awful body memory bothering me. 

 

[Jdog]

It sounds like you navigated triggers pretty well, considering the amount of upset and raw feeling that got uncovered.  It's true that we can't heal what we can't feel, but that sure doesn't make it a great ride once we get on. 

You have my vote for resilient teacher of the month!

[Deep Blue]

Three Roses,
Still have the body memory but am hoping it goes away by tomorrow.  Maybe I'll read a little of the body keeps the score tonight. 

Jdog,
I love how you have that ability to put a smile on my face.  Reading the "resilient teacher award" made me smile and chuckle.  You also make a good point.  I'm much better at navigating triggers than I used to be. Thanks for letting me notice my own growth 

[sanmagic7]

i second that award vote.

hoping that body memory goes away quickly.  i'm glad you're feeling better in spite of it.  and, forward!  love and hugs, sweetie.

[Deep Blue]

Thanks San 
I'm hoping if the body memory doesn't completely go away that it at least eases its grip.
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I just had a random thought today.  I sometimes think of my hypervigilance as sort of a spider sense.  The problem is that it's not always needed.  Even so, I can't really turn it off...

It was useful this week because I got 2 students to their counselors before they really hurt themselves and got them mental health evaluations.  Another one I was worried about is now in a partial hospitalization program.

But tonight, we were out to dinner and it's like I can't turn it off.  I noticed that the waitress had old self harm scars.  A woman at a nearby table had a bruise shaped like a hand had squeezed it.  She sat there at a burger joint... he ate a big burger and she picked at her salad.  What use is that? Why can't I turn it off.  I don't know the waitress or this woman from boo, but it's always there. 

I have this insane urge to constantly work people out in my mind.  In the past it made sense... I learned the skill to evaluate threat... but why do I still do it with everyone?

[sanmagic7]

i think it's because you've been trained well, from when you were very young, to watch for signs, cues, and clues as to what might be happening with the people around you so you knew better what to do for yourself to keep you safe.  we are so intelligent, we pick up on who and what is around us rather quickly, become hyper-vigilant in time, and use it to our advantage.

of course, when we become adults, and the horrors are in the past, that 'spidey sense' lingers on.  it may diminish in time as we feel more safe and secure in our surroundings and within ourselves, but it helped us survive, in the truest sense, and i think it can be difficult to turn off.

when my professional brain is turned on, it's like i look at people with two sets of eyes - one set on a personal level, one set on a professional level.  it's been difficult for me to stop that, too.  i'm often evaluating people when i see their defenses on parade.  not in a judgmental way, but more as a way to understand them.

hopefully, in time, you'll be able to be less vigilant, or it will be something you can just accept about yourself and move on from it rather than having it bother you.  in the meantime, i hope you know that you also have used this sense to help the kids you work with, so i don't think it's a bad thing.  getting kids the help they need before they're in too deep - that's a marvelous way your vigilance is working for the benefit of those kids.

we need more teachers like you.   love and a big hug filled with clarity and a sense of a job well done.

[Deep Blue]

My darling San,
Thanks for reminding me of the benefits    To be honest, I never thought about stepping back and being thankful for it.  What would I do without you? 
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I'm feeling better today.  I'm definitely in an upswing.  Normally with a trigger like the ones I hit yesterday, I'd be out for the count.

I actually slept last night.   :zzz:That's some real progress for me. I don't want to blow it off or minimize it.  The body memory is less today.  I am proud for not letting the trigger derail me.