My Journey Begins

[FrillyFarmGirl]

Today is a hard day.

For months I've been pushing myself to work on C PTSD, my downward spirals, and depression.

Some of it is physical, my hip and back after having babies and a couple of surgeries. So I'm working on physical therapy too. As well as trying to get more sleep, which isn't easy with a two-year-old.

Some of it is food-related, it's so hard especially on bad days to stick to taking care of myself with food. And then on good days I think I can eat anything I want. So I feel like I'm constantly in a cycle of trying to refocus on why I want to eat better.

But mostly it's emotional. I'm tired and lonely and overwhelmed most of the time. We left our church back in September. I've been there 15 years. It's pretty upsetting but most of the crap we were dealing with was just beyond reasonable. I feel I've lost most of my friends, my support system, all of the help I had in place, and my coping patterns.

I'm sure that there's some ways it's a good thing because now I'm finding that some of that system was so shallow that it wasn't worth holding on to. But I still feel like I'm floundering in the rest of life.

Thanks for being an outlet. I don't really know what to do today except to rest and cry a little bit and try to enjoy my kids as much as I can.

Today I tried to reach out for some phone or video counseling. We'll see how that goes.

[FrillyFarmGirl]

Regrouped fairly well this evening. Worked on the house with the kids and let them use the couch bed to watch a movie and stay up late. They are beautiful asleep. Missing their dad who is away for some me time himself.

I took the kids to the museum yesterday. It was great. But I think I was so tired and did not eat well, that it contributed to my crash today. Plus getting their Dad ready to go on his trip turned out to be really stressful.

I hate when his expectations seem to line up with my insecurities... It's not like he does it on purpose, but it certainly happens a lot. What he needs and what I need seem diametrically opposed. Marriage. Yay.

Lord, help me.

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry you seem to be in a tough phase atm. Yay you for realising that some help/support you were hanging onto wasn't actually all that helpful! I find the phase afterwards hard, where the 'old' is gone but I haven't instigated enough 'new' to keep me going. It does get better though. Really.

Sending 

[FrillyFarmGirl]

Thank you so much, Blueberry.

[FrillyFarmGirl]

How much of my story needs to be written just for me? How much to share with others? If I write too much of it I am afraid it will only trigger others and be semi-unhelpful for myself, as I will be dwelling on the past and not sure how much worse someone else had it anyway.... Is this twisted thinking?

[woodsgnome]

All of these questions are valid and show a strong sense of empathy towards others. But what you post here and how much of your story you share isn't as important as how you feel about what you write about.  Especially in a journal, the specifics posted basically form a discussion with one's self. That said, others here will feel connected to what you were affected by, how you've gone about recovering (or not), and so on.

The given here is that these issues somehow touch us all, or we wouldn't be inclined to be here. Sometimes what one shares about their abuse history and/or reactions to cptsd will be on target for what someone else has experienced in that regard; and sometimes not, or maybe not so much. Other than the general guidelines for posting, there really isn't a standard format that covers all issues equally.

Especially in journals, what someone else thinks isn't the focus--again, it's the writer's life that matters the most. The deep wounds that continue to affect people's lives--abuse is abuse, and comparisons break down when all is considered...it all hurt, and still hurts.

Triggering can vary with everyone. Sometimes even innocuous words can trigger--this happens to me on a regular basis, as certain 'ordinary' words (especially religious/spiritual) were used in abusive situations that colour my reactions to them even now.

How much one shares or feels comfortable doing so is another variable. There are some things I never thought to share but in the process of writing needed expression, I guess. It's less scary to say some things, as the readers on this forum 'get it'. Some of what gets discussed has no sensible answers, but at least there's a level of safety if one feels drawn to say something. It's kind of the old line about how it feels good to have gotten it out of one's system, at least a little. Here the readers have also walked the talk, felt the pain, and know what it's like to live with this stuff on a daily basis. 

[FrillyFarmGirl]

Wow. That is so helpful. Thank you. Very insightful.

[Sceal]

Sorry to hear you had to leave your network in church behind you, it can be a real challenge to "break free" from relations that contains so much history in one's life.

Also, I'd like to second everything WG wrote. He put it in words far better than I can

[FrillyFarmGirl]

Thank you!!! 💖

[FrillyFarmGirl]

*Mother's Day trigger warning**

I have spent hours and hours working on self-care and some therapy this past month. Having some real break through moments, aha moments... Felt like I was steadily starting to rise, to understand my triggers more, see them coming... And then LIKE I NEED THE TEST:

My Father sent all four of us adult children a text today not reminding, but commanding us to call and honor our Mother for Mother's Day this weekend. Followed by a "rich blessing from above." I love Jesus and my Bible but I know Mother's Day and honoring your Mother are separate things. I will say I was honest in return and said pretty much just that... I think he is so browbeaten by the narcissistic behavior of my Mother at home that he wants to avoid it if at all possible. He actually responded, he actually acknowledged what I said, he actually apologized... But I still feel deeply angry, overwhelmed, and now scared and guilty too. I know all this is from C-PTSD, and am trying to reach out for support... I am so thankful, but so afraid at the same time...

But I just couldn't take it.

Is anyone else getting triggered from the upcoming Mother's Day and Father's Day events? I mean, I have truly sincerely loving parents, but the emotional/physical abuse and severe (unintended) neglect I suffered from their home growing up makes it really hard for me to want to do anything, especially for this fake marketing scheme to get people to buy stuff.

It doesn't help that their expectations of those days and our performance as kids just fits nicely into my junk of not being allowed to have expectations growing up. Help!!!! I am so stressed today. Crying tears of release. Their debt belongs to God... But I wish my heart would hurry up and heal.

[Blueberry]

There are a couple of threads on Mother's Day here http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=211.0 in case nobody answers in your Journal.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time today. I'm lucky, Mother's Day isn't a trigger for me.

[FrillyFarmGirl]

Thank you! 😣😲

[DecimalRocket]

Hi Frilly. Sorry, it's a trigger to you. I have no wise words. Just wish you the best. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, frilly,

i know parent days are really triggering for a lot of people.  both of mine are dead many years, and many years before i found out about c-ptsd, family dynamics and all that.   it sounds, tho, like you handled the whole thing with your dad quite well, sounds like you followed your gut about it all.   i think following our gut is our best bet.

it may not conform to society's or family's expectations, tho, which may be where the guilt comes from - that whole 'should' thing rearing its ugly head.  i firmly believe we need to do what's best for ourselves first and foremost.  we're the only ones who can.

sending a warm loving hug full of acceptance to you.

[FrillyFarmGirl]

I am so touched by your responses.    Thank you for the encouragement. I made it through the weekend... I found it shocking that both my parents wished me a happy MD before I had steeled myself to call my Mom. I did end up calling her and wished her the same... But I reached a threshold with her somewhat and had to excuse myself. She can be so negative and hateful. I don't want to be like that and it frustates me that she modelled/models that for me. It is generational for sure. Ugh. Maybe something to pray thru for myself.

I am not great at checking my threads regularly. It is somewhat hard to navigate the site but I am trying to keep this journal going for myself.

So, here is where I am at.

I am getting stuck in flashbacks that I don't even know are happening. Suddenly I look up and realize I have been sitting trying to drown out the noise or deaden the flood for however long. I can usually identify the trigger... Which is better than where I was. Then I can actively decide to not deaden anymore and go thru my positive self-sooth/talk and re-empower myself.

I get the most frustrated with what feels like walls going into certain situations. Mostly areas of life where I was hurt as a child. It is relational in nature. I am working on meeting a new therapist that can help me with this area. After three sessions with my first therapist, I realized he is great for attacking insecurities but he doesn't understand the bent-ness of my issues and how much I feel stalled out.

For example: homeschooling as a child for me was tormentuous in nature. When I start trying to approach HS with my kids I just deaden off and can't find a way around it. I know they need working with but I think they have reached the age where my Mom and Dad's expectations became law and pain in my life really amped up. My throat chokes up just thinking of it a bit right now. Feel really insecure.

Thanks for reading, friends.