ch. 4 -- around the next corner

[Deep Blue]

 
We love you too San. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, deep blue.  so appreciated, i don't have enough words.

i'm gearing up.  i'm hoping to post to the emdr forum tomorrow.  i have wonderful/horrible details to give them so those who have eyes might see.  their blindness to this is absolutely incredible to me. 

just got finished reading libby's post, how her emdr t demolished her.  just broke my heart.  her t was one of theirs,  and i'd like to use it.   there can be a bit of an elitist feel among them, and honestly, i wouldn't mind if they're taken down a notch or so.  that may be petty of me, but i've been stung before.

basically, i just want them to know how careful they need to be with us, how gentle, nurturing, kind, and patient because our wounds have been vastly underrated by the therapeutic community in general.  i'll do what i can, and we'll see if it produces any pos. results.  i surely hope so.

[Deep Blue]

Hmmm be patient with patients.... sounds good to me 

[sanmagic7]

love that, deep blue.  nice going!

[sanmagic7]

have started gathering everyone's experiences on paper, will write the narrative later today.  don't know yet if i'll be up to posting on the emdr forum today or wait till tomorrow.  this is a bit more anxiety-producing than i thought, so i'm going more slowly than i planned.

thank you all for your encouragement and support.  you are helping me a lot.  i'll be ok, just need time.

[Hope67]

Good luck with it, SanMagic, I feel sure you'll do it really well - and time is on your side - if you post it later today, that will be great, but tomorrow will be just as good - and maybe you might sleep on it and want to add bits - so taking your time, that is a good option.
to you, SanMagic.
Hope 

[Deep Blue]

I agree with Hope. Take the time you need and if it gets scary, step away.  So much love to you San.

[Sceal]

  Take the time you need, take care of your own health before all of this, baby-steps are okay!

[sanmagic7]

hope, deep blue, and sceal, i want to thank you all for your support, not only for my advocacy, but also for my self-care.

i did email the emdr list yesterday.  i'd begun writing the narrative out,then just started typing it to their forum. i felt rather numb and unemotional while doing it, perhaps a bit of depersonalization going on there, but it seemed like what i needed to do to push thru. 

the original post and person that had mentioned c-ptsd and stabilization (which is what got me going in the first place - c-ptsd had never been addressed in any specific way before, and it made me want to jump in) had gotten more responses in the past few days, but i noticed that they all spoke to ptsd now rather than c-ptsd.  i wondered at the change.   i know that emdr was originally set up to address ptsd in returning vets many years ago.

one thing i'm now glad i included was a sentence that stated 'the idea that c-ptsd can be treated the same as ptsd is wrong.'  i know that's kind of blatant and bold, but i also believed i was within a framework of discussing treatment/stabilization for c-ptsd.  it seems it might have gotten changed under my nose, or there just wasn't much acknowledgment of the delineation between the two.

i guess there is now!

so, no responses yet, but i don't feel anxious anymore.  i'm glad i did it, went to sleep comfortable about it, which was a good thing.  we'll see if anything comes of it.  in the meantime, i couldn't have done it without all of you - you all deserve applause        .  that was mighty courageous of everyone.  thanks for all the help.   love and hugs.

[Blueberry]

... but i don't feel anxious anymore.  i'm glad i did it, went to sleep comfortable about it, which was a good thing. 

We'll see if anything comes of it  and yeah, the cptsd / ptsd mixup is      and makes me because they are different! That's possibly (??) the biggest problem - that Ts try and diagnose and treat us based on ptsd.

[sanmagic7]

i totally agree, blueberry.

well, i've got a sore throat today.  aftermath of anxiety/stress.  hopefully it will go away with rest, which i intend to do for the rest of the day.

just gotta write this here, get it out.  some of the stress has been around 'the mr.'.    dang it, my fixer wants this to end differently, help him feel better about stuff,  . 

he has got major mommy issues (as have two of my exes) so this feels so familiar.  i spent 20 yrs. on ex #2, trying to show him how to be happy.  it didn't work.   spent 9 yrs. on ex #1 trying to show him that all women aren't the same.  it didn't work.

the mr. is so angry, blows up at so much, has so much negativity surrounding him, yet i want to keep jumping in all the time to try to make a difference.   it's been all i've been able to do not to make contact other than to ask or answer a question, keeping either as short as possible.

we had 2 weeks of fun and flirty, and he was very generous, smiling all the time, so very happy to have me in his life, and then the nite of the big blow-up.  at the food bank he told me how i used therapy stuff to cause changes in people, how i manipulate people, how i was a pretender, all fake, how everyone wanted him to get sober and now that he is he finds that he doesn't like people, doesn't want to deal with their emot. crapola.

bottom line, i was a distraction, and he's got too much on his mind for that.  he's been snarky, rude, harsh, and i can't argue cuz he turns it back on me.  yet, i'm fighting not to re-engage.  yikes!!!  looks like my own daddy issues are getting in the way.

i've always felt best when i've had at least one man interested in me, and this was no exception.  while he and i were enjoying each other, my spirit soared, i felt like a new person, i felt happy for a prolonged period of time.  i can still drag the happy feeling up, cuz i really am basically happy now that i'm not so sick.  it's really good to be able to feel it.

still, this pull to 'make it right', 'make it all better', 'make him see i'm not the scheming, manipulative person he believes i am'.   i know i can't do any of those things, i know it.  it just keeps needling the back of my mind to make contact.  he's friendly to me, but it's so different than what it was, even before the actual 'fling' was taking place.

i can guess all kinds of things about what's going on with him because of what he's said, especially that he got scared cuz he started having feelings for me that he didn't want and i'm leaving, and he'll feel like a loser one more time (he mentioned something about he's sick of everyone else always winning and him continually losing).  he has no self-esteem, especially when it comes to women.

UGH!!!  it doesn't help that we live in the same house, either.  out of sight would certainly help him be out of mind.  ACK!!!!  please, deliver me from these urges.  urges.  they come just like a bus - i'm struggling not to get on.  this feels like an addiction.  ok, one day at a time. higher power, restore me to sanity. 

i've even cried over this 'breakup' like i've never done in the past, and actually felt the sadness that it didn't work out how i'd envisioned.   that was new for me.  so, deep breath. letting it out that i struggle with this.  i wish i didn't.  i feel stupid.  i know better.  really really dumb that this is even an issue for me.  give me strength to last with some sense of dignity till i get out of here.

this is my own fault.  i was the one who said let's go for it.  i don't regret it, tho.  i needed it, am glad i did it. fun and froth for 2 weeks, and i was feeling better than i have in many many years.  it's done now.  over.  just move on, san.  you don't have to fix everybody.   god save me from men with mommy / woman issues in the future.  i really don't need any more of them.  thank you.   and deep breath out.

[Deep Blue]

I'm sorry San 
I imagine living in the same house with him makes matters that much worse.  Fwiw that turning his negativity on you seems to be one of his mos.  I have confidence that you are smarter than that.  None of this is your fault.  It's hard fo help someone that doesn't want to help themselves (if not impossible). Take care of yourself, I'll probably see you on the porch soon.

[Blueberry]

Hey san, Idk that you should feel 'stupid' and that it's your 'fault'. You two had a few flirty fun weeks, it could have kept getting better. It didn't which is a shame and sad but that has to do with 'the Mr.' himself too. It's not a one-sided thing all on your side. He doesn't want to deal with his own emot. crapola and is projecting that onto you most likely.

Emotions exist, you can call them crapola or accept them as part of life and part of the lives of people who come into your life. Doesn't sound as if 'the Mr.' can.

I'm sorry that you're in the same house though and have to wait those few weeks to get out of his presence completely. 

[sanmagic7]

deep blue and blueberry - 2 blues - thank you for your support.    it is stressful, has knocked me off balance. 

i'm going to the porch today - all the stress of everything has caught up to me and i'm feeling worn out right now.  i felt this way a few days ago, was coming back from it, then got the pos. responses from the emdr list, and with an exhalation of relief, realized how much tension i was holding in with the anticipation of what might be said.

so, i'm back to where i was a few days ago.  my d, bless her, is putting everything in motion as far as hook-ups, etc. goes, so i'm grateful for that.  gotta give my brain/mind a rest.  ah, just thought of something - i've decided to wean myself off my sleep meds (haven't been getting more than 4-5 hrs. every nite anyway), so part of this stressed feeling may be that as well.    glad i thought of that.

ok, off to the porch.

[Sceal]

Hi San,

Could your tears over the break up with him be tears for the past you as well? For all the relationships that never worked out the way you hoped?
Just a thought. I might be on the wrong track with this though.

Big, big, big hug to you. I'm inviting you over, in my mind,  for a cup of tea, some chicken soup or lasagna, or something warm and nice to fill the belly. Soothing music low in the background and just talk about this and that, or just hanging out in silence.