ch. 4 -- around the next corner

[sanmagic7]

hey, sceal,

actually, these tears felt specific to this situation, and that felt good, actually.  i've spent so many years crying at the drop of a hat, but nothing specific.  so, finally feeling the sadness for the end of this felt very good to me.  i think it's progress.  in the future, i may find more tears for past instances, and i'll hopefully be able to pinpoint exactly to and with whom they belong.  i think at this stage, that's a more productive way for me to cry. 

less than 3 weeks now.  i can tell my d is feeling the strain.  i need to keep reminding myself to be conscious of that.  i'm getting thru my situation here, felt the feelings, cried appropriately, and i can feel the impact lessening.  she's been going thru something similar, only it's from an ongoing relationship of about 5 yrs.  lots of hopes and dreams pinned on it, and she's been rudely kicked to the curb 6 mos. ago, but has had to stay in the situation cuz of her lease.

so, i want to stay compassionate to her, stay focused on what she might be going thru when i talk to her between now and then.  i have excitement about the move in so many ways, where, for her, there is a lot more loss.  profound loss.   i want to be there for her.  i have all of you here for me. 

so, time to eat and go down for a nap now. 

[sanmagic7]

so many emotions running around right now.  especially about the move, but also about 2 of the emdr therapists who have validated my thoughts, my knowledge, and my ability as a therapist to know what i'm talking about.  that is so huge, i can't quite absorb it all.  for the first time in 25 or so years, i feel respected as a therapist from colleagues.

and, this move - i'll be able to hear the ocean sing me to sleep at nite, there's a huge rainforest for our backyard, i'll be living with my beautiful and talented daughter who has been so kind and caring and understanding toward me thru all these years of feeling lost and battle-weary.   how does one deal with the idea of getting everything you want?

[Elphanigh]

San, this is so lovely. The positive emotions are challenging, I comepletely understand as I am experiencing some of that too. I think as you told me, take your time processing it all and be kind to yourself. You deserve all of this and more, my dear 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, sweetie.  i did think of you when i was writing that, that it's kind of a similar boat we're both in right now.  it's so weird, tho.  my head was spinning so badly, i needed some medicinal help today.   i even saw that i now have a credit rating - average - where last month it was still saying that i was merely establishing credit.  after being in mexico so long, all my credit went down the tubes, so i had to start over at zero.

anyway, moving forward.  it's just such a weird feeling.

[Elphanigh]

 It is a weird feeling, and stressful in its own way. I am glad you have medicinal help, honestly the second my insurance begins with my new job I will be seeking some myself. I have neglected it for a very long time.Your credit growing shows all the hard work you have put in. That is an inspiration to me as someone that is struggling to get mine fixed. Thank you for sharing so authentically

You are a truly beautiful soul. Remember that Earth Mother Spirit is always with you, her flowing skirts a place of comfort and compassion during all of this change. She is also a part of you that you can call on anytime and anywhere, bringing a sense of peace wherever you are. You are also always in my thoughts, San. Sending warm hugs and lots of love. There is always a space in my heart for you, and a shoulder to lean on if you need it (although it is a bit bony, you can imagine it more comfortable lol)

Love you dear friend

[Hope67]

so many emotions running around right now.  especially about the move, but also about 2 of the emdr therapists who have validated my thoughts, my knowledge, and my ability as a therapist to know what i'm talking about.  that is so huge, i can't quite absorb it all.  for the first time in 25 or so years, i feel respected as a therapist from colleagues.

and, this move - i'll be able to hear the ocean sing me to sleep at nite, there's a huge rainforest for our backyard, i'll be living with my beautiful and talented daughter who has been so kind and caring and understanding toward me thru all these years of feeling lost and battle-weary.   how does one deal with the idea of getting everything you want?

So pleased for you SanMagic, it's great that you are being appreciated for the wonderful person you clearly are.    to you. 
Hope 

[Deep Blue]

San,
I hope the emotions spinning in your head have slowed. I'm glad that you are getting some validation and acceptance from the therapy community.  Sending you a hug  filled with strength, clarity and support
- Deep Blue

[sanmagic7]

thank you everyone.  so tired today, i'll give you a proper response when i get some energy back.  off to the porch.

[sanmagic7]

el, hope, and deep blue - thanks so much for being in my corner.  i can't tell you how much i appreciate you.

the stress and tension is rolling over me.   i'm having difficulty knowing exactly what to do.  i started weaning myself off my sleep meds, but i don't believe that's going to work.   they were originally for restless legs syndrome,  and the past few nights i woke up after only 2-3 hrs. of sleep, and my legs were burning and uncomfy, and couldn't get back to sleep, felt miserable all day.

i don't think this is the time for this experiment.  i caved last nite, took my meds in the middle of the night.  i noticed that when i was sleeping, it was only surface sleep, rather than profound, restful sleep, and that's exactly why i went on meds originally.  why, when i was writing on the forum yesterday i could only do emoji's.  i've been having difficulty finding words, even when i've been speaking. 

it was very noticeable last nite when i was talking to my ll.  at least 3-4 times i just couldn't think of the word i needed.  very frustrating.    so, i think i need to take a step back, get the sleep i need for these 2 weeks, and maybe try this experiment after the move.  in the meantime, i can't coherently write to anyone else here for a while.  gotta get my brain back.  too much, only 2 more weeks from today.    sorry i can't be there for anyone else right now.   that is a loss to me. 

[Deep Blue]

San guess what guess what?!?!

I thought of you today.  As I was outside in the parking lot there was a lovely blue Mercedes Benz convertible!  The license plate was SAN 7.   It made me think that the universe wanted me to check in with you.  I think getting more sleep is a really good idea.  Rest well friend.   

You can reply with an emoji anytime you like with me    I just want you to do what's best for you. 

Take good care,
Deep Blue

[Sceal]

 
You were here for me today, and reading what you're struggling with right now... San, a deep profound: Thank you.
I'm sitting with you too.

[sanmagic7]

what a difference some quality sleep can make.  yikes!  i feel so different today, stronger, better, ready to take this move on and get the HECK!!! outta here.

sceal, you mean so much to me, you don't even know. 

deep blue, don't know what our connection is, but it's there, i can feel it.  visceral, somehow.  i love that license plate!  you speak to me on a level i'm not even sure of.  somehow we're together.

so, am keeping my distance from 'the mr.' (thanks for that, sceal.  it makes me smile every time i think of you naming him that - it's great!), fighting my wishing i could have a conversation with him, get some closure on this instead of just this sense of '* happened?'.   

the consensus in the house is that he'd been drinking the day of his blow-up, which is why he said and did what he did.  my housemate said she saw a wine bottle in the trash, and that's his drug of choice.  this means not only that he already had kicked me to the curb in his mind earlier that day, but also that he was only able to maintain sobriety for 2 1/2 weeks, all the while insisting he doesn't have a problem that pure 'willpower' wouldn't fix.

all this info is helping me to stay away, to realize i'm dealing with an addicted mind, and also probably someone who has deeper problems, like depression, that needs some professional intervention.  he once mentioned that maybe he's more deeply wounded than he thought.  i now agree with that assessment to the point that i'm not the one who can help him heal.

it's funny.  i'm an addictions counselor, but when it's me who's involved on a personal level, i don't always see the relationship on a professional level.  with my hub, when we first got together (he was newly in recovery), i was watching him and me from both a personal and professional view.  i was particularly careful to keep both those eyes open at all times.

in this case, i didn't.  i reverted to just being me, personally.  i know the dynamics of addicts and addictions.  however, this one blindsided me.  i was thinking like i had with ex #2 - if i just be kind and caring and loving, it will heal all ills.

well, it doesn't.  i've got 3 failed marriages to prove that.  in one way i was just what they needed - a loving woman.  in another way, i was exactly what they didn't like or believe in - a loving woman.  funny how that works. 

and, so with 'the mr.'  too many mommy issues, too much anger.  probably needs meds and therapy, but chooses alc. instead.  depression runs deep in alcoholic circles.  so does sensitivity and caring - which has led to lots of pain and hurt.  too much for a partner to heal on her own.

i'm writing this to help me hardwire this into my brain, to know that if anything like this were to happen again, i need to keep my professional eye open.  that eye can see patterns, behaviors, and the meanings of words and phrases that my personal side doesn't take stock of.   it's why i can't do therapy on myself - i can't remember or grab hold of what i may say to a client in my same situation.

it's fine that this happens in the movies.  that's what they're about.  it's important for me to remember that movies aren't real life, not by a long shot.  i've taken a lot from the movies, often thinking i could translate what i saw to my life, mainly cuz i didn't have a clue as to what to do otherwise.  however, it never worked out.

so, good-by to 'the mr.'  i need to put my own closure on this rather than believing there will be some kind of rational resolution and we can part that way.  nope, it's rough-edged, one-sided, and i can only do for myself what i need to have done for me.  i don't know why i still go into these things thinking it will be different this time.  it felt different, i guess, but i didn't heed the signs, didn't want to believe some of the words. 

gotta remind myself to always believe the words he says about himself.  if he says he's lazy, check.  he's a coward, check.  he's unreliable, check.  and don't expect that to change cuz of me.  do i sound bitter?  i'm shooting for realistic.  a reminder.  i've been burned with this too many times.  but, don't believe the other words he says about himself.  when he's angry, leave him alone, he'll get over it in a couple hours, and come back.  nope.  he's been wanting to quit drinking for years, and now has.   nope. 

i guess i was out of the game too long.  lessons for the future.  still, no regrets.  i got what i needed, and that part's all good.  better than good.

[Deep Blue]

Hugs to you San


On to bigger, better and brighter things.  Sisters before misters!!!! 

[sanmagic7]

you got it, deep blue!  right there with you on that!

last nite i had an epiphanal connection which is helping me with putting 'the mr.' to rest.  about 2 yrs. ago, a former bf from college came back into my life.  we'd always had strong chemistry.  i was feeling down, sick, yuck, and, once again, thought of a flirty little thing being a great pick-me-up.  he was married, both our spouses knew we were corresponding.

within 2 months, it was clear to me that this guy was basically cheating on his wife - he'd started buying burner phones to call me from gas stations so she wouldn't know.  ok, not cool all by itself.  however, he was also very accusatory, critical, aggressively opinionated, and judgmental of me and my thoughts, ideas, etc.  snarky, sarcastic.  i broke it off with him.

last night he came to mind, and i was able to equate all of that yuck stuff with how  'the mr.' had been treating me.  i'm to the point where i don't want to say anything more than 'hi' to him cuz of what i mite get in return.  nothing good, for sure.  so, as petty as this may seem compared to others' problems, it's been a biggie for me, especially as it's added to the tension already in this house.

so, just clearing some of the residual gunk out of the way.  it helps me to make these connections, have a clearer view of why this can't be fixed, why i would never be able to say the right thing in any logical or reasonable way because it would be turned against me.   it helps give me the strength i need to resist trying to make sense of this with him.

i think he's taking me to the food bank one more time before i leave.  that will probably be quiet and awkward, but i have to keep reminding myself that my words will make no difference in how this ends up, except to possibly bring more hurt down upon me.   i must remember that - my urge to fix this is strong, to make him understand, to get out from being the 'bad guy' once again (cuz that's how he's got me painted).

just puking this crud out.  it all helps. 

[Sceal]

Relationships with other people is never a small topic or problem, dear San 
This is something that you are struggling with right now and that is causing you pain and hurt and taking away your joy and energy.
It's not something minor to you, in your life. And that is what matters. We all have different skills we use to cope with the * we are given, and some things are just harder than others. And I think relationship with others is touchy, especially, for us who have trauma through abuse of various kinds.
Just needed to tell you that your problem with the Mr. And the current living conditions Isn't a small one.

It's good to hear that you are trying to remind yourself that trying to fix things with him now will just bring you more pain. And choosing to avoid him is a healthy thing for you and totally within your rights! You do not need to take his negativity. He brought that upon himself, he doesn't have the right to push it over on others.