ch. 4 -- around the next corner

[sanmagic7]

thanks to both of you, d.r. and el.  your well wishes in this are truly appreciated.

i started my packing, and more emotions than i expected came up.  it's going to be much harder to leave this place than i expected.  so many things have changed, beginning with the relationship with my d.  she was not planning to be making a new life with her mother.  i was not in her plans for that.  it's disrupted her sense of well- being.  so, i'm her second choice, but i'm here to help her make her dream come true.  that's my focus and mission.

meanwhile, things in the house have suddenly become so much warmer, we've all become so much closer, more like friends now, plus this new relationship on top of that - it's going to be much harder to leave than i ever anticipated.  i didn't expect this at all.  lots more laughing, fun, so much less tension.  it's a completely different environment than when i moved in.

so, i didn't expect the emotions, nor the level of difficulty that i'll face in saying good-bye.  as i was piling filled crates in my room yesterday, i was nearly overcome with a swirl of emotion, most of which i couldn't even sort thru.  they're there, that's all i know.  i didn't think they would be.  most of the time i've been burning to get out of here.

and, so it is.  things change - that's our only constant.   happily, it's warmer and less stressful, and in the end, that's what i was hoping for.  it's easier, by far, to live here now, even tho i'm on the verge of leaving.  whew. 

[Sceal]

You've had a lot of positive changes lately and it's heartening to read. 
Goodbyes can be really painful, but it sounds like you'll be leaving on good terms rather than difficult and negative ones - and that gives breathing room for an easier new start.

Perhaps your d will come to realize that living with her mom might be a resource and it'll be helpful for her to reach her dream. It might be a change she wasn't forseeing, but from what you've talked about the last months, I think it'll be a positive change in her environment.

Thinking of you

[Blueberry]

san, I'm happy to hear there are so many good things going on in your life, so many developments: better atmosphere in the house, and especially beginnings of a relationship with this new man in your life. Go you!!   

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,

Wishing you the best with your packing and the process of your 'Goodbyes' - I find such transitions difficult personally, but would like to wish you well with them.   

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

thank you sceal, blueberry, and hope.

sceal, i do think she's turned some of her thinking around about having to live with her mother now, viewing me as more of a resource, and as a financial foundation on which she can do what she loves (which doesn't include a steady income) with more confidence.  i'm really glad it's become more of a positive for her.

blueberry, thanks for the cheer and the smile it brought to my heart.  love it.

hope, these transitions are difficult, to say the least.  you're spot on with that.  it's why we're hoping to be able to find a place where we can park ourselves for a while.  that would be so wonderful.  thanks for your well wishes. 

as an update, going along with what hope mentioned, getting into a new relationship? is wearing at best.  it's been over a week, things keep getting better, actually, but today was the first day i was able to tell myself this isn't a fleeting thing, not something i have to worry about (whether it'll still be here tomorrow, how am i supposed to act, what are the parameters, how do i fit into his routine, etc.  - since he's the one with a real job, his routine is determined by when he has to work, and it's an irregular schedule at best.

so, these first 10 days have been so stressful, waaaay more than i anticipated.  sleep has been erratic at best, and usually not enough of it.  the idea of sneaking around so the ll doesn't find out - i swear, at 70, i feel like i've got to deal with the likes of a dorm mother!!!  that's taken a toll on the nervous system as well.  yow!

hopefully, as the relationship feels more solid to me (i don't really know what to call it.  we haven't named it, like we're a couple or anything, just kind of swimming thru it, nothing concrete), i'll be able to settle myself a bit more.   i'm quite tired right now, and stressed out, but a little better than a few days past. 

so, it's an adventure, but i do believe a pos. one.  i don't know if there's a future for this, and it's actually 6 wks. from today before i leave.  even if not, tho (altho he's made quite a few noises that he wants this to continue even after i'm not here) at least i got my wish to get laid one more time before i die.  that was bigger than i thought, and i'm glad it's been realized. 

so, all in all, the stress has been worth it, even if it's not really doing me any good on one level.  the other stuff is making up for it, tho.  we do laugh a lot together, and that's always been a saving grace for me.  in fact, it's a big reason i used to go to bars and drink so much - people there were laughing out loud, and it was like a vacation from the madness.

he told me the other day that painful memories have begun coming up for him (basically, since he's quit drinking), and he was able to talk about some of them.  i know there's a lot more gunk in there, and he may really need to see a professional to help with some of them, but it felt good that he was able to remember and talk to me about them.    i just mentioned that alc. is a great pain-killer and sedative, and i wasn't surprised.   we'll see what he does with any more of them.  wait till he gets to his mother.  woof!

all in all, it's been exhausting, stressful (yep, hope, it's a transition for sure), but also strengthening, fun, caring, and helping a whole lot to put back together those woman pieces that had gotten ripped to shreds.  in the balance, which i always check in on for relationships, it's coming out much more to the good.  i'm glad of that.

thank you all for your support and encouragement with all this.  i so appreciate it. 

[Deep Blue]

I'm so happy for your progress.  You deserve it 

[sanmagic7]

deep blue, that's very sweet of you to say.  thank you very much.

he had a few days off, we hung out, did some shopping, laughed a lot, he voiced his uneasiness with this cuz he hasn't had a woman in his life for years, and many of the ones before that were truly not healthy types.  i don't think he knows what to make of someone like me.  he may be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

at any rate, i can still call up that happy feeling, and that thrills me no end.  it feels so good.  the one other time i felt it, it was for a moment only.  being able to actually feel what happy feels like is positively amazing to me.  i love it.

we're still getting to know each other, but somehow have not found any deal breakers yet.  the honesty has been refreshing above all.  from both sides.  i, too, feel like i can just say whatever.  sometimes there's some judgment, mainly thru not understanding, but we've been able to talk it thru.  sometimes we just agree to disagree, sometimes we can see each other's point, sometimes one of us changes their mind.  sometimes it's not important enough to fuss about.

yesterday we talked about the fact that technically i'm still married.  he didn't realize that.  i'm not going back to my hub, i know the marriage is over.  it is what it is.  some people may have a problem with it, but he and i are ok with it.  my hub has told me several times that it would make him happy if i found someone who could take care of me.  i believe he knows he failed me in that area.  the trust is broken, and without trust, i think it's hard to maintain a relationship of any depth.

i also told him that i talk to my hub every week because i know he was distraught when i left, decimated cuz i'd bought most everything we owned and i took it all with me.  his best friend died about 2 yrs. ago, and i'm the only one left that he can rely on to get him thru some of the really tough times.

when i spoke about this to mr. man, he said that he'd just dump him, not waste any more time on him, cuz no one had been there for him when he fell on hard times.  i told him that none of those people were me.  he said 'fair point'.   he hasn't had a lot of support in his life, so i think this is a pretty new area for him.  weird but wonderful sort of thing to know there really are people who might hang around thru the tough times.  new information.

it's been kind of fun to me to introduce something to him he hasn't had much experience with.  he knows a lot about a lot of different things, and is pretty self-satisfied about that, but not a lot of pos. about humans and relationships.  it makes him think in a different direction, takes him out of his comfort zone.  it's interesting to watch.

so, we're both learning from each other, and i don't think that's a bad thing.  still don't know where this is heading, and one part of me wants reassurances, wants to push it, but another part of me is wary, cautious, too fast too soon kind of stuff.  geez, it's not even been 2 weeks that we made this new step.  plus, he says he's unreliable, and i'm not all sure what that means exactly.   gotta give myself time to find out.  whoa, san, take your time.  don't have to rush into anything.  ack!

meanwhile, my d and i are going to rent a car next week to go looking for possible places to live.  another adventure.   i pray this works out for her.  i really do - it's my commitment to help her, and that comes first and foremost.  whatever happens otherwise has to merge itself around this.  i will not choose otherwise.

[DecimalRocket]

Hi San, happy you're making progress on life. I've never seen you so satisfied with life as you are now. Hoping you and him can learn more from each other. Like in science, opposites can attract and increase magnetism to each other. Not always considering differences can clash, but we grow a lot from those kinds of relationships.

Hope you have a great adventure with your D there too. I'm honestly not very familiar with financial and security problems such as that, but I assume it takes work for a lot of people.

[sanmagic7]

thanks for your happiness for me, d.r.  truly appreciated.  and, yeah, finances can be a pain.  ugh!

so, i sat wondering today if he's thinking about running.  everything's been hunky dory, and since he's had some awfully rotten relationships, it seemed to me to be about the time that he'd be getting uncomfy with how good this has been feeling.  it's happened to me in the past - found exactly what i thought i wanted in a relationship, and it scared the bejeesus out of me.

funnily enough, this aft. we had a few minutes together, and he was snarking at most every sentence that came out of my mouth.   it's gotten me thinking that, yep, i may be right, he may suddenly be scared of getting hurt, especially since i'll be moving quite soon.  it all started out light and fluffy, some hurdles were overcome, things were great and there was lots of laughter lately, and then this afternoon hit. 

looks like we'll have to talk.  we'll see if i get any kind of straightforward answer out of him - he may be too wounded, doesn't trust this, doesn't trust me, can't get around it, is too scared to be honest, and will attempt to joke his way out.  sigh.  a flame that burned hot and possibly burned itself quickly out.

[Deep Blue]

 
No answers... just

[Sceal]

I'm sorry he got snarky. Hopefully he was just having one of those days. But talking to him about this issue might be a good choice.
I hope you figure out what's going on, and that you can work through it.

[Elphanigh]

Sending hugs  I hope chatting with him goes well and helps calm the situation

[sanmagic7]

sceal, deep blue, and el, those hugs are much appreciated.  especially today.  i just need to vent a bit, then i think i'll go for a walk.  i need to walk this feeling off.

the talk went, well, i learned a bit more.  when i questioned his snarkiness, after some 'that's just the way i am' stuff, he finally said that there'd been a bunch of b.s. at work.  i told him, fine, but don't take it out on me.  he came back with the age old 'you're too sensitive for your own good' , and i said, 'i'm just as sensitive as i need to be.'  that ended that discussion.

we had another discussion yesterday, and i believe this is going nowhere.  i stuck my toe in the water, so to speak, see what would happen, and i got back a lot of drivel about him being emotionless, not wanting serious conversations, and just wanting to laugh.  hmmm . . .   

i do believe he is very self-protected against being hurt again, and doesn't want to take any chances at all.  at one point he said 'i'm giving you every opportunity to back out of this'.  does that sound like game-playing to anyone?  it kind of does to me, almost like a shove in that direction.

so, now it looks like this is going nowhere, which i guess is ok.  i didn't really know what to expect.  seems like i just need to enjoy the moment, and move on when it's time.

the other thing that happened was more upsetting to me.  i and my 2 housemates were having such fun, being silly, laughing out loud, acting a bit nutty - total enjoyment.  my ll is leaving tomorrow for a week, and we were laughing about how the last time she left for 3 days, none of us made our beds (that's a biggie in this house - it's really like she's a dorm mother, and i'm frickin' living under those conditions at 70!  i lived in a dorm for 2 years, back when we even had curfews and separate dorms for the boys and girls, and i didn't feel this restricted!!!)

ll came in the room, and it was as if she let the air out of a balloon.  she completely shut us down by complaining, speaking about how many crumbs were going to be left on everyone's floors in their rooms, telling us that if we get ants that person will have to pay for an exterminator.  and on and on and on.

we made fun of her (like we do to each other), laughed, encouraged her to participate, included her, all to no avail.  she told us that she rarely laughed, and couldn't understand us cuz her clients thought she was hilarious.  i sat and watched this dynamic, and felt stunned.  i couldn't believe it was going on.

first one, then the other of us left cuz it was such a bummer, and i sat there for a few minutes hardly believing what had just happened.  this morning, she had left, and one of my roomies (who's lived in this house for 5 yrs. so knows about this phenomenon) was in the kitchen, so i went out and started talking to her about it.

she just said, yep, basically, this is how it goes.  ll comes in, starts gritching, and everyone else leaves cuz they know the party's over.  then, ll walked into the room, silent as always, right in the middle of talking about her.  my insides spun out of control, and as of this moment i don't exactly know how to deal with it.  my insides are spinning. 

it put the capper on the whole moving bit - i can't wait to get out of this place.  this is crazy-making.  having to be scared where i live - somehow i kind of thought that was over with, but now it's back with flying colors.  don't feel safe at all.  so, i'm going to take a walk.  5 weeks to go.  it won't come soon enough.  blecccch!  i want to puke.

i may be too sensitive, as he mentioned, but dang, the other 2 just take this in their stride, talk about it's the price needed to be paid for living here.  financially, it is a very sweet deal (even tho rent got raised 6 mos. in cuz she wasn't making enough money for upkeep), but emotionally, no.  i don't frickin' need this.  having to look over my shoulder all the time?  nope.

done and done with all the gameplaying.  i'm too fundamentally straightforward about things, and this is just a bunch of subterfuge, sneaking around, waiting for her to be gone, on edge as to when she might pop into the room.  holy crapola!  and, nope, can't go for a walk cuz i got the runs from this stress right now.  so, i'll sit here, play some games, watch some tv today, and count down the days.   ugh.  just had to let it out.

[Elphanigh]

My dear, that is a lot to deal with. I hope that you are on the walk you mentioned, they really can help to clear the mind   Sending lots of love and healing your way. I can't wait until you are out of that space and somewhere more healthy for you emotionally 

[Blueberry]

he came back with the age old 'you're too sensitive for your own good' , and i said, 'i'm just as sensitive as i need to be.'  that ended that discussion.

Good come back, san! 

  seems like i just need to enjoy the moment, and move on when it's time.

It seems that way. But hey, you tried  in general with this guy and then now with a talk. While it lasted, before you needed to express your feelings about his behaviour you were enjoying the beginnings of a relationship again. I'm sorry it doesn't look as if it'll be a more permanent thing.

"When people show you who they are, believe them" Idk who came up with that saying, seems appropriate here.

As for your ll - I'm even a few decades younger than you and I could so not need any of that atm. It would be totally triggering for me. I hope your walk does you good. The other two are maybe not traumatised? So easier to take in stride?

to you!