ch. 4 -- around the next corner

[Libby183]

Dear Sanmagic.

You are such a caring and helpful person and  I hope you are caring for yourself through everything that is going on in your life.

Hugs,  Libby

[DecimalRocket]

 

[Sceal]

 

[sanmagic7]

thank you for the warm wishes, libby, and the hugs d.r. and sceal.  they all felt warming to me, in a very good way.

i just finished writing in another journal about accepting my past self with all the limitations i've recently learned about.  especially my stunted emotional being and a lot of social awkwardness. 

i've been wrestling with some new knowledge about myself for a few months, and i guess i finally have the strength to write about it.  i don't exactly know how to feel about it, but it did explain some stuff for me.  when i was researching about alexithymia, two things came up repeatedly - addictions and autism. 

i've certainly gone the addictions route - substances, food, relationships.  my curiosity about the autism part wouldn't leave me alone, and a few months ago i decided to peek into it a bit more closely.  i took an online diagnostic tool.  i came out with a score of 30.  the tool said that 31 and over showed autism.  i let that set with me a while.

a couple months later, i decided to do this again, using a different diagnostic.  on this one i scored 32.  the scoring for this one said that 32 and higher showed autism.  granted, the very lowest end of the scale, but still.  and i began looking backwards on my life.

i was social, but not always in the ways that other kids were.  i remember many, many times being on the playground playing jacks or hopscotch by myself.  i was usually comfortable having one friend at a time, but still often felt alone.  i felt closer to books, was often in the library by myself during summer vacations.  my sister was my best friend, but also my bully.  i didn't know how to deal with that except keep my mouth shut.

in junior high, i lost it.  my one friend moved away, i went to a brand new school where i knew no one, and didn't know how to make friends.  i'd never felt so lonely in my life, went to my parents, sobbing, but was turned away.  i was on my own, and experimented with developing a personality.  mine had been gray up till then.

by the time i was a senior in high school, i'd figured out a personality that seemed to work - very outgoing, smiling, laughing, giving out compliments, making others feel good.  i finally had friends, but i was still depressed and anxious and floated thru it all.  i had no way to relate on a concrete basis or an emotional level.

at any rate, my floatiness stayed with me for much of my life - just doing what needed to be done to keep from feeling so alone.  no emotions allowed me to put myself in what i can now see were dangerous situations.  i had some hardworking angels watching over me. 

when i got older, married, i wanted a baby, but once i had one i really didn't know what to do with it.  i didn't have what i've heard are 'normal' mom feelings, no joy in my babies (lots of post partum depression), never talked to them while they were in my bellies, just carried them around cuz they were there and coming with me. 

i read the books on parenting, but they never clicked with me.  my children were my responsibility and a chore.  i didn't talk out loud to them when they were babies, but thought i could link my mind thoughts with them.  i didn't want to be like my mom, so i looked for someone to emulate in taking care of my children.  i chose mary poppins.

honestly, i didn't know what i was doing, couldn't connect with anything real, so i chose a fictional character who was magical.  that's how far away from reality i was.  fictional books and movies were more real to me than life and self-help information.

so, i now have this new information, but it helps me understand a lot about why i don't get 'hints' when people want something but don't ask for it, why i can't always express myself the way i want, or why i'm not able to tolerate most people, or relate to them in common ways.

i'm intelligent and high functioning, if i am indeed on the autism spectrum, but there are true signs that i'm very much on the border, if not actually autistic to some degree.  i've been sharing this with my d in hopes that she'll better understand my social screw-ups, and i think she does.  it's been unsettling to have this realization, but i can't go any farther than 'unsettling'.  i don't know how to feel about it, except to realize that i may have been much more handicapped than i thought i was.

when i first saw 'autism' connected to alexithymia, i immediately dismissed it for myself.  now i think it may be a real thing, albeit on a very small scale.  still.  just wanted to get this out of me.  i don't really want to deal with it, keep pushing it back, but it comes forward anyway, so i thought that writing about it may help my mind.  and i've just been overcome with overwhelming sadness.  this may have been a contributing factor to my feeling of struggling and battling and feeling so confused about so much most of my life. 

i just plowed ahead anyway.  breathe.

[Sceal]

This is a big thing to discover! Huge!
I am not quite sure what to say, other than discovering more about who you are might be quite helpful on the recovery road.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, sceal.  that hug was just right.

your use of the word huge hit me.  maybe i'm not giving it the weight it deserves.  i don't know right now.

time for the porch.

[DecimalRocket]

That's interesting, San. Sometimes hearing how you related to my social awkwardness made me wonder if you were autistic too, but I brushed it off as too crazy. I had this weird instinct you'd question it someday, and surprisingly, you did.  Woah. I guess you had this unique ability to relate to my social issues more than anyone else in the forum.

Autism in women tends to look different than autism in men. They make more of an effort to adapt to other people more somewhat or for a better word, hide their differences. But those differences are there, I'm sure. How they adapt tends to focus more on memorizing what actions to do socially than really knowing the reasons behind them, so when an event that looks almost the same happens, they can stumble.

Aspies can even look outgoing, jolly and wild but there tends to be this strange lack they have in their social life they can't explain. That what they're doing takes more effort and energy than others.

They also tend to have less stereotypical "autistic" interests like computers or math. Aspies do actually are known to be more likely to take part of them. . . including women, but it could often be any interest as long as it's explored in a deep depth that requires a strong amount of routine. *, OOTS can be that kind of interest even.

My case seemed more traditional aspie wise -- interest in STEM, and less of an effort to socialize that I spent more time alone, straightforward-- even blunt, logical minded etc.. It was easier to see. If you have it though? It can be different.

Feel free to ask me any questions, whether pm or on here.

[Libby183]

Hi San Magic,  I absolutely relate to everything you said about feeling that you could be on the autistic spectrum.  I have done some on line tests for asd.  On one, I came out with a higher score than my aspergers son. Your feelings as a child,  and as a new mother sounded so familiar to me. And decimal rocket's point about intense study of cptsd and everything around it, is absolutely spot on.

I see so many similarities between myself and my truly autistic son. Especially when I think of myself as a child, so disconnected from life.  I wonder if it is all part of a big, interconnected picture. Genes,  switched on by environment,  passing trauma through the generations. My daughter has no autistic traits, but after a nasty bout of glandular fever, developed something like chronic fatigue,  with terrible IBS and endometriosis type problems. She is a neuroscientist and says there is a good basis for this theory.

Apologies if I am not very coherent here - the drug withdrawal brain effects are making themselves felt. But I will be really interested to hear more of your thoughts about this whole area. 

Take care and keep strong.

Hugs, Libby.

[sanmagic7]

d.r. and libby, i so much appreciate your feedback and sharing.  thank you very much, and big hugs to both of you.  this is a big 'wow' moment for me.

research - that's what i've always been interested in.  research and filling out paperwork, 2 things that i've heard most everyone say they hate.  yet, i've always loved them both, was good at them both.  they never bored me for a minute.  my very first career that i thought about was being a brain researcher.  then teacher.  therapist became a coming together of both worlds for me, and yes, i researched all different ways to do therapy besides what i was taught in my classes.

so, no, math and computers were/are never my forte.  and, yes, having to guess at how to do things that seemingly come naturally to others, like make small talk (i'm terrible at it, always have been) has loomed large in my life. 

this is so big to wrap my head around.  d.r., thank you for all the info and the invite to ask you more as questions may come to the surface.  libby, that's pretty amazing what you've found out compared to your son.  i just saw an article stating that autism is on the rise.  hard to say why, but you may have some insights there, libby.

thank you both.  i feel like crying just to be accepted.  when i first wrote this, i thought, geez, not another thing.  am i just looking for attention?  i keep strong with the likes of you.  love and hugs.

[DecimalRocket]

Happy to help, San. 

If you are on the spectrum, the ability to deeply focus on an interest can actually have contributed to your ability to support so many people with the disorder, and as a therapist. The interests aspies attach themselves are called special interests, and while not every aspie has a useful interest, some actually do end up being obsessed with one or a few in a good way.

But even if you aren't one, well, I still recognize how much you've done for the world and us. After all, you're still the same person whether you are one or not. If you are one though, all it would is to shed more light into your life, and won't undo what you've done and not done.

See you, San.   

[sanmagic7]

what a sweetheart you are, d.r., to say those things.  tears in my eyes right now for that kindness.  just cried out a bunch of lifelong confusion.  especially about being a therapist, being asked why i did such and such and having no concrete answer.  i could just sense what was needed at the time, but couldn't explain to my supervisor why or how. 

it happens a lot to me, that 'just knowing' thing.  not always, not with everyone or everything, but sometimes . . . and when questioned, i can't readily come up with an explanation at the time.  maybe a few days later when my brain has taken time to process what i said and why i said it. 

reading your post over about 'memorizing' social interactions sounds right, too, altho i don't know that i did it consciously.  more that i noticed it and tucked it away somewhere in my subconscious until needed in a similar situation.  wow, just wow.  and thank you for mentioning that it takes nothing away from me.  that was gratifying to hear, and i will keep it next to my heart.  love you, sweetie.  yeah, i have felt an affinity toward you that i couldn't explain, in spite of our age difference.  guess this is why.   

[sanmagic7]

i'm on the verge, have made a major decision, it's to take place tomorrow morning.  we'll see how it goes.  i wonder if i'll be able to sleep at all tonite.  physical intimacy, which hasn't happened for 10 yrs.  i'm longing for it, but scared to death at the same time.  i feel like a virgin all over again.

my hub has told me several times that if i can find a man who will take care of me, he'd be the happiest man in the world.  well, this may be part of that.  i've asked him to forgive me in my mind, but i keep moving forward with this, so i do believe it's the right thing to do.  kindness, caring, listens to me, recalls what i've said, complimentary, respectful - i don't know what to do with all that.

so, we'll see.  i'm not looking for someone to take care of me, per se, just someone lovely as a friend with benefits.  feels weird using that phrase.  we've both talked about it, he knows i'm moving on in less than 2 mos., so it may be just a temporary thing.  the thing is, right now it's feeling very validating of my being a woman.  3 hubs who have really put that to the test for me in the background.  this may help to put that to rest.

doubt that i'll get any sleep tonite, and have doc and breakfast with my d tomorrow morning.  she doesn't know, i doubt that i'll tell her.  maybe after it's over.  i don't know.  i think it's the right thing to do, it's what i've been wanting for a long time.  we'll see, indeed.  he's been lonely for a long time, too.  2 flawed and lonely people with all our own baggage.  but kindness and caring between them. 

we'll see.  just had to write this down, like a confession.  yes, that's what it feels like.  i'm confessing to some hidden situation that not everyone would approve of.  well, i've done stuff that hasn't been approved by others before.  what's one more at this stage of the game?  one really good thing is that we can talk, and he's quite accepting of me.  that may have been my turning point.   ack!

[Elphanigh]

San, I am glad you have made a leap here. You deserve that sort of validation as a woman. I can understand the friends with benefit arrangement, it is something that I have previously really enjoyed and hope that goes well for you. Way to go on trying to take care of your needs

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
I agree with Elpha - really pleased to hear you're looking after your needs, and you've found a man who you want to experience some positivity with - I am feeling excited for you on your behalf!  I hope you got some sleep though!
to you SanMagic, and wishing you happiness in this.
Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

That's great that you're taking care of your needs, San.  As someone who's stuck with a hormonal factory of a body known as puberty, and also a conservative culture that believes in being a prude . . . I can uhh. . . relate.

Well, hope you enjoy your time, San.