Elpha's new adventure

[DecimalRocket]

Hey, it's really tough having to work yourself hard like that, Elpha. I remember I worked so hard a few days ago and fell sick with a fever. I'm good now, but geez, we can be really tough with our mind, body and emotions, really.

I'm worried. I'm sure you need to give yourself some rest, or else your body will find a way to get you to rest for you. It's great you're making the effort to. Not all of us have the time to rest enough, but even just a little of that guilty pleasure could give us some relief.

Take care. 

[Blueberry]

  Elphanigh. I hope your body allows you to have some rest.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you both, my body did get sleep last night. However it was filled with a pretty horrific nightmare that I am not yet prepared to describe. It was one that I work up from, fell back asleep, and went back into... waking up multiple times having to ensure I wasn't covered in someone else's blood is not a pleasant time

[sanmagic7]

geez, el, sounds horrible.  i've had those kinds of nightmares where going back to sleep only continues them.  i've learned that i have to get on the computer to reset my brain for a few hours before i even attempt going back to sleep.  i really feel for you, sweetie.

hope you eventually get the rest you need and deserve.  sending a hug filled with love, and sleep, beautiful sleep, restful sleep, healing sleep.

[Elphanigh]

It really was.. I am still struggling with images of it. My subconscious and body are processing some sort of trauma, I just don't know what it is. I probably should have gotten up to reset but really was exhausted as my body was still in the state it was before I went to sleep. I am still trying to reset my self this morning, I had to get out of my apartment. So I went and got my cats some food (needed to do so soon anyways).

I will probably put some of this dream down here at some point, but I am still working on just settling it down first. I will need somewhere to put it though.

Thank you for a hug full of so much sleep. I am hoping tonight after work I will get it

[Elphanigh]

Going to try to get some of this dream out of my system.

*trigger warning* for violence (I will skip the worst of it, but the gist will still be violent) none of this is real but it is in hindsight probably difficult to read. I don't really understand how my subconscious has so much fuel for nightmares


It was a really hard to follow one. At first, I was in a laser tag like fight with real weapons. This room was full of odd, high tech, but somehow realistic weapons. Everything had real bullets (not like lasers or anything) but it was all fast acting, and very old looking at the same time. We were experimenting with them at first, I was convinced into it. Somehow as this goes on, I ended up shooting one of my worst childhood abusers, like twelve times in the torso kind of shot him which means I killed him.

This flashed to a different section of this dream. It was the same lighting and feel to it, but a separate incident. I  flashed to a scene where I was running to save a friend of mine from HS. It started in an apartment I didn't recognize but seemed safe at first as I was with a good friend fiend of mine until someone came and asked us for help.

We arrived at this place prepared to heal him, but this place was just a bigger version of my current apartment. It was darker but I could tell it was mine. There were a few figures I knew but not super attached to. However the guy we were to heal was a old friend of mine. Skipping some of the middle here. Instead of healing him, I became the one to finish brutally murdering him. This time not a gun, it was with a knife of some sort. That section I am skipping but also is blurry for me anyways.

Then with his body in my kitchen I yelled at him to wake up, with one of the saddest most hurt screams I have heard. It was like I was a young girl looking at a dead friend, one who I desperately wanted to live and be alive. It was such an immense sadness, not in the fake kind of way. It meant no sense after having been the one to kill him. I held his hand just begging him to be okay. While I was covered in his blood on my kitchen floor.... That is the first time I woke up because I scared my poor cat because I screamed in real life...

[Elphanigh]

Trying to separate these a bit. I am not going into more of the nightmare, there is a whole other section from when I went to sleep the second time. I don't want to go there though. The first was bad enough.

My nightmares normally mean I am processing some sort of big T trauma, or that something major is shifting in my mind. I am not sure exactly what this one is trying to process. I know the school shooting this week may have an affect on the nature of the dream. Reading about that and seeing some images can really have an affect.

I did shoot an abuser which could be part of the fact I am trying to process my anger now. The second one was a friend but something happened with him when I was younger. I hasp always just placed it in a different category. He was a good guy, and sometimes kids just experiment with things. I was like 11 or so, and he was convinced by the other abuser I shot in my dream to kiss me against a wall. It was forced but again, he was a good kid.. nothing ever happened more than that with him.

His death in my dream was done angrily but then I was so sad and hurt afterwards. Feeling small and terrified. So the fact I am scared of my anger as well. That I am scared to hurt anyone.. idk.

I have never been the one to murder or kill in my dreams. I am normally tortured or killed... not the one doing it. Honestly trying to figure out what it means but nothing really can fully answer it for me at this point. The above stuff kind of helps but doesn't feel like it is fully what my mind is trying to process

[Hope67]

Hi Elpha,
Hope you are ok after your dreams - just wanted to pop by and say hello and say that I hope very much that you can sort out or work out what you're processing with your dreams - I also like to look at my own, and it can be hard sometimes.    to you, if that's ok.
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Hope, the hug is so very wonderful. Thank you  I am recovering from my dreams thankfully. It took me a while, but I am finally feeling a little more human.

[sanmagic7]

those things can be so nasty and terrifying.  i've also had horrifying dreams when i was processing, making a change subconsciously, whatever.  i've also substituted people in my dreams for someone who felt safer to take my anger out on.

for example, i went through a couple of years of dreaming about getting angry at my sister (she was a bully to me when we were kids) that disturbed me greatly.  eventually, i came to realize i had substituted my sister for my daughter who i'm now nc with.  for the longest time i didn't think it was ok to be enraged at my d because of her own mental illnesses, even tho she abused me horribly most all her life.

when i was finally able to make the switch to being angry at my daughter, was able to realize the reality behind my anger, the nightmares stopped.  many years later, i had more angry dreams about my sister, but i know they were about her and what happened between us.   they didn't have the same horrific feeling about them, either, altho they were still disturbing.

anyway, the friend in your dream may have been a less scary substitution for someone else against whom you have a lot of anger but aren't necessarily ready to identify that person and get it out yet.  i don't know - i just remember it worked that way for me.

very sorry you're having to go thru this, el.  this crap is so far-reaching into our minds, it's nearly unbelievable.  still, i'm hopeful that it means something positive for you in the end.  hang tough, sweetie.  you'll get thru this, as awful as it is.  it just p's me off once again that the suffering from what happened is so far-reaching.   loving warm  hug to you, sweetie.

[Elphanigh]

I am glad it isn't just me that has had these sometimes. I always have horrific dreams, but I don't normally murder people. It has just been a hard set of images in my head today. Hopefully, I will figure out what the reason is for it. The idea that it is someone else I am angry at that I just can't quite name or handle is a wise thought. I am not sure if that is it, but hopefully I will find out soon. I don't want this strand of nightmares to last as long as the last ones.

I am glad to know that it got easier for you once you realized, and am hoping that is something I can experience as well.

Thank you for being a bit angry for how far reaching this stuff is. It takes so much from all of us, including in this case the little bit of sleep and rest I have. Also just in general a sense of peace that I might have otherwise had. *sigh* oh well, this too shall pass

[sanmagic7]

   to you my sweet el.

[Elphanigh]

Awe, thank you dear. I did sleep last night for about seven hours, it was nice. I had a weird dream but not one that bothers me. Your hug full of sleep had an affect, San

[sanmagic7]

glad you had some decent sleep, finally.  i really am.  i'm terribly protective of my sleep cuz it's so choppy, and i wasn't able to sleep well for so very many years in the past.  i'm just so glad i'm at a place where i can catch up, sleep during the day. 

love and a warm hug to you, sweetie.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you. My sleep is so precious to me, as i am so active right now. Between working 50-60 hours and week, and truly commiting to full time recovery I need the rest whenever I can get it.

I am glad you are at a plave where you can sleep when you need to my dear..one day I will have so much sleep to catch up on. My sleep habits now are bad, but in college they were abysmal. I spent months kind of making up for that.

I am hopeful tonights sleep will be peaceful as well. I certainly need it to be. I worked a straight 12 hour shift with no real break today. My feet and bad knee really ache.