Elpha's new adventure

[Elphanigh]

I couldn't find the words for this last night, so I went to the porch instead. Hopefully, I can find some words for it this morning.

Saturday I got angry because I had a panic attack out of no where while I was by myself in a part of the city I generally love. I think my system just took in too much stimulation in the environment that day. However it is not normally an issue so I found myself mad at myself for having one. I realized that I was hearing the old voices.. I was repeating the reactions my M used to give me for my panic attacks.. I got mad that it was her words that were going over in my head making it harder to calm down...

I was angry that she is so good to everyone else, that she post mental health advocacy stuff on her fb and is so helpful to her friends... but to her own daughter she was nothing but cruel and shaming....


Then yesterday I got a really bad EF last night. I ended up frozen on my kitchen floor crying for who knows how long before I decided I needed to call someone. I couldn't admit what was wrong at first because I didn't want anyone truly offering help. I didn't want to look like I had failed as an adult and feel like I owed them something. These are old ways of feeling and thinking, I was shot back to all of my old shame and distrust... but at the same time just overwhelmed with helplessness and fear. I got terrified because I couldn't bring myself to cook dinner... I was  afraid that if I did I wouldn't have any food today... that I wouldn't make any money at work because it was slow and I would be able to buy the groceries I so desperately need right now.

But I didn't want to admit I needed help. Didn't want to admit I probably would have to choose between feeding my cats or myself if I don't make money at work today...I would choose my cats every time and would function somehow for myself. But in EF land I was the terrified girl that couldn't feel anything but terror and shame, there was no logical processes truly going on.

I have since admitted what was going on, and begrudgingly recognized that I need the help and have friends that offer without every asking . That they would never treat me like I owed them because they know I would help them if the situation was ever reversed. I am trying to not feel guilty, or feel like I have failed at being an adult. I work two jobs, and almost 60 hours a week usually. It is a slow time of year and I can't control that.. I don't spend in weird places or go out a bunch... I truly am not at fault here.. I have to believe that

[sanmagic7]

absolutely believe it, honey.  you are working so hard, it's bound to take a toll on you and overwhelm you every so often.  i don't believe for a minute that you are a failure as an adult.  in fact, quite the opposite.  you are being so very responsible, doing what you need to do, both for yourself and your cats, you are giving and generous here on the forum, which is helping lives come back together, and you're working on your issues all at the same time.

too much stimulation?  with everything else, i think it will just hit you once in a while.  there's no shame in that.  i've just gone thru something similar over the weekend.  we all do from time to time.  that doesn't make us failures, tho.  these are the beast bumps that overcome us.  we get thru them, leave them behind, and continue moving.

thanks for sharing, for letting us know so that we can share some of the burden with you.  earth mother spirit, as always, wrapping you up in her voluminous skirts, embracing you until the tremors go away, staying by your side until you are steady once again.

you darling thing, you.  warm, loving hug filled with comfort and care to you.

[Elphanigh]

Oh my dear friend, had I not just put my makeup on for work about five minutes ago I would have just cried. Good cleansing tears, but goodness I am still feeling all of this. Your love and encouragement means the world to me. It is good to hear the kind words, and confirmation that I appear to be doing well as an adult. I do truly hope I am helping out here as much as you think I am. It is the one place I am able to be helpful right now. Irl I am not having as much luck with it all the time.

Too much stimulation, just a very busy part of the city with lots of noise, people, cars etc.. being alone down there can spike things sometimes, even if normally I am calm and collected there. I am sorry you had similar this weekend, but you are right we will get through them

I am glad I can share some of the burden here, it helpha me carry the weight of everything a bit better. I have never had an easy life, so there's is a lot to carry. One day I hope there will be less, but I am forever grateful to have the people here help me carry some of this. I have to work today and act like I am on top of the world, this place helps me function enough to do that.

I will be in earth mothers skirts today and probably into tomorrow, healing this ef and taking the strength I need to in order to truly let my friend help me. I will stay in your hug too, giving one full of love and warmth back to you as well

[Hope67]

Hi Elpha,
Just wanted to pop by and say hello and extend a warm and gentle hug  if that's ok.   

I've missed everyone here, whilst the forum was down, and it's so great to be back and I just wanted to pop by to say 'hello'.

Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Hi Hope, so glad to have you stop by. The hug is perfecr 

[Elphanigh]

I have food in my house tonight, it brings some relief but also some other feelings. I spent part of my life with an eating disorder, not long but enough for it to affect how I view food. It isn't something I struggle with particularly now but it will always affect how I see eating and such.

Having food here has left me a bit in child mode, considering it was essentially a gift. I am very grateful, but it feels odd to have so much like it will be taken away from me. Now my family never used food as an abuse tactic. One of my abusers did gift me with food for acting well, and would keep it from me if I didn't do something she wanted. It was a treat if I was good to help cook or she would make me my favorites... it was never something that got bad enough to be starving or anything. Then in high school I developed an eating disorder as a way to gain control in a time I felt like I had none. In which case food was kept from me, but by me not someone else

I feel like the small girl that has just been given food, who hadn't eaten the last meal because I did something wrong. Or kind of like when I was a teenager that finally ate some food and let herself keep it in her system because she had gone on a run or something of the like. I am neither of those people right now, but that is what it feels like.

I spent basically a full 36 hours away from my own apartment, 24 of that at a friends house just recuperating. I spent time eating proper meals, and sleeping. Took time to just relax and breathe. It was like a tiny vacation to help me come off of the EF I had one Sunday.

Being home is good, but I realize my nerves raise when I am here because of all of my stress right now. Working almost 60 hours a week, being fully committed to healing/processing, thenjust everything that has been happening since the holidays is a lot. I need to clean but I struggle to get things like that done when I am exhausted most of the time. It is gong to be something I need to kind of map out so I can do small chunks this week to get it done. I want it clean so my apartment feels more relaxing to me, but I also don't need to make myself more stressed by cleaning it

My energy levels because of the recovery process are unpredictable and ever changing.. it is frustrating but I am hopefull I can finally learn to function with it better.

I don't think any of that was truly in a coherent fashion, I could write more as there is a lot in my brain but I think that rest is a better option at this point. Can process some before writing more

[Three Roses]

Sounds like you may need to go to ground for a bit. I think I saw that Woodsgnome had chopped a bunch of firewood for the Healing Porch, and I was gonna go start a fire. You're welcome to join me, or I'll leave some extra wood handy so you can take over.

You do a lot for us here, dear Elpha, I hope you nurture yourself proper! 

[Elphanigh]

I think I want to phrase this in no uncertain words so I can remind myself of this. Going to see about exploring this in therapy next week actually. I want to be able to reread this and know this as true because it is important, even if not pleasant.

Food was used in my abuse in multiple ways, not extreme but it still matters. It was used in my younger abuse outside of my Foo, was used in my Foo when I was a teenager, and was constantly a concern through my life because people constantly commented on how thin I was, asking my parents sometimes if I was anorexic or sick ( I wasn't at the time). I developed an eating disorder in my teens because of everything that had happened to me, and it was made worse by my M who in turn did make food an abusive thing to me. My odd relationship with food is okay, but needs work. I have come such a long way with it on my own, and it is okay when it isn't perfect.





I find that I need to be able to admit all of that, to put it somewhere I can come back to. I have so very rarely given the attention to my food issues that they deserved. It is something I do much better with, I love food really truly and always have. However,I have a love hate relationship. Eating is one of the easiest things for me to give up when I am stressed/anxious but it also brings out the terrified little girl in me when I don't have food available to me. Both sides make sense from wha it have been through.

I have always wondered why I was so weird about it, and why child mode was something that came up whenever I was given food. Writing all of this helps me understand

[Elphanigh]

Three Roses, sorry typed that other one before your response. I would love to join you by the fire, Woodsgnome chopped a lot of fire wood for us. I kind of went to ground most of today which has helped, but having food in my house again brought a different wave of emotions and realizations, so I may need to again. The healing porch with great company sounds perfect tonight.

Glad to hear that I do a lot here, I always question that and forget that I do very much here. It is really nice to have that reminder. 

[Three Roses]

 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you 

[Elphanigh]

I just got handed a flute teacher if I want it... I miss that part of me so much, and need to have some of my own questions answered. It could offer me that. But it comes from a person I am currently NC with. I have the contact info, so I don't have to make contact with the person but I don't trust it. However, there's a part of me that needs to know that is so excited at the possibility of having a new flute teacher. There is a part of me that is excited at the idea of playing again, and ensuring I am making the right decisions in my life. That I am not deciding simply because I ended up with a narc for a flute professor in college.


This could be a fresh start, somewhere to learn more about myself and decide for myself what I want. If it is a teacher I could be open with at the start about my concerns it could be really helpful. But the fact it is attached at all to a narc makes me suspicious. I know this woman is separate and barely knows my old teacher and that in this city everyone at least somewhat knows my teacher... so if I want to play again here I have to be prepared to dodge that a bit.

My music saved me in times of the worst trauma, it was a home for me. I mean it evens it'll is, when i struggled yesterday I went and played piano for two hours. Just sightreading music and playing a few things I remembered well felt like home to me. I want to make sure I am not leaving that career for the wrong reasons.. taking lessons with this teacher could answer these thing s for me.it could help bring back a part of me I have been so afraid was lost permanently

There is always a part of me that aches because I don't play like I used to... that aches because I don't have that place to go to anymore. So maybe this is what I need. Part of what I wrote down that I wanted to do this year was to start playing again... maybe just maybe this is the universe giving me that chance.

Part of me is so excited but I am afraid to get excited. I know this is not particularly cptsd related but the mix of feelings and body reactions to this news certainly is. I process everything through a lens of that

[Three Roses]

From the way you describe it, it sounds a bit like Hoovering to me.  Maybe that's just my cynicism. But whatever it is or isn't, i hope you go slowly and thoughtfully here.

[Elphanigh]

I am definitely moving slowly and thoughtfully here. It is something that requires a lot of thought and caution no matter what I decide

[Elphanigh]

I drew some wonderful, firm boundaries today with someone that has previously had none. It makes me feel less like I am crazy and just safer to be the one calling the shots here. She was actually respectful and asked permission to talk to me at an event we will both have to be a therapist next month, it felt good to have her say she would respect my boundaries and actually ask permission for a change.

On that note, I have after months finally answered my old flute teacher. Very firmly but I needed to for myself so it would stop catching me off guard and throwing me off my game. I am going to talk to this new teacher, and observe her to make sure I feel like it will be safe and worth my time. I want to make sure she can be trusted to do good and not harm. I want this piece of me back, and reclaiming it brings its own power