Elpha's new adventure

[Elphanigh]

I played for an hour today, it felt like coming home a bit. My emotions were difficult at first but it passed pretty quickly today. I am glad the universe has kind of given me a nudge back towards music a bit, just so I can have it back in my life. It will also mean I start to heal some of my old narc abuse wounds

Having food in my house has been very nice today. I have felt like I have the ability to eat freely, at least somewhat which does a good amount to help my Little's feel less panicked.

Overall I think I am coming out of the ef, and panic attacks from this weekend more fully. It has left me very tired but I am feeling more myself

[sanmagic7]

so glad to hear that, el.  it's nice to know you have enough food, isn't it?  i get panicky at that kind of thing as well. 

you played.  that's so wonderful.  i don't have the words, but the feelings about it are sensational.  love and a huge music-filled, healing hug.

[Elphanigh]

Glad it isn't just me that gets panicky at that kind of thing.

Thank you for the hug  Also fir being glad I finally played

[Elphanigh]

I don't even truly know where to start with the last several days, there has been progress but so much processing to get there.

Music is coming back to me, I am fighting to reclaim that's piece of me in some form. I am not exactly sure what form it will take but at least it is taking a form right now. I have a lesson with a teacher who has a doctorate in flute performance tomorrow. It is intimidating, but having talked to her some on the phone I feel like we will mesh well. I am not sure how to tell her exactly how I am coming at this. I want to regain this part of me, I want to reclaim it for myself because I am tired of letting an abuser take it away from me. I am tired of all of the horrible things I went through in college stealing such a large piece of me. I am taking this back for myself. I don't know where it will lead, and if I will ever choose to go back to it as a career but at this moment I am trying to let it be whatever feels right.

My food issues have finally seen some light. I haven't worked to process those properly, so it is big progress I can shed some light on them. There is more of a struggle there than I realized there still was. I too easily drop a meal or two a day, especially when I am working so much. I want to try to work on that, but not in a way that it brings up some of the old feelings. I was forced to keep a food journal for a while, but it was used by my mom as a way to get mad at me and shame me... rather than help me like something like that should have been.

I feel freer now that I am not being consumed by my narc flute teacher now. I don't have to look at my phone and be worried it is her, or feel like I am constantly avoiding something. It is good to feel a bit more free without that.

However I have realized that I need to learn to separate music from survival. As a kid it was a place I could go to survive. When you sing, or play the rest of the world can go away. It helped melt all of the abuse away for a little while. It was a method of survival for me. I poured everything I could into it because I needed an escape.

When I got out of the abusive place, and began to treat it as a career things shifted. I stoped loving it, because it was no longer an escape it was something that could be stressful. I had never experienced that before. Music became part of my abusive reality. That took so much from me. Music is not an escape or a survival tool anymore. It doesn't need to be, I am not in an abusive situation and don't want to escape my reality. I want to heal and grow which means facing my reality. So I need to learn to separate music from survival. I need to let it shift into a new role, whatever that may be.

Therapy is going to be a big one Tuesday. I am honestly not sure what I want to work on the most. Food issues are huge but so are some of the music things. I could also go into how angry I was at that part of me, how mad I got at the piece of me loved music.. I was so angry at the part of me that was such a dreamer and wasn't particularly logical. She may have kept some form of hope for me but it was that hope that got crushed and beat in college. Had I not had that part maybe things wouldn't have gotten so bad, that part of me just crumbled under the narc abuse and the pressures I ran into in school. The logical, strong, resilient part of me survived college, it got me my degree and just left behind the part of me that's loved and dreamed with all of her heart. I lost that part of me, and got angry at it.

I wanted her to be stronger, tougher, more impervious to the world. She couldn't be that. She was the small part of childhood joy and innocence I kept hidden away from everyone. I kept her safe and held up until I left home. She got so hurt when I let that part of me show. I poured into my logical self instead, then grew this anger and bitterness towards music and what it stood for. It became part of my abuse and I could no longer trust it. I couldn't trust half of who I was anymore


I find I am fearful to be hopeful, I am scared to get hurt again. It isn't hard to not be afraid that something will happen, that fear kept me on my toes growing up. It kept me alive, and made sure I could switch modes with no effort. It mean that I could help save the people around me, and save myself. So this fear is a natural response for me.

[sanmagic7]

dearest el, i can't express how happy i am for you with getting back to your flute.  it's exciting for me to hear that.  i know you have a lot of backstory with it, but you are triumphing thru it.  for that i am grateful, but not surprised. 

if i may make some observations on some of what you said here, when you talk about being angry at yourself, any part of yourself, could that possibly be misplaced anger?  i don't see any part of you hurting you - rather i see others have hurt those precious pieces of you.  i truly believe all parts of ourselves are only attempting to help us survive and make it through in the best way they know how.

it's the others around us, tho, who have tried to stifle, even kill, those parts of us that continued to work so hard to keep us alive and moving.  that dreamer part of you that got crushed didn't die.  she doesn't deserve your anger.  she is an important part of you who is moving thru the abuse, moving thru the jungle of what was done to you, and is beginning to see the light again, thru your music.

the idea that you are in the process of reclaiming the love of music for its own sake speaks volumes as to the progress you have made.   i'm not trying to invalidate your feelings of anger - i think it's righteous anger.  i just think some of it might be being misplaced.   

i understand how you can see that if that dreamer part of you hadn't been there, you wouldn't have gotten so hurt, wouldn't have been crushed, wouldn't have lost so much.  still, if she hadn't been there, you wouldn't have the impetus to get back to the music you love.

i think your fear is natural, seeing what you went thru.  i believe, tho, that being more aware now, stronger, having more clarity that you will more easily be able to navigate these new-again waters into which you're heading.  wishing you all the best, and anticipating hearing how it goes.  sending a warm, loving hug filled with musical joy.

[Blueberry]

Wow, there's a lot going on Elphanigh. Lots of realisations  which lead to progress of some sort usually.

[Elphanigh]

San, thank you for being excited that I am coming back to my music and even more for not being surprised that I found my way to it. 

I love your insight,  very valuable as always. That anger is misplaced, some of the ways you phrased it really struck me. I didn't do anything wrong bt having hopes and dreams. That is so delightfully human and beautiful considering all I went through. That part of me is also not dead, I thought she was for a while.

My anger is more effectively pointed towards those that caused me harm, and did the crushing. It is an old habit to blame myself for things that others did. I have come a long way in that department, but still have a very long way to go. Self blame is such a natural instinct for me. Thank you for pointing out some of that pattern my dear.

I really hope I can navigate these new waters well. I have my lesson in about 7 hours. I will definitely post here about how it goes. I imagine I will need to process either way. Sending hugs

Blueberry, there has been a lot of processing the last week. I am hopeful to gain new progress

[Elphanigh]

Where to even begin tonight... The last week has been transformative, especially the last two days.  I feel like I have made leaps of progress and had a million realizations. I know it is not just a week worth of things, it is the months of hard work on recovery but I finally see the months of progress culminating. It is powerful and freeing more than I could have truly foreseen.

My flute lesson went well, for those of you who are keeping up on this journal (also thank you for reading, I truly do ramble) This new teacher is a brilliant player, but also a wonderful human being. Once I got past my initial fears that lesson was more productive than one with my previous one ever was. It was like a conversation, like we were on equal playing fields because what I wanted and thought mattered. It was very different for me, I have experienced that in a very long time. It felt constructive not confining and like I would be berated for mistakes. This feels like I have room to explore and grow, instead of needing to be perfect every second. It is such a different dynamic.

I took a lot to my T today. She was absolutely thrilled that I drew boundaries with my old teacher and had started with this new one. I for the first time in her office smiled and got so excited. To such an extent as to make her mention it. Something along the lines of her being "just so happy to see a smile like that, no one could fake that look on your face". It was of such excitement and joy. Remembering what it felt like to be excited about music. Getting to tell her how I even started playing flute because I happen to play 8 instruments, She reminded me the fact I can just pick them up is a talent. That it isnt just normal for people to be able to do that. It was because I said I didn't believe the very complimentary words my previous teacher said about me to the new one, and struggled to accept that the new teacher truly meant it when she said I was naturally very gifted. I have never believed anyone when they told me I was good, because I was never good enough. There was always some form of better I could be, which is true to an extent in music but to an unhealthy extent in my mind.

Music was a survival tool for me when I was younger, it was my escape from the severe abuse I was undergoing. It was a good deal of how I survived and stayed as kind and caring as I am. It isn't all of it, but it was a tool for survival. Then I moved to college and it became something I hated. I stressed endlessly, forgetting what it was I loved about my playing. I forgot what it was like to play for joy and to love hearing myself. I forgot how much talent I had because it was never enough. I didn't fit into the box my narc flute teacher needed me too. I wasn't my predecessor, we played differently, but she needed me to be that. I could never do any right. It crushed me.

I got to be angry in session today. To truly feel my anger for her. Putting my anger in the right place, feeling righteous anger felt good. It is difficult still, but I am coming to it. I got to be angry that she took so much from me, that someone who should have nutrured the talent everyone else seems to see( the talent she swore she saw) could steal what I loved most from me. I truly believed that part of me was gone, that I would never play with love and joy again. I thought that part of me was dead, that I would never have any piece of that back.  I have been grieving a part of my soul, for almost a year and a half. I am 23 and was convinced every dream I have ever had, and the biggest passion I have ever experienced was gone. I thought something that had been a part of my being to the core from before I remember was just gone and destroyed. I can't explain just how painful that is (as I sit here crying a bit as I write this)

I got to be angry for this, for all the ways she crushed me, for all the times I was mad at myself for not not being enough.. not strong enough, not good enough, not capable enough, not talented enough. I was so angry at myself because she turned it on me every time. I thought it was me for so long. I got to be angry today, at the right person. I paused when my T asked me to say to her what I wanted to say to my previous flute teacher (going to call the PTF for the remainder of this post). I suddenly got shy, and couldn't say the words yet. I am going to work on that, see if maybe next week that bit of roleplay will feel more doable. We tried to tap back in, and did tap back into my anger but she didn't try that again because I came up with a fresh thought.

Emdr is truly a miracle working thing for me. I can see progress and strength. I am reclaiming part of me that was gone. I am learning to play for myself, not for anyone else. To find my power in it, and learn to come back to the love I have for it. I am still a perfectionist musician so always wanting to be better, but I can remember why I loved this. I can see little bits of why it was I worked and did get into school. That maybe there is some truth in my new teacher's words. That my T's faith in me is warranted. She said that if I ever did decide to go back to this as a career path she was more than certain that I would succeed. That between my strength and what natural talent it appears I have that I could  do anything I wanted. I know she is my T and is supposed to encourage me but that meant the world still.

I am confronting my food issues as well. Being reminded how far I have come with that, because I don't want to lose weight in an unhealthy way. I still want to lose it but I don't want to make myself sick in order to do it.

I came home with such energy today that I couldn't sit still. Like with all the emotions from session that I had all the energy in the world. I opted to sing and dance while cooking dinner. To laugh at myself when I was a little clumsy and spun into the wall. Anger and excitement are such different emotions but both contain immense energy. The combination left me fueled and rearing to go. I do feel sadness with all of this as well, because there is sadness to remember what I went through. There is a sadness to what I lost for a while, and to all that I have been through

[Elphanigh]

That was really long, and for anyone that read that (and this) I appreciate you. I normally try to keep these down, but this is the one space I can write this much. No need for anyone to fully read this, I understand. After moderating, my eyes get so tired of reading. So long posts can be hard, so I don't expect anyone to feel any differently.

I finally told one of my friends about some of my worst food issues. Some of the abusive ways it was used in my life. It felt good that someone else saw them as horrible. That my first abusers actions were horrible, and that my M reactions later in my life were crazy and not at all okay. None of it was okay.

I think that is my biggest take away from today. None of it was okay, not a bit of this was okay. What I went through, every layer of it, was not okay. I endured severe abuse and then lots of smaller versions of it. Not any ounce of that was okay or warranted. I was not wrong or bad, I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Nothing I did would have changed that. I was this beautiful, positive, caring little girl. Not an ounce of bad in her (I mean the normal childish bits of being mischievous but not truly bad). I didn't deserve any of it. I didn't do anything to deserve it even once, let alone thousands of times. Even as a teenager, and in my very early twenties I didn't deserve it. I was vulnerable to it because of what I had already been through. I was easily taken advantage of because I hadn't even begun to recognize everything I had been through, let alone begin to heal enough to have a sense of self. I didn't have the skills because the people that were supposed to teach me never did. I didn't deserve the things I went through as a teenager, and didn't deserve to have my passions destroyed because of a narcissistic that found me as an easy target.

For once, I feel that truth. I am mad about it, at the sheer amount of it. Angry at the right people for all of the hurt I never deserved.

[DecimalRocket]

Hey, Elpha. I read those 2 posts without losing interest. I don't really know much about music - I'm more . . . logical-technical and creatively, I'm more of a writer. But I know what it's like to lose interest or lack confidence in the things I love doing and many people in society do. Having some kind of teacher or guide is essential to developing not only these skills, but also our emotional confidence around it. To have that broken is just cruel. I've watched you practice and think about music through your journal for a bunch now, and while I can't comment on it technically, I see your dedication. That you're working hard and that your own failure is what allows you to learn from your mistakes.

I remember I wrote a journal entry about Richard Feynman who won the Nobel Prize in Physics. When he received it, he didn't care. He didn't care for fame, achievement or praise. He just wanted to enjoy learning what he loved. It's across disciplines, but I'm pretty sure it's universal in all types of the deepest learning, huh? Only when he stopped learning what and how others told him to did he find his own path to find something worthwhile and original to the world. But if he wouldn't have won the prize, it'd still be worthwhile to him.

Yes, you were a beautiful girl back then and now. It wasn't your fault. It was your abuser's fault. I'm glad you can feel anger at them now. I can't and don't care how you look, but I can tell you're beautiful on the inside.

Take care. 

[Elphanigh]

Decimal, I am really glad you didn't lose interest. I felt like it was a bunch of rambling, but I needed to get it out. I have been processing so much lately. I am glad the way I write about music here shows my dedication to it, even when I had lost so much of it. Fighting to get it back has been a long journey. I think you are right in the fact we all need someone to teach us these skills, and help us gain the emotional confidence we need in it. Having the opposite really took a lot from me.

That type of learning is definitely universal. It is wonderful you follow physics, one of my best friends is a aspiring physicist. So it is good to hear about it from someone else as well.

Thank you for not caring how I look irl. I have never much cared about anyone on here in that manner either. I feel like we get to see much deeper. It is good to start placing the anger and blame where it belongs.

[sanmagic7]

dearest el, i am rendered nearly speechless with admiration, love, and pure enjoyment of you.  i saw no ranting, just breakthroughs of immense proportions that are giving way to such personal empowerment.  you are taking your life back.  i can't tell you how happy, overjoyed, i am for you. 

so glad the emdr is helping.  this is what trauma therapy is about at its best.  kudos to your t, and to your new flute teacher for being exactly what you've needed.   i'd give them a big hug, too, if i could.  but, here's one for you filled with warmth, happiness, and such a big smile.  love love love all over the place.

[Elphanigh]

I am so glad you see all of that in my posts form yesterday. It does truly feel like these are great breakthroughs, several at once which is huge. The work is finally starting to truly pay off. It is so nice to see you so overjoyed for me. I can imagine it I see vaguely like the reaction my T had to all of this yesterday. It was the most thrilled and excited that I have ever seen her be.

My T and new flute teacher are very healing for me. I have gotten lucky to have them both, especially my T at this point. She does hug me st the end of every session if I am okay with it, which has come to be a small healing gesture that I greatly appreciate. She found out in one session that I was one that valued those small bits of physical support and affection. Previously it had appeared that I wasn’t very touchy, so she had not yet offered. It is nice that’s she asks me at the end of each session, and I have the ability to say no at anytime. Good for a change

Either way, all that to say is I love the hugs you send.

[Elphanigh]

I have found today that this is all exhausting me a bit. It is all very powerful and such progress but it is mentally draining. I find that my mind has been sitting with the fact that none of it was okay, that none of it was warranted. My mind has decided that it is inportant to recognize and name the incidents, in its own way. It has been remembering things off and on, starting to see all the wrongs and finding some anger but also grief there. It is hard to remember so much and stay completely grounded. I shave managed so far but it is difficult to maintain.

The holiday isn't helping as I am remembering my last two long relationships and how the last one ended. It is just a lot for one mind to hold. Work could go two ways... it could be overwhelming and cause a trigger becususe I have been fighting them. Or it could be distracting enough my mind can come out of this processing. I am hoping for the latter

[Elphanigh]

Warning this is probably going to sound like whiny venting....


I have been working about 60 hour weeks between two jobs for almost a month now. It is starting to kick my tail, because I am also in full fledged recovery, starting flute again, moderating, and trying to balance the responsibility of being alone. To top it off, it is not helping much of my financial worries so that stress really takes a toll still too.

There have been so many major changes or realizations in the last month that I cannot count. It is a lot to take in. I have also been eating completely healthy since the first of the month, which is good but has been a huge shift just for my body.

I went to do a great act of self care after getting off work today, laid down to take a nap instead of numerous things I could have started doing (there is always a giant list). I laid down and for whatever reason I felt this instant trigger into a fight or flight type response. My body went into survival mode for whatever reason.... there had been nothing to happen today to trigger that. Especially not in my apartment when I was going to do something so very good for me. I don't ever take naps because I hate giving into exhaustion.

So I calmed down and managed to lay down for a bit over an hour. I kind of dozed off but didn't fully. Got up a bit before my alarm would go off witha raging headache and completely nauseous feeling. My body just so angry and dehydrated feeling for no reason. I have drank so much water today, and eaten properly... ugh. I hate this beast because despite all my best intentions it still gets to me 

Just feel like crashing, and like I am this little ball of utter exhaustion and defeat tonight