MelodieRose's Journal

M.R. · December 05, 2017, 03:34:43 AM

Post 1:                                    Dec 4, 2017

I have been struggling with whether or not to start my own journal on here. I have never been good "at keeping a journal". But at the same time there is a lot that I have difficulty with that I never share and sharing it, to get it 'out there', might be beneficial to me.

I've read through some of the people's journals on here and it always seems to be a very supported space.

So I guess here it goes...

Like I said above, I don't share a lot. And it's not because I'm a private person. There is such a vulnerability with sharing. My deepest thoughts and feelings aren't always the most pleasant and at times where I have shared I've always seemed to get one of a few responses:

    1. People that you're talking to get scared. Like all of a sudden they don't know how to interact with you anymore. It's like you've become infected or diseased.

2. You get the, "Oh, I'm so sorry that happened to you! You're so strong for going through it."

3. Some people regard you like you're lying. (Which confuses me. I don't know why someone would lie about this serious of things. :/ )

4. Or you get the people that don't treat you any different...but not in the good way. They talk about whatever they want whether or not if affects you. It's like they don't care that they know, they will do what they want.

5. And finally, you get those that know, and are cautious, but still treat you like a human being.

While not all of these responses are bad, (#2 & #5), it is very unpredictable on which response it is you will receive. I've found it just to be better to suffer quietly than suffer openly. Which is why I sat and went back and forth on whether or not to start a journal. All the posts that I have made have always had a positive or neutral response, but it still seems very unpredictable to me.

But this is it for the first post. I haven't been in the best state of mind the past few days, but I thought it would be good for me to communicate even if it's online.

MR

Three Roses · December 05, 2017, 04:43:35 AM

For me, finally opening up and posting in my journal here did me a lot of good. I felt a relief, or release of pressure, like telling a secret that's weighing you down - it felt good to get it out where the sunlight and fresh air could hit it. Responses were gentle and understanding.

I hope I can give the same in return.

DecimalRocket · December 05, 2017, 10:18:34 AM

Opening up can be pretty hard. I've had a bunch of panic attacks before from opening up in relatively harmless situations and it wasn't pretty. I'm glad you're at least trying though. Some of the most difficult things in life are the most rewarding, and it's great that you're expressing yourself here.

sanmagic7 · December 05, 2017, 03:12:32 PM

i think it's very brave of you to begin this, melodierose. good for you.

i've found that journaling here has been a way for me to get out the poison that's been festering inside, put it here, and let the universe deal with it. it's been cleansing in that sense for me. it's also been showing me so much care, concern for what i'm going thru, and generous support and validation. these are things i've not gotten in any great measure throughout my life. it's been a life-changing experience.

i've journaled on my own before, but i appreciate the feedback. it's helped me stay on track, given me things to think about, and even directed me when i didn't know i needed that.

i hope you get what you need from here. big hug.

Blueberry · December 05, 2017, 11:29:35 PM

It's brave of you for trying, MelodieRose. I hope you'll experience the kind of support you need in your Journal.

Journalling here has been very cathartic and healing for me. Having witnesses, somebody finally hearing. Writing at my own pace and with as much as I feel comfortable with.

M.R. · December 06, 2017, 12:39:56 AM

Post 2: Dec 5, 2017

Thank you all for your comments. I know there are a lot of journals and mine is one among many.

_____

To try something a little bit more personal: Possible Trigger Warning

August 2018 will be 10 years ago that I was rescued. It was a few weeks before my twelfth birthday. Social Services had repeatedly failed me year after year for 10 years. My father is the one that found me, stepped in and got me out. In the years since I've seen three different therapists/psychologists. The one I see now, first started late last year. And the reason why that is important is because I had just came off of what I would consider the best year and half of my life. But something happened, like it always seems to do, and I could see myself falling...and falling fast. (I still have no idea what it was that broke me.) So I decided I had to go back and see someone again. Well, it's a little over a year and where I was last year is 'heaven' compared to where I am now. It's horrible. In my last session we actually talked about it and she used the word "frustrated". Like I told her, I'd use the word "hopeless".

I feel like I should get a trophy if I get out of bed. And although I chuckled as I wrote that, it's really pathetic, but true. But the weird thing is that if someone told me what I just wrote I wouldn't think its pathetic. I would feel upset for them and what they have to deal with. It's only with myself that I'm that harsh.

I messed up dinner the other night for my father and I and I ended up making pizza and tossing what it was I was trying to make. My first reaction was, "Omg, you can't even make ___? Seriously?" Second reaction was, "If I can't make dinner correctly than I don't deserve to eat." If anyone else would have done that, those thoughts couldn't be farther from my mind.
It's so frustrating because on one hand these thoughts and feelings feel so 'true' and 'right'. Yet, on the other hand all it does it make me feel like I'm back there being belittled because a little girl couldn't make dinner for 6 including herself. It's crushing.

But I suppose that's enough for now.

MR

Three Roses · December 06, 2017, 02:06:36 AM

I totally get this. Having a very low-energy type day today and can't seem to even get up and start to make dinner for everyone. I feel hopeless sometimes I'll ever get better.

M.R. · December 06, 2017, 03:59:16 AM

I am sorry that you are having a bad day and are feeling hopeless Three Roses. :/ I hope it gets better for you.

I think it's harder for the parents on this forum that make dinner for their family. All I make dinner for is myself and my father and most of the time I'm not even hungry so I can't enjoy the food. Also, if I don't cook my father is capable of making his own dinner. But it doesn't change the fact that if I mess it up, it hits me like I've committed a crime or something and should be punished for it.

M.R. · December 06, 2017, 05:01:16 AM

Post 3: Dec 5, 2017

Two posts in one day?! What? (lol) I had a good day so I figured I'd be more active socially.

I actually had a decently good day today. It started off like it always does: the body tremors, the high anxiety, and not wanting to get up. But I got up. I called the place my scans were referred to and see where everything was and how it was going. And I got a pleasant suprise. After six months of battling with my psychatrist, primary care giver, regular clinic, referred clinic, and family I was finally able to set up an appointment for the first test. There was a great relief of 'finally!' and it was nice to finally have that. And then on top of that I was able to hang out a with a friend for a few hours in the afternoon. It was nice.

For those who don't know and for my future self, I have been fighting to get a couple scans of my brain. My Grandmother and Father had talked to me for years about getting a scan just to see if something was off. And just recently I started to agree with them. So one day a while ago I was trying to find case studies done in Psychology and Sociology (I took both of those classes through my education.). I remembered a particular case study done and wanted to find it again. I didn't end up finding the exact case study, but I found studies done on the effect of early trauma and just trauma in general on children and adults.

I'll have to find some psychological journals and link them so that if anyone else wants to read what I talk about here they are able.

The journals stuck out to me because I had all forms of abuse and it scared me that I might be perminately damaged. Now that's not to say 'I am' but it was enough for me to think I should check.

Here are a few I found real quick. There are plenty more out there online.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1494926/

http://www.snapnetwork.org/psych_effects/how_abuse_andneglect.htm

https://psychnews.psychiatryonline.org/doi/10.1176/pn.36.5.0036

From the last link,
"...Third, it appears as if the psychological impact of childhood physical abuse can especially harm the left hemisphere of the brain. In one of their studies that made this point, Teicher and his colleagues reviewed the records of 115 youngsters who were consecutively admitted to a child and adolescent psychiatric hospital to see whether they could link a history of physical abuse, sexual abuse, or both to brain-wave abnormalities. They could, they found. Specifically, of those youngsters reporting a history of physical abuse, sexual abuse, or both, 60 percent showed brain-wave abnormalities.

J. Douglas Bremner, M.D., and colleagues at Yale University Medical School have also linked left-brain damage to childhood physical or sexual abuse. When they compared MRI scans of 17 adult survivors of childhood physical or sexual abuse with those of 17 control subjects, they found the left hippocampus of the abused subjects was 12 percent smaller than that of the controls..."

You'll end up finding that section in the last third of the page.

I did research for days upon days to see if there was any counter arguments and what was all found out about this. Needless to say what I found scared me enough to start this process. And that's when my therapist borrowed me the book, "The Body Keeps the Score". I found it to validate what I had found.

But anyways, I guess that's enough rambling about that...haha.

Today has ended up being a decently good day and I'm glad I haven't had one of those for a while and it did me some good.

MR

DecimalRocket · December 06, 2017, 01:17:09 PM

Wonderful research Melodie.

A lot of people I've heard found peace in hearing about how their trauma is rooted in their brain allows them to feel more at peace. To be able to see it why they're struggling in something tangible allows them to be less hard on themselves.

I hope you feel the same.

M.R. · December 11, 2017, 09:40:22 PM

Post 4: Trigger Warning Ahead Jan 11, 2017

Decimal, I'm not quite sure how I feel. I'm excited, yet nervous to finally have concrete answers as to what is happening with me. But at the same time I'm terrified. What my FOO always liked to do was tell me that I was difficult or had an illness such as Autism and I "just couldn't understand" and "Am being so difficult". So I'm frightened that they could be right and I do have something wrong.

This weekend was as hard for me as I imagined. In the past few years I have spent quite a few of my weekends helping out my grandparents. I have always been worn out past the point of exhaustion, but this weekend was different.

When I go anywhere or when someone comes over my act automatically comes on. I protray myself as this level headed, funny, easy going and charming woman when in reality I might have been fighting a headache for three days which has resulted in me not sleeping, eating or doing anything at all and all I want is to be left alone. I'm already tired and not feeling well when I add on trying to fake my life so that no one knows and all it results in is the mental, physical and emotional exhaustion. And this is what happened this last weekend.

Trigger Warning:

I have been fighting myself and my symptoms a lot more lately than I have in years and it doesn't seem to do anything. I don't want to eat because food isn't enjoyable to me. I don't seem to taste it. It's just something I have to do. When I eat I remember those times where I was told I was too fat to have peanut butter or the other times where they had whatever food they wanted but what I was told I could have was water with sugar in it. When I sleep I toss and turn fighting the inner demons that I battle with every night. No one knows. I don't scream and I don't tell. I just get tossed around in my own bed trying to survive the night, hoping to get some sleep in the process. When I take a shower I'm in distress. When washing my hair or my body my hands feel like those of which touched me before and it makes my skin crawl. I want to cower and scream but a lump forms in my throat. I want to smack the hands away, but how do you do that when they are your own hands? All these things and more that happen to me, but what do I do? Act. I act. My mind and body are screaming, yet I look calm and composed. This is my life. In me there is a storm, but all that anyone else gets to see is above the clouds where the sun is shining and nothing is wrong.

End of Trigger Warning.

MR

M.R. · December 12, 2017, 05:24:30 PM

Post 5 Jan 12, 2017

Today has been hard. I've reread the post I made yesterday and in my head I crossed a line. I don't feel like I should have shared that. I am personally fine that I posted it, I just feel that it must have been "too true" and "too much" for this site. And I'm not quite sure how I'll move past that thought.

But on another note, what is happening in society with men and women coming out about being harrassed, assualted or abused has struck some strong feelings in me. I haven't posted about it in any of the threads because I don't want to start a conflict. So I'm hoping by posting it here and not in someone else's thread it will go over easier.

It bothers me that everyone seems so happy for all of these people coming out. If all of these people have had done what they say, I'm not happy for them. Having these many people be a victim to others' wants makes me sick. And that's not even talking about how long it took them to speak out. I think that says something about our "justice" system here in the US. (I have no idea if this movement is happening anywhere else.) And especially how all the perpetrators seem to be wealthy and could ruin the lives of anyone that came out against them.

But on the other hand, I realize that not everyone that came out actually had happen what they say. They are using it to ruin people's lives. If they don't like a certain candidate or a certain actor/actress they come out to try to stop them from whatever and that makes me angry. What we, on this site, have been through is no joke and should not be out there for other people's own agendas. And people are happy for these people taking what they've been through and twisting it for their own wants. I just feel sad and angry for all of these people. It's good to shed light on what actually happens behind closed doors, but we have to make sure it actually happened.

It's been nine years since I was hurt, and the time statue ended at seven years and I don't have any voice to speak out because no celebrity hurt me. But people in those situations are able to speak out 10, 20, 30 years later. And if it happened to them, I'm glad that they are able to get some sort of justice or redemption for what they had to live with, but why don't they make sure it happened and not make something up because you don't like a person. Accusations ruin people's lives.
I'm sorry if I started a conflict. I didn't set out to do that.
MR

sanmagic7 · December 13, 2017, 02:02:28 AM

mr, as far as i'm concerned, you didn't cross any lines with what you shared the other day. your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, etc., are all valid. that's all you shared. i'm just very sorry you have to go through all that pain and suffering on your own. i

'm glad you were able to write it out here. we need a place where we can get the poison out. it is poison, after all. toxic waste left over from atomic bombs of trauma. i mean, what we've been thru has been devastating to body and soul. i hope you continue to share, to be able to release it, and with that perhaps it will eventually feel like a cleansing is taking place.

i get what you're saying about what's going on in the media. i think that on one level it's horrifying to learn all this crapola has been happening, but, as you say, we've witnessed so many horrors that have happened to people here who have no place where their voice can be heard. and that's the shame of it all.

mr, know that you're not alone with all this. you are being heard, validated, and believed. it may not be thru press conferences and such, but your voice is strong here. i'm so very sorry you were hurt so that you can't even be comfortable with you. i do hope that as your recovery continues, you will be able to recover your 'self', including the knowledge that you deserve to enjoy food, that 'fat' is not a 4-letter word but was used as a weapon against you, and that your hands are clean and caring because they're yours.

sending a hug full of warmth, compassion, and love.

M.R. · December 13, 2017, 06:07:24 PM

Post 6: Trigger Warning Physical Abuse / Violence Ahead Jan 13, 2017

San, I read your post last night but didn't respond because I was out of words and I thought I'd be better today, but I'm not. All I have to say is, Thank you.

_________

As I was reading the posts from overnight this morning I came across a thread that really affected me because I could really relate. Instead of high jacking the thread I decided to post about it here.

The thread was talking about having feelings that something happened to them, but having no memory of it to fall back on. I have quite a few of those assumptions. And I call them assumptions just because I can't tell anyone a specific instant of it happening. I have no evidence just my gut.

Trigger Warning

One of these instances is feeling like I was choked. I have a terrible time with anything on the front of my neck. My hair, a shirt, a necklace etc. Right above my collarbone it feels like the thing is being pushed into my neck and it feels like my air way is closing and I panic. I have to constantly pull the collar of my shirts out away from my neck and sometimes I can't even have my hair down or even in a pony. I have to have it as far away from my neck as humanly possible. To go along with that, I am always blowing my nose because if I feel like I can't breathe I start to panic also. My nose has gotten so raw at times that I'll get nose bleeds. Which, as you can probably imagine, getting sick is terrible for me. I wear loose clothes when I'm sick to try and balance the fear I get from not being able to breathe through my nose.

Another instance is feeling like I witnessed someone dying/getting murdered in front of me when I was young. The concept of 'death' doesn't effect me, as sinister as that sounds. My feeling when anyone passes away is that it's a part of life and it just happens. But, at the same time I panic when I think about me dying. I start hypervenilating and I have thoughts of how much it hurts connecting to someone screaming. It's not me screaming, it's almost like I'm watching it happen to someone else in front of me. But it's really dark and fuzzy. I can't put the details correctly in the picture.

End Trigger Warning

I don't have a memory of either of these issues and it makes me feel like I'm crazy when I try to bring them up. I get asked if I have a certain memory and I never have had one. :/ They are real to my body, but I can't prove them.
MR

Blueberry · December 13, 2017, 11:04:02 PM

It sounds to me as if your body has memories which are not conscious in your mind. You are not alone in this. It's real, because you feel it. Trust your gut, trust your body. You are not crazy. As I think somebody pointed out on the other thread, we don't have to remember every detail in order to heal. Nor do we need to 'prove' anything. A therapist should be willing to work with you based on the symptoms.

I have been told by a number of Ts that our body has physical memories, so it's not just an idea that we CPTSDers talk about with each other, or anything. When we feel something viscerally, that's connected to these physical memories.

My body used to go numb and I'd get the shivers up and down my back with certain physical touching. That's gone now, healed. I still don't know what exactly was behind it. It could've been x or y or something of which I have absolutely no inkling. It doesn't matter. My body had a memory, the Ts realised that needed healing. End of story.