MelodieRose's Journal

[DecimalRocket]

It looks like there's a death you're numbing yourself emotionally of. Or maybe the possibility of death to yourself and others. Whatever it is, it sounds mindblowingly difficult. Death is something unknown and terrifying to others. It's the end of everything you valued and hated — and to disappear is really something to be horrified of when you might have gone close to it.

Take your time. You don't have to remember everything at once. Alright?

[M.R.]

Thank you Blueberry and Decimal.

My problem with that is that I've had false memories before where my mind just made an event up that never happened when I was younger. Granted it wasn't trauma related, but it still makes me question what I think I remember or feel. I have brought up the problem with breathing/choking with my t and she's told me that it doesn't necessarily mean I was put through that, it could be because I had no escape and that translated into feeling I can't breathe.

MR

[Hope66]

Hi MelodieRose,
I have read some of your Journal, and just wanted to say that I think it's great that you're sharing your thoughts, feelings and experiences, and I related to some things you said - I found the information you shared about the left hemisphere being affected by trauma - I often find that the left hand side of my head can hurt - almost like a migraine in intensity - especially if I'm thinking about things that I can't quite 'bring to mind' - and I also feel as if I''m choking - or at least feeling 'choked up' sometimes too.

I just wanted to wish you well with your Journal and say 'hello'. 

Hope 

[M.R.]

Hello Hope, and thank you.

I get a lot of headaches and that is one of the reasons that I figured something could be wrong. I tried to get it checked out but my primary Dr told me that its me causing the stress which is resulting in headaches and migraines.

MR

[ah]

Hi MelodieRose,

Re. #metoo, I feel exactly like you. I feel so many conflicting emotions about it, one of which is horror thinking "what if some abusers out there are cynically using this tool to ruin lives?" and I feel ill.

As for choking, I didn't read what you wrote about it, just skimmed because it's very triggering for me. I wanted to say I absolutely have all those physical sensations you mentioned - again if I got some details wrong I apologize, didn't read it all. But I can't stand wearing a scarf, or even the top of shirts always freak me out. Necklaces are not an option. Breathing, coughing, it all triggers my body. Anything that comes near my neck is physically painful. If I absentmindedly lean my hand on my neck I get freaked out (yeah, that feeling of being freaked out by your own hands... sigh). It isn't even emotional. It's physical.

So I don't know what the origin of your sensations is but I wouldn't be surprised if it's a physical experience your body remembers. Mine does. I wish I could get it to forget.

You're not alone.
And I think this journal is very courageous. (and didn't cross any lines at all as far as I'm concerned)

[Blueberry]

I have brought up the problem with breathing/choking with my t and she's told me that it doesn't necessarily mean I was put through that, it could be because I had no escape and that translated into feeling I can't breathe.

That's possible too.

I used to have nightmares of absolutely atrocious physical abuse that I could not have survived. Nobody could have. IMO the nightmares were giving me images for the emotional abuse which I could not put into words at all. I could only say / think: "There was terrible emotional abuse." So I'm thinking there is undoubtedly something behind what gets triggered about your neck. Something that traumatised you, something that seemed very threatening to you. So, no, you don't have to prove it, you don't have to remember exactly, you don't have to doubt yourself. There will be a reason, even if it's not the "most obvious" one. 

[M.R.]

Post 7                                                                                                                                                                                          Jan 15, 2017

Ah, I'm sorry that sounds horrible. I don't have the sensation from my own hands...for the most part. Sometimes I just 'can't' with my neck, but it's not always. :/ I don't know if it's physical or emotional, but whatever it is. I just hope I can get past it. There is quite a few cute pieces of jewelry that I would like to wear...sometime. And by the way, I'm sorry I didn't mean to trigger you. I hope that by skimming that it helped you. :/

Thank you Blueberry, I'm sure that there is something behind it. Just wish a knew. It'd be easier to work through it if I knew, but I guess in time.

____________

I haven't posted here in a few days because I have been in a funk...unable to get out of it...and I wanted to post something positive-ish at least. I've read through some of the other journals here and it's not always a complaint about how horrible their life is, and I didn't want to be the one that does that. But writing here helps me so, this funk is part of me right now and that's what the journals are here for. I'm not one to normally think this way (That's what the journals are for) but I've been listening to quite a bit of music and one song in particular got to me; (I'm Only) Human by Rag 'n' Bone Man. I have no idea who this artist is, but I really like the song. I'll try to find the lyrics and post them at the end of this post.

So, the funk. The funk really started for me during this last weekend while I was helping my grandparents out. I just didn't feel like it, my anxiety was already high and then having to deal with them plus a couple thousand people during three days just didn't end well for me. During the weekend I was exhausted and unenthusiastic. But Sunday night as we were finishing our dinner out (We ate dinner out Sat and Sun...more people. >.<), I just got really anxious. I wanted to finish up and just be home. I was far past being 'done'. So Sunday night when I got home I got very depressed and just quiet. I put my music in and isolated myself away from everyone and everything...and I haven't stopped. Monday I was really bad and it's gotten 'better' through the week but  still not good. If I had to rate it, I was a 9-10/10 on Monday and the rest of the week I've been an 8/10. So "better" but not "good". And it's not the self harm depression, it's more of the wanting to curl up in a ball in the middle of your bed and cry kind of depression.

I have an appointment with my T Tuesday which is good, so hopefully it gets better, but if not I only have a few more days. It's just a little worrisome because even when I did EMDR and processed tough memories I was only in a funk for 2 days...

But, on a positive note, I got quite a bit of cleaning done the past two days and will hopefully finish by Monday. I only have my laundry and the bathroom to do, but I'm just giving myself a few days and not pressuring myself. (:

MR

Human by Rag'n'Bone Man

I'm only human
I'm only, I'm only
I'm only human, human

Maybe I'm foolish
Maybe I'm blind
Thinking I can see through this
And see what's behind
Got no way to prove it
So maybe I'm blind
But I'm only human after all
I'm only human after all
Don't put your blame on me
Don't put your blame on me

Take a look in the mirror
And what do you see
Do you see it clearer
Or are you deceived
In what you believe
'Cause I'm only human after all
You're only human after all
Don't put the blame on me
Don't put your blame on me

Some people got the real problems
Some people out of luck
Some people think I can solve them
Lord heavens above
I'm only human after all
I'm only human after all
Don't put the blame on me
Don't put the blame on me

Don't ask my opinion
Don't ask me to lie
Then beg for forgiveness
For making you cry
Making you cry
'Cause I'm only human after all
I'm only human after all
Don't put your blame on me
Don't put the blame on me

Oh, some people got the real problems
Some people out of luck
Some people think I can solve them
Lord heavens above
I'm only human after all
I'm only human after all
Don't put the blame on me
Don't put the blame on me

I'm only human
I make mistakes
I'm only human
That's all it takes
To put the blame on me
Don't put the blame on me
I'm no prophet or Messiah
Should go looking somewhere higher
I'm only human after all
I'm only human after all
Don't put the blame on me
Don't put the blame on me

I'm only human
I do what I can
I'm just a man
I do what I can
Don't put the blame on me
Don't put your blame on me

[Three Roses]

 
Cleaning is an activity that helps me when I'm triggered. I can feel the sensation physically of clearing my area, of tidying things up, cleaning the dirt away. In that way I can physically experience my recovery.

Journals are for our individual expression. If you need a rant - I say go for it.

[DecimalRocket]

Hey Melodie, it must be tough to be so distressed and yet have to extend your energy in other situations in life.

That's a pretty interesting poem you've got there. I relate to it well — to remember we're human allows some respect and compassion to ourselves. Most of us want to be superheroes, but really, no one is. We're only super when we're in this together, right?

Well, take care, Melodie.

[M.R.]

Post 8 Negative Self Talk Trigger                                                                                                                                                         Jan 16, 2017

I thought I was doing better today. I wasn't super productive early, but I did end up finishing the cleaning that I wanted to do this weekend and that made me feel pretty good. In the afternoon though, I ended up getting paranoid that my father was never going to come back from the grocery store (he was only gone less than an hour) and so I decided to go and check to see if the truck was back in the garage. And it was. Then I did something that made my father feel uncomfortable (I pay really close attention to anything and everything and can tell what he does and when he does it :/); which started an argument. I got really upset and shut down. I starred off, not looking at him, not replying/answering, and if I'm honest, I dissociated. It was less than an hour ago and I couldn't replay the conversation in my own head if I wanted to. My mood ended up plummeting.

Then, when the argument ended, a conversation about Christmas started. My Great Aunt and Uncle that normally put on Christmas aren't doing so well so the family's been trying to figure out what we're going to do. And my father let me know that he's not going...because of many things but because I am unable to handle it. And as much as I don't want to admit it, he's right. I just can't this year. But I don't want him to miss out.

I've never had the option of not faking or not doing the best I could do to act normal. There were times as a child where I'd get out of the vehicle after how ever many minutes or hours of being abused and I'd have to act like none of it happened. It was like a switch that had to go off. And the fact that I can't do it makes me feel so utterly guilty. If I was just better, stronger, etc then I would be able to. If I didn't let everything little thing affect me...then I'd be able to. If I had better control over me...If I was smarter...It just goes on and on and on. But in reality I don't know what I'd 'need' to make me able to fake it for Christmas. I feel like I'm in a desert internally. No food, no water, no sleep; I have sand in my eyes and a hot sun beating down on me and I just can't.

MR

[ah]

Ah,
And by the way, I'm sorry I didn't mean to trigger you. I hope that by skimming that it helped you. :/

No problem, the thing that triggered me was my pesky brain, not you at all. 

As for that switch, that "on" / "off" and you feeling you can't turn off your self and your emotions anymore, I think that's actually a good thing. I think it's huge. If your brain felt as unsafe as it did in the past, it would still keep doing it.

I had that switch too for most of my life. I had to always put on a show even though I was abused just seconds before and after so I became very good at pretending with a blank expression, but the price I paid for it was really severe dissociation, self hatred, denial... all the things that kept me away from myself. I had to ignore myself or I couldn't flip that switch.

The more I try to get to know my feelings, I notice I find it harder and harder to fake. I have to find other ways, and to give myself permission to feel pain.
I think it can be a good sign, even though it can feel terrifying, like you're losing control after all these years of holding it together whereas now your pain demands to be seen.

[DecimalRocket]

Hey Melodie, it's alright. It's a natural reaction to trauma. People get really hurt and hard on themselves with abuse. We internalize the criticism and our shame to intense amounts.

I agree with Ah here that letting your emotions out may be a sign of improvement. Letting your pain out emotionally is like what for excretion in the toilet is like physically — as Pete Walker puts it. You need to let the toxins out after all. It's often the most intensely painful as these first come out, especially when you resist it, but it gradually grows feeling of stability in the long term.

. Just a suggestion and you don't need to try it — but usually what works for me here is asking myself what these emotions look like as a shape, a movement, a color, a smell, a sound or anything similar. It forces you to be aware of the nature of what you feel.

It'll take time, time, and more time. But OOTS will be here as you go through it.

Well, take care. 

[M.R.]

Post 9                                                                                                                                                                                                                       Jan 22, 2017

Thank you for the replies. Sorry I don't have more to say. Not really up to it.

___________

It feels like I've been fighting for my life since I've written here. Not physically, but emotionally. A few days ago I was thinking about how these diagnoses are going to be with me for the rest of my life and how I'm going to have to accept them like one would accept their eye color, hair, or body. It's a part of me. Of course I'm hoping that I'll grow and not be so dysfunctional but its still a part of me. I felt very upset about it, but then I remembered how ah's said that they like to label their emotions and then let themselves feel them. So, I stopped and asked myself what was I really feeling. Almost instantly it felt like, I was crying and I came up with emotions such as insecure, angry and sad. And then I cried like I haven't cried in seven or eight years.

When I was 13 or 14 I was very upset about something and I really missed my mom. At that point it had only been one or two years since she lost custody. I remember I was curled up in my bed, a teddie hugged tight to my abdomen, with my face in my pillow and I cried, then I screamed and then I cried some more. I cried out for her. For my mom. I was so lost in the world and so, so confused. The pain was unbearable. I felt like someone was ripping my heart out. And that's exactly what I felt like a few days ago. So lost and so hurt.

Ever since a few days ago I've been a crying mess. It hasn't helped that the people around me are thinking that me not being able to handle going to my family's Christmas celebration is some sort of controlling game. That I'm doing it purposely to keep my father away from his family. And that this is a way to get at my grandmother because she wanted all of her kids together for the holiday. It makes me feel very alone that as much as I try to express my guilt for not being capable of handling it, everyone still thinks that I'm playing a game. I want to scream out and say no, listen and then explain it all over again. But at the same time, it's just not worth it. I'm not going to change their minds.

And then, because I haven't been working and I ran out of money to help my (disabled) father with the bills, he's going to have to start shutting some of the extras off so that he has money for everything else. So, wireless is going to go in January. Wireless is what I use to use my laptop, and tablet. To research information, to be here on this forum, to stay connected with doctors. I feel like I'm losing my lifeline, but it's my fault. If I just forced myself to work, then we wouldn't be in the predicament because I'd be paying half like I was when I was working.
My therapist gave me a worksheet to keep track of my isolation...It's not going good so far. I feel so alone, yet I somehow feel like it's all my fault so to keep from hurting others I isolate which just makes me feel more alone. I hate all these cycles, but pretty soon I'll have to face them alone...again.

MR

[sanmagic7]

sweet m.r., my heart is with you.  i, too, rely on this computer and its connections for so much. 

you know, this whole trauma thing can be overwhelming all by itself.  then, put these holidays and peoples' expectations for them on top of that, well, sometimes it's too hard.  period.  too much.  and we become messy, crying messes, because there's nothing else we can do.

pooh on your relatives who think you're playing a game.  you're right - all the explanations in the world won't make them see you in your reality, won't make them listen and hear, and won't change a thing about them.  i hope you know that we believe you are not playing games, that you're weighed down right now and just trying to keep your head above water.  i'm glad your dad sees that, too. 

when you are able to, you'll go back to work.  in your time, at your pace.  unfortunately, we can't do everything we want to do or have everything we want to have, and it just plain ol' sucks.  having to leave my car behind when i moved was gut-wrenching for me.  it was the first time i was without my own transportation in 50 yrs., and it has always represented independence and freedom to me.  it's been a horrible adjustment to be without it, but, it's do-able.  just not the way i want it to be.

when you're ready, you'll be able to contribute like you did before and get your wireless back.  i truly believe it won't be forever.  hang tough, melodierose - we're hangin' right beside you.  big hug filled with strength and love to you.

[DecimalRocket]

It's okay not to reply. I've gotten that feeling of being too tired to reply to others too. Take care of yourself.

I remember having a similar situation when I was young. I was alone in my room with no one to care or listen to me, and I was in tears. I didn't even consider the idea of help — I didn't know it could be possible for someone like me.

But people are here now for you. At least you are. So I hope you go easy on yourself, Melodie.