Silvers Recovery Journal 1*TRIGGER WARNING!!!!*

[silver_lining]

Week 1 - Prolonged Exposure Therapy

These last few days have been so hard, and yet I feel like i'm really being to understand my triggers and how my maladaptive coping mechanisms actually manifest in my day to day life.
Ive recently, officially started my Prolonged Exposure Therapy (a week and a half ago to be exact). How it works is, I have to close my eyes and visual the event (I was brutally raped and had my virginity taken away from my "father")  and then I have to explain it as if its happening in the present moment. While my eyes are closed, my therapist is prompting me, and asking me questions, I also have to record our session and listen to it at home DAILY. This brought up things I have completely, and I mean completely disassociated with, so much pain, questions, & feelings i've never even allowed myself to feel and I mean fully feel before. The day I came home from my first session, which was last Monday, I was an absolute mess! I had full flown flashback, panic attacks, and passed out three different times throughout the night. The following day, the physiological effects started to happen. My "women parts" became bruised and severely swollen, I then began to develop bruises all over my body.

Of course I called my doctor and therapist, and she assured me that unfortunately, in some severe enough cases this can happen. I wasn't as prepared as I thought I was to take on talking about the rape, and then having to listen to it repeatedly really was a bit too much for me. My SO and I agreed it be best I spend a few days staying with grandmother, so I did, by the end of the week I came to an unfortunate but true epiphany, I CANNOT BE AROUND MY GRANDMOTHER AT ALL. Ive cut out all my family members except for her, and I realized, and have always known she triggers me and thats because she allowed the abuse to happen throughout my childhood. That in itself was a big realization  because for me, when I get triggered - my flight response kicks in - & I go see grandma, which always, and I mean always made things get worse.

Victory #1 - I solved one piece of the puzzle, what is familiar isn't always safe, and in my case that was my reality.

So the weekend comes, & my SO had a planned camping trip and went - well, that trip ended horribly, and people had to be air lifted out to a hospital,  a search and rescue team was even sent to find them. MY SO gets home, physically ok, hungry ad dehydrated, completely traumatized, and thats when I realized....

Victory #2 He's spent the last year trying to support me, support my emotions and all I ever learned to do was to pull away - or push away -  So, I see now how my dysfunctional family dynamic has shaped me, in terms in how I relate, think and interact with the world. This for me is key, because now I realize Ive spent so much time ruminating on the past pain, feeling guilt, toxic shame, and to be honest really hated myself and have been scared of everyone and everything.

I can see now that, thats a false reality I've been living in and need to realize, life is at this point is safe, I am ok, I am not defected, and I don't want to allow myself to feel so much guilt and shame for what happened to me many times over in childhood (I ended up calling Child Protective Services and getting myself removed from my "home" @ the age of 13 and went into foster care.) My Inner & Outer Critic have taken control of how I view the world, how I interact with the world and especially how Ive learned to show love and even how I react to receiving true authentic love which is the complete opposite of true unconditional love, which in my opinion every child should have in their childhood.
During the same day of SO being "gone" I found out that my "father" who raped me is dying of stage 4 lung cancer, smoking & drinking. So, not only am I officially confused, but i'm frantic trying to coordinate with the police and have them found, which fortunately they did!

The two next days after picking him up, he was traumatized himself, I realized I needed to be there to listen, care and love him like he's done so many times over for me, and not talk about me, about my new "developing issues" FOR ONCE! That I can tell you was really hard for me, because I started to realize through listening, being mindful and present what a lot of my triggers were/are.

Day 2 of SO being home, and trying to be supportive and not reactive, I exploded. Big time. NEVER in my life have ever attempted to hurt myself, or kill myself, and that night I did. I wrapped a cord around my neck and tried to saphocate myself, my SO then broke into the bathroom  and found me laying unconticous lying on the floor, he immediately  me admitted me to the hospital for a PSYCH eval for 5150. Reasonably so, but by the time we got there, I knew it was just an extreme flashback, I was emotionally flooded, and new I made a mistake acting on the thoughts I get whenever I have a full blown flashback/panic attack. As the night progressed, and a series of events "happened" due to my emotional hijacking.

Realization #3 - During these kinds of flashbacks, I literally become 12 year old me again. So, I begin to think and interact basically like, a defiant child, which I find interesting, and its also answered so many questions I've had in regards some on my tendencies during these moments.
I went through the whole psych eval and was sent home because the Psychologist agreed that it was a combination of not only just beginning to start this pretty intensive therapy, but also situational events taking place in the days leading to my risky and potentially deadly behavior.
Yesterday I think I fully began to realize me, myself and what Ive been perpetually subjecting myself to, which i internal abuse.

This is my first journal, and its getting late so I'll stop here.
My apologies if my post doesn't make much sense, I really just wanted to begin to document my thoughts and lessons through this process.

Happy to be apart of such a supportive relatable community,
Silver

[sanmagic7]

silver, i can't tell you how glad i am that you made it thru this week intact, both physically and mentally.  my heart and soul, aside from your victorious realizations, the rest of it sounds terribly, terribly stressful.  i can see how you'd be overwhelmed.

are you sure that type of therapy is the way to go?  repeatedly having to flood yourself with remembered trauma sounds dangerous to me.  i surely couldn't do that.  i need to process memories with some time and a break in between.  i hope your t knows what s/he is doing.  i don't mean to sound harsh, just giving you some honest feedback.  if you don't want it, you're absolutely welcome to ignore it.  i'm not the therapist working with you.

i'm very glad your so made it home safely.  that's an awful lot for one week.  i do hope you can rest a bit, take care of yourself, and be caring, as well, for your so.  even that sounds like a lot to me.  it's ok to take this stuff slowly, small steps.  it can be so easily overwhelming.  sending you a hug filled with care and concern.  i'm really glad you're both safe.

[silver_lining]

Hi Sanmagic,
I really appreciate the moral support and advice. I certainly agree with the overwhelming-constant flooding of re experiencing, but unfortunately, thats the whole point of this kind of therapy... Its SO intensive that as time progresses, it wont be as "traumatizing" and I will be able to manage my condition better due to less triggers. To be honest with you, I feel like this is the only way I am going to overcome my vicious childhood, straight on, because I dissassosiated my whole teenage years and its time for me to face my reality, and get over my trauma so I do not have to live life feeling so much toxic shame, guilt, and fear.

Thank you for the hug ! sending one right back at you, its really nice to be apart of such a supportive and awesome community of people whole can relate, or give perspective, or just a cyber shoulder to "cry" on.

Thanks again sanmagic7

[silver_lining]

Recovery Journal Entry #2

As I let out a huge sigh of relief, I sit here and wonder what I want to write about.
Today marks two weeks into starting my P.E Therapy- & I'm alive, i'm ok. Wait..... talking about it hasn't killed me!?
Well, I had my fair share of physiological effects during the first week as I previously posted about. But, here I am, and I'm ok.That in of itself showed me how "irrational" my rational fear really was. Of course it a scary topic to have to relive and visit, but in the present moment, the here and now, I guess i'm learning it's safer then I thought.
I spend the day using my observing mind, observing my own thoughts, observing my outside triggers, as well as my inner triggers and what I realized, (ALL OF/MOST OF) my fear comes completely from within me.
Sure I knew that, but I didn't REALLY understand the complexity of my own beliefs.

GTG for now, but wanted to get these thoughts out.
always, Silver

[sanmagic7]

i'm really glad you're finding some safety for yourself.  i think that's great. 

your explanation makes more sense to me, so thanks for that.  i've just continually heard about going slow, small steps, etc., so this type of therapy seemed very much the opposite.  as long as it works for you, i'm all for it.  we all come at this beast in different ways.  it's interesting to hear how you're managing it.

big hug, silver. 

[Three Roses]

I was horrified to read about your experiences so far. Your body really let you know how it felt about reliving your trauma! There's no mistaking that.

Have you read The Body Keeps The Score?

[woodsgnome]

As I was reading this I was drawn to some vivid memories of last fall, when I too had a dangerous reaction to what was some hard therapy but found a way to, as you say, be okay. It probably sounds silly to those who haven't traveled these roads through *, but they're two of the sweetest words I've ever found. Rivaled only by the followup: I truly am okay, always.

It might not be easy, but now it's a matter of filtering out the doubts which will naturally try to do the no-you're-not-okay dance. It was hard to read your post, just like therapy can sometimes be. But, as you shared so eloquently, you're okay. To which I'll only add--you're way more than okay.

[silver_lining]

I'm going to take some time in the near future to respond to everyones post, but for now, Thank you, each and everyone for you support and perspective!

Before getting to my prolonged exposure therapy's 2nd week of treatment I want to talk about a stride I made this weekend. I don't want to get into the details, but a very dangerous situation took place this weekend and my hippa&amygdala were actually able to work! I was in a situation where, real eminent danger was potential, and I was able to act accordingly, not freeze, or go in to a complete emotional flASHBACK making me unable to function. I was able to get the proper adrenaline, proper flight response to take care of the situation accordingly and that for me, was a huge stride!
I've been scared because of my disregulation that in a real life threatening situation, I wouldn't be able to act accordingly, and I was able to! It made me feel more trust in myself, and thats a nice feeling I am really feeling grateful for.

P.E #2

Draining today, but not completely debilitating.
That for me says a lot more then anything, I can handle facing my fears of dealing with my rape. It isn't easy, but its do able and thats what really counts at this point.
I'm proud of myself for that.

Keeping it short today,
Always,
Silver

[DecimalRocket]

 

[Three Roses]

  

[silver_lining]

Retrospectively, I thought getting an official diagnosis, starting therapy & proper meds would "magically" solve my problems   (well, not magically but make things easier, & more manageable.) I realize now, that was very naive of me. Working through recovery, takes time, work, mindfulness and for me, it means removing my insecure ego and facing my reality.
And its hard for me to constantly remain mindful and not let my inner critic and toxic shame rule my life. Which is really what I struggle with on a daily basis. Like Pete Walker says, "Recovery is two steps forward and one step backwards."
I've come to see this manifest in how i've come to understand on one hand logically, about my inner critic and toxic shame, ad even came to the realization,that  I could thought stop,or thought correct,that I wouldn't allow my "self" perception to abuse myself - or my false beliefs rule me and how I interact with the world, and myself.
But then, something happened, I got triggered, went into a flashback - and basically "forgot" how to implement those tools - or it's like I forgot/lost the part of me (adult me) that had the strength to believe in myself. Instead i've declined in the kind of person "I was" before having all my repressed feelings come forward. I had goals, worked, functioned, confidence, belief in my ability to succeed, was healthy, took care of myself and needs. Now, I am consumed with fear, guilt, toxic shame, and view the world completely differently. I don't take care of myself like once did, I am not able to control my emotions, and have become completely closed off in my relationship dynamic.

Having these feeling remerge has brought me fear, and I'm using maladaptive coping mechanisms to cope. I wanted to succeed, and do something great with my life, and believed I could do just that. Now, my inner tells me differently, I "couldn't" succeed, I'm not lovable or worthy in my head anymore.
I'm trying to remember the proactive, mindful adult part of me that wasn't afraid of life - that was able to get knocked down and then get right back up - & find a solution.
I really wish could just go back - or wake up in the morning and be that person, the part of me that lived in the dark, repressed my childhood emotional pain, and "was completely fine, good, & even happy".

Doing the work though, and actually facing these oppressed emotions has brought me back to, thinking like a scared child, literally. Its effecting all domains of my life.

Right now, I have to keep telling myself that I am strong enough to get through facing these past events and memories. I want to be able to give myself self compassion, and self love again. But all I have been feeling is, disgust. & treating myself as such too.
I want to move forward, and believe In myself. I want to get back on a regular sleep schedule, start to take care of my body, eat healthier, exercise, and I especially stop with the excessive self medicating,
I'm going to begin to actually start to implement the plan I;ve creating towards becoming more proactive, and having more will power and belief in myself.
Recovery is a hard process, and the way I'm handling it is only making my circumstances much harder.
It's time for me to wake up and realize, I can do this, it is going to be hard, but I don't and won't abuse myself in process and ruin my life while I'm at it.

I'm letting out a huge sign of relief writing this,
Silver

[DecimalRocket]

 

Silver, it is really hard to accept yourself. It's hard for a regular human being and even harder for someone with a trauma. But I suggest that you look at the small wins — the subtle improvements and it would be easier to believe in yourself.

Take care.

[sanmagic7]

silver, your courage is shining thru.  i hope you can remember that as you go thru this.

i totally 'get' that feeling of going backwards while in recovery.  i think most of us do.  unfortunately, recovery of any kind isn't a straight line, altho we sure would like to think so.  instead, it is a movement forward, a movement back, gather ourselves once again, and another movement forward.

i like to believe that as long as we keep moving, we're going to get to our goals.   you're certainly not alone in this - we're moving right beside you.  sending you a hug filled with clarity and patience.

[silver_lining]

silver, your courage is shining thru.  i hope you can remember that as you go thru this.

i totally 'get' that feeling of going backwards while in recovery.  i think most of us do.  unfortunately, recovery of any kind isn't a straight line, altho we sure would like to think so.  instead, it is a movement forward, a movement back, gather ourselves once again, and another movement forward.

i like to believe that as long as we keep moving, we're going to get to our goals.   you're certainly not alone in this - we're moving right beside you.  sending you a hug filled with clarity and patience.

HI Sanmagic,
I appreciate the validation and community your giving me in your response to my post.
& I feel You're right, I'm sure that all of us,humans, go through some sort of existential crisis, and I also feel you're right having trauma on top of that, just compounds the effects, doubt, guilt denial...and so on.

Thank you again for saying that my courage is shining through, its really made me feel a little bit more at peace with this process. Knowing, I'm not alone, others are going through what I'm going through but on a spectrum, is.... comforting.

I know, with time, persistence, and proactive mindfulness I will be able to over come the toxic shame I feel inside, But that its self is going to take time, persistence, and courage like you mentioned... & lately I've been having a tendency to syke myself out.

You've given me some perspective to think about, and for that, I'm truly grateful.

Sending you a hug filled with the same,
Silver.

[silver_lining]

Sign.... Boy, have I been absolutely mind **** today.

I have such polar feelings right now. The only person from my FOO that I have kept in contact with was my grandmother. Today, was the day I realized where & how generational my FOO F***** up dynamics came from. I have always gone to my grandmother for support, advice, family, belonging, & even throughout foster care she was there, "as sweet, and loving as can be."

You see, since my diagnosis, and me beginning to realize the effects/boundaries she has had on everyone, including me, her denial of my childhood abuse,  she would say things like, "You just can't be alone with him." Referring to my brother who... you get my point. I grew up to be conditioned to think that, that was ok behavior?
But, I knew her saying that was wrong, I knew deep down her denial was wrong, but I dismissed it because she was "the only family I had left."

Over the last year Ive come to see the effects her denial/delusion has had on me growing up, and even now through my recovery process. I see the master manipulation in her, I see the benevolent grandmother Bull stuff* she has portrayed all my life, and the benevolent sweet, kind person she's portrayed throughout her whole life.

Last week on Halloween, I called her, having one of my intense flashback/panic attacks, because, she used to be "helpful" in calming me down. Now, I have specifically asked her on many occasions, to respect my boundaries and to not talk about my FOO - specifically my father, especially now since I'm just beginning my intensive P.E therapy. The phone rings, she answers, "Hey! I was hoping you'd call me..." she then, hears me crying on the other end of the phone, and goes on to say, "Aww honey, i'm sorry your not feeling too well, wanna hear a story to get your mind off it?" I tried my best to mumble out a, "suure" She then said, " you're dad died." I cried harder, louder, and then told her, Of all times - if any - this was not the time to mention something like that so casually too & on top of thatknowing the state i'm in. That was so wrong, and for so many reasons."

I hung up the phone, and cried. But I wasn't in my flashback anymore, I was mourning, or grieving, feeling really confused at the same time...
I found out today, she lied - he didn't die - but does have stage four throat cancer - Which, She blurted out the week before, during the same situation, me calling her during flashback.  I also found out she has been cashing my checks that have been going to her house for the last few months and telling me - they've never been received - me going through the process of having to figure out - where, when, who has been cashing them to find out - HELLO - - -  RED FLAGS HAVE BEEN EVERYWHERE - It was her, my grandmother.

I'm sadden and enraged. She has manipulated me my whole life, and I thought she was "the only one there for me" as a child, and now as a young adult.
The polar to this though, is now, I'm seeing the dysfunctional dynamics that I was conditioned to, seeing how those have shaped me, and am now able to better discern right from wrong,  see the dysfunction, and know better. I will not allow myself to continue the dysfunctional dynamics generationally passed down to my father, my brothers, but not me. I know & am still learning healthy boundaries,to love myself, and care for others, openly and honestly.

Its a cluster **** for me to even comprehend the mental mind games, I some how, couldn't see until now. But this experience, has brought me closer to understanding, and accepting, myself, my past and moving forward a little easier. While at the same time, I am grieving the fact that I have to cut contact with her, for good, just as I have everyone else. I am sad at the same time.

This whole process for me has truly been a growing, and learning process that I feel I needed/ was nessesary for me to finally see the reality - for me to finally be ok, with me, at least a little bit or a whole lot more as is.
Dads dead, didn't get to say XYZ about raping, dads dead - Im sadden - Dads not dead, alive or not, I don't care - Somehow this experience, him being dead, or not dead whatever has made me realize all the shame, guilt, disgust, my toxic inner critic, was in my opinion, pointless. Why am I allowing myself - to suffer?
I know I will still have flashbacks, and get triggered from time to time - But, I also know and feel much more comfortable  just being me, for the first time in my whole life.

I don't know If i was able to convey this and any one even understand what I meant by all of this, but for me, It's been a huge release, and process.
Always,
Silver