Silvers Recovery Journal 1*TRIGGER WARNING!!!!*

[Three Roses]

 

[sanmagic7]

wow!  what a revelation for you, silver.  i'm sad and glad for you at the same time.  in the long run, tho, to come out from behind that curtain of not being aware i believe is a very good thing. 

i think that was a pretty rotten thing for her to say to you, then follow it up as if it was just a joke.  on the other hand, sometimes that's what it takes to open our eyes.  it's so hard to believe someone we depended on is really a wolf in sheep's clothing.

still, i'm more glad for you that everything's out in the open now.   i agree that it seems this will make your moving forward easier.  sending you a hug filled with well wishes and love.

[silver_lining]

wow!  what a revelation for you, silver.  i'm sad and glad for you at the same time.  in the long run, tho, to come out from behind that curtain of not being aware i believe is a very good thing. 

i think that was a pretty rotten thing for her to say to you, then follow it up as if it was just a joke.  on the other hand, sometimes that's what it takes to open our eyes.  it's so hard to believe someone we depended on is really a wolf in sheep's clothing.

still, i'm more glad for you that everything's out in the open now.   i agree that it seems this will make your moving forward easier.  sending you a hug filled with well wishes and love.

Thanks San! You're support and validation has been so supportive  & I  really appreciate you taking the time to read through my journal, and continue to give me words of encouragement! I couldn't agree with you more, unfortunate, definitely, fortunate I found out and can now see through the deception and look at life, at least my life through a new perspective.

& That goes for everyone, and anyone who's taken the time and read through my experiences through my recovery, I appreciate it - I see we can all learn in some way from one another. Though, all our experiences and lives are different now, we all have something thats brought us together. Which is unfortunate, but so glad to be apart of a community of such beautiful &or handsome, strong individuals, connecting at all stages of life. Its really neat to be able to express myself, and read others experiences /struggles/daily living and be able to resonate with & or understand in some way shape or another.

Thats all for now,
Silver 

[silver_lining]

I'm not proud of what i'm about to post in my recovery journal, but am going todo it anyways. To be honest and authentic..
Nov 8th I posted about a series of events.. Later that night, I made the conscious choice to buy some cocaine. I have been dabbling in it, here and there, and tonight got "caught" by my SO -
So many emotions - guilt, shame, fear, anger, sadness, its all here. I know in some respect its rational but possibly at the same time irrational?
I used to use hard "recreational" drugs as a youth, and was completely sober form any substances for four years. Last year, started drinking a little bit, smoking weed, and dabbling in "therapeutic" drugs (That, IMO has given me deep insight and perspective to myself,past, & present). I never started to do "hard" drugs on my own at my own will. Yes, there have been time where its been available and I've said yes to taking lines, here and there throughout this process. But, I had a philosophy of only doing theraputic drugs, or smoking weed or things like that - manageable.
Nov 8th comes - I made the irrational, but matriculated choice in getting and buying the cocaine.
My SO "caught" me a few hours ago.

I feel awful, about lying. I really feel horrible about it. In my  mind I rationalized his predicament, knowing he's not ok wit hame doing hard drugs on mown, and took it upon myself to consciously lie (by not telling him) and consciously doing the drugs, and hiding them.

As I sit here an reflect on this situation, as I have for many others, in different domains aside from drugs.. I've come to feeling that, my emotional, maladaptive ways of being is just complete chaos. I create so much disfunction, knowing, logically its wrong, and have done the opposite on so many occasions, so many times over. How can I not learn - or learn, then unlearn, then learn and unlearn again. I don't get it. But I get it at the same time, I understand emotional brain vs. rational brain. I get emotional hijacking, but its there character part I'm struggling with more. Rationally, I'm a kind, honest, human being.. or at least that what I want to be. But emotional I'm a F******* ticking bomb just waiting for dysfunction 12-15 y/o me to come out and be rambunctious, and careless and reckless, and bad. Just bad to be honest.

I am not in the clearest state of mind but want to get this out so I can reflect on my emotional state, and also be honest with myself and this community which helps with my growth too.

Thanks,
Silver

[DecimalRocket]

SIlver, recovery is hard. Sometimes you get worse and sometimes you get better. What's important is that you tried your best even if it doesn't end well. Then hopefully, you improve in the long term.

Take care, Silver. 

[silver_lining]

I couldn't agree more Rocket, and appreciate your input. I've got to keep pushing forward.

Silver

[sanmagic7]

i appreciate your honesty, silver, and can only guess at how difficult that must have been.

when we're  raised in chaos, it's what we know, what we become comfy with.  often, we'll create that chaos because we are feeling distressed, disturbed, or uneasy without it.  this can happen even when we're beginning recovery.

i believe that as you continue recovering, you'll discover the reasons that chaos and sabotaging relationships (cuz that's what it seems like you were doing here) are so difficult to understand and to stop.  keep going, silver.  i have no doubt you'll get there.  standing with you - i'm on your side.   big hug to you.

[silver_lining]

Hello Everyone!
Ive had my PE therapy this week, and did go through my intense EF the following day, Tuesday, but was better able to come out and control myself. I think this is probably due to three factors, one being the therapy is working two I'm trying to implement better more healthier coping mechanisms , and three - I haven't been using substances daily to "Deal" . That for me, has been tough just because I have the urge to smoke weed, and relieve my stressors as soon as I awaken, but I am now I'm holding my ground. Trying to control my impulses and not act impulsively based on my "irrational" emotions.
I think the last few weeks of experiences have brought me to a point where, I see the dysfunction I can create, I see the power and role I play in my life's dynamics, specifically my toxic inner critic, which is Toxic and to be quite frank a real trouble maker.

I think you make a very good point San, what is familiar is something I go back to in my EF's - which is self sabotaging as well as relationship sabotaging behavior all together. Which come from a deep belief my inner critic/myself hold - I think some where I think things can't or won't ever be ok -So I act impulsively on these beliefs, and have come to  point where I see the irrational in all of this. Thank you! Big hug to you too!

Always,
Silver 

[DecimalRocket]

That's pretty great progress Silver.

Awareness is something that is tricky. We know what we know but it's harder to know what we don't know. To be able to penetrate into a mystery is something that is enlightening.

People sometimes read or hear advice. They see and hear the ideas in their mind but they don't know how it applies it to their life. To be able to connect the abstract of ideas into the concreteness of your own life is a gift.

Awareness is the beggining of all kinds of progress. Emotional improvement, motivation and a more ease into what's going on.

[silver_lining]

Hellllo everyone 
Today I'm finally decided to update my recovery journal as i've had ALOT going on lately and its been a doubled sword, I'm learning from these experiences but they've been hard, and very tasking and draining.
Last week I had an array of dissociated episodes, that I can;t remember, but know I was acting out like an angry, teenager...I even hurt my SO. Through taking some time to process, I realize now, I was flashing back and having a dissociated episode back to around the first time I got raped. So I acted and reacted in that manor, scared, and using anger as a secondary emotion to convey what I was feeling. I hate that this has happened and can happen again in the future, because it scares me. It scary not knowing when/if under TOO much pressure, i'll have an episode? Explode? Hurt people? Be mean!? These are things that are not in my character at all, if I'm triggered yes, I withdrawal, but thats the severity of the extent its gotten to, not last weeks events.
I'm trying to be forgiving and give myself compassion and understand that, I was under a lot of chaos, and due to that I dissociated. Not proud, but trying to be a friend to myself so I can move forward.
All along, I thought I was really working toward my recovery, when I realize I kind of was, but really wasn't applying to logistics, and coping mechanisms properly when triggered. When triggered, I usually have tendency to revert back to old ways of being, communicating, feeling and not "trying" to pull myself out, and try to get out of the state that Ive been in.
I see now the power my thoughts, the power my "beliefs" about myself have on how I, interact, react, or even don't act because of fear, doubt and anxiety. Seeing this, is powerful for me, because it gives me the strength to want to do better for myself, for my life.
I started a new group today, called a "Skills" class. we meet by weekly, and it a DBT skills class. So far, so good. I love the class because the skills being taught are so applicable, to me, and I believe really anyone would benefit form understand skills to better regulate our emotions, & thoughts. So thats  for me

I appreciate everyone who took the time to respond to my post under dissociation, It's really made me feel not so alone, and more normal, given the circumstances.

Thats all for now,
Always,
Silver

[sanmagic7]

silver, your courage and strength at looking at your 'self', how it's reacting, the behaviors you want to change - all this stuff is remarkable.  to me, it shows progress of the best kind.  you're willing to be honest and look inward.  that's difficult.  yet, you're doing it.  kudos to you.

i can only applaud you       for wanting your recovery enough that you're willing to search and discover what's going on, where it's from, and what you need to do to eliminate it. that is marvelous.  well done, and a warm, loving hug to you. 

[DecimalRocket]

 

I agree with San. Your courage to try to be accepting to yourself is really something. It can be really difficult to be forgiving of ourselves after so much hurt and pain. Especially with the symptoms of how you can badly treat yourself and others.

Take care, Silver.

[silver_lining]

(MODERATOR NOTE - This post contains detailed descriptions of DV, discussion of SI, and involuntary events.)

I'm not sure if I should post this in my recovery journal - because - its a complicated situation -


The only silver lining that came from this experience is the doctors found irregular thyroid problems, and I got a call they found something serious and i'll be having a appointment to meet with the endocrinologist soon - Which I see as a good thing, because third cancer runs in my family, and irregular thryiod hormones can cause mood disregulation, irritability, fatigue, weight loss, digestive issues, and a whole lot of others things. So, If I do have an imbalance and/or its cancer, its treatable, and may help regulate me a LITTLE bit more. Because, reality is, I still have trauma, but maybe it'd make it easier being regulated.

I woke up this morning in absolute pain, figured i'd update my recovery...
Not sure where to go or really what to do form here, jus tank I never want end up in a place like that EVER EVER EVER AGAIN.

Thanks for whoever takes the time to read my post.
Always,
Silver

[DecimalRocket]

Silver, that is shocking to hear. For someone to harm you like that and lie about something so serious. It sounds like life is turning into chaos there. Physical and emotional abuse. A fake suicide overdose. A possible disease. All with previous traumas in mind.

I hope you can find some solace here. Maybe visit the Healing Porch at least? Though — I don't think that could solve everything. I wish I can give some advice, but I don't really know about this stuff. All I can do is listen and tell you we're here.

I'm wishing you the best, Silver.

[silver_lining]

Thanks Decimal,
Barely holding on, but holding on I am.