Sceal's Journal

[Sceal]

At group yesterday the group leader announced she's not coming back after Christmas.
We're getting a new one.
I didn't react so good to that. I felt uneasy, unsafe and sad. I tried to keep it in, but eventually I left for the toilet. I don't know how long I was there, but the other group-therapist came after me. And I just couldn't stop the tears. I didn't feel ashamed of my sadness. But confused. It's not like the group leader was my individual psychologist.
And if she had been a friend who were going to move across country, I wouldn't have cried.
But I did.

I had a hard time putting thoughts and emotions into words. And I talked to the group leader during break, but I couldn't tell her how much her support has meant to me. I'm still a little sad thinking about it. And I will be unsafe when group starts up again. But there's nothing I can do about it. So I just got to accept it.

[DecimalRocket]

Sometimes I get that disappointment over the loss of words too. I have a hard time showing gratitude sometimes as i do with many other emotions.

It doesn't matter if your group leader wasn't a psychologist. Feelings are subjective, and there's much more emotional complexity of who's valuable to you than their defined roles in society.

Take care, Sceal. I hope you be more patient to yourself. You're so hard on yourself. You really need to take a break. 

[Sceal]

Thank you Rocket
It is really frustrating to not be able to talk to people. I can talk to them fine when they aren't actually present. When I have imaginary conversations with them. Words can flow then. But when they are present, I just... I try. And sometimes I manage a little, but not enough. In DBT now we're doing the thing I find the most difficult. Relations with others. The homework until after Chirstmas is to write down a manuscript or two for a message or conversation that we find difficult to have.
I can write it down, but I am not able to actually say it out loud. It frustrates me so much.

The group leader is a psychologist, but she's not my individual psychologist. I am sorry I wrote that in a confusing manner. I just tend to connect a little too much sometimes with others.

I didn't realise I came across as hard on myself. I've been thinking I've been lax and lazy, and that I need to pull myself together.

[sanmagic7]

dear sceal,

that conversation stuff comes with practice.  and, i think that's where the patience with yourself comes in - you're just beginning to practice putting feelings and emotions, thoughts and opinions into words.  but, little by little, you're doing it.  you're taking steps, and every step, no matter how small, counts.

i hope your new group leader will show themselves to be kind, caring, and gentle so that you can continue having a good group experience.  best to you with your assignment.  if you can even get a few words out, it will still be progress.  actually, i think that bringing it to the next group is progress - and whatever comes out of that will be the cherry on the cake.

i agree with d.r. that our feelings/connections with people are valuable in a personal way.   you have been able to move forward in your recovery with the present group leader , and that's very emotional progress.  it makes sense to me that you would have strong emotions with the news that she's leaving.

i believe you'll be ok.  your strength is growing.  big hug.

[Blueberry]

 

[Sceal]

I am just crying right now.
I don't know how to do this. The days where I just have to get through the day, those days I can handle. Even if they suck, and are as painful as *. I can still handle it. But this, the insecurity, the lack of control of my own life. Having my life hanging on a thread at the desicions of others... That is a different kind of *. And it reminds me too much of the times when I haven't been allowed to control what happens to my body.

I don't think I can tell my T that.

[Three Roses]

 Fighting a headache but wanted you to know I hear you 

[sanmagic7]

it will come to you when you need it to.  just make it thru today, one step at a time, sceal.  right there next to you - you're not alone.  maybe a visit to the healing porch may help.  i'll see you there - i can use some time for myself, too.  big hug.

[Blueberry]

Standing with you Sceal     

[Sceal]

Thank you guys. Really, I mean it!
Especially as I'm in a place where I can offer very little in return other than my profound gratitude and warm thoughts your individual ways.

[Blueberry]

Thank you guys. Really, I mean it!
my profound gratitude and warm thoughts your individual ways.

That means a lot to me. 

[sanmagic7]

glowing with those warm thoughts.  love it, love you.

[DecimalRocket]

I'm stepping right here with you too, Sceal. 

[Sceal]

You're warming my heart you guys. Thanks, and a thousand thanks!

---
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, that's when we celebrate here. There might be some family gatherings in the following days. But for me, I doubt it for this year.
I like the premise of Christmas. The ideal of it. But it's felt fake and difficult for me for years. Winter time was always very diffictult for me, and most of my hospitalizations have been around this time. Although, I can't really explain why. Maybe some surpressed memories.

My therapist mentioned that she and I should spend time infront of the mirror. I didn't want to. I didn't see the purpose. The purpose was a way to diminish, or start easing down the shame. I've taken her words with me though. I really do need to find a way to ease the amount of shame I feel. So I've started standing infront of the mirror for 5 minutes. Just looking at me.
So far, I can't say I like it. But I'll do it until I next see her, which is on the 9th of January. Maybe by then I've learned something, or discovered something. Hopefully that'll be the result and not an increase in self-loathing.

I am going to try and take a hard look at myself. Try to be really honest with myself, and not downplay it, or make excuses. Just really dig for the emotions and see what comes out. I'm hoping I'll be able to do this. But I'm worried I wont come up with anything.

But that'll have to wait until Monday. Tomorrow is a day full of stuff. I have to finish the dessert and somehow get in a bit of an workout, and a short study session before i get picked up at around noon. Dinner wont be until much later, but I am sure I can find something to do. I'm spending the night so I'm going to bring a book and my sketch/notebook anyway. I hope my M wont be annoying and full of harsh and passive agressive comments and wanting me to take sides. That is my fear this celebration.

Anyway, I just really want to wish you all a very good and merry Christmas whichever way you're spending the holiday.
Do something nice for yourselves, it's been a long and hard year for the most of us. Treat yourself a little.
Warm hugs from me! 

[Blueberry]

Merry Christmas to you too Sceal! I hope you can take care of yourself well, if M starts passive-aggressive remarks. Maybe think about how to Medium Chill it, before you go! See: http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill for more information. You treat yourself too! You've had a long hard year as well. 

I'm also in a country where the main celebration is on christmas Eve, but FOO isn't here. I'll be going to a celebration for people who'd otherwise be alone.