Sceal's Journal

[AphoticAtramentous]

Today, I want nothing. It's all grey, dull and without much to rejoice over. I'll sharpen up again, I know. But I just... I dunno.

I understand. Hope it passes soon, Sceal.

[sanmagic7]

i'm glad you know that the dullness will go, and you will be sharp again, sceal.   sometimes that's all we can know, but i think it's a lot.  big hug.

[Sceal]

Thank you both. Big hugs!

[Sceal]

I logged into the student web and withdrew from examination in one of the subjects today. I can still attend the lectures, but I wont today. I feel fragile, and lost in that subject. I haven't even opened the books. Next fall, I'll do it then.

I have to go out later today, I'm going to the gym with my support person. It'll do me good to excersise. I've eaten too much crap. And I got two birthday parties coming up this week. Then it wont be cake until my birthday, which is in a month. Mandatory cake. If I could, I'd flee the country.

I don't want to be locked up here at home. And I don't want to go out. I feel trapped within myself. I have no focus, and my friend visiting yesterday kept complaining that I was absent and dissociative and that I couldn't sit still. I'd like to sleep. Or rather, I'd like to really be productive. To be done with all these annoying symptoms that gets in the way of life.

[sanmagic7]

they are annoying, and they suck.  we can only do what we can, and it sounds like that's exactly what you're doing.  one of the things i've learned thru all this is patience - with myself and with the process.  you'll get there.  loving, warm hug for you.

[Sceal]

I hope you're right, Sanmagic. I just don't see it right now.
Big hug back!

[Sceal]

I was talking with my ex and roomie last night.
We were starting to fight, but it ended up in a long conversation. He is stuck in a rut, but he's not doing anything about it. He doesn't know what to do.
I tried to tell him seeking help is not something to be ashamed of. It's not a weakness.
He hates his job, but without education or sufficient language skills he doesn't have a high chance of getting a better job. He hates his weight. He doesn't know if he wants to stay in this country or move back to his family. He still resents me for breaking up with him 2 years ago. I suppose it's not easy still living with your ex when you still resent them.

I wish I could tell him everything. I wish I could feel I could talk to him. But I don't want to lay all my problems over on him, and I need to keep a distance so that the boundaries are still clear. For both of us.

But it hurts. It hurt to know that he still resents me. It hurt to know he feels he cannot say no to me. Eventhough I prefer him to say no if he can't or doesn't want to do whatever it is I am asking (it's mostly household tasks). I felt awful that he told me, because I started crying. I'm still crying. He is the sweetest man I've ever met - we're just not compatible. I am not strong enough to care for him, and I have no physical attraction to him. though in fairness I have no physical attraction to anyone - and I haven't had for years. I wish we could both feel at home where we live. I wish we could afford to both move on.

There's so much else I'd want to get off my chest on this topic... but I just.. I don't have the words. it gets so messy.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Deary me, you still with your ex? I can't imagine how that would be. :S I hope it wasn't a 'bad' relationship or ended sourly or anything...
You're right though, seeking help is not something to be ashamed of.

Hope everything is going alright with you, Sceal.  ^^
I just wanted to randomly express that I really enjoy your presence here, and I find I'm always looking out for your posts and reading them and generally wishing you well all the time. I admire you so much honestly. You do so much, achieve so much, though you may not feel that way. Even just going to the therapy groups and what not, studying and attending lectures, I just can't help but feel impressed by your ability to do all that. I swear if I tried all that I would break down in the first few days. >.>

[Sceal]

Deary me, you still with your ex? I can't imagine how that would be. :S I hope it wasn't a 'bad' relationship or ended sourly or anything...
You're right though, seeking help is not something to be ashamed of.

It was a long drawn out painful breakup. But it's 2 years ago now. We are still friends, although at times rocky. It was hard in the beginning. I knew he was hurting so badly, and I knew it was my fault. I just couldn't love him the way he deserves. Or give him what normal, healthy men wants in a relationship. We had been distant for over a year before I broke it off. I still love him, but more as a brother. I talked to his mom today (THE most selfless woman I have ever been in contact with), told her I'm worried about him, and that maybe when he visits over for christmas if she'll talk to him. And help him with what she can and show him she supports him. And I'll do what I can.

Hope everything is going alright with you, Sceal.  ^^
I just wanted to randomly express that I really enjoy your presence here, and I find I'm always looking out for your posts and reading them and generally wishing you well all the time. I admire you so much honestly. You do so much, achieve so much, though you may not feel that way. Even just going to the therapy groups and what not, studying and attending lectures, I just can't help but feel impressed by your ability to do all that. I swear if I tried all that I would break down in the first few days. >.>

In all honesty I'm not sure how things are going. I'm in a vacuum most of the time. I am not really present, I'm not really here except for when I have to. I don't know if that's good or bad. It makes me unproductive, but it also makes me stress alot less. I've always found the question of "how are you doing?" hard to explain. On the one hand, then the other, and the third... you know?

I read your comment early this morning, and I've carried it with me all day. It's meant alot to me. Thank you so much, Aphotic. And I want you to know, I am also looking out for your posts and thinking about you alot. Trust me, I did break down after the summer ended. Well, in fairness I broke down before the semester even started. I hadn't calmed down from the last semester's exam, even nearly 3 months later. The first month of the semester with appointments all over the place, and new people and new litterature, new therapy, and all the conflicting things... I did break down. When my physiotherapist asked me for when I wanted to come back to her I started sobbing. Big fat, loud sobbing. It was nothing gracious about it at all.

I am not sure if it's so admireable. It happens every autumn (although I was good this year), I get a surge of "energy", or willpower. I decide that I've wasted enough time of being sad or not doing anything and I sign up for classes, courses, programs.
At the worst of it I was working 70% and also attending 7 courses outside work. I do not recommend it, to anyone. It's insane. It's not healthy or productive. I always crash and burn, and I never learn. It's only the last year I've learned to "slow" down. I do it because I feel guilty- you know? I got sick, instead of finishing a respectable education and work fulltime. I dissapointed my family, my father. Although he never said that. Never. And then it's the social pressure, to become something, someone. My country  you can barely get a job without a master's degree these days. I am not kidding, if you want to get a job cleaning a building... they will ask for an education in cleaning floors. So often you read in the newspaper about the leechers of society (me) the ones who are on wellfare. "all they need to do is get off their lazy * and find a job". So what choice is there? And also, it's a way to not feel. To not think. To ignore my past, my present. To ignore the physical, mental and emotional pain. Avoiding what needs being dealt with. Though, I've ended up with some weird collection of classes and courses. I've a few chinese calligraphy classes (which I loved), some quilting, some sewing, swordfighting, dancing, bookbinding, language courses (all failed), glassbeads, wound care, building houses the old fashioned way (including how to remove the outer layer of the tree, and how to chop a round trunk into a big fat plank with an axe), silk painting, art classes, economy classes, travel classes - I dunno - I lost count!  (this over the last 16 years mind you.. Listing them up like this is... it's interessting to see. )

All I really want to do is to be meaningful to others, to help others somehow - and to feel that my work is meaningful without it taking over my life.

It means alot to me that you say you admire me - I don't really understand. I don't see how you can. But I do believe you mean it, and I 110% apprechiate it!
This became a super long answer. Sorry about that, I was just on a roll remembering.

[Sceal]

P.S Apothic  I read your post about the meaning of your nickname here on the forum. And you inspired me to pick one with meaning too. Mine is an Irish word meaning to tell the story (telling stories). 

[Three Roses]

San started a thread on what our names meant - maybe we should revive that thread? 

What's in a name? http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=5008.msg30565#msg30565

[sanmagic7]

o, man, i was just thinking about that thread today!  weird.

sceal, you are meaningful in and of yourself.  you are sorting thru several 'messes', not the least of which is confronting this c-ptsd beast.   you are an admirable person for the fact that you keep reaching out, looking for help, learning what you can (you said you'll never learn about not overdoing it, but that sentence said that you have, in fact, learned something about it), and finding your truth among the lies that were programmed into you.

your pace, sweetie, your recovery.  it's all about you.  you help so many here - maybe you don't realize how meaningful that is.   your support is invaluable.   big hug to you.

[AphoticAtramentous]

It was a long drawn out painful breakup. But it's 2 years ago now. We are still friends, although at times rocky. It was hard in the beginning. I knew he was hurting so badly, and I knew it was my fault. I just couldn't love him the way he deserves. Or give him what normal, healthy men wants in a relationship. We had been distant for over a year before I broke it off. I still love him, but more as a brother. I talked to his mom today (THE most selfless woman I have ever been in contact with), told her I'm worried about him, and that maybe when he visits over for christmas if she'll talk to him. And help him with what she can and show him she supports him. And I'll do what I can.

Oh, I know how that feels. Feeling like you're not providing enough in a way, unable to give what the other person wants all the time. I really get you. But I think it's good that you broke it off. That kind of relationship can become very unhealthy I think... :S

I've always found the question of "how are you doing?" hard to explain. On the one hand, then the other, and the third... you know?

lol Yeah, definitely. Usually if someone asks how I'm doing I just lie and say 'good', because if I actually described how I was doing, I'd be there talking for at least 20 minutes.

I read your comment early this morning, and I've carried it with me all day. It's meant alot to me. Thank you so much, Aphotic. And I want you to know, I am also looking out for your posts and thinking about you alot.

Thank you. ^-^

[Mostly everything else that Sceal said lol]

I dunno, I think maybe I admire people in different ways to others. What I admire about you specifically is your ambition. That instead of sitting around, you're a fighter and you're trying your best. You've done so much! You're not one of those lazy leeches living on welfare because I mean look at you, you're doing whatever you can to make the circumstances better. It seems that way to me anyway. And all those weird classes and courses you've taken are great, it's all experience, all knowledge, and well the more knowledge you have the brighter you are. It's stunning to see how much you've done, I just can't help but feel impressed! You know the quote; "Better to try than not try at all?" You're like the living example of that, haha. It's great. I don't think it matters that you break down, or sob, cry, whatever. I appreciate your efforts and your willingness to try. I see so many people not try at all, believing they'll never make it and it's frustrating. I want to shake them, try to get it into their head that they won't get anywhere if they don't just try. So it's refreshing to see someone like you who does try.

Many apologies if I'm showering you with too much positivity. XD That can get annoying for some at times, sorry.

P.S Apothic  I read your post about the meaning of your nickname here on the forum. And you inspired me to pick one with meaning too. Mine is an Irish word meaning to tell the story (telling stories). 

I'm glad! I like your name. I don't know how you're supposed to pronounce it though. Haha, I just say 'seel', or is it meant to be said as 'skeel'?

San started a thread on what our names meant - maybe we should revive that thread? 

Thanks for the heads up, Three Roses.

[Sceal]

Wow! So many answers! 

Three Roses: Thank you for the link, I had no idea! I'll post my name in there ASAP.

SanMagic: Thank you for such supporting words. It would mean alot to me if what I contribute with here do help people. I believe in sharing knowledge and experiences. I suppose you're right, I have realised that I keep over-reaching at certain stages, and that is I suppose the first step. You words have been with me today as I've been going about my day. I hope your day is wonderful.

Aphotic:
I think you pronounce it more like Sk-e-al. I'm not sure though, My Irish is beyond terrible. 
I'll admit I do have ambition. Maybe it's one of those personality traits that's helpful in recovery? I see people not trying too, and it does frustrate me too. I wish I could help them, yet I know they have to be willing to do the work themselves. I have an uphill battle with my mom and her somatic health.

----
Had group today, I dissociated slightly. Or I dunno, half my brain was present and half of my brain was not. And when that happens it gets really difficult to pay attention. It's like, I know where I am - I can tell who's talking and who's around me. But I can't focus on what's being said and I can barely feel my body. I wouldn't be able to tell you if I'm standing or sitting. The voices were present today too, they haven't been for a while. The group leader helped me gently re-focus without bringing the entire groups attention to it - that was nice. And she talked a bit with me afterwards, which was also nice.

I am in a great mood today. After group I went for a 1.5 hour walk in the forest. There were other people out and about enjoying the lovely, rare sunlight too. I think I'll climb a mountain tomorrow. ( or do it the lazy way - take the "tram" up and then spend a few hours walking up there). It was refreshing, it was beautiful seeing the light coming through the leaves. And sitting by the tiny lake and enjoying the sun on my face. I even got to see the sunrise this morning (at 0850 ) It was golden, and gorgeous!

I've been sleeping great this week. I started up with 1200mg Omega 3 fish oil with vitamin D last week, and I've slept through each night. The dreams are still vivid, and still busy and sometimes stressful and chaotic. But I haven't slept a full night's sleep without sleeping drugs for the last 15 years. And with the exception of 2 years and about 6 months this year, I've been off sleeping drugs. So you can imagine my bliss in being able to sleep through a whole week without waking up 3-16 times a night. I am sure it's the omega 3. I also started up on metformin, but in half of the lowest doseage. I looked up briefly if omega 3 has any affect on sleep. and I found one study done with children that was successfull. Have to look more into it. After I started Omega 3, I also have less of the constant unease and fear.  I think there's a connection! I know omega 3 works on anxiety. I'll write a post about this somewhere else on the forum later on.

[sanmagic7]

hey, sceal, so glad you've found something that's helping with your sleep.  as one who has sleep problems, the difference between not sleeping thoroughly, and getting some profoundly restful sleep is extremely incredible.  i'm so happy for anyone who finds a way to sleep.

it sounds like you have a great group moderator, one who can recognize a problem and take care of it discreetly.  that's always important to me - it does feel nice.  and kudos on all your nature walks.  pretty cool that you can enjoy it so much.  that's great.   loving warm hug coming your way.