Sceal's Journal

[AphoticAtramentous]

I'm sorry to hear about that, Sceal. :S I mean, spending money on something you don't need/use. I really understand how that must feel, that pressure coming from all around you. Did you overcome your fear of water at least? Though I wouldn't blame you if you couldn't, being around those types of people at the time... Oof.
I'm really glad you're getting around to selling it though. I'm sure it will be a HUGE weight off your shoulders when you're finally rid of it. It's really not healthy to have a constant reminder like that in your house all the time... it's not just there as a reminder of your forced impulsive spending but a reminder of the people it's associated with. So yeah, glad it's going! I have similar objects like that, impulsively bought to please others and acting as an icky reminder of my past. One of those things was an engagement ring, but I didn't need to hide it or pack it away somewhere because I lost it anyway! Haha, oops!  You can't really 'lose' diving equipment easily though... too big for that. But I hope you'll get some decent amount of money for it. Best of luck.

By the way. The body has been acting werid today. I've had a pain in my lower back all day with increasing strenght. At one point I felt tingling down both my legs and such a heavyness I wasn't sure I'd be able to stand on my legs. And quite a few dizzy spells. And a BUNCH of trips to the toilet, without me having had much to drink. I am wondering if I might have a urinary infection, or if it's just psychosomatic. My T wanted me to call my doc, but it was too late in the day. I promised her big time if I got worse over the next few days I'd go to the ER. She was firm on this. That I really need to treat my body for any somatic illness as it has a huge impact on my mental health. I don't got any fever though, and it doesn't hurt anywhere other than my lower back. - I have a feeling it's psychosomatic.

I hope you're feeling better!

[Sceal]

I'm sorry to hear about that, Sceal. :S I mean, spending money on something you don't need/use. I really understand how that must feel, that pressure coming from all around you. Did you overcome your fear of water at least? Though I wouldn't blame you if you couldn't, being around those types of people at the time... Oof.
I'm really glad you're getting around to selling it though. I'm sure it will be a HUGE weight off your shoulders when you're finally rid of it. It's really not healthy to have a constant reminder like that in your house all the time... it's not just there as a reminder of your forced impulsive spending but a reminder of the people it's associated with. So yeah, glad it's going! I have similar objects like that, impulsively bought to please others and acting as an icky reminder of my past. One of those things was an engagement ring, but I didn't need to hide it or pack it away somewhere because I lost it anyway! Haha, oops!  You can't really 'lose' diving equipment easily though... too big for that. But I hope you'll get some decent amount of money for it. Best of luck.

By the way. The body has been acting werid today. I've had a pain in my lower back all day with increasing strenght. At one point I felt tingling down both my legs and such a heavyness I wasn't sure I'd be able to stand on my legs. And quite a few dizzy spells. And a BUNCH of trips to the toilet, without me having had much to drink. I am wondering if I might have a urinary infection, or if it's just psychosomatic. My T wanted me to call my doc, but it was too late in the day. I promised her big time if I got worse over the next few days I'd go to the ER. She was firm on this. That I really need to treat my body for any somatic illness as it has a huge impact on my mental health. I don't got any fever though, and it doesn't hurt anywhere other than my lower back. - I have a feeling it's psychosomatic.

I hope you're feeling better!

Thank you Apothic! I've given my friend all the pictures and the notice now. Hopefully she'll get it up this week. I feel relieved that I've gone through that stage. Now it's just the next one. Meeting a potential buyer (I hope there is one!)
My physical self is a bit on and off. But I think it's more that the body is signalling I need to start making some changes. It's been too much for too long lately.
But I'm okay, I'm not sick.


----

I feel like I have a lot to say, but at the same time not much to say at the same time. The days are a blur, and I'm working on being present like my psychologist suggested I do. It's tricky, because I forget most of the time. But sometimes I ask myself "where am I?", and I hope that's a start.
I've barely studied the last week. Maybe 2 hours outside of lectures. And I went to 30% of the lectures.  I am trying not to beat myself up too much over it, the time is lost anyway I can't change what I haven't or have done. I just have to look forward. It's lecture day today, so there wont be any extra reading. But tomorrow?

The councillor at uni said that I can potentially get a sickleave for my exam, so I don't miss a chance to do my exam. (You have 3 tries). I'm going to my GP in an hour and ask her if she'd be willing to do that if things comes crashing down on me in November. I don't think I am strong enough to go through another big stressfull month that has months of aftereffects. I need to put my health first, and one of those steps is to reduce stress. It's silly to ask for a sickleave in advance, but it'll calm me down if she says it's possible.

I'm still nervous about meeting the surgeon. I don't know how to prepare or what to expect.
Other than that, I'm okay. I'm mostly fatigued and dizzy. But I am okay. 

[Sceal]

Long day today. But not a bad day.

I woke up after dreaming I bought a friend a deluxe mattress for her birthday. When I woke up I remember thinking "Man I've slept good", that NEVER happens. It was a nice surprise.

I went to see my GP this morning. I normally try to stick to 1-2 things when I'm there so I don't take up so much time, and I often say "I don't want to delay your day or use up all your time" But she always tells me not to worry, she got time. She's amazing! I ultimatedly went because I wanted to ask her if she would be willing to give me a sickleave when my exam comes, if I'm too stressed out. Exams are stressful for everyone, that's for sure. It's just not something I can afford right now. My health comes first, which means I actually DO have to prioritize my health. And I need help doing this. 4 months ago I would have refused to delay my education. I would have told you I'd just push through. But my last exam left me without any strength at all. It nearly broke me into pieces. I don't want to do that again. It slows down my healing, it trauma-therapy-damaging. It's just not worth it. I started studying in my30ies.. what's 6 more months going to matter? It's not.  She told me that she would. But also told me not to give up yet. I wont. I'll still work, but now I can lower my shoulders a little. Very relieved!

We talked about medications too. I asked if there was an alternative to metformin I could take. She said there wasn't, but I could try a lower dosage. I tried it 2 years ago and I was so nauseus. Couldn't keep the food down, and I lost my apetite. It was awful. I have been looking around the web to see if there are any tips to reduce the nausea - but reading online has just made me more scared of starting on it. I have to try, I don't want to end up with diabetes 2.

We also talked about my fear and worries, and my GP's worries surrounding the potential surgery. It was a relief, it feels really good to have a GP that got your back and supports you. She also believes it's my best option. So I guess I just have to wait and see what the surgeon says at the end of the month.

After my appt. with the doc I messaged my friend, she had twins in May. I asked if she wanted company, even it was pretty early. She was really happy for some company. The twins were in such a good mood, they kept staring at me and grinning. It was really amusing. My friend says that they don't normally like strangers ( I've seen them a couple of times, but it's over a month since last time - so to the babies I am essentially a stranger). It felt really nice. And a part of me wants to think that babies can in a way tell if a person is good or bad (like animals can), and that they just liked me. It's probably not true, but it's a nice thought. It was nice to have such genuine and amazing smiles at me for hours!

I was completely drained when I left though. I wasn't sure how I was going to be able to make it through my lecture. I nearly fell asleep twice. But it was a good lecture. I even went to the study group. We had two group quizzes, which were fun. I was in the first group that won - and I even made big contributions to winning. And I got feedback on my trial - exam I handed in about 2 weeks ago. I felt I did a lousy job. Infact, I DID do a lousy job. But somehow, that gave me good feedback.

I should have prepared for therapy group tomorrow. Maybe I'll try in the morning, but now.. All I want to do is sleep. And it's barely past 20 in the evening.

It's been a good day today.    Hopefully, I am starting to climb out of the depression. If I am, then maybe that opens the door to fighting the PTSD better too. At least until the depression hits again. 

[AphoticAtramentous]

Wonderful to hear you've had a good and seemingly productive day, Sceal. Hope your rest is well.

I remember when I was in the hospital one time, I was given some medication that really helped my nausea. Though, I don't know the name, or if you can get them over the counter... but I know it exists! lol Maybe you can find something like that, might help? Though you probably don't want to be taking more medication whilst weaning off another. >.>

[Sceal]

Good point Aphotic. I should ask them at the pharmacy when I head down there to pick up the new one.

[Hope66]

Hi Sceals,
I was just reading your journal entry where the twin babies were smiling at you - that's lovely.  I think it's very heart-warming when something like that happens.
Glad you had that experience.
Hope 

[Sceal]

Hi Hope,
Yeah, it was really nice. I am still smiling by just thinking of it.
Glad to see you're back, I am following your journal.

Sceal

[Sceal]

I am so worn out. My cognitive function is low and slow. I have a short fuse, and my body is so heavy and full of weird symptoms.
I really wish I could have a week vacation, guilt free. But it's not happening until December.

I am reading your journals, and posts. But I wont be able to comment very much for a few days I think. I'm with you in my thoughts though. Big hug to you all

[AphoticAtramentous]

I am so worn out. My cognitive function is low and slow. I have a short fuse, and my body is so heavy and full of weird symptoms.
I really wish I could have a week vacation, guilt free. But it's not happening until December.

I am reading your journals, and posts. But I wont be able to comment very much for a few days I think. I'm with you in my thoughts though. Big hug to you all

No worries, Sceal. I know how you feel. Maybe just try and rest up and give yourself whatever time you can to relax and take deep breaths. ^^

[Sceal]

I will try Apothic. 

[Sceal]

I am not sure what I am today.

I'd like to say I feel empty, but that's not quite true.
I'd like to say I feel nothing matters, but that's also not quite true.
I'm unmotivated to do... anything. I'm even unmotivated to do nothing. Everything is a drag, yet huddling up in a blanket and in my own private world is also no good.
I am trying to get some reading done. I am painfully aware I will fail this exam, and I am pretty sure that I am going to ask my doc to sickleave me for the exam so I can take it next semester.  I feel I should make a new study plan, a proper one. And just start over. Do it right this time. Give myself more time.
Yet, it makes me feel like a failure. It makes me want to give up.

What am I doing with my life? I'll be 40 before I graduate at this rate. Who'll hire me? - I suppose it's too soon to think about that.
I feel like I need a cheering-club, or rather a mentor. Yet, I am unwilling to accept those around me who do think I can pull this off. And I'm unwilling to seek out a stranger for mentorship.  I guess I am just afraid of people. Afraid they'll hurt me. Afraid I'll get too attached, Afraid that I will dissapoint them.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I am not sure what I am today.

I'd like to say I feel empty, but that's not quite true.
I'd like to say I feel nothing matters, but that's also not quite true.
I'm unmotivated to do... anything. I'm even unmotivated to do nothing. Everything is a drag, yet huddling up in a blanket and in my own private world is also no good.
I am trying to get some reading done. I am painfully aware I will fail this exam, and I am pretty sure that I am going to ask my doc to sickleave me for the exam so I can take it next semester.  I feel I should make a new study plan, a proper one. And just start over. Do it right this time. Give myself more time.
Yet, it makes me feel like a failure. It makes me want to give up.

What am I doing with my life? I'll be 40 before I graduate at this rate. Who'll hire me? - I suppose it's too soon to think about that.
I feel like I need a cheering-club, or rather a mentor. Yet, I am unwilling to accept those around me who do think I can pull this off. And I'm unwilling to seek out a stranger for mentorship.  I guess I am just afraid of people. Afraid they'll hurt me. Afraid I'll get too attached, Afraid that I will dissapoint them.

I understand how you feel, Sceal. It's this painful lack of feeling and emotion, where nothing feels fun or worth it. Try not to worry too much about the exam. I think your idea of taking a sickleave is a good idea, gives you some more time. And if you think starting over the study plan will help, then you can do that too. ^^ But I don't think you're a failure, not at all. Even if you 'fail' the exam, you're still not a failure... you've still done something and achieved something and if you wish to re-take the course (if you can do that... not sure how uni works), you're guaranteed to do better than last time. You're always improving and getting things done, little by little but surely.

I had a course I had to do in Grade 11, which I couldn't end up completing because I started later than others. I thought I was failure but I learnt that, in the end, things do work out. I was able to start it again, right where I left off even and I had much more experience under my belt so it was easy to get into it, try again, finish it. Even then, it was hard, but I did things bit by bit, even when my motivation was low, I just paused, waited a little while, then slowly worked my way at it again. I eventually got it all done and passed and what have you. But just know that sometimes, and usually always, you have to go through a little bit of hardship, a 'failed exam' even to reach success. I don't know if any of what I'm saying helps or not. I try. 

[Sceal]

I understand how you feel, Sceal. It's this painful lack of feeling and emotion, where nothing feels fun or worth it. Try not to worry too much about the exam. I think your idea of taking a sickleave is a good idea, gives you some more time. And if you think starting over the study plan will help, then you can do that too. ^^ But I don't think you're a failure, not at all. Even if you 'fail' the exam, you're still not a failure... you've still done something and achieved something and if you wish to re-take the course (if you can do that... not sure how uni works), you're guaranteed to do better than last time. You're always improving and getting things done, little by little but surely.

I had a course I had to do in Grade 11, which I couldn't end up completing because I started later than others. I thought I was failure but I learnt that, in the end, things do work out. I was able to start it again, right where I left off even and I had much more experience under my belt so it was easy to get into it, try again, finish it. Even then, it was hard, but I did things bit by bit, even when my motivation was low, I just paused, waited a little while, then slowly worked my way at it again. I eventually got it all done and passed and what have you. But just know that sometimes, and usually always, you have to go through a little bit of hardship, a 'failed exam' even to reach success. I don't know if any of what I'm saying helps or not. I try. 

It's taken me years to come to this point, where I accept that I can actually postpone something until later. And that it's okay not to succeed on the first try. I've known it for a while, but I haven't truly believed that also was true for me. But my emotional state still needs work.

Everytime I sit down to study, I am dragging my feet. And my thoughts goes to all other places, I know this is common. I know even 'healthy' people has this. It's just... too much for me. I have no idea what I am reading. And that's not a good way of learning. To be honest, I hope by getting a sickleave that means I have to wait another semester until I can take the exam, and not just a few weeks. Also don't quite know how that works.

Happy to hear that you managed to work your way through Grade 11 in your own time and pace. Maybe I should fail the exam to just get that experience under the belt, and maybe it'll prevent me, or rather reduce my super high expectations I set for myself.

[AphoticAtramentous]

It's taken me years to come to this point, where I accept that I can actually postpone something until later. And that it's okay not to succeed on the first try. I've known it for a while, but I haven't truly believed that also was true for me. But my emotional state still needs work.

Everytime I sit down to study, I am dragging my feet. And my thoughts goes to all other places, I know this is common. I know even 'healthy' people has this. It's just... too much for me. I have no idea what I am reading. And that's not a good way of learning. To be honest, I hope by getting a sickleave that means I have to wait another semester until I can take the exam, and not just a few weeks. Also don't quite know how that works.

Happy to hear that you managed to work your way through Grade 11 in your own time and pace. Maybe I should fail the exam to just get that experience under the belt, and maybe it'll prevent me, or rather reduce my super high expectations I set for myself.

I wouldn't necessarily say you should fail the exam on purpose, I think you should still try at least a bit because you know, if by damn miracle you pass then that would be great. Haha
If you try and fail, hey it happens. At least you'll come out of it with a good understanding of what kind of questions are actually in the exam so you'll have a much higher chance of passing the next one, mhm.
Also, I had one exam I was certain I would do poorly on but instead of wracking my brain trying to shove in info I didn't even understand, I instead worked on the stuff I DID understand, the easy stuff that I could perfect and I ended up getting a C- for that exam which is pssht, it's a pass, it works lol. Maybe you can try that?

[Sceal]

If I get a C on an exam in this subject.. I'll celebrate with champagne (alright, not champagne, because it tastes like crap. but something good). I need C's all around if I ever have a chance of getting into the Master's program in 5 years.

But it's not just about the studying. It's all aspects of life. Today, I want nothing. It's all grey, dull and without much to rejoice over. I'll sharpen up again, I know. But I just... I dunno.