Elphanigh's journey to healthy

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for seeing courage and acceptance in how I write about it, Woodsgnome. It is odd to see you thank me for it, I forget my honesty doesn't always hurt people.

I will definitely take a bit on the porch to help gain some more energy back. It took me a while to muster the words for that post.

[Three Roses]

Here's a nice cup of tea and a warm blanket for your time on the porch, brave Elphanigh! 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Three Roses, I need that.   

I ended up going more deeply into some memories and being awoken by horrible nightmares last night. I woke up and didn't know where I was, it took me quite a while to get to where I could recognize I wasn't in my memory. My nightmare was built out of an particularly bad ocurence of sexual abuse. It is hard to separate when I wake up sometimes.

My body is also just feeling the affects of it... of remembering being traded around to so many. It just feels gross all over again. I know that my body is much different, and really I think I it the year mark for when all the cells in my body are comepletely regenerated and such since the abuse...

Either way I feel it more today, I don't have the words for the memories right now.

[Elphanigh]

I am going to find words for what I can right now.

*trigger warning*


My nightmares have been about a man I tried long ago to forget, my main abuser's father. Not really sure there is a good abbreviation for that relation so bear with me as I find things to call him.

My nightmares are not far from the truth though. In my nightmares he does some of the most violent things I experienced, leaves a mark from hitting me when I say no... and keeps me locked in a room.. until I escape and try to tell my mom... who says nothing, does nothing, and leaves me. I am about 8 in this nightmare. I know from some of the things that I observe being aroudn in this nightmare. my blue radio that I got gifted that year, and a few other little things.

This is not how it happened, but it is how my brain is making it worse. The closeness to the truth in this nightmare is why I awoke not knowing where I was this morning.. it is why as this nightmare has gotten worse over the last few nights that I have to take time to stretch, breathe, and ground myself in the morning.

Here's how it actually happened, or the best I can do right now. Even bigger *trigger warning*

My abusers dad walked in on my main male abuser raping me in his house.. My main male abuser was still living with his parents across the street from where I lived. It is why he was able to see me every day. Instead of saving me like any adult should have, he told my main abuser to leave... and he took over.

He was crueler than my main abuser ever was to me. When he went to take the last of my clothes off, I told him no and kicked him. It was then I got shoved intensely into the bed, and hit... it is one of very few times there was ever a visible mark on me. My abusers were always very careful to not leave marks... but I had induced more anger than I had ever seen up to that point. He was a horrible man, from what I remember in his 50s maybe... I can see a face but it is blurry..

I remember feeling a lot of pain in this particular occurrence. I had bee raped daily for several years by this point (I have a very vague idea of when this happened... not a good idea but a guess) but something about him hurt more than I remember it ever having hurt. I remember him finally being done, and telling me that I had done good.. once I stopped saying no. That I was good and quiet and I better stay that way.

He left me alone curled up.. and scrambling to survive.. I don't remember much of the details after that.. I know that my main abuser came back.. that he was angry too. That he didn't check on me, and I wished that he had.. that he didn't ask.. he was mad at me for getting us caught.. I remember getting yelled at and being told to stop crying because it was my fault.. That I had been noisy.


I generally try to bury this memory. It isn't one that I have put down in words. Even here it is very vaguely in words. I can't bring myself to truly describe it. Not that I can do that with many of my memories. This one I have never tried to put words to before.

As far as the part of my nightmare where my mom doesn't say anything and leaves... That too happened in real life. When I was asked if the main abuser had ever done anything to me, I say something very small.. something that had happened but so very minor in comparison to the whole. My mom left me crying in her dark bedroom. I was 12.... and still being abused by him at the time. She left me alone to be scared.. never spoke of it again.. except in little quips about how atrocious he was and jokes about who would ever get caught by him... the only mention of it was one that was abusive to me.. and very damaging. So my mom walking away.. that happened.

My nightmares put some spin on them... but they are much he same to my old reality. I hate that my life has so much perfect fuel for my nightmares... That it is full of things that other people only believe happen in nightmares or movies...

I hate that even here.. on this wonderful blog.. I am concerned about someone believing me.. that I have to be concerned no one will believe this happened.. because I have never admitted it before.

[Blueberry]

Elphanigh, I believe you.

My body ran cold (and still is) the further I read. But I believe you. I know this kind of absolutely terrible abuse happens, so why would it not be true when it happens to someone who's on here?

I'm so sorry for your pain then, what must have been terrifying as well, and then the fact that your M, who should have protected you, did nothing. I'm sorry for all the nightmares now.

You are very brave to put this into words. My words are gone now. If a hug is good, here is one  If it isn't, ignore. I don't want to hurt you.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, Blueberry.

Sorry for causing your body to run cold. I know my last few posts have been full of a lot of horrors. I am truly grateful you believe me.

It was terrifying, but I got used to living in that fear as a kid. Although I have more fear in this memory than I do in a lot of others. He has always been a source of it for me..  I wish any adult had protected me the way they were supposed to. Especially my M...

The hug is very good, because I know it is safe. Thank you

[Blueberry]

Oh, no need to apologise about my body running cold. It does that sometimes. I know other people's bodies have sometimes too when I've said something or explained something. It's a sort of proof that not just my head is involved but that my feelings get it too. 

[Elphanigh]

Oh okay, thank you Blueberry. I appreciate you caring enough to also have feeling go along with all of this. 

[Elphanigh]

I am feeling stronger today. I slept without nightmares for once which is a good start. I was feeling a lot of pain and weakness last night. Healing is difficult and it was playing hard ball again last night. It takes time. I just needed to feel the hurt yesterday so I could be stronger today.

Here's to another challenge and leg of this journey.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Glad to hear you're feeling stronger, Elphanigh. 

[Elphanigh]

Just posting to check in. I haven't been on the forum in about a week, but you all have been in my thoughts. It will be until at keast Tuesday evening before I can do much more than this, but I am here with you.

My body, and soul are so exhausted... I have two more really long days at work  before I can really even have a second to breathe or eat a proper meal...

I will be back though. Sitting on the porch when I can to help recuperate

[Three Roses]

Noticed you weren't posting here as much - sending safe love & hugs to you.

[sanmagic7]

my dear, sweet el, i can't tell you the horror i felt at your story.  i totally believe you.  you're right - it's the stuff of horror stories.  how courageous of you to put all that into words.   i hope that helped you, got rid of some of that poison that was foisted upon you by such terrible people.

if i sound harsh it's because i'm so angry at what was done to someone i care so much about.  i'm not surprised your body and soul are exhausted - that re-telling must've been like hauling tons of rubbish to the dump.  you did so much good for yourself.  it may take some time to heal from this, but heal you will.

like 3roses, i'm sending you safe, warm, loving hugs to you. 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you both for the safe warm hugs.

San, it did me good to put  words to it. Even if it was difficult. The exhaustion is coming from long days at work, and not sleeping well lately. There was an art festival near the restaurant where I serve tables, so it has meant 12 hour days of nonstop going.

I am actually home sick with no voice, and a rather high fever. I have calling into work but thenfever means it is contagious which I can't do around food.

Thank you so much for showing so much caring towards me. It always warms my heart

[sanmagic7]

such a big heart it is, sweetie.  earth mother spirit gathering you in while you're sick.  rest in her arms, safe and warm, healing vibes swirling around you.  a crown of healing herbs for your head, voluminous skirts to keep the chills away, and nothing but the best virtual soup ever known to humankind!  hope you feel better soon.