Elphanigh's journey to healthy

[Elphanigh]

Maybe she can help me. I forget that part of me can be helpful too, I am used to just normally trying to help that part of me rather than letting it help too.

I have done it once. My t early in college had me write a letter to little me, and then a letter from little me where I used my left hand to get in touch with her. It worked well at the time. Maybe you are on to something with using that to get some ideas on paper. Her creative wonder and unjudgemental curiousity may be what I need. This paper needs my wonder and curiousity,  not the perfectionism that I cultivated.

Thank you for that insight. Intelligent, I am hopeful. I used to believe in my own intelligence, in high school I did. Really until about Junior year in college I believed in it fully. Going to school with people that rivaled my intelligence brought out my insecurities, because I was no longer the best. I need to get the belief back.

Love, and hugs

[Elphanigh]

After a lot of revelations, writing, and then finally that letter to little me (see in letters of recovery) I feel at peace today. It has been a good, but strange feeling. For once I am not weighted down by the self-blame, and guilt that was created. I released little El from that blame, as well as adult me from the guilt of torturing myself for so many years over it. None of those things serve me, and grant me any sense of well being or healing. I can't have those things in my life anymore. I recognize the power in this realization, as I feel more freedom today.

It is hard in a way to feel this because it also makes me nervous. Peace in my life has always been followed by great turmoil, like getting lured into a false sense of safety to be pounced on. I don't want to think this way but some instinctual part of me can't help it.

I also want this forgiveness to stick this time. I have felt this forgiveness before, it was about 3 or 4 years ago with my first T. It didn't stick. Instead, I fell back into the self-blame and guilt. I put the weight of the world on little me, like I had been forced to by everyone in my life previously. I don't want to go back to that. I want to be strong enough to keep this recognition, to have claimed this forgiveness fully. I am just hoping I am doing enough to keep it.

[woodsgnome]

Elphanigh observed that "...It is hard in a way to feel this because it also makes me nervous. Peace in my life has always been followed by great turmoil".

You deserve to bask in these moments of peace. Whatever happens after, the now part is all about this peace you've worked so hard to attain and that no one can take from you. So enjoy the moment; what was before and what may come are irrelevant to the unshakable peace of now.        

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Woodsgnome, that is a perfect observation. I will try to bask in the moments of peace

[Sceal]

Wonderful to hear you're feeling at peace now.  I haven't read your letter(yet) to little El, but I am glad you are able to communicate with her

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Sceal. It is a great feeling, just trying to enjoy it. I am getting a ton of writing done because of it.

[Sceal]

Truly happy to hear that

[Elphanigh]

I am finding peace to be difficult today. Late night, and then just got out of my routine... I also finally tried to play my flute for the first time in 4 months. In that I fell apart. There is so much pain attached to my flute playing now. It was once the only thing that kept me alive. Now it is something that brings grief and sadness. It serves as a reminder for numerous things..

- a career and life that I will never have, one that I am giving up

- that I am never enough... not good enough, strong enough, determined enough, etc. I have struggled with that belief as long as I can remember because of the abuse but this is another, more current level of that belief

- my narcissistic flute teacher that has helped cost me a lot of my love for music, and this life path. Not all on her but the abusive parts of those four years did a lot of damage. I am now no contact with her, but even ten months away has not made playing any better.

- reminds me of the pain of having my love and passion stolen from me. Used against me.... to have it turned into something that just causes me great pain.


All of this is scaring me. I find I am terrified to out myself fully into the next career move. I am terrified to let myself love philosophy, to devote thst much time, to put so much of myself into it.. music was so large a part of who I was, of what my life was... I put all of me into it and it got knocked away. So I am scared to let myself do that with something else...

Peace is difficult tonight, I need to rest and find some soon

[Three Roses]

I went thru a time when I found no comfort in music - listening, singing or playing, all once things that I depended on for happiness. I'm starting to come out of that, as I go deeper into my inner landscape and work on acceptance. I hope you find your passion for your flute again. 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, Three Roses. I am glad to hear you are starting to come out of that phase. I hope that progress continues. Also hopeful I will get my playing back too

[sanmagic7]

hey darling el,

i think the idea that you even picked up your flute was a huge step.  the idea that you found that feeling of peace after 4 years, another huge step.  these are steps toward healing, and they all count.

as you continue moving through the jungle of this beast, i believe you will be taking more of these steps and the pos. feelings will begin to last longer as well as the time between will become shorter.    your self-doubting will begin to shrink as you courageously open those blockages and let that light in you shine a bit brighter each time.

philosophy - dare i say that this journey of yours will bring out your own, more refined versions of the philosophies of others, and will cement within you a personal philosophy that will make sense to many others who have been injured and wounded.   your light will shine and others will bask in it.

warm loving hug to you, sweetie.

[Elphanigh]

San,

Seeing that you replied made my heart smile. It is good to hear from you dear friend.

Thank you for seeing so much progress, even in those small steps. The forgiveness of my younger self has maintained its presence in myself. I have to remind myself sometimes but overall I can recognize the truth in it.

My flute, and self-doubt are ones that need tackled and worked with more. I do hope to continue to make steps in the positive direction with them.

I do hope I can make as much of a shining light of myself as you see in me. Reading your replies to me often reminds me to see more good in myself, and strive for things even when I am struggling. You have a astounding affect on me, thank you. I just hope to be able to understand some of the concepts at the moment, and to write a cohesive paper for grad school admissions.

[Elphanigh]

Crippling self doubt, and perfectionism are going to be the end of me one day. I am still self-sabotaging with them, despite my best efforts to get around them. They truly hit a peak last night, and I ended up crying them out a bit.

I kept hearing myself think that I wasn't intelligent enough, good enough, determined enough... that I wasn't intelligent enough to tackle Adorno... that I don't have an original thought anywhere in my head. That I was failing at getting this paper done because I am not good enough to construct an argument..

All of those things are false on a more logical level, but I am struggling to see that when I go to try to write. I just remember how it feels to not be enough... and get convinced I will always be just short of enough... however, I wrote a million papers in my undergrad degree. I am a good writer, not the best, but certainly enough. I have people that will edit this for me as well. I just need to get past the self doubt and perfectionism to start.

I have been so stuck in trying to be someone else... to be intelligent as some of the major writers.. where  my voice is lost in that. So I have lost my own arguments and insight. I need to find it. I can't spend years trying to be someone else, because I will always fail at that.

I failed at that as a kid too. Trying to be betting in every way so the abuse would stop..l it never did.  It wasn't my job to be someone different then and it isn't now

[sanmagic7]

you're absolutely right, el, it isn't your job to be someone else.  you are definitely good enough, smart enough, and insightful enough to carry through on your paper.  like wife2 says, breathe.  take a few breaths before you sit down to write, and visualize having a finished paper.  just a suggestion - it's something that works for me.

if i can visualize it, then i know it's do-able.  yes, you are a good writer - you show it here.  you're coherent, insightful, and your intelligence shines through.  pooh to those old messages!  they're not yours, and they never were.  you were born believing in yourself - others dumped the crapola on you that helped bury it.

maybe a writing exercise to put the old messages out of the way for a minute.  could you write them down, see them for what they are, and then destroy them (tear them up, burn them, whatever feels right for you) or put them in a bag and set them aside just till you get your paper done?  i've also done this for myself and found it helpful.

just some thoughts.  self-doubt can be crippling, and i hate it.  i hope you find your way thru it and out the other side.  best wishes for a great paper.  sending a hug filled with confidence and assuredness for you. 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, dear. Your replies are always a big breath of fresh air for me. I can feel the support through the screen every time.

It isn't my job. I learned to think so poorly of myself unless it was perfect. I was an athlete, competition theater kid, did both high school music and college music starting when I was 15, held a job from 14 to when I left for college. I was in every academic honor society one could think of, and took all AP/ advanced classes, got a perfect gpa, even valedictorian title. Oh a a few times of going to state and local competitions for music on top of theater. I taught myself and entire instrument in three months because I could...

None of that was ever enough. School constantly wanted me to skip grades, I excelled at any test or exercise.. even just in the classroom. However again it was never enough. I was sweet and talk to everyone, adapted to how the crowd I was in wanted me to act. Even my parents had their own set of stipulations. I can't remember ever not doing this.

In college I was less apt because it all caught up to me. I was still taking twelve classes, working two jobs, in two honor societies, president of one, and then officer in a social sorority. Again never enough.

I need to learn that all of that was enoug, I was just surrounded by abusive people until very recently. I am finally free of them. I just am so used to all of that crapola, as you call it, being my job. It is hard to let go.

I will try the writing exercise, maybe that will help. Will also remember Wife2s reminder to breathe before I sit down to write, and to visualize. Thank yo for all of the comfort and assuring words. They mean the world to me