Elphanigh's journey to healthy

[Elphanigh]

I thas been an adventure for the last few days. I have a new job offer,  but have spent hours in interviews... all the while with my withdraw symptoms being atrocious. It has made it really difficult.  I had to talk to the FOO for two hours yesterday, I may love them but they drain me.. It also meant the sleep I intended to get did not occur... So my symptoms are extremely escalated this morning... I have one more interview this afternoon with the job that I truly want. I am just hoping to push through and make it go well. As I said I have a job offer, so it isn't like I don't have an option.. but the one today is the job I want. I just have to have decided by Tuesday which one to sign papers for if today goes well.

I spent my therapy session yesterday just venting a lot. I have had to be juggling so much the last few weeks that I just needed it all out. I talked a bit about the fact I could start to feel anger but it was scary for me... that I didn't want to be like my parents or abusers.. I also spoke about things with the girl I am seeing, and being afraid of hurting her. So I feel slightly better about that.. I just needed to vent about it all. Next week I want to get to do more EMDR but I needed to just get to a point I could breathe. I think I just sat and talked the whole session. She guided it down some roads that were important that I wasn't expanding on. She is truly good at helping me down paths that I would other wise avoid adding detail to. I feel comfortable adding the detail to them though.

I am nervous to make all the changes that are coming to me. I also found myself feeling bad and guilty for being happy the other day. I am working on that.. It is something that needs some work.

I want to start reading more as well. I am trying to decide where my energies are best spent at this point... I only have so much, especially with the withdraw symptoms kicking my tail.. It is hard to figure out what priorities should be

[Elphanigh]

Well, I have found a good trigger for my emotional flashbacks.. one that I hadn't recognized before but did last night after realizing that I was having an EF in the first place.

*Trigger warning*

I found that if I feel pressured too much, and am being forced to make a decision when I am stressed it triggers a bad EF. I get all the need to run away. I go back to the feelings I got as a kid of having to decide what to do with my parents fighting.. or whether or not to fight the abuser that happened to be being abusive at the time. Triggered into the way I decided to protect my sister by letting one of my abusers trade me to people.. and watch while three other guys raped me repeatedly.. or when I made the decision to let him hurt her once.. when I was told that he would never hurt me or her again..

I feel back into a corner.. like I was so many times in my life. It forces me to want to run because that feeling triggers danger in my mind.. it sends my emotions back to where it senses danger because of stress.. I am still kind of in that start but aware of it happening. I hate when people try to make me decide from a place of stress and anxiety.. I can handle job pressure and things.. but people relationship wise or anything of that sort it sends me spinning, and I know now what it is.

On that note, I do have to decide today. I may not have chosen last night, and I ended up not even going home last night because I was so freaked out.. but I have to choose today.

[sanmagic7]

best to you with your choice, you darling dear.  i hear ya on the ef from pressure.  it sucks.  i don't have those exquisitely detailed memories like you do, but i do have a very disturbing feeling i can't pinpoint that i know has been there before.  it's so upsetting, i become more or less paralyzed, and feel stress sick.

standing with you, supporting you whatever decision you make.  i know it will be the right one for you at this particular time in your life.  it always is.  big hug, sweetie.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you dear. I made my choice a while ago. I stopped seeing the new girl I had been. I need the peace in my life. I also recognize I was not being fair to her, and could not longer be okay with that even if she was. So here I sit feeling a little freed, and knowing I chose for my well being and hers in the long run.

I don't get the memories in the moment, but I know when looking on it that the feelings come from those memories. I have a lot of detail in what I remember of my past. I have large gaps but my brain let me retain a lot of it. It thought knowing would be the best survival decision in a lot of cases. It is unique but has got me this far.

Thank you for always having faith that I am going to chose well. 

[Elphanigh]

I had strength to recognize and hold a boundary for myself today. It has turned out better than I thought. The girl is understanding and for the first time in weeks I feel like I can breathe. Like maybe life is truly going to be level out.

I was open with someone else that I found out was a survivor. It is weird to have someone close that I actually physically that has in common so much with me. Her's is not extensive but she understands, and has a lot of the habits and philosophies that I do. It was interesting to be so open with someone so quickly.

Today is an adventure, as is life always. I starting to learn to choose better, and find peace in myself. Hopefully, I can continue to get better at that skill. I want so much to continue growing, I am driven if nothing else.

[Elphanigh]

I can't stand having so many tears in me... it has been so hard to feel it all the time.. I can't understand it.. it sucks to have so many of them recently. I may be starting to do better in some ways but I have been crying so much, and I don't even understand sometimes.. this one just happened out of no where. It just hurts

[sanmagic7]

o sweetie,

once again, you've made a big decision, which meant a big change.   change always brings with it both loss and gain.  i think you're free enough now (the gain) to grieve what isn't there anymore (the loss).

you're ok, you're doing ok.  it's part of the process, this lose/gain cycle.  we'll be making choices and decisions all our lives, both big and small.  this one of yours was very emotional, and you did something pos. for both yourself and someone else.  you'll get thru it, i know you will, even tho it's so very painful. 

love and a big hug to you, my dear elphanigh.

[Three Roses]

[Elphanigh]

Thank you so much, both of you. I needed that comfort. These tears a difficult..it is like I am crying for a lot of past things that I never let myself deal with theloss of

[Elphanigh]

Feeling exhausted today.  I feel sometimes like I can get a handle on the worst of my symptoms, and that life is starting to be slightly less stressful and then I get slammed with another thing. It gets to being quite a lot.. My anxiety and trauma responses seriously need a rest. It is wearing me out greatly.. and then my poor inner child is suffering greatly.. Feeling super scared all the time is not so easy on her either.. I haven't had much time to comfort that part of me

Some serious self-care needs to occur. I really won't have the chance until super late tonight, but I will get there. One step at a time. For now just recognizing the emotions, and the panic. To not be mad at myself for them, and to know that they are reasonable emotions to have

[Elphanigh]

Today is an improvement, but  I am definitely feeling the results of yesterday. Really the affect of the last few weeks in general. I can't wait to get to go home and nurture myself tonight. It will be a little while but  I am excited to get the chance. Here's to finishing the rest of my day, and a good therapy session. My T will have a lot of emotions to work with from my end today.

[Elphanigh]

I struggled a lot last night with self blame after my EMDR session. We worked through the image of my grandfather dying, and my fears that I have drawn from that to my dad's current situation. That image and connection is already smaller and less intense. I am thankful for the EMDR process when things like that happen.

However, while the rest of it was getting processed (Emdr lingers for a little while) I could feel again how I couldn't save people. That thought came up in session but I didn't stay on it long, it organically passed. My waking mind came back to it after session though. I have taken so much responsibility in my life, and often I was forced to by circumstance. So I started to feel all the responsibility for people I feel like I failed to save. I recognize I need to work on my self-blame. It is something I have always want to tackle.. but I think part of me is scared to let go of the control that little me thought she had.. of the control I was trained to think that I had. Self-blame has become almost a safety net, by keeping me in control of certain things. It was in itself a strong coping mechanism used to understand the world I was living it. I was groomed to believe it but I also used it to cope afterwards. I need to get past it to heal fully. I recognize this.

Feeling powerless, and admitting to that is truly difficult. It brings fear, but it also brings a layer of anger.. I have processed some of my self-blame before and can recognize it like I didn't use to. That layer brought with it great sadness and fear.. this layer.. I start to look at it and I can get slightly mad at the people that caused my great level of self-blame.. and anger for the things they put on my shoulders, or put me through.. Anger is still scary for me.. I know I have it, but it is a hard emotion to hold and sit with..

I also feel a layer of sadness for the little me that went through that.. that had so much put on her.. I am proud of her for surviving and some how doing everything that needed done.. but I am so sad that hse had to.. and that wraps me right back around to feeling like I shouldn't have had to do all of it.. it should ahve never been expected of me. My FOO should have never made me the caretaker.. especially not in crisis like my grandfather dying.. or my mom having a stroke.. etc.. My abusers should have never made me hurt anyone, and they shouldn't have blamed me for anyone that got hurt, including myself.. They shouldn't have threatened the well being of my friends and loved ones just simply if I was too loud.. or didn't get them the item they needed.. or if I simply said no..

None of it should have happened.. none of them had the right to do any of that.. I picked up the responsibility and blame because at the time I had to.. it is how I could survive.. even to this day it is still part of how I survive the horrors that lie in my past. I am afraid to let go of the responsibility and of my resilience that has come from it. I built so much of my life around trying to make up for all the bad that I had caused or done.. and around trying to be good when all I ever heard was how horrible I was.. In many various forms. Letting go of blame can leave me a little lost in the water I guess..

SO my dad's struggles have brought that stress and with it a layer of trauma that I have not been dealing with. I know my T is nervous to get back into some of the harder traumas with EMDR because when we tried to jump in initially i was far to much for me. We backed off and have started very small with emdr and had some luck on stuff.. I worry to that trying to tackle this issue could bring up some problems too. I don't want to overwhelm myself.. but I want to tackle this issue.. I want to learn to leave without the blame..

[Elphanigh]

The last few months have truly been a whirlwind. I feel like so much has happened that I can't event fully comprehend it myself. It becomes too much sometimes, and I begin to struggle. This back and forth is truly exhausting but all I can manage right now. I push through all the chaos, making the decisions I think are right and rolling with what is thrown at me... However I am tired too. It is truly difficult to keep up.

I know I am feeling this fatigued because the EF's that occur when I am this constantly stressed and pushed to do so much in so little time. I can accomplish it because as a survivor I have learned to function under unbelievable pressure.. but I do feel it taking a toll on me. I am only human, even if my stress tolerance is higher than a lot of people. I was forced to learn how to deal with it from such a young age that I have never known any other way to exist. There have bee occasional calm moments between the series of chaos, but those are always small and fleeting. I have learned to take them and utilize them to their fullest.

However, here I am in the middle of several extremely turbulent months, and not sure when the next "calm" in the storm will come. I feel like the early 20s are hard enough, at least that is my understanding from people, to add to it healing from everything I have been through makes it that much more interesting. Sometimes I question my desire to go through all of this healing right now... whether or not it is wise to tackle it.

however, I realize I am young and have the freedom to do so. I need to take that and go with it. I am ready to work through this, more ready than I have been my entire life (I have tried a few times to confront it but was not truly ready). This time feels different for me. I know now that I want to heal, and am willing to confront these demons as they are. I know my mind thinks it is ready as well. It  has let some of my memories resurface... I have always remembered a great deal but it is allowing some gaps to be filled in. It thinks it is safe a ready as well.

I am so ready for some calmer waters but I have to continue to be so strong within all of this. Finding the small moments of calm and hanging onto them for all they are worth.

[sanmagic7]

just want to let you know i totally relate about functioning under stress and pressure so much of the time.  i do believe it is at the root of so much of my physical stuff.  so, yeah, add more stress right now in the hope that it will disseminate eventually?  i don't see any other way to go.

so much credit to you, sweetie, for acknowledging that you're finally ready.  you've been doing a marvelous job so far.   with you all the way.   love and hugs.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you so much. It has bee such a whirlwind of a few days.. I haven't posted in here much.. but I definitely got more stress out on me. I can't wait until I adapt tot his new asvenute and finally have time out updat here more often. I can read everything on the buss in the morning, but normally can't reply much, let alone post for myself. I will work on an actual update this weekend. Then figure out how to go about getting things done .

I have missed yo dear friend and it made me smile when I saw your post