the cheshire grin is the last to go - triggers

[sanmagic7]

very sad day, today.  very emotional night last night with my hub.  he really is a good guy, has a big heart, and has taken care of me the best way he knew how.  he said last night, after i told him i was sorry it didn't work out, that he thinks we just have too very different ways of thinking.  i believe he is correct, and i don't feel the need to  shred him with what i see are his wrongdoings anymore.

talked w/ my daughter today, i'm gonna look into HUD housing or gov't housing for the elderly (balls, it's hard to imagine myself as elderly!  mildly older, maybe, and still with a 27-yr. old spirit.  hard to coordinate all those together).  those will probably be all i can afford, but i'm going to have to be in walking distance of the market cuz i won't have a car.  so, we'll see what i come up with.  she volunteered to take a look at places for me that seem like they might be a good fit.  she's a sweetheart to the core.

so, i have work to do.  this doc appt., by the by, will only be an assessment by my regular ophthamologist  (can't ever spell that word correctly) as to what the stand-in i saw last month noted.  i won't know anything about the possibility, even, of surgery till i see him.  and, if i do need it, who the heck knows how long it'll take to set that up!  so, the waiting game on all sides.  ugh! 

so, low energy today.   i'll get thru this.  lots of stuff going around my brain, which, by the by, is spectacular.  doing it's job, and i can feel it changing.  i love this part.   my daughter said that what i'm attempting to do is huge.  i spose it is, but i can't really think about that or i might falter, and i don't want to do that.  i've never let age stop me before, don't intend to start now.  roger, over and out.  rocket woman.

[Candid]

so, the waiting game on all sides.  ugh! 

At least Relationship is looking better, and you can part with "I'll always wish you well". H and I think very differently too. Clashing aspirations and values. But we know we'll always care about each other.

my daughter said that what i'm attempting to do is huge.

She's right. But when faced with a difficult situation or decision, it's a good idea to leave our age out of the calculations, I think. I don't know how many times I've thought: "Eeek, this might be my last run... No, I'm sure I've got just one more run in me. I must have." I'm sure that will remain my default, that even on my deathbed I'll be thinking: "Well, my next move is gonna surprise a few people!"

Off now to catch up on my Job thread...

[sanmagic7]

hey, candid, good luck with the job scene.

very down today.  it's getting more and more difficult staying here - very stressful, and i'm really feeling that today.  i'm ready to run, but i have to wait till i can save enough money.  that's gonna take quite a few months, i'm afraid.  so, all i can do is make the best of this, drop a 1/2 a xanax every so often, like today, when i can feel the tension just tightening me up.  breathing, etc., doesn't help at times like this.  i'm too wired. 

yeah, it's nice that we're not hostile to each other, he's still willing to help me out, be my interpreter w/ these docs.  but, last nite was a trigger.  he went up to the big town to get another treatment for his eye, was sposed to come back on the earliest bus, then called last night, said he had to talk to a guy 'i'll explain when i get home.  lock the door, i don't know that i'll make it home tonight'.  so, of course, sleeping was bad, and i couldn't help thinking about him being involved in this little 'caper' of his, and this is still part of it.  can't rely on him at all, and that hurts at the same time it ticks me off.

i'm feeling so stuck right now.  i don't want to live this life anymore.  i'm usually so good at being patient, both with myself and with others, but once the dam breaks, i'm done and want action.  this dam has definitely burst, and the water is rising.  i hate this, don't want to be here, don't want to do this.  i can't believe this has happened. arrrrrgh!!!  gotta go get some anger out.  at least the xanax worked so that the tension eased and i'm not paralyzed emotionally.  i'm glad of that. 

[radical]

Is there any outlet for personal support that you could reach out to in this community,
San?  It must be so hard is you are isolated from contact where you don't have to keep up appearances of otherwise be on guard.

[sanmagic7]

did some bed pounding and swearing, and that helped.  it was good to get it out.  he came home this afternoon, we talked again, he asked if there was any way this could be fixed.  i told him that all these years i've asked him to look into his issues re: our relationship, and he always came up with excuses, said that i do things my way and he does things his way, or that this is just the way he is and he's gonna live his life out like this.

i told him that all the arguing really wasn't good for me, that i endured it, giving him suggestions for how it could go differently, but he just kept refusing.  told him that i ran across a narrative i wrote about 13 yrs. ago.  i went to see a healer here.  he rubbed arms and legs, basically, but when he touched me, i began sobbing, cried thru the whole thing cuz it was so painful. 

about the 5th day, he told me to stop crying, that giving into it was only making it worse.  the next day i came at him, told him not to tell me that anymore, that i was getting rid of poisons that had accumulated in my body through my tears.  then, he pulled my head to his chest, just embraced me, told me it was ok to cry.  he put his hands on either side of my head and told me something was very wrong with me, some organ inside me was not right.

i know now that what he was feeling was my brain.  i've just recently been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, but now when i run my hands down my arms, there is very little pain.  i told my hub that, even tho at the time he thought this healer was a quack and i was just throwing my money away, i knew that it was what i needed to do.  i was right, but it was just another of our battles that have gone on all these years.

i also told him that i made myself go thru all those tears, all that pain (10 days) because i knew that ultimately it was what i needed.  what had happened in our marriage was that all the issues we had problems with, i gave him suggestions to go talk to someone, join a support group (like this one), talk to the docs or therapist, someone, but he'd always say - that's the way you do these things.  i do them differently.  he was an adamant 12-stepper at the time, and he thought that's all he needed.

so, now i'm done with the bickering, the arguing, the battling for me to do what i know is best.  i told him i believed it's too late.   he asked me if i wanted to leave here, cuz if i wanted to stay, he'd find someplace to go, let me stay in the house, and he'd still help me.  i told him, yes, i want to leave.  i can't even be outdoors for 5 min. in the summer cuz i get sick from the heat.  can't have the windows open more than a total of about a month out of the year - either too chilly, windy, or hot.  no, i want to be near my daughter now.  something is compelling me to be there for some reason.  don't know what it is exactly, but i don't doubt i'll eventually find out.

so, i wait.  radical, i don't exactly understand what you mean by personal support from this community.  it seems that the people here are very supportive.  my family now.  i've chosen to basically eliminate the friends that i've had who i realized were stress-producing.  yes, it's left me pretty alone, but ok about that cuz the stress is really no good for me.  i just wish i could leave now.  hub said he'll continue to help me, and i'll continue to cook his food, and we're splitting all the costs.  roommates, nothing more.  it's so very sad.  we both had high hopes.

o, and yeah, he and some other guys went looking for the guy who left after buying a stolen car with the bank loan money.   his brother is the one who's in jail, and the other cars are impounded.  i asked how the brother went to jail.  it seems that he decided to take one of the cars out for a spin, got stopped, and the cops discovered it, too, was stolen.  there but for the grace of god - that could've been my hub who'd decided to go for a spin, and been in jail right now.   small miracles.  i'm thankful.  shady dealing, however, and telling me yesterday that he had to 'see a guy' really triggered me back to when he first told me what went down a few days ago.  dang.  i hate this crapola!!!!!     

[Candid]

i just wish i could leave now. 

Yes, that's what I'm hearing.

i'm feeling so stuck right now.  i don't want to live this life anymore.

I've been feeling the same way.

this dam has definitely burst, and the water is rising.  i hate this, don't want to be here, don't want to do this.

I can and will hold on until I've established whether I can find an income and live independently, but I feel your anguish. You need to get out as soon as your eye's better. You want and need to be with your daughter, who's ready to look after you as well as she can while you recover from this latest trauma.

Would you consider Wife#2's suggestion of having forum members fund your escape? I don't know how it works, but you're so very well loved on this forum and I know a lot of us would help if you'd let us.

[sanmagic7]

candid, thank you so much,  this is really touching my heart.  yes, of course i'd accept help.  i don't know how that works.  i don't have any social media stuff, payment options (although i'm sure my daughter does), only one bank acct. in the states.  i looked up the gofundme thing, when wife2 mentioned it, told my daughter about it, she said she has a paypal acct.  that's as far as i got because i don't have one, wouldn't even know how to do that.  i'd need all the money where she is anyway because she and one of her roomies would probably rent the truck and drive it down here, so we're talking about gas, hotels, food for probably 3 days each way, etc.  plus, i need to look into getting an apt. first, last, sec. dep., all that, get a phone, and if i end up in gov't housing, i'd have to find some way to set up the internet, which is done here thru my landline - i have a package where's it's included.  don't have a cell phone - i really live in the dark ages, don't spend a lot of money on me, except for cable (so i can watch my beloved tennis).

so, yes to any help.  this is so touching to me.  i'm not good at self-promotion, asking for funds, stuff like that.  you all are so wonderful to even think of something like this for me, i don't know how to take it all in.  thank you thank you for even suggesting it.  payback would be slow, but i'd certainly send something every month if i don't get inundated by med. bills up there.  i'm so full of gratitude right now, i want to burst, and all that would come out would be fairy dust and flowers surrounding all of you.  a little glitter just to make it fancier.  this is such a wonderful feeling, to even entertain your thinking of me like this.  thank you again.  much love going out to you all.

[Candid]

Come in, Wife#2! We need instructions here. 

[jdcooper]

Count me in as one who would love to help with a gofundme account.  As much as you've done to help me San, I would love to return the favor.  I think it is so brave of you to think of taking this leap to be near your daughter.  I hope everything works out with you medically-sounds quite challenging.

[sanmagic7]

candid, jd, my heart is overflowing right now.  i can't even take all this in - the tears are starting.  i cried yesterday thinking about this, you darling people being willing to help me.  i can't thank you enough, nor show enough gratitude.  i'm overwhelmed with the goodness of all of you.

my hub is showing the strain of all this, and it hurts to see his eyes.  he's at a loss.  one thing i realized, tho, is that even tho we've been talking about this nearly every day now (and i wish it would stop, it's just so stressful) he's never once said that he wanted to talk to someone, see if he couldn't begin working on his issues, etc.  instead he talked to me about maybe during the winter i could come visit him for a few months so we could spend some time together.  he thinks we'll still have a life together.  i just want to leave all this behind, start fresh, maybe be able to enjoy some golden years after all.  there's nothing gold about this.

is it just me, or is he not 'getting' it at all?  i'm dreading going to see the eye doc with him cuz every time we go up there, we fight/battle/bicker, and it's most unpleasant.  we've never once had a trip up there where it wasn't fraught with tension.  now that he has all these other problems on his plate, (even tho when we go, i pay for everything, cuz he's basically coming along to help me if i get stuck w/ the language) i'm afraid that he'll be even more short-tempered or demanding/commanding toward me.  ugh!  i just want this to be over!!! 

fri. he went up to get his eye worked on, he was supposedly coming home after that, at least that's what he told me.  he changed his mind, went looking for the guy that screwed them over, spent the night going here and there, even different towns.  the upshot is that that guy has several warrants out on him, and has probably fled to guatemala (no extradition). 

so, i spent a sleepless night, he didn't come home till the next afternoon.   i realized that i'd suffered an ef, triggered by his saying 'i don't know for sure when i'll be back - i've gotta go see a guy'.  that's what he'd said the day before he came home and told me what had really been going on behind my back.

he keeps wanting to talk to me about this cuz i'm basically all he's got - his best friend died last nov.  pretty soon i think i'm going to have to tell him that i can't listen to it anymore, he'll have to find someplace else to talk about it.  i've been up since 2 this a.m. (he has to do antibiotic drops every 4 hrs. for his eye for a week, so 2:00 is when the alarm goes off. ) laid in bed for over an hour trying to get back to sleep, but this crapola just keeps running thru my mind.

i'm going to begin calling housing places near my daughter, see what i can find, prices, etc.  some action is warranted now so that i can feel like i'm making progress, even if, heaven forbid, i'm stuck here till next year.  i also want to begin packing my books, little stuff like that, get it started.  little by little so i don't get overwhelmed with a sudden deadline. 

so very sad.  i'd planned to live out my life here.  this is where my heart lived for so very many years, even before i moved here.  it's just crumbling before my eyes.  i've just got to make sure i don't crumble along with it. 

[Wife#2]

HUGE, Comforting hugs, designed to surround you and provide good, clean, loving air and push out all that stale, hurtful, doubtful air.

The truth about the GoFundMe is that anyone can set it up for anyone, as long as you're honest in the story part. News stations have set them up for families in crisis they covered, so I mean anyone!

Your daughter could set up a GoFundMe about 'My Mom needs surgery, then to come home to the US'. Whatever you think would gain the most interest.

If Kizzie is OK with this, you could get your daughter to provide the link to you for the gofundme site and you could private message it to those of us who WANT to help you NOW, while you need it and when it could do the most good to soothe your worried brow. I just wouldn't share it too much on here, because I do believe you have to provide real names and locations when creating a gofundme account.

I haven't tried to set one up yet, but I've used a March of Dimes account that was set up similarly. We can donate anonymously or let you see our names. You see a ticker that shows how much you requested and how much farther until you reach that goal. In March of Dimes, I could click into that to see who contributed how much (Anon is all the nameless would say).

I'm so excited that you're really thinking of this option! I really believe that you will be shocked at the number of people who know you who will contribute - and will be even more shocked at those who read your story and contribute having never met you before. Because your story is compelling! And who doesn't want to help reunite a mother and daughter, separated by nearly a whole continent and certainly a national border!

I'm so sorry this has been such a hart time for you. The pain, frustration, sadness are more than anyone should have to deal with. I meant when I said that if there was some way to help, I want to help. So, here I am.... offering ideas AND offering to write (what I know about - with a 'sales-pitch feeling') the story synopsis. Sorry about the sales-pitch part, but, I've been told I can do that very well, without getting TOO sappy and I'm willing.

You are in the driver's seat, my friend. This is your life, true. We are glad to be a part of it, true. You DO deserve all these well wishes and offers of help. Yes, you do. Really. I'm serious. You do! Even Mama Bears need help sometimes!

[Candid]

Let's get this rolling.

San!

[Kizzie]

First let me say I am so sorry San for what you are going through.  You are cared about by so many here and I hope that will help you to get through     

The notion of GoFundMe has not come up here at OOTS before and as such, we don't have a guideline about it yet.  My inclination though is that it is not something we want to allow here because although we dearly want to help friends, it sets a precedent that I'm not sure is in the best interests of the community in the long term. That said, we have come to know and care about San and so in this one instance please carry on, but I would ask that you would take this off forum now and communicate via PM as Wife#2 has suggested. 

If Kizzie is OK with this, you could get your daughter to provide the link to you for the gofundme site and you could private message it to those of us who WANT to help you NOW, while you need it and when it could do the most good to soothe your worried brow. I just wouldn't share it too much on here, because I do believe you have to provide real names and locations when creating a gofundme account.

If you want to be involved in GoFundMe, please email Wife#2/ Sanmagic.  Of course, further posts supporting/encouraging Sanmagic are more than welcome 

Thanks everyone!

[Wife#2]

Yes, please instant message us both to move forward helping San.

San, if your daughter is willing, this really could move forward! And, it's time to pull this off the regular board and move this idea/follow-through, etc., onto the private messaging system.

Thank you for the guidance, Kizzie. As always, you are wise and helpful, even if you do sometimes have to remind us that enthusiasm can't replace common sense or the purpose of this site.

HUGS to all! Most especially to San - My heart-sister.

[Blueberry]

sanmagic  to you. Hang in there. You are so brave.