the cheshire grin is the last to go - triggers

[sanmagic7]

ya know, candid, i'm sorry it isn't what i initially thought it was, either.  alone all this time?  maybe you're right.  my d said something to me about having no community here, altho i used to belong to a few support groups, both amer. and mex., but they both turned out to be unhelpful, even after sticking with them for over a year each.   she also said that i used to love to go to classes and such (i actually took up basket weaving, loved it!) and i haven't had the chance for that here.  i also miss libraries very much.  such small things that played a huge part in my life.  i'll be without a car, but i'll get strong enough to walk, find a place near a grocery store.  it'll be nice to have beautiful produce to pick from again as well.

the last couple of years i've been missing all that american stuff so very much.  it's gotten to me, i guess, and i'm really looking forward to it again.  i know about the gov't, the healthcare system, all that is crappy up there, but it's all crappy down here as well.  trade one devil for another, i guess. 

yeah, it sounds like i've pretty much made up my mind, doesn't it.  the trust is broken, has basically never been there, but i've ignored it, put up with it.  this is just the straw.  just putting in time now.  so very sad.   i dread the thought of actually doing it.  don't know how or when to tell him.  i guess god will show me the way.

[Candid]

You've listed a lot of good things about moving back to the States, not least of which will be living closer to your DD. I like the way you wrote "I'll get strong enough to walk". It's far from over for you, my courageous friend.

[sanmagic7]

thank you for your faith and support, dear candid, friend and sister. 

we had a big blowout today, and god gave me the words.  as it ends up, it's almost a mutual feeling that we need to separate.  i put too much financial stress on him during the best of times, he puts too much emotional stress on me with issues that he's not willing to work on.  stalemate. 

we've decided to make the best of the time we have left together.  i'm glad it's not gonna be a hurtful, hateful kind of separation.  well, until he sees that i'm taking most everything in the house.  we have a futon on the porch that his brother can clean and move in for him to sleep on, he's got his phone for entertainment.  he may be able to get some money for my car - it'll break my heart not to have a car.  first time since i was 20 that i didn't have my own car. 

next on my list - he's gonna close out the bank acct. on tues.  i'm quite sure i'll have to be there to sign off on it cuz my name is on it.  and, that's one more step to separate me from this place, which was once the place i ran to because it was the only place i feel safe.  funny how things change.  now my daughter has really stepped up into my corner, and i've always felt safe with her.  it used to be that when i'd visit her, i'd stop feeling safe once i left the border, didn't feel safe till she picked me up from the airport.  i'm feeling a bit stronger over the years.

my dear friend from forever told me not to leave the man who loves me.  she used to come to mexico many years ago for months at a time, brought her kids, always loved it.  it was a vacation for her, so it's a different dynamic.  i was at the place once, a long time ago, too.  living here, day in and day out, thru the heat and the hassle is so very different.  she doesn't know this part of it, only thinks the world of my hub, and just told me again not to leave here cuz of all the problems up there.

they're no different up there than here, only there i can speak the language and understand what people are saying to me.  she doesn't get that at all.  she's also been alone for many, many years, is very sick and poor, and wishes she had someone like my hub to help her.  she's got a different pair of glasses on. 

so, one foot in front of the other.  little steps.  still fighting.  will continue to do so.  looked up studio apts. where my daughter lives, i think i'd be all right with that.  that's all i can afford, but i'll be healing, soaking in the calm, not this constant bickering.  it will work out.  i have faith.  if i wasn't worried about going blind in this eye, i'd leave next week. 

giving it over to the universe now.  it shall be as it shall be, and i'll roll with it.  i can always come back.

[radical]

I'm glad for you.  It seems like the best possible outcome under the difficult circumstances.

I'm on my own and I disagree with your friend.  I feel a relationship that isn't working and that the people involved can't make work, is not better than being alone, it's more lonely, in a way.  In your situation, the problems in combination with language and climate problems, could be isolating and alienating.

I'm glad you are going home.  I'm reminded of Van Morrison's 'Too long in Exile'

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9gRbpe7LUU

[sanmagic7]

thanks so much for your understanding, radical.  it really helps.  i totally agree with you.  when i visited my d at christmas, the atmosphere there was so kind and caring among the 3 of them living in a small place that at one point i said to my d 'i don't want to go back'.  i've never, ever felt that way about this place before, especially to the point where i felt more comfy with these 3 people than with my hub, safer, more protected, more cared for.  it was a very strange feeling.

it's all very sad, of course.  nearly 16 yrs. we've put in.  i came down here in aug., 2001 - yeah, a space odyssey, for sure - and may be leaving exactly 16 yrs. later, depending on my eye.  i see the doc may 17, will find out then what is going to happen.  that's my biggest hurdle right now.  in the meantime, it's a waiting game.

i love van morrison.  thanks, radical.  big hug to you.  you've all been so helpful with this, just an awful low in my life, a horrible decision.  i don't hate him anymore, but circumstances - you're right, radical - just can't be overcome.   i wish they could, i wish things could be different, i wish it weren't like this, i wish i won't have to be strong enough to actually leave here.  i wish.  there are a thousand cliches.  none of them are relevant right now.

i will be moving to a new state, one i've visited but never lived in.  i like the area of the country, tho, and the fact that it has seasons.  my d and i have formed a bond just in the past year or so that was never there before, and i think that has helped with this decision.  she's already told me not to worry about anything, that it'll get figured out.   very reassuring, non-judgmental, and accepting.

i am blessed above all, and can finally feel humble enough to appreciate all the help i've been given, here and through her.  that's a good feeling for me.  not to take it for granted that somehow i deserve this, but to appreciate that i can accept it as it is given, and feel deserving of it.  for me, that's quite different, and it feels really good (just like when i got so mad the other night and let it rip - that felt great!  never had that before).   we'll get thru this - you are all giving me pieces of my self that, when put together with what i already have, is making me strong, not sick feeling at all.  smiling now.   love you all.

[Candid]

we've decided to make the best of the time we have left together.  i'm glad it's not gonna be a hurtful, hateful kind of separation. 

I'm glad too, San, and I hope he will see reason about all the stuff you're taking. You need it to get started again, while he's remaining on his own turf where his gutter smarts and his dodgy friends will ensure he's always looked after in the only way he really understands.

he's gonna close out the bank acct. on tues.  i'm quite sure i'll have to be there to sign off on it cuz my name is on it.

This is your ace, to ensure he'll "see reason". How about you make an exhaustive list of what you'll be taking, and get him to sign off on it before you two go to the bank? If you can do this in a calm, rational way, he'll have to agree to you taking what you believe is a fair amount.

my dear friend from forever told me not to leave the man who loves me. 

That's fair comment (and incidentally the decision I've made for myself) but she doesn't know your circumstances. I see in your subsequent post you're talking about moving to a new state. Could that new state be an internal one? Because it occurs to me that sharing a home with this dear friend could be just the ticket for both of you further down the track. Naturally you gravitate to your daughter first.

it will work out.  i have faith. 

I have faith in you, magical San! I think you're amazing, and very brave. How long is it to the eye appointment? Can you book your travel now?

I'm inspired that you can make a radical life change at this time.

[sanmagic7]

candid, as ever, wise and wonderful wishes, thoughts, and sentiments.  thank you.

well, reality has set in, and there's no way i have the finances to move.  period.  i'd even looked at studio apts. that i thought i could afford, but i forgot about first, last, and sec. deposit.  so, i'm here, and will be making the best of it. 

he and i have talked a lot these past few days.  he may have gotten scared straight a little bit, at least for a while.  i'll just have to do what i can to make this as good for me as possible.  stay very selfish and 'me' centered.  all this brave talk - yeah, but i finally hit the brick wall of what i'm truly able to do, where i'm truly able to go.

by the by, the only lawyer i know here is my hub's son;  the rest i don't trust anyway.  i've heard too many stories, and i don't have the money to hire one.  i'd have to get a truck to move, which means someone else who has credit cuz i have none.  when i ran away from home all those years ago, i ran away from the entire life i knew and adhered to.

so, there it is.  i'm sorry that i made such a big stink out of something that i didn't think through enough to realize it wasn't even possible.  you all have been so kind and supportive, you didn't deserve to have given this your energy.  hmmm, i feel ashamed.  i guess something's working.  i'll be ok.  thank you again. 

[radical]

There is no reason to be ashamed, San.  Please don't harsh towards yourself.  There are many things that aren't about us at all, but about the way the world is.  Our choices are always limited. I'm sorry you can't find a way to solve things right now, but I have confidence that you will find good solutions for health and well-being all round, that you will find a way to thrive, whether that means staying put and finding a way through, or leaving.

We do deserve.  It's one of the main OOTS lessons.  You deserve support and caring and you have it.

[Three Roses]

I'm glad we are here to support you, after all you've done for me and so many others. Who knows what will happen? You may yet find a way to move. I hope you just decide what's best for you, that's all that matters.

[sanmagic7]

thank you, radical and 3 roses, again.  this whole thing is so topsy turvy, my head is spinning.  i do think my hub is scared straight a bit, which is a good thing for me right now, and i'm resting a little easier in this house at the moment.

talked with my daughter last night, she doesn't want to see me stuck here anymore, and told me, again, that if we take things step by step, we'll figure something out (wanna cry now, this is so sweet).  then she explained that she'd be able to round up the money to get me outta here through friends of hers, from  both the guys she lives with, and her friends.  these friends she's known since she was a little bit of a thing, and i've watched them grow up, but i never thought of them as financial resources.

she rendered me speechless when she told me that she believed that they'd help me get out of here, that she didn't want to see me be stuck here/feel trapped here.  then she said 'mom, there are people who love you and would want to help you', and i didn't know what to say.  completely unexpected. 

i guess because i've been battling against so many for so long, such thoughts of kindness seem unreal to me.  she just kept reassuring me, just kept calming me down, kept repeating that we'll take it step by step.  so, i'm going to save my money, my hub and i are going to act as roommates and split everything now, all the bills,   our joint acct. will be closed either today or tomorrow - that is the next step.  i will have all my money from the bank with me from now on.

he keeps assuring me that there will be no problems with the bank, but i don't trust his info anymore.  it's his to deal with now - i'm gonna stay as far away from all that, including listening to anything about it, as i possibly can.  so, step by step. 

you all have been invaluable on this journey of mine, including all its twists and turns, whip- and backlashes, rants, raves, as well as triumphs and celebrations.  i depend on you in ways i never thought possible for myself.  you have encouraged me, accepted me, pushed me, challenged me, and allowed me to be who i am.  i'm forever grateful.

no, i'm not done yet.  i still have things to do.  hopefully, tho, most of the battling will become a memory soon.  that will be the best of all.  i hope everyone can take from this that it's never too late, to never give up, to keep moving.  i do believe that as long as we keep moving, whether it's forward, backward, or even sideways, we have a chance to defy this beast.  especially, as ringo said 'with a little help from my friends.'  i have the best friends, ever!   it's not over. 

[Wife#2]

No, Ma'am, this is not over yet. You've still got adventures, growth and life and love to explore.

I'm seeing a peace in your posts. This 'getting through the storm' together is why we are here! You  need not apologize for granting us the privilege of being there for you just as you've been there for many of us.

The only downside to our anonymity on this site is that we can't give to - oh let's say a gofundme page - without putting that anonymity to rest. Something I've considered, but shied away from. Still, I wouldn't mind searching that site to see if there is a story of a wonderful woman trying to fund her way back to her daughter! <wink> Wife2 stealthily plants idea to see if it takes root..... ::ninja mask::

This is because I do consider you a sincere friend. This website has saved my sanity more times than I truly care to count. To help you on the site is my honor. To offer REAL help for you VERY REAL situation, that would only make me happier! Your daughter is right - there are people who love you and want to help. 

And yes, not in a narcissistic way, but in a human way, you do deserve to feel that love and receive that love and the help being offered. Because you do have value and your well-being does matter to us.

I'm very glad that your husband could be a grownup about the situation and it's impact on you. Hopefully, he can maintain that through your eye appointment and the necessary follow-ups to that.

GIANT, HUGE HUGS to you, friend. I wish I could do more.

[Three Roses]

 

[Candid]

No need to make big decisions right now, San. Your daughter and others have said they will help you move. Let's focus on the upcoming eye appointment and keep gathering data. There is a way for you to be among people you love while retaining your independence (I was well impressed when you wrote that you'd be able to get laid if you so desire) and I know you will find it.

You have lots of support here so I'll just give you a for now and tell you I'm thinking of you.

[sanmagic7]

wife2, you darling, darling woman!  you crack me up.  planting seeds - i don't even know what a 'gofundme' is.  i'm not involved in social media at all,  but, let me tell you, you brought a smile to my morning just reading it!  ninja mask, indeed!  and thank you for all the kind, wonderful words and thoughts.  they are so appreciated. 

for me right now, this is a time to be gotten through as best i can.  i'm gonna be messy, nervous, eating too much, and i don't have much brain for writing or even helping out others on the forum right now.  i'll survive it and the time will come when i can settle myself and find a new kind of normalcy.  for now, mucking through the yuck is the best i can do.   

i think i've started longing for a return to the states about a year ago, and i thought it was an age thing.  i began missing things up there so very much, more than i can remember since moving here.  i hope i'm not using this situation with my hub as an excuse to bail.  i don't think so.  i like to think that as i've grown in recovery, my boundaries, wishes and wants for myself are simply healthier, and my hub has just not wanted to do the work for our relationship.

my getting well, instead of staying sick, has been not only for me but for us.   i wanted to be a better partner, not just this sick old thing moaning and groaning all the time, becoming more and more helpless.  i've had to do a lot of hard work to accomplish that.  he, on the other hand, any time there has been an issue to be looked at in his own life, has shied away, found excuses, or told me that's not how he does things. 

so, to my mind, we've now grown apart, and that's not where i want to be or how i want to live.  it's stunting in a relationship.  at least it is to mine.    maybe that's the bottom line, and this incident just brought it all home about how much he hasn't taken furthering this relationship to heart.  i'm not one to stagnate.  i like movement - even when the air here is still, i can't stand it.  it's disturbing to me.

so, onward!

and, thanks 3 roses, for being in my corner as always, a wonderful cheerleader who's been with me from the very beginning.    love you both!

[sanmagic7]

candid, you posted just as i was.  you're right, my decisions must be step by step now.  today my bank acct. will be closed.  that's the next step.  after that, i have a doc appt. (reg. monthly to get my meds), and then the paperwork merry-go-round, and then the eye doc.  that's enough to focus on for now.  thanks for keeping me grounded.  you're a peach!  big hug right back atcha, with love attached!