the cheshire grin is the last to go - triggers

[sanmagic7]

had a good nap, so feeling a bit better. 

i can't thank you all enough.  you were with me, i thought of you often yesterday, you really helped me make it through.

it has taken two weeks of stress, mental and emotional preparation, trips to the office here in town (always stressful for me) for stupid paperwork, anxiety, and dealing with the language (when i'm on my game, i do pretty good.  as i get more stressed, my mind can't translate as well, or simply shuts down, and i'm out of the conversation,  my hub has been a big help in that territory, so going it alone, i always have that to consider.  this time, tho, my doc speaks english, i've done this before quite a few times, and i had that going for me.) as well as a nearly 3 hr. bus ride one way to where the specialists are.  i had to learn how to make the alarm work so i could get up at 4 to catch the 6:00 bus (i don't have a cell phone, so i don't know how those things work.  electronic gadgets are not my thing - at all!) and got very little sleep the night before.

all in all, wrapped in a coat of many colors comprised of all of you, i got there only to discover that something happened to 'the system' (computer) between my town and there, and i wasn't registered for my appt.  after about 1 1/2 hrs. of going from one floor to another, one desk to another, one more person to another, they finally found a place for me.

trouble was that it wasn't with my doc.  someone else did some eye pressure tests, told me everything should remain the same, and to go back out to the desk to get another appt. so i could see my doc.  i have to go back in may, when it will be over 100 degrees in the shade (it's already in the 90's), and i simply imploded.  went completely numb, was jacked up on adrenaline, had no idea how to feel except that 2 weeks of stress were a complete waste. 

i'm not one to believe in wastes of time, normally.  whether it's sleeping, relaxing, not 'doing' things that 'should' probably be done, i believe there's a reason for all of it, and it usually has to do with self-care and healing.  but, this is the first time that i felt waste of time and energy, and it sucked.  i don't know who or what to be mad at, sad about, don't have feelings.  some anger, i guess, but it's non-directed, so i have nowhere to go with it.  ugh!  what a horrible feeling, that of waste.  i felt dead, hollow, and numb all at the same time. 

ok, just talked to my hub, i'm now officially mad about this.  yay!  i was right there, they could have let me see my doc but decided to make me come back instead, even tho they knew i was from here and it was a crappy busride - again!!!.  grrrr!  gotta go pound my bed! 

thank you all for coming with me yesterday.  it was cool to have you for company - something solid in my mind that i could think of and know.  i loved it, and love you.

[Downsideup]

Ok wow that sounds like the worst possible sequence of events...I got mad for you just reading that lol. There's definitely a place you can direct your anger, and it's towards the crappy hospital staff who just completely blew you off by the looks of it. I'm really sorry that happened. Hopefully next time you can bring your husband or a friend to help translate? Just an idea. I hope you rest enough, and let yourself feel upset for as long as you need to.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, downside.  yep, i did get p.o.'d yesterday, did some screeching and bed banging and it felt good.  my hub usually does come with me, but he was gone on his whale-watching adventure and i didn't want him to have to cut it short - otherwise he'd have been there. 

so, life goes on, and we'll put that down as something to learn from, and move toward something more productive.   

next month is the big one - see if i can get some answers to what's going on with my body and brain, and if there's anything that can be done about either.  that should be spectacular.  next week, i'll be gathering and putting together all the info i can find on traumatized brain scans, c-ptsd, symptoms i have, alexithymia (these docs have never heard of this stuff, so i've gotta educate them) all my lab work of late - everything i can find to make my case for getting an mri and treatment that's going to help get me better. 

i have a lot of it already, but i want to make a lovely little packet to present to him and let him know exactly everything that is going on.  i don't have much hope for anything successful (*, i'm almost 70, why would they give a schmit!  i've lived a life - i can't see them wanting to invest much time, energy, effort, or money into me.  not being pessimistic, just looking at it realistically.)

so that's my next big project on the road to wellness.  if nothing comes of it, i'll at least know that it wasn't because of my lack of trying.  these docs here have a lot of the god complex about them.  they really do.  not a lot of healers, not a lot of them are willing to look at the individual as such, or entertain the idea that the patient may know a little something about their own body and how it's working in the here and now.  so, we'll see. (that's actually been a lot of my experience with mexico - we'll see!).   

[Downsideup]

Not gonna lie I had to look up what alexithymia is...it sounds like a lot to deal with. I hope the least they can do for all the effort you're putting into this is give you the scan. It's a shame that the doctors where you are don't listen to their patients. Not the best quality when your job relies on helping others. I hope you find your healer, and not just another inflated ego. Like you said, we'll just have to see.

[sanmagic7]

hey, i had to look it up, too, when someone suggested i might be suffering from it.  i took an online test, scored high in every category.  have been working ever since to get my emotions back and have been making progress.  i was able to feel 'happiness' for the first time just recently.  it felt good.  i want more!

i haven't been able to work for over 15 yrs.  because of being too sick.  i did work with a few clients after i came here to mexico, but now i can't even do that - too stressful.  so, i'm basically in survival mode most of the time, working on keeping my body functioning.  after all the years of trauma, several physical systems have already stopped working the way they're supposed to, like my immune system, digestive system, my lungs, and my adrenal glands (adrenal fatigue). 

i'm doing the best i can with what i've got here.  i thank you, downside, and all the others here for helping me keep going with all this.   it's not much of a life, especially compared to what it used to be.  but it's the one i have now and i make the most of it.  love and hugs to you and everyone here.

[sanmagic7]

i really don't understand my body and what's going on with it.  i've been working hard at eating paleo as much as possible, because that's been what's been recommended for adrenal fatigue, to help them recover.  ok, fine.  then came the stress of the past two weeks, culminating in that ordeal day to the doc, and i know stress is the one thing i'm sposed to be avoiding as much as possible because of the adrenal hormones that get used up.  ok, i get that.

so, along with a bunch of vitamins, the occasional 1/2 xanax when i'm tensed and need to calm down (too much stress flowing thru my veins, and breathing, etc., isn't helping), my naps, and snoozes when i get tired, i'm doing what i can to stay mostly on track, or at least the best i'm able.  i go out as little as possible cuz of the energy used just in being friendly (which isn't fake, but it still takes energy, along with driving, etc.), don't overly exercise (maybe 15 min/day just walking around my house), one or two chores if i have the energy for them - all this stuff is very mindful, even if it isn't much of a life. 

i love coming here, use up some of my energy here out of love, am still writing novels, maybe a page at a time when i have the energy, watch my tennis.  everything very low key, watch how much of my energy i'm using up all the time.  very aware.  then, my hub came home from his trip, got sick, lots of coughing, and i'm wearing my little face mask in the house and to bed, cuz getting sick for me is immediate bronchitis.  and yesterday, in spite of everything, i began feeling miserable.

thought for sure i had gotten what he got, and it was only a matter of time before it would go to my lungs.  already had the sore throat, felt warm, felt awful all over.  he was ready to take me to the e.r., get me antibiotics, but i said to wait a day.  took an ibuprofen, felt a little better.

and went off my diet by eating a piece of bakery.  i've really cut down on my sugar intake (except when i go visiting in the states!) and often my digestive system goes haywire the next day when i indulge.  don't know if that will happen today, but i do know that for some reason i feel better, not so sick-y.  maybe it was all the stress that finally caught up to me, my brain needed an extra boost of sugar, i don't know.

this has happened before when i've felt like this, gotten my stress sickness.  often, i'll get pizza and ice cream and within the hour i feel better.  it's something i can't explain, and don't know all the time when this is real sickness and when it's stress sickness.  it messes with my head - on one hand i kind of beat myself up for maybe hurting myself by what i ate, but on the other hand it makes me feel better physically, which makes me feel better mentally and emotionally as well.  i wish i knew what was going on with this, but it's happened like this for many, many years.  too weird.

[Wife#2]

I'm no doctor, that's for sure. Still it sounds to me like this.

1) Eat healthy, low stress, adrenals working as well as they can (still deficit) , feel ok.
2) Eat healthy, high stress, adrenals fall behind AGAIN - feel horrible.
3) Eat junk, stress lowers, guilt kicks in, not sure what adrenals want with sugars/starches, but.... feel better some.
4) Eat healthy, reduce stress, adrenals try to work again, feel ok.

It could be just me, but I'm a believer in the body being capable of craving exactly what it needs, when it needs - if it knows what it needs.

I know that I crave sugars, salt, chocolate or certain veggies at different times. And when I crave, they need to be consumed within a week. Whenever I got what I was craving, it was usually DELICIOUS to me, even if I'm not usually a fan. The chocolate can be satisfied by 1 or 2 kisses or mini candy bars. The salty by a small bowl or small bag of chips. When I crave water, I hate it - I am not a big fan of water, but I figure, my body is asking for a reason.

The most bizarre one was craving a pimento cheese sandwich while pregnant. I HATE those things. Did before, still do. But that one that I HAD to have while pregnant tasted SO GOOD that day.

Just as our brains get wired in strange ways, so do our bodies! I haven't read 'The Body Keeps The Score' yet, but I do plan to - one of these days. I think that author would agree that environment, stress and 'having permission to cheat on the diet plan' can all work together to teach our bodies to crave AND love - and maybe even use those foods.

Then again, I'm 50 pounds overweight and still smoking - so I'm not exactly a picture of health nor someone who would inspire others to ask - tell me your secrets to looking that way!

If having a few slices of pizza with a cookie or two, whatever, helps you genuinely feel better in mind and spirit, and that 'better'-ness helps the body calm down, allowing the adrenal glands to calm down, then..... What was the question? Just kidding. Enjoy, guilt free. Even indulgences once in a while are good for the body, spirit and mind.

[sanmagic7]

well, you know it's always more than a 'few' slices of pizza and a cookie or two', but yeah, i guess the body wants what the body wants.   sometimes it's just difficult cuz i really do want these things to heal, and from all accounts it may take years, and the steroids don't agree with me so as far as i know i have to do this from a holistic point - but, i guess, respecting the brain's messages is also part of this.  it just gets so wearing!

thanks for the support - again! - wife2.  you are a dear friend, you know.  dang, if it isn't one thing, it's another.  whack a mole!

[Wife#2]

Standing with you, warrior woman Sanmagic7. Standing right there with you. Or, if sitting is better, sitting next to you, hand on your forearm (my hands are typically warm and soothing, so I've been told), passing as much healing energy as I can through my palm. I'll even try yoga (for the first time in 40 years) with you if it'll help inspire you!

[sanmagic7]

well, it turns out i really am sick, bronchitis, am on antibiotics now.  this cuz i kissed my hub when he came home from his trip - he began coughing the next day, i started wearing my medical mask while he was home, even to sleep, but the damage was already done.  only took me 3 days before i began feeling it.

so, i don't have a lot of anything for doing stuff right now.   bad night.  but i do have gratitude, and hand on arm sounds soothing and comforting.  thank you so much.  this crapola just wears me down, another piece of that spirit gets whittled away, and it feels like my body just can't take much more of this.  not good.

[Three Roses]

Big hugs to you!

Wish I could do something tangible for you ♡♡♡

[Downsideup]

Oh no! I'm so sorry you're not feeling good San:( Rest easy and take as long as you need. Bronchitis is a real pain...try not to cough too hard or put any strain on yourself. This must be so hard for you but I'm sure you'll get your spirit back

[sanmagic7]

feeling a little better today, but i'm still taking it easy.  lots of good tennis to watch, so i'm set.  thank you all for your well wishes.  time to rest.

[sanmagic7]

day to day.  dang, this takes so much out of me.  i absolutely hate it!!!  small steps to wellness, no matter what form. 

[Wife#2]

Bronchitis is such an insidious illness. Quick to start, slow to leave. I certainly hope you are at least maintaining and not getting worse, friend. 

I have no great advice to give, but know that I'm sitting here beside you, with a spare tissue box for whatever needs to come out of you and be thrown away (phlegm, tears, old painful memories). Let's sip that warm beverage of choice (coffee for me), look out over the best view you can see easily (putting one on the computer monitor if needed), play the most soothing music or white noise sounds to complete the mood. ** coughing may happen, but we won't let it disturb the peace we're setting up any longer than it must. **

Breathe in slowly, stopping before the cough starts. Feel the healing air bring the oxygen your body needs. Feel your lungs send that oxygen into your blood cells. Feel those blood cells work their way through your body, bringing healing wherever they touch. Feel the cells throughout your body release their toxins into that blood. Feel that blood move on to the liver, kidneys, depositing those toxins. Feel your worker organs slowly clean that blood, sending fresh, but oxygen deprived, blood back to the heart, then lungs. Now, the muscles have the oxygen they need to relax. Slowly, even through the bronchitis, the healing happens, bit by bit. It's a meditation. A nice supplement to Western style medicine.

I'd forgotten that I used to do that on quiet evenings before I got married. I would take quiet time and just allow my body to be. I think that's how I got through so much of the stuff I survived. I still am paying a price, but I don't think the price is as high as it could have been. I know you didn't really have that option, having your family while still so young yourself. It's not twilight yet, the sun hasn't even set for you. You have time to learn how to take calm, relaxing time for you to give yourself permission to just be. And breathe. I'm right here next to you, quietly breathing as well.