Hope66's Journal

[Sceal]

It's good to hear that you were able to share with your partner, and that he was there for you in the way that you needed him to be.  I understand the feeling of not wanting to be a worry for him, but you chose each other, that do come with worry. I am sure you worry about him sometimes too right?

Our past will always be there, unchanged. And I think it'll always send us reminders on significant times whether we like it or not. Because of its impact on our lives in the past. I hope though, that the year will pass easier than you dread it to be due to these dates. Maybe you can change the meaning of these dates? Take it back somehow, and make a celebration of you breaking free from your FOO? That ought to be celebrated right?

[sanmagic7]

glad to hear you're feeling better, hope.  that worry thing, i think, is one of the costs of caring.  it just comes with the territory, and in a relationship it's a two-way street.  i'm glad you let yourself be vulnerable with your partner, and that he 'heard' you.  well done on both your parts.  big hug.

[Hope67]

Maybe you can change the meaning of these dates? Take it back somehow, and make a celebration of you breaking free from your FOO? That ought to be celebrated right?

Hi Sceal,
Thank you so much for your reply, it is so much appreciated - and I really like what you said about changing the meaning of those dates - I will definitely consider that and hold onto that, it is really helpful - thank you.      

Hi SanMagic,
Thanks for your reply - you're so right that a relationship is a two-way street - that is meaningful and it's good to be reminded of it.       to you.

Journal Entry for 28th February 2018

This morning I feel calm again - I think I was experiencing some kind of 'blending' with different 'parts' of myself over the past couple of days - it was as if I'd got in touch with my 'inner parts/inner children' and they were 'taking over' - I found 'anger' surfacing strongly - and was thinking some negative things about situations - where normally I would be really passive and calm.  But instead of dissociating off - splitting off- whatever the process is that happens, I was 'blending' with those experiences, and then I felt over-whelmed. 

But I know I need to be 'mindful' and not 'react' - just be 'curious' about the experiences, and then I can better 'communicate' with the wounded/hurt/angry parts of myself. 

I am hoping to talk about this in other parts of the forum soon, but for now I'm just keeping hold of the memories of what's been happening.

So, this morning, right at this moment, I think I feel OK.  So that's a good start to today.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

it is, indeed.   

[Hope67]

Thanks SanMagic 

Journal Entry for 1st March 2018
Sceal's words still stay with me, in terms of thinking of celebrating being apart from FOO - I think that's a good thing to do, rather than focusing on dates and occasions that might be meaningful to 'them'.  Afterall, my life has been taken up too much with being considerate of their feelings - of trying not to hurt anyone - of trying to tread 'carefully' and 'on egg-shells' incase I upset anyone.  Instead, I should have been allowed to 'play' 'to express all my feelings' 'to laugh' 'to cry' 'to make mistakes' - all of those things that children should be able to do, without fear.  I always had 'fear' - I always had 'trepidation' - and I always strove to 'conform' and 'fit an impossible mould'.

Reading Janina Fisher's book and using the other parts of the forum to talk about that - and exploring the 'other parts of me' stuff - it is all beginning to help me to formulate and understand things so much better.  I was over-whelmed this past few days - at first - it felt horribly intolerable and over-loading - and I struggled - but I have to say, that I feel 'better' over all.  A bit like a roller-coaster - because moment to moment, it varies, but essentially I am learning 'tools' and ways to cope - and Janina's book gives me written things to do - to do diagrams about what triggers me, and then to recognise which 'part' of me is triggered and what happens next - I feel I will be able to apply this to both current and past memories of things - to better make sense of why certain things 'trigger' me so much, and why there can be competing reactions within me, that don't often make sense to me.  I think it's because there are competing 'parts' within me, who each react in different ways, and I need to begin to get in touch and relate to them, and also learn to care for them, and recognise their boundaries.

I was just reading Paperclip's diary, she writes so eloquently and she talks of 'parts' - and I relate to what she writes.  She was also talking of boundaries with her own children, and I could see how she's looking to care for her own children, and I wish very much that I could have experienced that level of care from my own FOO - they didn't seem to be available to me - they were struggling with their own issues potentially, but at the same time, I didn't see much empathy ever shown to anyone else, except for themselves and their wishes and their desires.  There's quite a lot of narcissism - particularly in my M and I felt my F was enabling.  They were both abusive and crossed boundaries they shouldn't have crossed.  I used to have difficulty expressing that, but now I see it much more clearly - what they both did in their parenting - it wasn't right.

I feel as if I write with more 'clarity' just now - somehow I have an 'adult' head on my body right now, and feel as if I am 'ok' - yet earlier today, I felt like a small and frightened child - a couple of times - I can see what triggered me, more clearly, and I understand more now what 'she' was feeling - and talking about her as 'she' helps me to process it better - I'm beginning to write about my 'parts' and I know it is going to help me more and more.

So that's a good thing.

I also spoke to my partner about something I am supposed to go to next week - which fills me with intense fear, and which I think I may end up opting out of.  We spoke about it, and I shared with him some of my fears.  He was very understanding, and we both agreed about the different options there would be - i.e. face it, avoid it, maybe think of things I can say if I need to say anything - I guess the fearful thing is that I'm not sure anymore about 'who/which part' I take with me to things - and I don't feel as 'in control' anymore as I used to - because I could shield myself better in the past, and now I feel more 'naked and vulnerable' - if that makes sense. 

I am no longer so numb and dissociated - I am 'feeling things more' - and my 'cloak of protection' is gaping and letting things in, and I am therefore feeling less protected - but at the same time 'more real'.

I've also been pondering about the subject of 'procrastination' and the fact I am 'very good at doing that' - and yet I hate it, as there are so many things I need/want to do.  But somehow I can't get the motivation or action going to 'do them'.  Yes, I make lists for myself, and sometimes I achieve something from the list, but sometimes I don't - and then I feel bad. 

Also, I am scared to let my creativity out - and I think that is down to a fear to do with an occasion when I attended a Art therapy group (just one session) and it really frightened me as I painted myself screaming a torrent of 'stuff' out of my mouth - it really scared me.  Hence I worry about painting and 'allowing' myself to 'let go' in a creative sense.  But yet, I really want to - because I think being creative would be good for me.

I might write about that in another part of the forum, I'll think about it.

Anyway, glad to have written these things today.  I always feel better for doing so.  Well, often, anyway.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

wow, hope.  so much progress in this post, it's quite wonderful.

i hear you on letting go of those protective screens we've used and how much more vulnerable it can make us feel.  i also believe that we wouldn't have been able to do that if we hadn't gotten stronger in ourselves. 

i, too, like sceal's idea of personal celebrations instead of putting the energy out to foo.  that sounds like something i need to do in several instances.

well done, hope.   warm and loving hug to you.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you - for seeing some strength there, I do feel it - and thank you for the hug  - you are lovely.   

Journal Entry for 2nd March 2018
I do feel stronger today - infact I was able to actually 'do' more things today - it was as if I 'gathered all my 'parts' together and we worked together to get through things - I'm really relating to the 'acknowledgement of parts' and I'm recognising where they are coming from in terms of different emotional states - and it also makes sense of the push and pull of certain things - how they contradict and conflict with one another sometimes.  Almost as if a trigger can engage both a 'freeze' as well as a 'fight' or even a 'fawn' reaction - I can change within moments sometimes.

Today I have been through a range of emotions, but I have also been able to 'do things' - and that has felt good.  I ticked some things off my list, a couple of things - and it was great to do that. 

I'm hoping to read more of the book over the weekend - and also do more diagrams to represent my inner children/different parts - I still am not sure exactly what to call them, but both descriptions seem to 'fit'.  So I'll go with that at the moment.

Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

I remember something in Calculus class that reminded me of this. To make the equation easier to solve, we were taught to split it into different parts and handle each individually. We had to simplify each equation to its most understandable form - dividing, multiplying, adding and subtracting what is needed, and only then can we look at the whole to know the answer.

Maybe our emotional lives can be similar.

I wanted to comment on that art class you've tried. I tried a couple creative hobbies myself.  I also had and still have a similar feeling when trusting myself to just create new ideas. For some people, creativity is planned and for some, it just flows out. Like fiction writers who creates an outline for a story compared to others who simply improvises as they go. Some people who create music want to focus on expressing their pain and others want to use it to find gratitude for their joys. People create differently, and you're free to have your own choice in this.

The unknown can be dangerous, but it can also allow new discoveries.

Take care. 

[Sceal]

Hello Hope,

I just wanted to send you some warm thoughts and a hug. It sounds as if you're doing some breakthroughs these days, and that's wonderful!

[Hope67]

Hi Decimal Rocket,
Thank you for your comments, which you know - I find really invaluable - you have a really clear and constructive way of expressing things that make them easy to understand and follow, and I really relate to what you said - the Calculus analogy, it is great - seems to fit with the 'fragmented parts' stuff I'm looking at - and I especially like what you said about Creativity - and how it's ok to find a choice/way to express creativity.  I think in regard to 'being creative' that I would favour the 'letting it flow' way - i.e. if I was writing a story I think I'd feel better to let it 'develop' and go in its own direction, rather than have a plotline etc - but of course, something is 'holding me back' from even 'starting' any creative projects, and I need to really explore what that is - and get around it/negotiate it.  I've decided I would like to be 'creative' as it will be therapeutic and meaningful - I believe that to be the case. 

Hi Sceal - thank you so much for your lovely warm thoughts and a hug - and  back to you - I haven't been in here for a couple of days, and it's lovely to come back to my diary and read these messages from you, and from Decimal Rocket.  Thank you both.   

Journal Entry for 6th March 2018
I've had a dream last night which was disturbing to me, so I will hope to write about it in the 'dream' diary I've got going in the other part of the forum - but maybe later - for now I just want to say that I've found the weekend to be quite challenging - I had some 'social' things that were difficult for me, but which I managed to cope - and infact I coped better than I thought I would.  Also, I have something this week that I am not looking forward to, and which I am considering whether to 'opt out' or 'face it' - and I think I'll be better off to 'face it' - for my own well-being, as I don't want to end up being reclusive or a hermit.  But it's not going to be easy.

I have been doing some voluntary work - taking a more active role in that - and it's going ok, but I am finding that interacting with work colleagues again is triggering, as it wakes up past memories of what it was like when I was last working in a full-time paid job.  I am only doing a few hours a week - and typically I am enjoying the interactions with the customers, but finding the staff interactions to be less rewarding, and triggering some emotional flashbacks.

Also, I've not been able to read any of the book I'm currently trying to read - and I had hoped to get the chance to do that over the weekend.  Will hope to continue this week, it is a great book (by Janina Fisher).

I am trying to focus on some 'self-care' things - even looking at vitamin supplements, which is new for me. 

I am hopeful that the week will be ok.  I just need to get through the triggering event - I really hope I can attend it, rather than opt out.  I think it would be good if I get through it.  I'll see.

Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

Tough dreams, work colleagues triggering flashbacks, and an entire book to read. That's a lot to put your mind in, Hope. I just hope you'd get some rest and a pleasant slumber tonight. Take care,  .

[Hope67]

Hi Decimal Rocket,
Thank you so much, you listed those things, and you're right, it's been a lot to put my mind in - and my night-times have been a bit more 'dream-filled' and triggering, but actually last night I did sleep better - thank you for your lovely reply - I appreciate it.  I hope you're ok - I've not been to read your posts - mainly because I'm a bit over-whelmed by my own stuff right now - but I will hope to read them later in the week - or maybe over the weekend - wishing you the best.

****
Journal entry for 8th March 2018
I have had a 'full-on' few days - I had something that I was 'dreading' - it was a 'social event' and it was potentially a triggering thing as it would mean facing some people I don't want to see - but at the same time, I wasn't sure if they would actually 'be there' or not.  My anxiety level went up and up during the day - and I also felt the clamouring of different 'parts' of me, who were both 'angry' 'frightened' 'upset' 'terrified' - all kinds of difficult feelings really - and I nearly caved in and decided NOT to go.  But - I decided to do some exercise - dancing around to music, to 'get it out' of me - and somehow that was calming and released some pent-up stuff. 

I ended up 'going' and not only that, I think it was not too bad.  I noticed that I was dissociating for part of the time I was there, and I also felt very anxious at a few points, but managed to keep my 'coping face' calm - and I didn't do or say anything to show the discomfort I was feeling underneath.  I felt good afterwards for having 'faced this' and that I did actually cope, because I had wanted to be a 'hermit' and 'hide'. 

A couple of years back, I would have hidden, I wouldn't have been able to face this.  So this is progress, and I acknowledge that I was 'brave'.  I am also relieved.

I've thought about 'routine' and about the fact that being without a full-time job anymore means I have 'time to fill' - and somehow that reminds me of when I was a child and I was very lonely and frightened and also bored, and yet I felt as if anything I did wasn't 'good enough' for my NM, and I had to be on 'tenterhooks' all the time to be the child she wanted/needed me to be - and somehow having the space to 'choose' how I spend time - I'm not equipped for it.  Working gave me restricted time to think so much about my 'self' and what 'I' wanted or needed - and when left to decide my own decisions, I feel pathetic and as if I can't do it.  But I know that's a wounded part of me, and I can hopefully help myself to focus on developing a routine, within choices that are meaningful - and then I'll be able to achieve things again.

I am doing some voluntary work - not a lot, but it's something - but it's also triggering for me.  But I'm doing it, and it's ok.  I'll see how it goes, because there are some positives to it, but also some really horrible bits too - and I'm not sure how I feel about it really. 

I've also been getting more memories/flash-backs coming back to me - as if my wounded parts/inner children are each 'showing me' snippets of what happened to them, or what they experienced and their feelings, and I recognise these scenes/memories - but again they are literally snap-shots, and difficult to put in any order, or make sense - but I am going to build up a picture by using the diagrams I'm doing to describe each 'wounded part/inner child' - and build a picture that way.  I think it will be helpful.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

sounds like some major progress, hope, on a lot of levels.  it also seems that you've come to a point of feeling both strong and safe enough to allow those 'snapshots' to surface.  wow.  that's really something.

well done, sweetie.  big hug.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you - that's very validating to hear - and I do feel stronger, and knowing that my wounded parts/inner children are feeling ok to show me more snippets from the past, it's actually really appreciated, especially as I don't feel frightened or scared of those flashbacks now, but more 'curious' and hoping to 'see more' and 'understand better'. 
****
Journal entry for 9th March 2018
I have written about my Dream that I had a couple of nights ago, and that was helpful.  I feel calmer today - I am relieved.  It was hard yesterday, as I literally felt like I was experiencing symptoms of dementia, being so forgetful, distracted, and not being able to focus - but today - I feel completely different.  It was thanks to doing some processing of my thoughts and experiences overnight - and using the things I've read in Janina Fisher's book - as well as the reminder from WhoBuddy about shifting the body position slightly (e.g. lengthening the spine or other stuff) so that I can 'feel my adult self' and unblend from the 'wounded parts' - I have no idea if I'm using the right terminology to describe these things, and I'm aware I use different terms here and there, but it makes sense to me.  So I guess that's ok!

If I contrast my thought processes yesterday (e.g. Thinking that I couldn't cope with my voluntary work and I'd have to give it up - despite only doing it for a relatively short time - wondering if I can cope with even getting through the day - feeling as if my inner critic was taking hold and taking over - fearing that I had dementia - lots of catastrophising thoughts like that were popping up yesterday) - then today they are much calmer - as if I'm a different person entirely - so makes me think that I had blended yesterday with a wounded part that was hypervigilant, and a hypochondriac - but I've been able to separate and unblend - by processing and re-evaluating those experiences - last night in my sleep (lying awake for part of the night and processing) - and I feel better today.

I don't think I'm explaining myself very well - but I won't re-write it.  Better to leave words there, as I often experience when I come to re-read them later, that I am amazed by what I've written, or how I wrote it.  It's like I think 'Did I really write that?'

I was a bit concerned earlier in the week as I had written to a friend via E-mail, and she had replied to say that she thought I 'wasn't very well' - or that she said 'you weren't feeling very well' - or similar words to that - and it made me wonder what I'd said to her, that she would worry for me in that way, and think I 'wasn't very well' - the thing is that I had worried about myself that I might be going to 'break-down' and not cope anymore - so she had hit a nerve - I had felt over-whelmed - and therefore worried about myself and my sanity, and then she'd commented - and it was like 'Wow, I must be 'not very well''

Anyway, I can conclude today, that I am ok.  It's just a stressful time - coming up to Mother's Day on the weekend, and also to other stuff relating to FOO 'anniversaries/special dates' - and they continue to impact on me - despite my being estranged for some years now.  But I CAN and I WILL turn this around, and I'm going to try to 'celebrate' the fact I'm 'free' - rather than feel constrained - I really hope that I can do this.

***Trigger warnings here - mentioning Stockholm syndrome & abusive scenario ***
The other thing that just went through my mind as I said that, is that I relate to the autobiography that was written by that girl who was kept in a cellar by her captor - in terms of the constraints she felt on her liberty, and that she experienced Stockholm syndrome - I can't remember her name - but I related to so much to what she described and how she felt - and yet my 'captors' weren't actually 'captors' they were my parents - and I felt restrained and kept captive, and thought I loved them, it's a horrible thing.

I think I need to work on some 'letters to - not to send' - as those will hopefully help me to sort out the intense feelings that come up when I think of that situation, and I know I have anger about it - and I need to express that in a safe place.

I won't write more for now, as I can see I needed to write a lot here - more than I thought I would.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Just copying and pasting a sentence from Janina Fisher's book "Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors" which I want to remember and go back to:

"The challenge is how to access a going on with normal life part and convince that aspect of self to not only assume a leadership role but also cultivate the qualities of self, curiosity, compassion, clarity, calm, creativity, courage, commitment, and connection." - from p.98 of her book (chapter 5: "Befriending our parts).

Hope