Hope66's Journal

[Blueberry]

Hope, I'm so happy for you that you have such a good friend irl and that what she wrote to you is so helpful. 

Physical and emotional de-cluttering often go hand in hand for me.

[sanmagic7]

really a great friend, hope.  sounds like that 'guilt' may be part of the clutter you might clear out.  wise words, indeed.   

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry & SanMagic - thank you both for your replies, I appreciate them very much.   

Journal Entry for 10th February 2018
Procrastination seems to be the 'theme' of my weekend so far - all those 'plans' for de-cluttering and sorting through things, and then it's like I hit a wall - a wall of resistance - and can't break through it to 'sorting' anything...  Oh well - I won't fight it - I'll try to sit with whatever it is that is holding me back.  Although I think I need to process it - work it out - and move forward from it. 

It's not as if I've 'not done anything' - I have been doing something today - I've managed to get through a few things on a list, and I felt good for doing that.  But when it comes to thinking of a way to tackle my emotional stuff - and even my physical stuff - I just put it off.

Last night I felt as if I was spending the evening in a state of 'anxiety' - there was an 'angst' there - and I didn't like that feeling.  Today, I no longer have the angst or the anxiety, but I just feel a bit 'pathetic' that I can't seem to get myself into some form of 'action'.

I had felt liberated by my friend's words - to let go of guilt - I thought 'yes' - that is what I should do.  I've been holding onto the 'guilt' of my FOO - when infact I should be living my life - I can't be beholden to them, and I can't take their dysfunction on board constantly - I need to live my own life.

On my facebook page, I can see the posts that my sister does - and she does lots of posts - and I wonder why I am still linked to her - but it is because I wasn't aware even of whether she was alive or not before, and now I'm connected to her on Facebook - I can see that she lives and breathes, but we don't communicate with one another anymore.  It is quite strange really.

But then so much of my life experiences have felt 'strange' to me, and almost as if they happened to 'someone else' - but yet, it was me who lived through things - but I guess I was dissociated, numb - for much of my childhood, and throughout a lot of my adult life too.  I'm 'waking up' now - and I'm feeling things more - as I sit with my feelings sometimes, and it feels uncomfortable to do that, but it does at the same time feel 'real' - so I guess that's progress.

I have recently taken on some voluntary work - and I will be doing more of that in the coming weeks - and I suppose that I am a bit scared about how I'll cope with that - memories of work for me are traumatic too - and I've not written in the forum about the circumstances of what happened to me when my job finished.  There were so many things I was contending with at the time, it was over-whelming. 

But I'm in a different place now, in terms of my well-being, and I am stronger.  So hopefully I'll be ok to cope with the roles I'll undertake in my voluntary work. 

I'll see how it goes.

Glad to have written something today - in this journal - because it does help me to focus and I always feel better for writing something - well usually....!

Not always.   

Waffling now, so I'll go. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry for 11th February 2018
Thankfully I feel a bit better today - I've ordered a book - one that was recommended to me in the thread I wrote about 'different parts of me' - can't remember the details now, but hopefully I'll get the book by the middle of next week, and that will be great, as I feel I need to have some 'self-help therapy' from a book.

I've thought about whether to go back to my therapist that I saw before - but I am watching my finances, and I remember what that therapy was like, and I often felt as if the therapist didn't really understand trauma - and at that time, I wasn't aware of complex PTSD and all the things related to that - and I suspect that my therapist wouldn't be able to help me.

I also don't have faith in other therapists, or GPs really - I've always ended up being quite 'self-sufficient' and looked within myself to cope - but I have the support of my partner, who is incredibly open-minded and accepting of my experiences - I've been able to share everything with him, and I've also begun to open up to some close friends too - and have had very helpful replies from them, and support from them.

So I feel like I have a good support framework around me, and particularly with this forum - it has been a life-saver for my sanity - somewhere to come and feel completely understood by like-minded people.  So, I can continue to use the 'self-help' literature I read and also the support in the forum, and it feels like the best form of therapy - even though I realise it's not therapy in the sense of an ongoing relationship with one therapist.

Anyway, I'm trying to sort out whether I feel I can continue to go forward and 'cope' and explore more my sense of self and the different 'parts' of myself that I've begun to notice, as a result of exploring my relationship with dissociation - I know I'm not wording this incredibly well - but I know what I mean, and I just wanted to write a bit about my process of working things out.

I also want to say how pleased I was to see Libby had returned to the forum today - I had wondered how she is - not having seen her around and about, and I am happy she's back. 

Regarding clutter and sorting things out - I have been doing some things on my 'list' - I have accomplished some things this weekend, and I have also been busy with more mundane things - housework, washing, cleaning etc - and this afternoon I want to try to focus on some planning for next week - as well as anticipating the arrival of my new book...  I am excited!

Hope 

[Whobuddy]

I think the book you ordered was the one I wrote about. I hope you like it. It really meant a lot to me. I have a therapist who doesn't seem to embrace the book's methods but he can see how much it has helped me in living more frequently from my 'adult' part. This is really helping with the therapy in that he is not always having to deal with my wounded parts like before so we can have more effective discussions. His latest assignment for me is to think about what my life would have been like if I had grown up in better circumstances. My first thought is that I wouldn't have all these 'parts' that are wounded and I need to provide comfort and encouragement to all the time.

I look forward to hearing what you think about the book. If you would like I could share some things that the book inspired me to do to identify and sort out my 'parts.'

[Hope67]

Hi Whobuddy - Yes, it was definitely you who mentioned the book - thank you so much for telling me about it, it does sound like one that I would find helpful, and I am excited about having ordered it.  It's good to hear you have a therapist who can see how much it has helped you, and that you're finding it helpful in that way.

I think I will open a discussion thread about the book, when I start to read it, so it would be great if you could share some things that the book inspired you to do - either in that thread, or anywhere that you want to do that - because I think it would be great to share thoughts and experiences in that way.  Thank you.    

Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal entry for 12th February 2018
I have just written in a couple of places on the forum about my CSA, and I have to say that the replies I got today helped me to write a 'letter to my F' (not to send) and it has choked me up, but it was also good to 'get it out' - so I just want to say that - I can't formulate replies yet to the people who replied to me - I need to get my tears out - as they are flowing right now, and I'm glad that I'm alone in the house - because I need to express it.  I know my partner would worry if he saw me upset.
I'm going to cook some food now - whilst listening to some music, and maybe I'll dance - because I feel like I've got some 'angst' to 'dance out' - if that makes sense.
Hope 

[Sceal]

Hi Hope!

I haven't read your threads yet, but I just wanted to pop by and say hello!
Perhaps offer up a hug, or a comforting cup of tea?

[Blueberry]

Having 'angst' to dance out makes perfect sense to me. I dance some of my feelings out too. I'm glad you cooked some food, sounds like self-care, and that your tears are flowing out rather than staying in.

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
Lovely to see you, and thank you for popping by with such a lovely offer of a hug  I appreciate and accept that hug, and also the offer of a cup of tea - such a refreshing and welcome offer - thank you!     I am feeling calmer again after writing things down - and relieved that it helped me to do that. 

Hi Blueberry,
I didn't dance in the end - but I thought about it!  I ended up cooking - and trying to combat the inner critical thoughts that were banging me on the head.  Thankfully they wore themselves out in the end - and I felt calmer for having eaten something, and I also think that the tears helped - crying is good, and I don't do it that often - but when it happens, it is helpful.  I didn't want to cry infront of my partner, as I know he would worry about me - he wants me to be happy.  I am happy - but when I consider my past experiences and process them, then so many conflicting emotions clamour to be heard.

I know that you dance some of your feelings out, Blueberry - and that's partly why I was trying to do that too - because I hoped it would help me too - the thought of it sounds great - but I didn't allow myself to actually do it, in the end.  I think I'm definitely quite 'controlled' still - I need to 'let myself be freer'.

Journal Entry for 13th February 2018
Pleased to be calmer.  Relieved.  Hoping today will be a calm day and I can focus on things I need to do. 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

i share your hopes for you for today, hope.  glad you were able to let go of those tears.  at the right time, they can be healing.  big hug to you.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Yes, the tears were healing, and getting in touch with my anger was good for me too - I feel sure of that now the moment has passed. 

Journal entry for 14th February 2018
Valentine's Day today - and I have had a lovely card from my partner - so a really nice start to the day - and I have plans for us to enjoy a special meal tonight - not sure what it will be yet, but will be going shopping later, so will see what there is.  Feeling ok today - the last few days I would say I was jumping between various emotions, and I also scared myself a little whilst driving the car - and then realising that I was really dissociated, and had no idea where I was going - I nearly panicked and shouted out loud - but thankfully I was able to keep myself focused enough to negotiate my way back home safely.  It shocked me though, and I am going to try hard to 'keep focused' on whatever task I happen to be trying to do today.

I have quite a few things I'd like to do - mundane things, in many respects, but I feel that I might actually achieve some things today - I have some hope - so it's a good start. 

I've been having a few night time disturbances, this past couple of nights, but nothing like the night terrors I used to have.  I might write about one of them later - to think about its content and why it happened.  I know I won't know the actual reason, but writing about it might bring some useful thoughts to mind.  I'm writing it here, to ensure I don't forget about it - and the intention to write about it.

Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

Nice to hear you had a nice Valentine's day too. I'm not really interested in romantic relationships at all but I showed some platonic love to friends today.

Dissociation can have the worst timing, and I agree, it can be scary when that happens. Sorry for those night terrors. Sleep is supposed to be for rest, but night terrors just make it more exhausting.

Take care. 

[Hope67]

Hi Decimal Rocket,
Thanks for your kind words, and I hope that you enjoyed showing some platonic love to your friends on Valentine's Day - I think that's a lovely thing.  Yes, dissociation can have the worst timing - I agree!  My night terrors are nothing like they used to be, it's improved such a lot - and I appreciate your kind words.    to you.  Hope your weekend will be one that is enjoyable.

Journal entry for 16th February 2018
I have had quite a few things happen this week that have been 'triggering' - and it's felt a bit 'over-whelming' - and also I guess I feel as if I'm on a bit of a 'high' in terms of not being able to feel calm - it's like I'm a 'wound-up' spring - 'full of energy' but not in a good way.  It feels 'too much' - so I think I need to calm myself and bring myself down from that.   The other thing is that I feel as if I've been 'too much' around people and interactions - like I'm 'too full of myself' - rather than my usual calmer and 'nicer' persona - I guess I worried incase I was getting a bit 'narcissistic' - if that makes sense.  I don't think I am, but sometimes I worry that maybe there are elements of my personality which 'crave' and 'need' some attention, and then I fear I'm like my narcissistic M - and I fear that.

Anyway, I am hoping to do something on the weekend to ensure I 'take some time to breathe' and hopefully become less like a 'coiled spring'

Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

I can relate to that. I'm so used to not asking for attention and help growing up that often I don't think I deserve it. But really, a little more attention isn't narccicistic. But we all need attention at some amounts — as human beings are wired to need love and connection — and needing that is not something wrong. As long as we respect boundaries as we ask for it — I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

Take care, Hope.