Hope66's Journal

[sanmagic7]

dear hope,  i've been in low energy at times, also with things to be accomplished.  sometimes i've had to prioritize in order to make sure i do the things i most want to do, and if i have enough energy left over, will do the rest.   i think you know where your limit is for pushing yourself.  it's different for all of us. 

in the meantime, i do hope you are able to enjoy all of what's still on the horizon for you.  big hug filled with warmth and love to you.

[Sceal]

Merry Christmas, Hope! I hope the rest of the holiday will bring you some joy and strength.

[Andyman73]

Hi Hope, I hope you feeling better! 

Andy

[Hope66]

Hi SanMagic, Thank you for your lovely words    You're right about prioritising and I have been doing just that - and I appreciate your lovely hug too - sending you one right back 

Hi Sceal - lovely to hear from you!  Merry Christmas to you too, and wishing you good things for the time ahead.   

Hi Andy - Wow, how could I not feel better when you've sent all those amazing emoticons to cheer me up.  You've made me smile from ear to ear.  Thank you!     

Journal Entry for 28th December 2017
I really am smiling from ear to ear - it's so heart-warming to have such lovely replies from people and to feel the warmth and care that resounds in this forum.   

Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

Can I join in too?

[Hope67]

Glad to see you Decimal Rocket - and thanks for the hug - one back to you 

Journal Entry for 30th December 2017

I was a bit anxious last night.  I'd updated my software and it meant I ended up not being able to log into this forum - as I'd forgotten my password, and I ended up coming back here as Hope67 - but I am the same person - i.e. 'Hope'   

Another reason I was extra anxious was that events happened yesterday whereby I got a Christmas card from my sister, which made me feel some sense of guilt over the fact I've decided not to send any to her.  Also, I ended up getting a communication from her daughter - via social media - and she told me she was spending Christmas with my FOO (her Grandparents) - this made me feel really strange - I ended up feeling a horrible sense of 'futility' or maybe 'disappointment' - that my estrangement from my FOO has lead to my FOO reaching out and making contact with members of the family they had previously been estranged from - i.e. for years and years - and it's as if they can just 'replace' one member for another - without any thought for how that feels to the ones who have been replaced.

I realise it's not as simplistic as that - but it is bizarre. 

The result for me was that I woke this morning feeling 'as if' I'd been crying a lot in my sleep - I know this is possibly as I've woken before with very sodden bedclothes as a result of crying.  My partner told me that I'd been talking a lot in my sleep last night - but he couldn't remember what I'd said.  So clearly I was 'disturbed' by all of this.

I reacted on my 'feelings' about all of this - and basically there was part of me that felt relieved that my FOO had been 'with' someone over Christmas - but there was also part of me that thought - 'they don't care about me' - they have 'moved on' and 'replaced me'.  It's like it doesn't matter who the person is who replaces the need for narcissistic flow - and then I was thinking about how my niece must feel - she's not met her Grandparents until a couple of years back, she must hardly know them, and now she's invited for Christmas - and it's a lonely place she'll be staying in - isolating and far from young people for company. 

I've also been 'reflecting' more - as it's the end of 2017 - the final weekend of that year - and I wonder what 2018 has in store.

I am excited for the future though.  I feel that I have made progress in these past few years - and although it's hard - some days, some moments seem really challenging, I feel that I'm going to be ok. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

Another entry for 30th December 2017 (Part 2)

I feel very restless at the moment.  Like I don't know what to do with myself.  I've been writing in some people's Journals, and then I realise that my Inner Critic starts on me, saying 'What did you say?' 'Why did you say that?' - and I feel awkward about it, but I am glad I went and wrote those things, because I can, and I want to.

I've also been feeling uncomfortable for the fact I wrote about my niece, because basically I've never met her - not even once in my whole life - I didn't even know she existed till my sister told me (when I re-connected with my sister) - and my sister hasn't seen her niece for a few years now.  But my FOO (parents) have made contact with their Grand-daughter, and they apparently see her sometimes.  My niece contacted me a couple of times, but she's hardly said anything to me - quite bizarre how communication happens (or rather doesn't happen) in my FOO.

Basically each of them doesn't communicate properly with anyone - that is how it seems to me.  It is really weird.  Like some kind of dysfunctional web - very dark and difficult to work out.

I wonder if maybe she (my neice) will have a better relationship with my parents, than I did as their daughter.  She's a grown woman, so she should be able to hopefully cope and make her own decisions, but I think she is potentially a vulnerable person at the same time.  But of course I don't know.  I've never met her.

I've always idealised the idea of getting a card from my sister - to the extent of looking at cards in shop windows over the years - the ones with 'sister' on them, and wondering what it would be like to get a card from her, or to send one to her.  But the reality is - I can't establish a relationship with her, and now she's sent me a Christmas card, and I feel 'guilty' 'or bad' about that - because I've not sent one to her.  But honestly, I tried to establish a relationship with her, it is too difficult - I think I'd lose my sanity if I continued to try to communicate with her.

I think I need to focus myself - on what I would like 2018 to be like - and see if I can achieve some things that are meaningful and that will help me to move forward and get out of some of the more 'sticky' aspects - I don't think this is making much sense - as I write it.  But it's good to write something.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

actually, hope, it made a lot of sense to me.  i got the sense of the family environment you grew up in, the sense of how difficult communication has been (distorted and convoluted instead of straightforward) with member of your foo, and how, despite ICr guilt, you continue to hold on to your sense of self as most important.

lots of sense, hope.

sending a hug full of continued self 'sense' for the new year, wrapped in love, strength, and clarity.  you are doing so good!

[DecimalRocket]

I'm not that knowledgable about the nature of relationships and family and what to do with them, so I can't really comment on that.

Just hope you'll be okay and be able to solve the issue.

Take care, Hope. 

[Blueberry]

I think I need to focus myself - on what I would like 2018 to be like - and see if I can achieve some things that are meaningful and that will help me to move forward and get out of some of the more 'sticky' aspects - I don't think this is making much sense - as I write it. 

Makes sense to me! (Maybe not to your ICr.) Your goals for 2018 sound good to me 

You tried with your sister, you really tried. And I'm sure you really tried wiht M and F before you went NC. We here on OOTS don't go NC on a whim. There have been years of mess and years of us trying to make it better before we go NC (or VVVLC). But then NC or VLC ends up the only thing we can do, followed by increased focus on ourselves and on family-of-choice if we have one, which I don't. So focus on self! 

[Sceal]

It made sense to me too. And I think it is a wise move to try and focus on what you want out of the coming year. It is your life afterall, and it's a thing of growth to work towards finding meaning in your everyday life.

I hope it's okay that I give you a warm new years hug! 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic - thank you so much for the lovely hug and warm wishes - and I really appreciate the fact that you said that my goals make sense - and I'll hold onto the thought of nurturing my 'sense of self' into the New Year.  Here's to continued 'self sense' - that is meaningful and positive.   

Hi Decimal Rocket - thank you so much for your lovely comment - it means a lot - and I appreciate it.   

Hi Blueberry - thank you!  You've also validated my goals for the future in what you said, and that means a lot - thank you!  You're right, it is such a challenging process to go NC or VLC with FOO - and it would be unlikely for anyone to do that 'lightly' - we do it as a result of a range of factors and after a lot of thought.   

Hi Sceal - I really appreciate that lovely New Year's Day hug - thank you!    to you too, and thank you for popping by.

Journal entry for 1st January 2018
The New Year is here - and I am hopeful that it will bring some positive things.  I assume it will continue to bring some challenges and twists and turns, but I hope I have the strength and fortitude to navigate them, and that any choices to be made will be my own - i.e. I am capable of choosing how I react or how I respond to whatever occurs.  Most of all, I know I can come here - and find support, from people who truely understand. 

Wishing everyone a year that will be better, and whatever happens, that we'll cope with whatever comes our way.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

we shall cope, hope, cuz we've got each other and we're finally not alone in navigating these challenging waters we find ourselves in.  absolutely looking forward to a better 2018  with more strength, surety, confidence in ourselves, and healing love.  big hug to you, sweetie.

[Andyman73]

Hi Hope,
Happy New Year and new beginnings my dear friend. 

I only understand a little about family dynamics. In my own..we've been dysfunctional since the late 1880s, apparently. So...yeah, there's that. 

Lots of hugs for you, and DR too! And San and Blueberry and Everyone else not named who wants hugs.

Andy

[DecimalRocket]

Yes, may our new year be better. For a better self, a better life, and a better world.

Take care, Hope.