Hope66's Journal

[Sceal]

Hi Hope!
I just wanted to drop by and say Hi, and give you a hug I wish you a wonderful day.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic - thank you so much, you always say incredibly validating things to me, and it means a lot.  Thank you.  :-)

Hi Sceal - thanks for your lovely hug  and for wishing me a good day.  I appreciate it.

Journal Entry for 24th January 2018

I'm just still feeling grateful for the forum being back online - it means a lot.  It's like having a 'safe base' to come back to - and being able to read everyone's posts and re-connect with people, that's so great.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal entry for 3rd February 2018

Phew!  I got back here!  I had difficulty logging in earlier, and saw that Decimal Rocket did too - hope you've got in as well.  Not sure what happened earlier, but it seems to be fine now. 

I am going to try to transfer over one post that I did on the old forum - which was about 'Acknowledging different parts of me" - as I really valued that post and the replies I got, so I'll copy and post the replies too.  Hope that's ok.  I'll try to do it.  I'm going to put it in the 'Dissociation' section, as it seems appropriate there - from what someone said in their reply.  Helpful.   

Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

Hey Hope. Yes, I got in too. 

I guess a lot of us might repost our own important posts, huh? I don't see anything wrong with it - we get to keep our best insights and growths while whoever the IT person is can get some weight off his/her shoulders on moving each post here.

[Three Roses]

Hope, let us know if you have questions or trouble doing that, maybe we could help 

[Hope67]

Hi Decimal Rocket,
I am happy you got back in - lovely to see you here - and hope you're ok.    to you   

Hi Three Roses,
Thank you for offering to help - I have managed to transfer the post I wanted to keep hold of - and it was fine.  I'm not worrying about the other ones, I'll just start 'afresh' from now - just glad to have the forum back - and I think the people behind the scenes have done a great job in keeping it safe - and I feel sure that would have been hard work to do.  I appreciate the fact we're all able to get back here.  It's a relief.   

Journal Entry for 5th February 2018

I had a mixed weekend - ended up in a massive EF during a 'family visit' to my partner's family (so the equivalent of my 'in-law's' - but thankfully I managed to somehow 'cope' - although I felt at the time as if the whole room was staring at me - and I felt very 'small' and 'as if I wanted the floor to swallow me up'.  I did end up over-eating during the evening - and I was annoyed at myself for that - it's like I want to 'stuff down' the uncomfortable feelings - I guess it's yet another form of dissociating and coping - but I dislike it, and hope to find a different way to cope in future.

I do want to say that I managed to cope with returning to see a doctor (as I have a couple of issues I needed to address medically) and I had been almost phobic at the thought of seeing a new GP - as my old one had retired.  I managed to make myself go - I went by myself - I coped.  It was ok in the end.  I am soooooo relieved that I finally was able to face it and go.  I managed to be ok in the appointment as well - in that I didn't cry or get emotional, which is what I feared I would do.  I am relieved.  I feel I can go again another time now, if I need to, and it's not going to be so 'scary'. 

So, that's a good thing.

Hope 

[Sceal]

Hello Hope!
Sounds like you had quite a taxing and horrible week-end.  I am sorry you had to go through such a massive EF! They are never pleasant. I hope you are feeling better today in regards to the EF though?
I know full well the needing to "push down" emotions with food, and it never helps in the long run. I have managed to lessen it, but I don't quite know how, so I don't know how to help you  out with that.

And I just want to say, you did amazing going to a GP that you feared going to. That is a big step to take. I hope you are able to give yourself a big hug of accomplishment. If not, I hope it's okay I give you one?  You did well.

[sanmagic7]

i'm a stuffer, too, hope, so i can relate.  it's lessened over time and recovery, but it's still there.  most of the time (bob dylan - one of my favorite songs of his) i can keep it in check.  however, i'm now finding it easier on myself to just accept that there will be those times when i just reach for the food.  so be it.  it's seemed that the more i accepted it, the less often i've done it.  weird, huh?

congrats on the whole doc thing.  i relate to that as well.  i haven't even been back here a year, and i can't tell you how many docs i've had to see, how many tears i've shed in front of them, how emotional the whole of it has been.  i give you so much credit for going and getting thru it.  that's really great.

big warm gentle hug full of caring and love to you. 

[DecimalRocket]

Hi Hope.

I disappeared for a few days from a big EF too. I'm sorry you went through such a distressing time. I know how terrible it can be, so I hope you can take care of yourself, okay? Glad you're able to meet a doctor. Being able to trust someone to reach out takes massive guts, really, especially with our circumstances.

[Three Roses]

Yes, massive guts!!

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal - thank you so much for the  - I appreciate it, and your kind words about my EF - it has passed and I do feel a lot better today - I am pleased about that.  The ironic thing was that my 'MIL' (equivalent of my mother-in-law) phoned me the following day to 'apologise' - but she didn't apologise for the thing that had triggered my EF - it was something completely different that she apologised for - a very trivial thing infact - but it's made me think about how different events within a scenario can be perceived so differently by different people - for me, her particular behaviour had been so triggering, and for her, she'd been affected by a completely different part of the event - we all have our very different triggers.  Interesting to see that more clearly.   

Sceal - thanks for your comments about seeing my GP too - I did feel 'brave' - I had been avoiding it for so long.  I am so relieved that I finally got the courage to go, and that it was ok in the end.

Hi SanMagic - it's really interesting that you've found it easier to cope with your tendency to 'stuff' food by 'accepting' that you do it, and then the frequency has got less - that's good to hear - maybe I can learn from that and maybe it will become like that for me too - I hope so.  I'm glad it's a bit better for you though.  That is good.

Hi Decimal Rocket - so sorry that you've also experienced an EF - and hope you're ok after it.  I am feeling a lot better now - mine seems in the past, although I did ruminate about it quite a bit afterwards - it took me a few days to calm down and re-centre myself.  My MIL did apologise - but for something else that hadn't even bothered me at all.  I laugh about it now - I guess that's a good response.   Thanks also for your description of me having 'massive guts' about seeing the doctor - it took me soooo long to get to the point where I could force myself to go - but having gone, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  It was ok.

Hi Three Roses - Thank you!  "massive guts!" - I like it.   

Journal Entry for 7th February 2018
I am feeling more positive in myself than I've felt in a longish while - I hope this feeling will stay with me.  That's all I'll say about it, incase I 'jinx' myself.   
Hope 

[Three Roses]

I liked the term "massive guts" too, but just to give credit where credit is due, that one came from Decimal Rocket. 

[Hope67]

Yes, Three Roses, it's good to know who mentioned the 'Massive Guts' - and credit to Decimal Rocket for saying that - I like it too.   

Journal Entry for 8th February 2018
Feeling a bit 'restless' today.  As if I don't know 'what to do with myself' - hoping that I will feel calmer later - or sooner rather than later. 

I really would like to do some 'sorting out' of some clutter in my life - literally getting rid of some things I no longer need, and tidying and cleaning and things like that.  Somehow I feel that will help me to 'feel a bit better' - I am happy - but I feel like there is quite a lot of stuff that is 'in my way' and that I need to try to sort out.

But is that a way of procrastinating again - turning to 'sorting out' the physical things in my life, when infact I want to sort out the emotional stuff - and the baggage that I feel hangs heavy on me.

Maybe I'll try to divide my time and attend to different things - but what I fear is that I won't end up doing anything useful at all - and the time will just pass me by.  I don't want that to happen either.

I feel like I need to read another self-help book - but whether to re-read one that has helped me before, or to try to get hold of a new one.  I'm not sure. 

I feel sure I'll find a direction to go in, but right at this moment, I'm not sure which direction to go.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

sorting out, cleaning up clutter - those terms can be used on so many levels, can't they.  like you said, physical and emotional, could also be mental clutter.  i surround myself with clutter, physically.  little odds and ends here and there.  it may be backlash from living with my folks - my mother had no clutter at all, only one picture on the wall in the living room, nothing in any other room.  very sterile.

where i live now, the ll has lots of clutter, but it seems a bit contrived, like it's all for image's sake.  things just so, just the 'right' kinds of things, perfectly mismatched patterns - my d even commented on it, that it's uncomfy for her, not her style.

i think my mind gets more cluttered than anything.  it's taken a long time to even begin sorting through it, deciding what can stay, what needs to go. 

i don't doubt you'll figure out what direction is best for you to go in as you sort through all that's in your life.  it's just a very interesting concept to me.    we'll get there.  big hug, hope, with lots of tidiness among what needs tidying, love, and care.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic - I agree, thinking about what 'clutter' means - it's really interesting.  Thank you for your comments about it, and I always appreciate your replies - very meaningful and helpful to me.  Big hug to you too  and hope that we each get to be more comfortable with whatever is around us in our environments. 

Journal Entry for 9th February 2018
I received a letter today from a friend - someone I regard as a 'wise' and 'valued' friend - whose opinion I really appreciate - and her words in her letter made me very emotional - and I wanted to quote a couple of things she said, to 'hold onto' those words and treasure them - because they were so meaningful to me.

She wrote: "Your sister seems a difficult person and I think you have felt too much guilt for your family.  I wouldn't bother anymore and just enjoy the life you have and don't feel guilt or worry about them.  Your idea of enjoying your life.  Just leave them.  You have done more than most.  You are such a wonderful person and take too much in your heart."  Later in the letter she wrote: "Be at peace with yourself and stop feeling their guilt.  Noone would not ask about your life!  Very odd!" (the last statement refers to the fact I told her that my sister hadn't asked me about my life - despite us not having had any contact for over 40 years - and how my friend found that odd. 

I feel emotional, because I feel 'validated' by my friend's response.  I feel like she's right, about my holding onto someone else's 'guilt' - that of my FOO - I don't think I've done anything wrong myself, but I've been holding onto their 'guilt' and 'feeling it' and I know my friend is right that I should shake it off - put it down - leave it alone.

Whilst I feel emotional about this, I feel as if she's given me 'permission' to let go - and that's what me and many parts of me wanted to hear today. 

I am going to try to 'clear some clutter' (both emotional, and physical clutter) over the next few days - that's my focus as I look ahead to this weekend, and I hope I will achieve something in the next few days.

Hope