Kizzie's Journal

[dollyvee]

Hi Kizzie,

I'm sorry you're feeling like that and I do feel like that too. If you were in Ottawa when the convoy was there, I can imagine it would be difficult for anyone emotionally even if you didn't have a trauma background. Coping with that with a trauma background would be so much worse. I'm sorry if you had to go through that. 

I'm trying to focus on finding the "reasonable" solutions in the world. That there are people who are defending the rights of the people and not their own interests and checking the government when it oversteps its bounds; that 75% (?) of Canadians don't want those people in Ottawa and that they're actually being funded from alt right groups in the US. It makes me proud that people are standing up and saying we don't want that alt right garbage in Canada. People are mystified IMO by these people because things have gotten worse for a lot of people over time in the US with increasing economic divide and lack of proper education, and they are telling them what they want to hear. Also, Facebook shouldn't get away with what they're doing by curating the "information" through algorithms that people see and believe.

Anyways, rant aside, it is very much like being governed by bad NPD parents but there are other reasonable people out there who see these people for what they are and don't want to be governed by NPDs either. I'm finding it very difficult where I live right now in that people don't treat each other very nicely and the pandemic has been the biggest mess imaginable, but there are also glimmers of hope in the lawyers that are taking the government to court for the corrupt decisions they made. Will it be enough? I don't know. A lot of people still believe in the garbage he says. Maybe the government doesn't help us, but there are other people out there who do with things that aren't conventional either. Maybe wanting the government to be there for us is just an extension of wanting our parents to be there for us, and it's the same fantasy? But outside the fantasy we find we have the solutions?

With regards to the therapy, I think going out of the box really helped. My t is open to suggestions and EMDR has been helpful, but so has IFS and a kind of meditation which is essentially soul retrieval. It doesn't sound "normal" but it's been working so far and I'll see what happens. I'm sure you've made progress too. I've been looking at Pete Walker and his idea of "good enough" relationships. Maybe there is no fully cured but we have these "good enough" relationships?

It's a long post but I wanted to say that I get it and to hang in there. Hopefully people will begin to see things outside of their own beliefs and the humanity in other people again.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Kizzie]

So kind of all of you, thanks from the bottom of my heart.     I've been so reluctant to write about how I'm doing because I don't want to discourage anyone here but I am coming to see I need to be honest with myself and others.  I love that you get it and despite what you're struggling with take the time to offer support and care.  Tk you all.

I have moments when I'm OK, but still the panic sets in when I wake up and stays with me all day until around 5  when I have a meal and watch TV.  That seems to distract and calm me right through until morning and then it starts again. At least there is some reprieve from the anxiety.  I keep telling myself over and over I am safe and trying to look at the good things, the positives.  It's such a struggle to bring the anxiety down, to regulate. 

I have actually looked at all the stories and pictures of the police in Ottawa because it's absolutely what I need to see and take into my heart.  That Canada is a nation based on the rule of law, that there are loads of us who don't agree with the 'freedom' those involved in the convoys want, and also loads who see that this is an effort by the US right to infiltrate Canada.  It's been like living in an N home - all the noise N's make and the chaos/drama and after a while you can't think straight of feel any sense of calm. 

Having CPTSD means I don't have the resources the non-trauma population does to cope. When I'm exposed to N abuse it wears me down just like the N abuse did when I was a child and throughout most of my adult life until I went NC/LC.  It's all about regulation and I haven't gotten far enough along in that.  I am going back to therapy this week but I'm not feeling particularly positive about it at the moment. I really like my T but I don't have a whole lot of faith in available treatments right now.  I did go for EMDR when Trump got into power in the US and it helped so am going to discuss that with her.

Tk you again for sharing and sending support, it means a lot.

[sanmagic7]

thanks for letting this out, kizzie.  i hope it was helpful for you to do so.

the politics going on here in the u.s. are atrocious. i've never seen anything like this in all my years of being politically active.  it was no wonder to me that so many young men fled to canada during vietnam.  what's gone on in the u.s. has at times made me sick.

i like what you said about having c-ptsd and not being able to cope in the same way as non-traumatized people.  somehow that was comforting for me.  being a therapist, i often put more expectations on myself as far as getting thru things in a reasonable manner.  however, there really is no rhyme nor reason when it comes to trauma.  it plays by its own rules, punches under the belt, and walks away laughing. 

at my age, going on 75 this year, i find little hope that i will ever be 'normal'.  too much damage for too long, and not enough time ahead.  my T says she believes it can be done - i told her i'll keep coming back, but i'm only flying on her hope cuz mine is done.  i'm glad for you you'll be seeing your T again - mine is versed in EMDR and we utilize it frequently.  as a suggestion, see if she knows the 'flash' method.  it helps get one thru emotionally - charged memories/incidents/situations without the same pain being felt in real time.  it's helped me a lot and i've been able to make more progress than i would have thought possible.  (this method is available online - my T used the tutorial to train herself in it. maybe a shortcut, but i'm glad of it)

keep taking care of you as best you can, ok?  the state of mental health aid is poor, no doubt.  hopefully, some docs are coming around, even recognizing stress as a major player in physical symptoms.  just know you're not alone, kizzie.  we've got you.  love and hugs

[paul72]

Hi Kizzie
Hope you are doing well .. sending support and love your way today. 

[Kizzie]

Hi San and Phil - tks so much for your words of support   

I have start therapy again (ran out of insurance coverage in 2021) and we're going to do some targeted or focused EMDR. Just going thru safety and grounding.  I may also do a bit of CBT given I seem to be stuck in the world and people are unsafe mode. 
   
I also saw my GP and she upped my meds and is referring me to a psychiatrist so s/he can tweak my meds if need be and as needed.  Where I live you get one appointment to discuss meds and that's it, you are referred back to your GP.  Shortage of psychiatrists and funding like most everywhere.

Fingers crossed some/all of this helps.

Can't write here much at the moment but do appreciate your posts.

[Armee]

 

Take care of yourself as you adjust medications and restart therapy, Kizzie.

[Kizzie]

Tks Armee 

[Not Alone]

Kizzie, thank you for sharing and being honest. Your feelings and thoughts are important. You deserve to be heard and cared for.

[dollyvee]

Hi Kizzie,

Glad that you are receiving support from your T and going to try some more EMDR. These are things the child you couldn't do in your N home and you are taking care of yourself. Like Not Alone said, you deserve to be heard and your feelings are valid. You don't have to have all the answers for us here.

I know it might sound out there, but I've realized this week again what a huge impact gluten has had on me emotionally. Maybe the link between gluten and anxiety is something that you might find interesting.

Thanks for sharing,
dolly

[Kizzie]

Tks Not Alone and Dolly, I really didn't want to discourage anyone so kept this to myself mostly, but it needed to come out and I agree we should be able to share our doubts about recovery.  I do think now though that I am seeing things through a lot of anxiety right now and that colours my perceptions, leads me to darker thoughts than normal (versus darker thoughts leading to more anxiety).

The reason I say that is I went into my doc this past week and she, with the help of a psychiatrist colleague came to the conclusion it may be the SSRI I'm on that is causing me so much anxiety. Ironic. So I'm switching to a different one this week and a second med to see if that helps.  If it's the case that my anxiety reduces then it might also explain why I seem to be reacting to new medications for other things lately. (i.e., It isn't them, it's my SSRI.)   

Anyway, fingers crossed.  Meds are such a crap shoot. 

[sanmagic7]

you're right, kizzie, meds are a total crapshoot.  always an experiment.  fingers crossed you get to the bottom of this.

actually, it's been comforting to me to know you struggle with some of the same things i've struggled with, so thank you for your courage in posting about them here.  i've found emdr and talk therapy have been very helpful for me - sometimes i just need to get the poisonous thoughts out!  and have a cooler head steer me in a more stable direction.  best to you with it all.  it sounds like you're getting a lot of support from many different angles.  i like it.  love and hugs 

[Kizzie]

Tks San, I'm glad my being honest helped you and if much of what I have been going through is partially or fully a result of my meds, I do think that's helpful for others to know. 

We'll see how it goes. Fingers crossed as you say. 

[Hope67]

My fingers are crossed for you Kizzie 
Hope 

[Kizzie]

Tks Hope 

[dollyvee]

Hi Kizzie,

I hope the change in medication goes well, rooting for you 

dolly