Kizzie's Journal

[Jazzy]

Kizzie, I'm sorry you've been struggling recently, and that mother's day was so difficult because you were treated badly on the day you should have been treated special.

It's great that your H was there for you, and things are a bit better with your son. I fully agree with Armadillo, your son is lucky to have you, as are we!

Being able to be honest but also trying to repair ruptures like this are so much a part of recovery but IT IS SO HARD.

This is very wise, it's great that you are able to recognize it. Wishing you strength for your mind, and your finger. I'm glad you got a splint instead of a cast, and I hope healing continues to go well.

All the best to you! 

[Armadillo]

If it's ok I'll be sending you lots of mental support and hugs until you are able to talk with your son.

[Kizzie]

So my S and I talked yesterday and it was good.  We chose together not to go over the whole MD issue just yet but we definitely got back onto better ground - he was making an effort to be caring as was I. I slept in until 1030 this morning because I felt so relieved.    

In my FOO conflict was never resolved and I was always dysregulated/triggered for long periods until I felt safe enough again, usually after a lot of groveling/penance or enough time had passed.  It was only until I felt I was 'off the hook' that I could calm/regulate, but there was always residual anger/sadness and a feeling of hopelessness that I would never be heard, that I could never get angry without paying a huge price. 

Anyway, I think now when my son and I do talk about what happened we will be able to do it calmly and listen to each other with an open mind/heart.

Tks for being there for me everyone, I really do appreciate it 

[Hope67]

 
Really glad to hear that things went well, Kizzie.   
Hope 

[Jazzy]

That's so beautiful, that you guys could get back to a better place relatively quickly, even if all of the issues weren't dealt with. What a stark contract to your FOO, and that says so much more good about you and how you raised your son than I ever could.

[Armadillo]

Yay!!!!!!!! Yay! Yay! Yay!

I'm so glad you can breathe a little sigh of relief after talking with your son. You did a good job. Of course you'll want to revisit the MD incident and resolve that sometime and I think it is just so wise and healthy to take the repair at a good pace and not overwhelm either of you.  Honesty is so important and I am proud of you for being honest with your son about your needs.

[BeeKeeper]

Wow! So glad you were able to reach of safe caring conversational spot with your son. And sleeping as late as 10:30? Priceless. 

When my D and I have intermittent fall outs, I experience the same reactions. There's been a slight change though-sometimes we don't "revisit" things which caused a mutual retreat and hurt. Over time, we reconnect in ways that show there is new appreciation or understanding. A lot of it surprises me, shocks me even.  Willingness to "be there" is the unspoken affirming message you're sending.

So happy you've gotten the monstrous cast removed and typing is possible again. I hope your finger heals completely.

[Kizzie]

Tks everyone, your support means a lot, truly.

[Blueberry]

So my S and I talked yesterday and it was good.  We chose together not to go over the whole MD issue just yet but we definitely got back onto better ground - he was making an effort to be caring as was I.

So much good stuff in this one little paragraph! You're both doing the groundwork for getting back to the MD issue w/o overwhelming either of you.

Anyway, I think now when my son and I do talk about what happened we will be able to do it calmly and listen to each other with an open mind/heart.

It sounds that way Kizzie! Both of you deciding not to go too far as yet, deciding together instead of one of you deciding over the other. 

In my FOO conflict was never resolved and I was always dysregulated/triggered for long periods until I felt safe enough again, usually after a lot of groveling/penance or enough time had passed.  It was only until I felt I was 'off the hook' that I could calm/regulate, but there was always residual anger/sadness and a feeling of hopelessness that I would never be heard, that I could never get angry without paying a huge price. 

This sounds pretty similar to my FOO. There was no wish to resolve conflict, certainly not fairly. I'm so happy you have a FOC where you and they can try out and use healthier methods of conflict resolving! That reflects back on you too Kizzie because you've been showing your H and your S the way. 

[sanmagic7]

i'm lending my support and care and a whole lot of gentle to you.  so very sorry for your struggles. 

i totally understand the idea about not getting angry cuz it comes back tenfold - been there too many times.  i'm glad you were able to speak with your son and things seem smoother.  love and hugs, kizzie, always.

[Kizzie]

Catching up on the recent bout of anxiety I am through it and realize that it was the Ambien I was taking that really exacerbated my CPTSD symptoms.  I won't ever take it again that's for darn sure, it was truly awful and I never want to feel that scared again.

On the 'plus' side I now realize how distorted my thinking can be. Looking back I wasn't being abandoned and rejected as I thought, my S was mired in his own depression. (He sent a card for me with a card for his F on Father's Day and it was really lovely so he's in there and he does love me.)  I can see that now that I am back to being regulated, but I couldn't because of the layers of abandonment and rejection that rise up and dysregulate me, this time to the nth degree because of the Ambien building up in my body.

I am going to hold onto this new found understanding of just what those layers can cause me to think and feel and hopefully that will help me when I trigger next time. Those feelings and beliefs are through the eyes of a terrified child who was alone, unsafe and unloved. 

[laurels]

First time visiting here so I'm not completely up to date, but congratulations on your discovery, even if it was terribly unpleasant. Now you know! And yes to the terrified child feelings - that is my main way of identifying I'm triggered - when the emotions cause a life-or-death panic I almost get a record-scratch feeling of "wait.. what?" Luckily we're adults now, we're not completely dependent on the goodwill of others for our survival and well-being. The circumstances are different, we have way more control, and we will survive and thrive, even if we sometimes feel alone <3 It's not the same anymore.

[BeeKeeper]

Kizzie,

Thanks for sharing your Ambien story. It's a helpful warning & I think there's a lot to be gained from this as a cautionary tale. 

Getting a card with the F's Day card is so sweet, I know the warm and fuzzies it brings. 

[Jazzy]

Hi Kizzie,

Your post here is very powerful, especially with the particular language you use, both emotional and logical, in order to express the impact the ambien had on you. I'm sorry you had to go through that. It is a fresh re-traumatization, which is certainly not helpful!

I'm glad you are feeling better now and have learned what the problem was, to ensure it never happens again. It's also great how you have learned and found a positive in this awful experience! Your positivity is very encouraging to me, and I appreciate it a lot. 

I'm glad things are looking up with your S as well, that is excellent news!

--

Something I've come to truly understand recently is how important it is to use people's preferred name. It is a simple yet powerful way to express respect and consideration. I like to decorate names here, because I could certainly use more respect and consideration in my life, and I'm sure it is the same for many others.

Based on this, would you like me to colour your name as well? If so, which colour would you like? It can be any colour you want!

<3 Jazzy

[Armadillo]

 

I'm so glad there's a good explanation for the extraordinary symptoms you were experiencing and that you figured out the cause and could lessen the suffering. And so  that your S came through on F's day for you.