Kizzie's Journal

[dollyvee]

Someone pointed out that they saw the inner critic as a tool , something they adapted in order to survive and I thought that was a really good way to look at it. It's a conundrum for sure 

[Kizzie]

Tks DV, I can see it as a tool or strategy a bit more as I 'notice' and ponder it. I looked up the saying "beat someone to the punch" and it is thought to be a boxing term in which you win by being the one to punch the other guy before they can punch you. 

The idea that shame helps to make me invisible and therefore less likely to be criticized/humiliated/attacked by others resonates. I can remember times when someone has done this and it has sent me into an EF. It feels like my feet have been knocked out from under me, and worse, like I have been psychologically/emotionally shattered. It is not this bad when my ICr does the job.

I remember one of the early instances that must have given birth to my ICr. I must have been 5 or 6 and my F had been away and when he opened the car trunk I saw there were some presents - a skipping rope was one.  I said something about them being for me and he replied something to the effect that "why would I think those are for you?", not jokingly but  in a "you're a selfish little girl" and "do you really think you deserve these?" kind of way.  I remember how ashamed and shrunken I felt.

I can see/feel why I would not want to feel that again and why I would want to beat others, especially important others, to the punch.   

[Not Alone]

Session with C on Thurs was interesting.  We talked about my inner critic and shame - I didn't know what to make of the fact that I knew I had been really supportive of my H during his stroke but got angry not only at him for seeming not to appreciate that, but at myself.  Why would I be angry at myself when I knew I had done so much to help my H? 

We ended up on the thought that it's a defense mechanism I use to "beat everyone else to the punch".  That is, before anyone can shame/blame me (for not being a good enough wife, for being angry at this poor man who had a stroke), I do it to myself because it packs less of an emotional punch and I am in control of who does the blaming and shaming. 

Shaming myself helps me to become invisible so no-one else can shame/blame me.  And I did feel very vulnerable and exposed and then did retreat so I think this mind bending explanation has some legs.   

We ended off on the note "What we resist, persists" which has to do with letting that part of me come more into awareness and noticing it, being curious about it versus trying to challenge it, get rid of it, cast it out before I've emotionally come to terms that it/I was trying to protect myself, to survive the terror of being abused and unsafe as a kid.

It's a bit tricky because on the one hand it is the internalized voices of my parents,  but it is also a protective part of me so there needs to be recognition and acceptance of it, why it exists, the pain and terror of being shamed and abandoned it took to internalize it.   

My situation is a bit different because I have DID, so my critical Parts are more separate, but I think the principles are similar. My T has helped me to see those Parts, not as "bad guys," but Parts that are trying to protect. Those Parts are from a messed up childhood, so the methods the Parts or critic uses may not be healthy, but their goal is a good one---to protect. In your case, the critical part of you is trying to protect you from others shaming and blaming you. The only way that critical part knows how to do that is to "beat everyone else to the punch" and then you are in control of who is blaming/shaming. (When you look at it, it really was a brilliant strategy for a young child to create and implement.) That young protective part doesn't have the knowledge or skills to protect by putting up boundaries and not taking on self-blame that doesn't belong.

I am finding this approach, as opposed to getting rid of &/or silencing the critic, to be kind. It is bringing real healing to the wound instead of putting on a bandaide and covering it up.

[Blueberry]

Kizzie, I have an image of a little girl gone all quiet and shrunken. If a hug feels good, I'll give her one. But maybe she needs to hear that it's normal to feel excited about presents and it's normal to say something in your excitement when you're only 5 or 6. I think her dad was being really mean that day. I'm sorry that happened to her. Maybe you've told her all that already, but it's not bad to hear it again.

My T invites me to be curious about my reactions, so your T's approach sounds similar. I'm just babbling, don't have the wherewithal.  to Adult you and Little Kizzie if it's helpful to her.

[dollyvee]

Why shouldn't your little self think that skipping rope was for her? I'm sorry that you were shamed for such a natural impulse 

Sounds like your making some really good insights about how it's working in you 

[Kizzie]

Tks DV, BB and NA    The example of the skipping rope may seem innocuous to anyone who hasn't suffered from emotional trauma, little T trauma (and it did feel like I was oversensitive, misunderstanding my parents intentions), but they are not. They are meant to cut you down to size, to remind you of how little and small you are.  They are most definitely not the words/tone of voice a loving parent uses.  He could have said, "Yes my darling they are for you because you are a sweetheart" ... but he didn't. 

It was death by a thousand cuts to the healthy, happy little girl I should have been.  Terribly sad 

[Kizzie]

Reading a book "Traumatic Narcissism" by Daniel Shaw (2014)  and this para resonated with me and what my T and I have been talking about in terms of getting to know that ICr part of me, that it persecutes to protect:

We can help the patient develop an internal dialogue between his "protector/persecutor" self and the self that wants to live, with creativity and freedom; then the protector self can cease to be afraid of being alive, of loving and being loved. He can relax his vigilance and feel confident that the creative self will be okay. (p. 115)

I think I may be better able to do this now based on the abyss I stared into in the months since my H's stroke.  I felt much of the deep fear and pain I have been trying to avoid and came out the other side. Knowing I can look at it, feel it and come through it now as an adult hopefully means I can have the kind of dialogue Shaw is suggesting as a goal in treatment. 

[Kizzie]

So fell and tripped in the wee hours the morning after Mother's Day and both dislocated and fractured my baby finger.  Got a ridiculously large half/cast put on for a week and could not type or do much - dominant hand unfortunately - just got a much smaller splint made so can do most things now. 

On top of that had a set to with my son. Mother's Day my son had phoned but was not exactly loviong and at one point got kind of surly about something I had asked him. Later in the week he phoned and I was quite frank about being hurt and he did not receive that gracefully. It kind of felt like my NB picking apart what I was saying instead of listening to me about what I was feeling and making it seem like I should not feel a certain way. Things escalated and went on from there to other things like him not being there for his Dad when he had a stroke last Aug through to now or me as I was trying to deal with all the fallout from that.

He was definitely dealing with a lot in his own life -struggling in 1st year medicine , being locked down with COVID and increasing depression.  I told him I understood of course but that relationships are reciprocal and I had been there for him throughout despite what his F and I were going through. I was honest because he was doing much better - took a leave of absence from med school, started on an SSRI and was going to therapy as well as receiving support from the university/med program staff/faculty.

On MD I just felt so unappreciated and like I did with my H as he was getting through his stroke - taken for granted with no real understanding that I too was dealing with a lot while still providing support, love and encouragement to them both.  I let him know that being pleasant and making a bit of an effort on Mother's Day was not too much to ask.  Our conversation escalated and ended with him hanging up on me.

Since then I have reached out to let him know I was sorry if anything I said had hurt him and that perhaps we can try and talk things through once we've both had some time.  I don't know how that will go but he does seem open to that least and has said he loves me and is okay.  In my original family me being honest about my feelings would result in retaliation/silent treatment/a smear campaign and I have to admit I was really, really triggered thinking this would play out the same way.

Being able to be honest but also trying to repair ruptures like this are so much a part of recovery but IT IS SO HARD. It would be impossible in my original family, I would have had to apologize, grovel even.  And of course I would be the bad, selfish daughter to extended family and friends, my covert N M would make sure of that. My son accepting my invitation to talk and repair things between us means I have not failed although for a day or two I sure felt that way.  My Inner Critic had a field day while part of me was saying "No it's okay to be angry and ask for better treatment for yourself."  Between that and this whole finger thing it has been quite a long week or so to say the least.

[Hope67]

Dear Kizzie,
I read what you wrote, and wanted to send you a hug of support, as currently my words fail me to construct something helpful to say, apart from extending a hug of support 

I can see you were trying to repair the rupture, and I think you did well to do that.  Like you said, a contrast with your original family. 

I hope that your baby finger recuperates well.  You did well to type what you wrote with the big cast on it.

Take care,
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Dear Kizzie,

I read your post as well. Too tired to say anything constructive but sending empathy 

[Armadillo]

(((((Kizzie))))))

The one who helps everyone else.

You've had a lot on your plate. A LOT. And so has your son it sounds like. And see this is so beautiful that you both were feeling hurt and wounded and could safely share that with the other. You've built a different family than the one you grew up in and your son is learning too how to care for himself and you are teaching him how to honor and care for you.

The most important part of reconciling is helping each other feel heard and understood and respected. So that takes both listening with empathy and reflecting what the other is feeling AND sharing how you are feeling. This is what you are doing with your son despite how triggering it was for you. He's lucky to have you. 

[woodsgnome]

I hope it's alright just to do this --  .

I can directly relate to the broken finger and the huge cast -- happened to me twice, was an untimely nuisance but over time has healed. Hoping your injury progresses to a more healthy level.

The other similarity was your remarks per the FOO dysfunction blocking those communications. I'm also keenly aware of that which totally destroyed any semblance of 'family' for my life. I only have a distant sibling but I think she also has learned what my boundaries are (I don't care if she fully understands, though it would be nice) but it was hard to ever get this across 'til a surprise phone call from her a few weeks past.

I don't have the current family situation you refer to, I'm totally alone (a Walker-style 'freeze) but I did note your reference to how you, and your son, are both at least showing signs of a willingness to patch up some of the hurt. I hope this continues for each of you, as a growth process and not a permanent injury needing a metaphorical cast to repair the emotional hurt.

Please take good care. And, while I'm here, thank you for all you do for this forum and for those of us wandering about on it.

[BeeKeeper]

Being able to be honest but also trying to repair ruptures like this are so much a part of recovery but IT IS SO HARD

You did it anyway. I echo Blueberry's observation that "He's lucky to have you." He will never know the pain and hurt that you've endured and what a gift that is. He won't know the awful feelings of having his parents crush his excitement and sense of worth. He won't know stonewalling and ultimatums from you.

The energy and courage it takes to pursue recovery and sit with all the feelings it brings up is (IMO) one of the hardest things we can do. You're a light to many. Best wishes for your continued healing of your finger.

[Kizzie]

Tks so much everyone, it reiterates for me why OOTS is so important for all of us, myself included.  We can talk about things here we can't anywhere else and receive understanding, support and encouragement.  I sure need that right now.

Feeling depressed because my son and I have not talked directly and the ghosts and demons are running in my head again.  I did talk to my H and he was there for me so that helps me to sort through what I own, what my S owns and what I can do/say to repair the rupture.  Will try a phone call with my S hopefully this weekend. 

[Kizzie]

PS - Have gone from that ridiculously large half cast/splint to a sleek finger splint they made at the hospital for me the other day. MUCH better and can type again thankfully.