Idea for a Thread | Times we've Been Glad we Stayed Alive / Reasons to Live

[samantha19]

hey,

I've been struggling  recently. I won't get into it too much but I'd like to be more at peace as opposed to constantly struggling. II thought it might be nice to start a threat on times we have felt glad we stayed alive, or for times we felt the sunshine shone a whole lot brighter, and we were just glad to have stuck around through the hard times for this.
I'll start:

I had just begun a new job and I was struggling with avoidance, as I had barely attended college and just not went in whenever my mental health was bad. I had been strongly suicidal, with intent, at this point but I managed to make myself go in to work anyway and I had a decent enough day. Afterwards, I was struck by many realizations - that I could socialize with people, that every moment of that day was something I wouldn't have experienced had I died and the negative, long-term beliefs I had about my life and myself had been proven wrong in several ways.

I read a book and relaxed on the bus home, something I had struggled to do for a long time due to depression, and I felt genuinely hopeful and happy. I was so glad I had stuck around so I could know that my bad thoughts were not all true, it was a revelation. I felt like my perception had shifted, because I had been shown another way, my negative beliefs I had were not all true.

I know that doesn't sound like a massively happy experience, but it just was, it just felt good for things to shift a little in a more positive direction.

Feel free to share your more happy moments / things you're grateful for / anything that gives you meaning, joy or purpose.

[Dutch Uncle]

At the moment I don't have a story to share. But that won't stop me from giving a big  for the idea of starting this thread. And you doing so! 

[Jewel]

I second Dutch Uncle--really glad you started this thread.   

I, too, have struggled at times with staying in life.  It's not that I don't see value in life.  It's more that, in my early 50s and still fairly newly coming to grasp with abuse that began in early infancy, I'm just EXHAUSTED from the efforts of living--and generally overwhelmed by the tasks before me of cleaning up the huge messes I made in my life from unconsciously dealing with the abuse.  I'm also really tired of living a life in which no one close me understands what I experienced and how that affected me.  I'm coming to accept that that simply likely will never be a reality and I'm beginning to make peace with that.

I think I've continued to stay in life because I want to see what I'm made of.  I want my story to have a happy ending, even if that ending is so far from what it "could" have been had I not been abused.  There's also a part of me--a fighter, who I'm coming to love--that simply doesn't want to let who abused me WIN, which is what will happen if I take myself out of life.  So I keep going.  Because I'm here.  And that has to be enough (even if I have to talk myself into it some days). 

Thanks again for the thoughtful thread. 

Peace, friends.

[samantha19]

aw, I'm glad you guys like the idea

I really relate to that Jewel. A big motivator for me is also to not let my abusers win. My ex boyfriend told me he hoped I would commit suicide, and ironically, this motivates me intensely in sticking around.
Well done for sticking in and fighting through. You do deserve to live, and find that happier tomorrow <3

[pam]

I don't have a specific story, but every time I ever felt like killing myself, within 24 hours I always said to myself, "I'm sure glad I didn't do it!" because something good always happened the next day. Once it was just a good feeling I had just driving in the sun. Amazing how quickly feelings can change, and I always remembered that. 

[Jewel]

Thanks, Samantha, for your kind words.  I cherish them.  And I hope you'll remember that you deserve to be in this life, too.  None of us asked for what we received.  And none of us deserved ANY of it, not a nanosecond of it.  I've read a number of your posts today (just joined the site today) and I'm taken by your insights and your strength.  The world needs your voice, both those of us who've suffered abuse and who are figuring out how to be in this world, and those who've had more "charmed" (non-abusive) lives, who simply need the presence of your insight and compassion.  So keep keepin' on, sister.

Pam, thanks for your thoughts--love the reminder of cherishing life in the simplest moments, moments of beauty.

Peace, friends.

[GettingThere]

I think this is a great idea for a thread!  Every time I hug my dog, I think of how happy I am that I stayed alive long enough to get her.

[betamax524]

I was suicidal for at least 3 years, but I've always kept myself going through sheer stubbornness and an appreciation for the smaller things. Here's a short list of things I live for :~)

• Watching sunsets
• Listening to my favorite songs
• Getting to wear my nice pyjamas on cold days
• Making friends with cats
• Good food!

[Jewel]

Love the list, Betamax!  That reminded me of one of the things I love most in the universe--to dance!  I love it like I love to breathe.  Your list brought that to mind, so thanks.

2015 was my worst year.  I thought of suicide more than any other time in my life.  But like another poster said, I think part of what keeps me going is sheer determination.  I can get so down that I can't see any positive outcome to my story, but there's a part of me who always thinks that if I don't stay, I'll never know what could have been possible, what I could have made of my life.  So I keep going.

[samantha19]

Thanks so much Jewel.
Hearing that really helps me feel more purposeful, and makes me happy :-) I love to use my voice for the good.
Thanks for all the replies everyone, they're all good and well done for keeping on keeping on <3
I faced my social anxiety quite largely today. It was good. It really fills you with a nervous delight. Makes me smile every time I do it and the outcome is good (which it so often is). Here's to more of those moments!

[Jewel]

Hey, Samantha.  I'm really glad you use your voice--I've gotten a lot out of your posts.  And I really appreciated your comment about facing your social anxiety "largely."  I loved the feel of that.  I don't have social anxiety but I do have other anxieties--and am going to remember to "face them largely."  There's the feel of courage in that for me.  So thanks.

Peace.

[Wildfire]

aw, I'm glad you guys like the idea

I really relate to that Jewel. A big motivator for me is also to not let my abusers win. My ex boyfriend told me he hoped I would *, and ironically, this motivates me intensely in sticking around.
Well done for sticking in and fighting through. You do deserve to live, and find that happier tomorrow <3

My ex said that too . * them and their distorted mindsets. I'm new here, it's so validating just reading other people's posts.

I find meditating, like writing, helps to clear the fog and moves you from the emotional right brain, back to the left.

[papillon]

This is a great idea for a thread!

2016 has been rough for me. I just started addressing my past in the Fall of last year, so I've been in an intense place emotionally.

After my second time feeling actively suicidal this year I was really spooked. I spiral so quickly and can't remember any reasons to live when I'm in that frame of mind. Like someone else said, within a few days I'm usually so thankful that I didn't do anything drastic, because circumstances are always changing. "This too shall pass."

I do have reasons to be hopeful, but I can't trust myself to remember them when in darkness... So I started a note on my phone called "GOOD PILE". I can look back at this when I'm feeling down and even if I can't emotionally connect to it in the moment, I know without a doubt that those things are important to me and are reasons to continue on.

It's everything from big life events to compliments from friends, to simple pleasures I enjoy. I would encourage each of you to keep a similar list!

Here's a few of mine:

Coming across an unexpected beach on a long bike ride and digging my toes into the sand, while playing with some friendly strange dog. It was a magical and peaceful moment.

Burning scented candles (wasn't allowed to do this in FOO)

Seeing the sunrise.

The satisfaction of a well-organized spreadsheet.

Lavender baths.

Dancing at my best friend's long-awaited wedding.

A neatly-folded sock drawer.

Best to all 

[Three Roses]

What a great idea for a thread! Cuddling with my rescued dog, watching hummingbirds at their feeder, being silly with my son... these things all fill me with a sense of gratitude.

[featherfalling]

I agree with everyone, this thread is an awesome idea! 

For me, it's things like walking or sitting in bright sunshine and feeling that warmth on my skin, or petting my kitties.  Also hugging my partner close.