C-PTSD a full time job

[Alexandra]

Hello; I grow up with a single parent , my mother had both NPD and schizophrenia , she was extremely violent, and unstable, I was locked in the apartment, staring at age 5 , I finally escaped in my 20's ,my mother stalked me, it took 9 years to get her out of my life. I sleep a few hours at a time, wake-up check the apartment to be sure I am alone and safe, I do not wear button down shirts, jewelry, or scarves, I have a startle response, social anxiety etc., I find handling  C-PTSD, to be full time job, I am careful what I tell people, a couple of friends know, something ,however, I do not reveal anything graphic to them .I find that there  is an aura  of goodness ,around Mother , that people are unwilling to accept how violent a mother can be , the acceptance  of fathers as abusers yes, mothers  no. Thank you

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. I'm glad you found us. I agree CPTSD is a full time job - but it does get easier to manage as we learn more and expand our toolbox.

I also agree that society as a whole finds it difficult to accept that mothers can be abusers - and many people with NPD can be very superficially charming, which does not help. Most people who meet my mother think she is a lovely person at first.

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum 

[Alexandra]

Hello ; I do not know about others with C-PTSD, my mother made me feel like there was something wrong with me, for have any response to the violence ,I was made to feel guilty for being upset , having just started reading  about others with C-PTSD, makes me feel, more normal, my reactions are a normal response to the violence. Alexandra

[Blueberry]

I was wondering by the age of 7 what was wrong with me. Our FOOs lead us to think there's something wrong with us, but actually there's something wrong with them and the whole family dynamic. It's not on us, we were just trying our best to navigate it.

Good on you for realising so soon that your reactions were a normal response to the violence. Somebody like an author on trauma refers to cptsd as a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

[Hope67]

Welcome Alexandra 

[dollyvee]

Hi Alexandra,

I'm sorry that you've been through so much and that it's taking its toll on you. My own m had agressive/violent tendencies though not to the degree that you experienced. It's a lot to go through from such a young age. I hope you find what you need here. 

Sending you support,
dolly

[Kintsugi62]

Alexandra, I am touched by your honesty, and I can understand, to some degree of course. My birth father was the abuser BUT my birth mother knew all about it and didn't seem to mind that he would have his way with any of his children. As a matter of fact, my whole family knew he was a sexual predator and looked the other way. I am a mother and I don't understand allowing your children to get hurt, to me I think that is the most unnatural thing in the world.
I want to welcome you here and tell you that there is no judgement here, only understanding.

[Kizzie]

Hi Alexandra and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm 

I'd wager to say that most of here if we were abused by our parents were made to feel it was our fault somehow.  When you think about it though it's ridiculous that children would have that much power. There's a saying here (courtesy of Dr. Christine Courtois) that it's not us, it's what happened to us, meaning the only responsibility belongs to perpetrators. Once we learn that we tend to put the responsibility back where it belongs and gradually let go of the guilt and shame that was foisted on us.

I hope that being here helps you do so.

 

[Alexandra]

Hello; I want to thank the folks who responded to my post, this is the first chance I have had to talk to others with C-PTSD, Thanks Kizzie, I never thought about how ridiculous it is that I ,a child would that much power to cause  all that violence,done to me ,and to go further, as a child my mother demanded I be her mother,  I did not have that power either. One of the issues with my mother with NPD, is that she would gaslight me, and she also lied about her life, to make herlook good ,or be the victim ,sometimes I could find the holes in her lying felt creepy to me.