C-PTSD a full time job

[Alexandra]

Hello; I grow up with a single parent , my mother had both NPD and schizophrenia , she was extremely violent, and unstable, I was locked in the apartment, staring at age 5 , I finally escaped in my 20's ,my mother stalked me, it took 9 years to get her out of my life. I sleep a few hours at a time, wake-up check the apartment to be sure I am alone and safe, I do not wear button down shirts, jewelry, or scarves, I have a startle response, social anxiety etc., I find handling  C-PTSD, to be full time job, I am careful what I tell people, a couple of friends know, something ,however, I do not reveal anything graphic to them .I find that there  is an aura  of goodness ,around Mother , that people are unwilling to accept how violent a mother can be , the acceptance  of fathers as abusers yes, mothers  no. Thank you

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. I'm glad you found us. I agree CPTSD is a full time job - but it does get easier to manage as we learn more and expand our toolbox.

I also agree that society as a whole finds it difficult to accept that mothers can be abusers - and many people with NPD can be very superficially charming, which does not help. Most people who meet my mother think she is a lovely person at first.

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum 

[Alexandra]

Hello ; I do not know about others with C-PTSD, my mother made me feel like there was something wrong with me, for have any response to the violence ,I was made to feel guilty for being upset , having just started reading  about others with C-PTSD, makes me feel, more normal, my reactions are a normal response to the violence. Alexandra

[Blueberry]

I was wondering by the age of 7 what was wrong with me. Our FOOs lead us to think there's something wrong with us, but actually there's something wrong with them and the whole family dynamic. It's not on us, we were just trying our best to navigate it.

Good on you for realising so soon that your reactions were a normal response to the violence. Somebody like an author on trauma refers to cptsd as a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

ETA: That somebody who first said it was Victor Frankl, a psychiatrist and concentration camp survivor who went on to do healing work with others and who wrote the book "Man's Search for Meaning". However according to my google research rn, his idea has become a "cornerstone" of trauma-informed care, so quoted often from various sources to trauma survivors. 

[Hope67]

Welcome Alexandra 

[dollyvee]

Hi Alexandra,

I'm sorry that you've been through so much and that it's taking its toll on you. My own m had agressive/violent tendencies though not to the degree that you experienced. It's a lot to go through from such a young age. I hope you find what you need here. 

Sending you support,
dolly

[Kintsugi62]

Alexandra, I am touched by your honesty, and I can understand, to some degree of course. My birth father was the abuser BUT my birth mother knew all about it and didn't seem to mind that he would have his way with any of his children. As a matter of fact, my whole family knew he was a sexual predator and looked the other way. I am a mother and I don't understand allowing your children to get hurt, to me I think that is the most unnatural thing in the world.
I want to welcome you here and tell you that there is no judgement here, only understanding.

[Kizzie]

Hi Alexandra and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm 

I'd wager to say that most of here if we were abused by our parents were made to feel it was our fault somehow.  When you think about it though it's ridiculous that children would have that much power. There's a saying here (courtesy of Dr. Christine Courtois) that it's not us, it's what happened to us, meaning the only responsibility belongs to perpetrators. Once we learn that we tend to put the responsibility back where it belongs and gradually let go of the guilt and shame that was foisted on us.

I hope that being here helps you do so.

 

[Alexandra]

Hello; I want to thank the folks who responded to my post, this is the first chance I have had to talk to others with C-PTSD, Thanks Kizzie, I never thought about how ridiculous it is that I ,a child would that much power to cause  all that violence,done to me ,and to go further, as a child my mother demanded I be her mother,  I did not have that power either. One of the issues with my mother with NPD, is that she would gaslight me, and she also lied about her life, to make herlook good ,or be the victim ,sometimes I could find the holes in her lying felt creepy to me.

[TheBigBlue]

Welcome Alexandra 
I'm really glad you're here.

Reading your posts, I just wanted to say you're not alone in that kind of confusion and self-blame. My situation was different on the surface: my father was the narcissistic one, and for most of my life I believed my mother was the "safe and loving" parent. It's only very recently, after diagnosis and therapy, that I'm starting to see how much I was responsible for her emotional state from a very young age, and how impossible that position actually was.

What I'm beginning to understand is that there was no real solution - no way to "get it right." The only option that allowed me to survive and preserve a connection was to adapt by fawning, by giving up myself. Seeing that now is both clarifying and really hard.

I'm really glad you're here and sharing this with people who understand. 💛

[Alexandra]

Hello; Thank you TheBigblue, it feels so nice to be welcomed, and understood. I know what you mean about there being no way to get it right , I did whatever ,it took to survive,since the situation was so unstable that varied, it seems to me from knowing other people who lived normal lives that, they believe that there are things they would never do, I know better, it took me a long time however ,I have forgiven myself ,for doing what I had to, to survive. I had to be a machine for so long that, I stopped feeling like a human being, or frankly,even  liked being one, my dream was to be Mr. Data on Star Trek the next generation, he was an android he was much stronger than humans, so no one could mess with him, and he had no feelings , which for me anyway, were a handicap in dealing with the violence , perhaps other people had a similar experience ?

[GoSlash27]

 Alexandra,
 I'm absolutely blown away as I sit here reading what you have described. It mirrors my experience so fully that I could have written it myself! 
 Minor variations in details but yes! So much this!!
 Welcome aboard, Mister Data. You are among friends here.
 Best,
-Slashy

[Alexandra]

Hello GoSlash27 ; Wow, you felt the same way, it seems that each of us is alone going through ,the abuse, so we do not know lots of other children are going through the same, I felt like a freak, it was hard going to school and seeing other children from good homes. I know feelings are part of being human, and have there uses, however, with all the painful negative ones I have experienced and have to deal with ,when I have as I call them " one of my attacks", feelings feel like a real burden to me. I will not be specific, in addition to being treated cruelly  , I was forced into doing acts of cruelty, I was wondering if others had this experience?

[GoSlash27]

Alexandra,
 I wasn't "alone" as you describe it. I had siblings, all of whom were affected (or destroyed) by it. And I can't say I was ever "forced" into acts of cruelty. I'd call it "doing what I needed to". 
 Our traumas are surprisingly similar, but still unique.
 Your recounting of a narcissistic, manipulative schizo mother, locking you in an apartment, irrationally violent, always convincing everyone *she's* the victim even as she abuses you, then stalking you for years...
 Yep. All checks out.  You felt like you were "alone" before. Now you know that you're not. Apparently our mother is a more common archetype than many realize.
 Anyway... I won't hijack your intro thread. Just want you to know that you're not alone after all.
 Best,
-Slashy