C-PTSD a full time job

[Alexandra]

Hello ; Last night I had a nightmare , I woke up, in a sweat ,with my heart racing , so to day will be one of my bad days, I will take it easy ,and take a nap on the couch, since after a nightmare I feel scared of my bed, but safe on my couch. I am speechless with how tired I am with dealing with C-PTSD, it was bad enough to live through all that violence ,my fantasy is to just walk away , but trauma is like a ball and chain ,that, I have to live with ,trauma has consequences, I just have to deal with them , sigh. I hope you folks understand, as I assume you have nightmares as well. Thank You

[dollyvee]

Hey Alexandra,

I've been reading your posts here and I want to acknowledge what you're saying about how you've chosen to handle your trauma and the remnants of it that still lives inside of you. I feel like I spent a long time trying to fix me, to be a different person, or felt like I had to BE a different person, and that somehow who I was wasn't good enough. So, I applaud you for coming to the conclusion that it's not something you're trying to escape and be free of, but rather helping to integrate a part of you.

I don't know if you've read much about IFS, but it deals with exploring and integrating different parts of ourselves. Sometimes we have managers that want to seek perfection for example, so we never have to feel the parts of us that were hurt. But the purpose of IFS is not to relive the trauma, but listen to what the parts of us are trying to say. I also think that as I have reflected on on myself and my responses in therapy, trying different things (IFS and NARM) as well as exploring attachment theory, generational trauma, helping my physical health and it's impact on my mental well being) and dissociation recently, I have found that I have more space around my emotional responses ie is this coming from adult or child consciousness? Being able to write out things on this forum has also helped a lot.

It's hard to have a mother that treated you like that and wanted to toughen you up, I had something similar. It's taken a long time to understand that part of me that still longs for the m I never had.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Hope67]

Hi Alexandra,
I hope that today will be a restful one - sorry to hear you had a nightmare last night.  It's good that you feel safe on your couch. 

[Kizzie]

Wishing you a much better, nightmare free sleep tonight.

[Alexandra]

Hello Thank You, Kizzie, Hope76 ,and Dollyvee , for your support, this is the first time I have support, after having a nightmare. I rested on my couch, watching and listening to videos on YouTube, the video shows gardens and flowers along with playing relaxing music this makes me feel better. I will sleep tonight, as I know from experience that I never have a nightmare 2 nights in a row, maybe others do this, I call my sleep pattern " combat sleep", I sleep for 3 hours wake-up and walk around, my apartment to make sure all is well, and then go back to sleep for another 3 hours. I feel like I had to play a part ,be a marine  ,to survive , a role I never wanted, I used to pretend, that my life was a play ,that I was acting in,I as reading from a script ,that one day, I would get out and not have to act anymore , I did escape, I feel so relieved to be able to be myself now,  unfortunately, all that trauma left me with C-PTSD, what I call the ball and chain I have to carry.

[Kizzie]

It may be that ball and chain begins to shrink now that you are connecting with other survivors here Alexandra.

 

[TheBigBlue]

Sending support 

[Alexandra]

Hello ; I did get a good nights sleep last night. I want to share that I call my mother " my so-called mother", we were related biologically ,that is all, when I was 5 she sat me down and told me " she was tired of being a mother, so she was not going to be my mother anymore, if I wanted to stay, ( as if at age 5 I had a choice, right  ) ,I would have to pay me way", I had to call her by her first name , it feels true to call her my so-called mother , also mother conjures images of care ,love protection etc. I realize that most likely I have an idealized view of mother . My parents were married, until I was 4 ,my mother abused my Dad, and then throw  him out when I was 4 , I was fortunate for those 4 years my Dad was a total peach, he was my mother ,warm caring loving etc. , my Dad shielded me , from the abuse he was getting, however, I do remember some of it, years later when I went back to the neighborhood, several people told me of how my mother would beat up my Dad in the street .

[dollyvee]

Hey Alexandra,

I'm glad you feel better/supported after your nightmare 

I've been reading a little about something called biphasic sleep, which was apparently quite popular in medieval and classical times before the Industrial Revolution when everyone had to start getting up at a certain time to go work in the factories. But basically, people would have two sleeps. So, they would go to bed around nine, wake around 11/12/1am and lie in bed and chat, write etc, and then go back to bed. I tried it the other night when I woke up, to treat it as "awake" time, and for the first time ever, I think I over two hours of deep sleep (or so my apple watch told me). So, maybe there's something good in following the body's natural rhythm.

In my experience with IFS, we do get locked into parts that we play in order to keep the vulnerable parts of ourselves protected. They're actually called protectors, and come with roles that they play in order to keep us safe, but a lot of them don't know that we are now adults and that things are different. A lot of parts can still operate as if we're still the age we were when the abuse happened because they become sort of stuck, but they're doing it to try and help us.

I'm sorry that your m was like that. Maybe a part of you feels vulnerable because even the person who protected you from her, couldn't protect himself from her? Or maybe I'm just projecting here, please take what suits and leave what doesn't.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Alexandra]

Hello Dolly; Thank You I have looked at my sleep pattern in a negative way, I will adopt your suggestion ,and see it in a positive light. I never thought that My Dad's inability to protect himself, would have an effect on me. I appreciate your insights. I am always looking to learn new positive ways of dealing with things. Alxandra

[Alexandra]

Hello ; Tomorrow I will be washing my hair, a task I dread, to put it politely, my so-called mother was very rough about washing my hair, and she would beat me ,when combing it, she never cut my hair, so it was very long and hard for me as a child to keep untangled , which I had to do most of the time, so she would beat me for not keeping my hair untangled. I never understood why she just did not keep my hair short, if she did not want to deal with it.This is an example of a normal ordinary thing, that causes me , emotional flashbacks  ,and anxiety, one more thing ,not to like about C-PTSD ,sigh

[Blueberry]

I'm so sorry your M treated you so badly in general and more specifically about your hair. I find washing my hair very strenuous and know there's trauma behind that. I was ridiculed and scolded and shamed by FOO for my hair, rather than being physically abused.

I just want to let you know you're not alone in dreading washing your hair. Also not alone in having trouble doing "normal, ordinary things" since I have a long list of those too.

[Alexandra]

Hello Blueberry; I have nice friends, I go to a senior center and play bingo, once a week ,however , it is not, possible to explain ,something like the trauma of the abuse by my so-Called mother beating me about combing or washing my hair, I do have a bit of understanding as to why people with normal childhoods can not understand, when I was 12 , I was sent to stay with nice people for a month, to this day, I can still remember how gently, and kindly ,Evelyn washed and combed my hair, I was shocked by her gentleness and care, there were 3 meals on schedule, I was asked what I wanted for breakfast and lunch, ( we all eat the same dinner ), Evelyn  took me shopping and bought me my first new clothes, ( my clothes were second hand , came from a charity shop and were adult clothes ) ,Evelyn was so kind, when she saw what my clothes were like ,she simply said " oh your mother forgot to pack, your good clothes no worry,I will take you shopping", so, I do understand why people with normal childhoods ,would be clueless  , I appreciate that there are other people with whom I can share, what it is like to live with C-PTSD on a daily basis, Thank you Alexandra