C-PTSD a full time job

[Alexandra]

Hello; you are welcome to post on my tread, GoSlash27, I both welcome,  and appreciate your comments. My mother wanted to "toughen me up", along with degrading me , by forcing me into some acts of cruelty , it never worked, I am still "the big softy" , today, ,that I was back then . I made up my mind ,that I had to draw a line in the sand, my stand is that Kind, is not, a four letter word i.e. a curse word , I will be kind. I also made up my mind, that no matter the " ball and chain", that I live with , which is how I feel about having C-PTSD, my mother must never win, evil ,which she was so in my view ,must never win.I am so sorry that your siblings did not do well, being an only child ,I can only speculate on how painful is must be, to be attached to people, whom you love ,who are suffering,and there is nothing you can do about it, I do know the helpless feeling , of watching a pet whom you love suffer, and you can not do anything about it, it must be so much more painful, when it is a person you care  about.

[GoSlash27]

Alexandra,

It is *all* painful. It's bad enough that it brought you to us, and that's enough in and of itself.
In my experience what has worked is not to define or compare my by my "trauma". II don't even focus on it, except under very controlled conditions. Doing so just ramps up my anxiety and feelings of isolation.  It sounds like it's not your trauma that you're suffering from today, maybe it's that is the way that it has changed you?

You will find that your responses and frustrations are *HIGHLY* relatable around here, even for people who share no parallels with your origin.

You're in the right place. 

Best,
-Slashy

[Alexandra]

Hello ; GoSlash27 , You are welcome on my feed anytime, I appreciate both hearing about your experiences and your comments. You have my sympathy, as regards, watching your siblings suffer, it must be very painful, both to watch, and be helpless to do anything about it , I can relate in one way, as an adult ( I was not allowed any pets as a child) ,I watched  my beloved elderly cat Ashley suffer, it was so heart breaking for me, I felt helpless, it must be so much worse with a human being with whom you are related  and love. I also have C-PTSD from being forced bused , both for junior and high school supposedly, to intergrate  the schools,most people are not aware that white children , like myself were forced bused into, poorly performing violent black schools located in bad neighborhoods  , I was the only white child in the class, I had to deal with violence on a daily basis, one example, black gangs ran the bathrooms, so I could not use the bathroom in school. Was anyone else forced bused ?

[Alexandra]

Hello GoSlash27 ,Oops, I did not see the  first post, in response to yours so, I wrote a second one. As for me ,I am very careful, and use a lot of self discipline not ,to not think about the abuse ,I avoid any thing that would arouse it, May I say that I disagree with you , in my view it is the trauma that I am suffering  from ,as well as the responses to it, , is as  raw today as when it happened, my nightmares prove that to me, let alone  things like my startle response ,also , there is the reality of the lost of  my childhood ,adolescence ,and a good part of my adulthood, we humans are born  totally helpless ,and  require a lot of good quality  nurturance , I see, and feel  the difference in people who come from good families .

[TheBigBlue]

Alexandra, I'm really glad you're sharing and also speaking up about what feels true for you.

Reading this exchange, I wondered if there might be a bit of a difference in how things are being said, rather than a real disagreement.

For me, both parts can be true at the same time:
— what happened was real and can still feel very raw, even years later,
— and at the same time, I've noticed that a lot of my day-to-day suffering comes from how my system adapted to what I experienced.

For example, my situation was quite different from yours, but I still recognize many of the same reactions/survival adaptations: things like startle, hypervigilance, nightmares, emotilnal flasbacks or feeling on edge. That helped me see that even when the original experiences or histories are not the same, the effects can overlap in ways that are very relatable. 
But that doesn't make what happened to us any less real or important. It just means we're not alone in how it shows up now.

I'm really glad you're here and part of this conversation. 💛

[Alexandra]

Hello ; Thank you TheBigBlue ,I appreciate your comments, as we are all human, it seems to me , that our responses to the trauma, regardless of the type would be similar , which means we are not alone in our responses to trauma. I find that having to do the something  ordinary , triggers emotional flashbacks , it is a dilemma , I can not avoid doing normal things, I do dread the trauma it arouses ,perhaps others have this issue as well,

[GoSlash27]

Big Blue,
 That's what I'm getting at. We can't erase or repair the trauma itself. It will always be there. What we *can* change is how it effects us. If (when) we achieve a fully healed and reintegrated state, the trauma simply becomes a "series of unfortunate events" that happened in our past, which no longer brings us dysfunction and distress.
 And so directly thinking about the trauma is actually counterproductive in most cases except under controlled circumstances or for a specific purpose, such as fully processing it.
 It's much more helpful to focus on the trauma responses themselves; "startle, hypervigilance, nightmares, emotional flashbacks or feeling on edge", etc.
 Most people here share those responses and have developed tips and tricks to take the edge off as we proceed through therapy and recovery.

Best,
-Slashy

[Alexandra]

Hello Big blue; May I disagree, with you, for example physical abuse has left me with permanent scars, they will never go away, all I can do is to avoid looking at the ones that are obvious , I lost the I integrity ,of my body .I respect your optimism , about healing ,from the emotional abuse, you suffered ,I wish you all the best , however, your approach , is not, going to work for me, the abuse will never be " a series of unfortunate events from my past ",that feels like minimizing my experience , to me ,I do my best to live with the scars, in the best way I can, using all of the tools ,I can find. I guess ,you had to be there to know , what I went through , of course, I do not know what you went through, either ,unlike other experiences in which there is commonality  of experience, such as with regular PTSD, combat is the same for every one who fought ,on the other hand ,childhood abuse ,is different for each person, our communality ,is the response ,to the trauma , the type ,and severity of the trauma varies from person to person. I wish you all the best, with what you are trying to do

[Kintsugi62]

Hey Alexandra, it me again. I totally get the "No Feelings" part. I just finished a lawsuit with my abuser and I am 62 years old. I have found that I cry all the time and so easily and it is my belief that these are repressed emotions. As children (one of 6) we were not allowed to cry, if we did there would be repercussions. I totally get surviving like a robot, just doing what you were told and what would cause the least emotional explosion!

[GoSlash27]

Alexandra,
That was in response to me, not Big Blue

Trust me, I know exactly what you mean by permanent scars. I have made incredible strides over the past 2 years, but there are residual effects that I simply cannot heal. The biggest one is my inability to form or recall memories in the way most everyone else does it. I'm broken for life in that regard.

I promise, I'm definitely not attempting to minimize your trauma or even my own. What I'm saying is that IMO the goal is to become somebody who is no longer ruled by it, stuck in survival mode. We all want to break free. Part of that process is going to involve confronting the trauma, internalizing it. It's a difficult process, which is why I don't dwell on it. For me, that's what causes spirals and setbacks.

I hope you understand what I'm getting at. I'm not minimizing it, I'm *maximizing* it. IMO raw trauma is a very dangerous subject. When it's too big to handle it can cause even more anxiety. In my experience there is a right time and setting to confront trauma, but for people in the recovery process it's a subject best left alone most of the time.  Just my opinion of course.

HTHs,
-Slashy

[Alexandra]

Hello Kinstugi67; May I say ,good for you for suing your abuser! I too ,was not allowed to cry or show any  any sort of emotion growing up ,I do a lot of crying,  now, I agree with you that ,I  am  releasing repressed emotions ,now that I feel safe to do so ,  I do feel better after having a good cry .

[Alexandra]

Hello HoSlash27 ; Frankly, you and I do not,share the same goal, I do not believe in not living in survival mode , of not letting it rule me, I am trying to make peace with what I have to live with , so that it has as little control over me as possible , and to minimizes my C-PTSD symptoms , I wasted so much time trying to " man handle " ,the trauma into submission, it is no go for me , 

[GoSlash27]

Alexandra,
 Fair enough 
 I wish you all the best on your journey.
-Slashy

[Alexandra]

Hello GoSlash, P.S. I have had to accept that healing is not going to happen for me, I have been through much too much, I can not begin to tell you the cost of surviving what I had to survive, it has taken  its toll on, me, unfortunately, I am human, which means that while  there is no limit on the violence , I experienced ,there is a limit on what it takes to deal with it .I wish you and anyone else, with C-PTSD, that they can heal from it.

[Kizzie]

I hear you Alexandra and bravo to you for making your voice heard and explaining where you are at and what you need. That is a good step in recovery. 

For everyone: As per our guidelines (https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=1616.0) please avoid telling anyone what they should/ should not do/think/feel because our abusers did this and we are here to do things differently.  Thanks!

Kizzie