Writing about the trauma: is it helpful or counterproductive?

[Saluki]

I've been thinking about this a lot. I've started and stopped multiple times writing my life story focusing on the abuse and I never manage to get far with it because?

I don't know if writing it down is helpful or self harm.

My initial idea was that if I write it all down in one place, I'll be able to "file it away" and forget about it, but obviously that's not happened. I'm haunted by the horrible memories and flashbacks in the same way whether I write about it or not.

Another idea I had was that writing it down could help others, for example, survivors of domestic violence who ended up in a relationship with an abuser because they were abused in their childhoods. I thought, somehow knowing that happens to a lot of people, could help them understand that it's not their fault they ended up with an abusive partner.

I didn't even understand I was being abused as a child - I just knew I wasn't okay and I thought there was something wrong with me.

I read a lot of autobiographies of survivors when I was stuck in my marriage to a psychopath and I remember always comparing the experiences of the writers with my life, sometimes putting myself down and thinking "I don't have it that bad, at least he didn't set fire to me" for example, which was bad for me. Other times I would think oh my goodness that's abusive, how could I not have seen it coming?" Or "If she escaped, so can I". So overall it was a helpful thing to read other people's accounts, but sometimes I worry that wanting to write about it means I'm fixated on the abuse that happened to me and obsessed with it. But that's ridiculous - I'm actually desperate to forget it ever happened. Then I realise how much I learned about avoiding certain behaviours and people, because if I forgot it happened, I could be in a very dangerous situation again and welcome people who abused me into my life and get abused again, or not understand when someone is grooming me to abuse me. So my CPTSD does serve a purpose (to protect me) but it's overprotecting me and I'm so confused...

I wrote a few chapters of my life story on multiple occasions. So many bits and bobs, nothing properly organised.

I'm also feeling like "why would anyone want to read that? It's so depressing".

I wrote some memories from my young adulthood on a forum for survivors of sexual abuse/rape and one of the moderators heavily edited it without telling me beforehand and then wrote to me basically telling me it was "glorifying drug addiction" and I was absolutely devastated. She didn't even keep a copy to send me privately. I felt violated. It was so painful writing that. It was so painful experiencing that to be able to write about it.

The attitude that survivor memoirs are some kind of "trauma porn" is really creepy. That scares me from writing my memoirs publicly/publishing them too. Because there probably are disgusting people who get off on reading about survivors traumatic experiences so that puts me off. I've already been humiliated once by an insensitive moderator. Imagine if I published my memoirs and got a horrible load of abuse from nasty critics. I remember reading a memoir of a woman who survived horrendous domestic violence and in the reviews on Amazon loads of people wrote nasty things about "I didn't like the way she stayed when it was obvious he was going to keep abusing her, frustrating to read her being beaten up for years and not leaving". I hate how ignorant people can be. Why read a memoir by a survivor of horrific dv if they're just going to blame her for the abuse because she didn't leave sooner?

Anyway I should talk about this with my therapist. I don't know whether I should write it or not. Maybe I should just write the novel I have in my head to try to focus on something else.

[Kizzie]

Sadly Saluki, I think they are always going to be those who don't have the emotional wherewithal to understand the pain of others. That said, I am all for getting our stories, needs and wants out there so those who can understand come to know about complex relational trauma and how it impacts us. The caveat for me is that we only do so if we are emotionally prepared for the possibility that we will receive negative feedback from some. 

I just did an interview with 80+ professionals about the healthcare project we did and one of them was quite dismissive of the research study part of the project and signed off the Zoom in a huff. I was shocked TBH but I realized fairly quickly they did not know much about the research approach we had used. Not to get into that, but it was their lack of knowledge that caused their reaction. The other attendees were appalled by what the person said because they understood the approach and the reason for it. This cemented the fact for me that while people are all different in how they will react to our stories of trauma, most will take away the central fact that we were terribly hurt by what happened to us and that we are deserving of validation and effective treatment, services and support.

So, I imagine there are those who read our stories as "trauma porn" and also there are those who are trolls and get off on writing negative comments. I suspect though there are many more who genuinely want to know about us, what we went through, and for some of us, are still going through. Not all will understand, but many more will   and we will have helped bring this plague of abuse/neglect out into the light and dispelled the stereotype some have of it all being our fault or of us being weak, etc. We need to be prepared for that as much as possible, and know that it comes from ignorance and a lack of empathy (which says more about them than us IMO). 
 
I'm sorry for what happened to you on the other forum, again sadly not all moderators are adept at knowing how to moderate well. 

[Saluki]

Thank you so much for your insight, Kizzie. Yes, you're right. It does come from a place of not understanding, doesn't it? I wonder why the person who stormed off the zoom call registered in the first place, if they didn't put the work in to first understand the research.
I think some of the people who write horrible things are aware that they've been complicit in abuse or have directly abused someone, so they're either defensive or just being their abusive selves. What they write says more about them than it does about us. Thanks so much Kizzie, it's part of my recovery to become resilient and the ability to decide not to even read horrible comments for example is important. I used to spend a lot of time doom scrolling and reporting abusive comments and whilst that's maybe helpful in a tiny way, it wasn't helpful to me to be reading all that stuff.

Even well meaning people say things like "it happened a long time ago, why don't you get over it? It was the abuser's fault then but now it's your fault now for not taking control of your own life".

It's very frustrating for me to be stuck, desperately waiting to be able to do stuff but putting it off because I'm scared, or because I'm permanently exhausted. I don't want trauma to ruin my life going forward- because I survived, I'm physically safe now. I want to be strong now and it's so frustrating that I can't magically feel strong and alert and energetic (quite the opposite actually).

Maybe I'll start compiling stuff I've already written and go from there. I have all the time in the world to procrastinate. Which is something I desperately need to learn to overcome.

[Kizzie]

Even well meaning people say things like "it happened a long time ago, why don't you get over it? It was the abuser's fault then but now it's your fault now for not taking control of your own life".

In 2016 I was having my knee replaced and the anaesthesiologist (had to see him before surgery) asked about CPTSD on my form.  I told him what it is and he asked "Isn't that something you could have left in your childhood?" In other words, "Why haven't you gotten over it?" just as you suggested. I didn't get angry (he was afterall going to be poking me with a needle), but did my best to explain and left it with him. Let's hope somewhere along the way he did look into it or was offered some professional development about trauma.

I do think things are getting better and that we here at OOTS are helping with that. Check out the healthcare guide we came up with - https://www.outofthestorm.website/healthcare-project.  We also have the book we put together that will be available to one and all once it's published. And if you Google complex trauma and/or CPTSD a LOT will pop up that for me indicates we're going in the right direction now. That wasn't so much the case 11 years ago when OOTS was just new. I also know there is more and more research being done to make treatment more effective and available so better times are on the horizon. All of which is to say, I hope this gives you hope that things will get better for us in terms of understanding, treatment, services and support. 

[Blueberry]

Helpful or self-harm?

Writing it out could be helpful for others but harmful for you. I've written bits of my story over the years, including for the OOTS book that is coming out sometime. I recall that threw me for a loop and iirc what I wrote was only a tiny bit of what happened.

I don't know that writing it all down will put it to rest. I mean, you're still going to be triggered sometimes aren't you? Especially since traumatic memories aren't linear or all verbal. I've found telling or writing bits where I will experience validation e.g. in therapy or on here is best. Just my experience  might be different for you of course.

[Marcine]

Hi Saluki,

"Maybe I should just write the novel I have in my head"

That could be an effective, positive way forward! Over the past several years I've written a sci-fi story that I am currently publishing as a web novel.

I built a world from my imagination filled with fictional characters that exemplify different aspects of myself and of significant people in my life.

I put the characters in settings, challenges, dialogues and conflicts—- and watched what happened.

My intuition had a lot of freedom to explore and to discover. Certain themes showed up over and over. I was able to explore them on my terms, on my timeline, without rush, and without feeling overwhelmed. I learned much about myself, my past, and my present.

As I look back on the story I wrote and the writing process, it makes sense to me. It was an amazing adventure, a therapeutic creative journey.

I encourage you to take a step towards your curiosity to write a fiction. I am willing to bet that a whole bunch of interesting characters are waiting to come alive, just needing your creative spark.

[Saluki]

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies.
I'm emotionally exhausted right now and was planning to reply to everyone but my brain seems to be telling me I need to do that another day! So thank you all, you are all very much appreciated 

[Blueberry]

 

[Dalloway]

Hi Saluki,
a few years ago I also decided to write down my story, but when I started, I realized that it´s very hard because of the traumatic memory that isn´t linear and all the emotions that are changing in their intensity from time to time, so they are not stable or consistent enough to be able to capture them. So I kind of accepted that it´s impossible for me to get a whole picture of it all with beginning and ending because it´s still in progress. But I appreciate very much all the people who write their memoires because it gives me much hope and validation, so I´m glad these books exist. For me, writing is something very soothing, I journal every day, but it´s usually a stream of thoughts about the things that are bothering me the most at the moment. It´s my way of feeling less alone with my struggles. And I also write here on the forum, which is a safe place, but I can´t imagine exposing myself to a potentially unsafe environment. But again, I´m very grateful for people who decide to publish their stories and I agree with you that it can be very helpful for fellow trauma survivors.

[Saluki]

You captured exactly the thing that puts me off, Dalloway-
I want there to be a "happy ending"- that "I am okay now" but it's ongoing and it's never complete.
You know, Maya Angelou's autobiographies were the first books I read that I really identified with. I thought, oh my goodness, this woman is amazing - she went through all that nightmare and came out the other end a famous author - but of course, her story was still ongoing... four volumes were just part of her life, what she chose to share. But I feel a bit like a nobody who does nothing and fears everything.

I just watched a very short documentary on Netflix about an autistic girl, "Makayla's Voice A Letter to the World"

And I just cried all the way through it. Because she's got a loving family around her and when I was silent/non verbal/mute, nobody helped me. They just said I was naughty and needed to stop daydreaming and stop staring into space and "pull my socks up" ffs what is wrong with those people? I'm glad our world is more understanding of autism these days. I'm pretty sure I'm autistic and nobody ever noticed or cared.
Maybe that's what my book should be about.
"Nobody ever noticed".

I wasn't non verbal with my parents or selected friends, just with most people, but because I *could talk* that was seen as me just being stubborn and rude. They couldn't have been more wrong. Also I couldn't communicate feelings. Only by having tantrums. Again, bad behaviour. I don't have tantrums any more. Not since I escaped evil ex husband.

[Saluki]

It's kind of weird that I started talking (completely inappropriately and annoyingly to most people) and whilst my silence scared people off as a child, my verbal diarrhoea scared people off as an adult. I still just randomly rant away to myself. It doesn't matter if anyone listens. Okay, sometimes it does.
I wish my daughter would go for an autism assessment and just accept the help she needs.
It really upsets me that she's desperate not to be autistic, because there's nothing wrong with being autistic and I think it would help her learn to be okay in the world if she had a better explanation than just (self diagnosed) CPTSD. I'm sure CPTSD is not the only thing.
Anyway there's another change of subject!

I need to learn not to procrastinate because I'm wasting my life.

I should write the book in my head.

It's about a teenage girl with a crazy weird family who goes out taking drugs and drinking and ends up pregnant working in a pole dancing club and her mother reacting in a "oh well done, you're so clever" way when the whole time she's being sex trafficked and abused. I want to show the weird dynamic between the daughter who's crying out for help and the mother who's trying to see the positives in everything where there really are none. Kind of the opposite of my mother in an extreme way, but with the same results.

[GoSlash27]

Me *personally*... I think it's very counterproductive to write about the "trauma" or even think about it until after you have properly processed it yourself. Focusing on trauma can only ever heighten anxiety and lead to setbacks and feelings of isolation. Nobody here has ever experienced your unique trauma, just as nobody here has experienced mine. Certainly you can process trauma, but it should only ever be done in controlled circumstances that we are frankly not qualified to provide.
 I think I can give people useful tips on how to regain their footing after mistakenly touching that "third rail", (been there), but I always try to draw people away from direct discussions of trauma.
 What I focus on is solidarity and mutual support in the *effects* of the trauma. In my (unprofessional) opinion, none of us suffer from trauma, we suffer from cPTSD. And trauma isn't fixable, but cPTSD is. Finally, nobody's unique experience of trauma is relatable but the experience of cPTSD is. If you say "this happened to me" then nobody can help you because it didn't happen to them. If, OTOH, you say "I feel (feelings)" or "I'm struggling with (disruptions)", people will come out of the woodwork to validate you and provide helpful suggestions.

HTHs,
-Slashy   

[GoSlash27]

 A further thought...
 I talk to a lot of sufferers because this subject is near and dear to me, and their first inclination is always to "get it off their chest" with someone who understands. I always warn them off. Likewise, people who want to help others always want them to "open up about it". A normal human response, but misguided.

[Saluki]

Thanks, GoSlash.
What do you think the differences are between processing trauma and "opening up" about trauma? I find that very difficult to understand.
For example, going over and over it in my head is involuntary (intrusive thoughts/flashbacks/nightmares) and having triggers that end up with me talking about it when it's the last thing I want to be going over all the time... how's that different from talking about the traumatic events with a therapist? I am supposed to be "processing" stuff, but I don't even know what that means. I just don't understand any of it, how therapy is supposed to work, how processing is supposed to help.

If bad intrusive memories haunt nearly every minute of every day, how is talking about them going to make them go away, and how can I work on the symptoms when overthinking about the trauma is one of the symptoms?

I'm not expecting you to have an answer, just thinking my confusion out loud. I'm very confused and overwhelmed about everything.

[TheBigBlue]

Thanks for putting this into words — what you're describing makes a lot of sense to me. 💛

I used to be very confused about this too:
how is "processing trauma" any different from just thinking about it over and over again?

The way I understand it now (and I'm not an expert, just sharing what I think I have learned):

Intrusive thoughts/flashbacks =
👉 your brain replaying things without support, trying to protect you (an evolutionary program trying to protect you from a sabeltooth tiger), but it just feels overwhelming and out of control.

Processing in therapy =
👉 going near those same things, but in a different way:
- with someone there
- at a pace that keeps you within what you can tolerate
- and with a different experience (being heard, not alone, not dismissed)

So it's not just talking about it; it's the conditions around it that are different.

And also:
you're not supposed to "dive into it" when it's already flooding you all the time.
A lot of therapy is actually about helping your system feel safer and more regulated first, so that processing can even happen later.

For me, it helped to understand that processing isn't about making memories go away - it's more about them becoming less overwhelming and less in control of me over time.

Your confusion makes complete sense. You're not doing anything wrong. 💛  (if that's ok)