Writing about the trauma: is it helpful or counterproductive?

[Saluki]

I've been thinking about this a lot. I've started and stopped multiple times writing my life story focusing on the abuse and I never manage to get far with it because?

I don't know if writing it down is helpful or self harm.

My initial idea was that if I write it all down in one place, I'll be able to "file it away" and forget about it, but obviously that's not happened. I'm haunted by the horrible memories and flashbacks in the same way whether I write about it or not.

Another idea I had was that writing it down could help others, for example, survivors of domestic violence who ended up in a relationship with an abuser because they were abused in their childhoods. I thought, somehow knowing that happens to a lot of people, could help them understand that it's not their fault they ended up with an abusive partner.

I didn't even understand I was being abused as a child - I just knew I wasn't okay and I thought there was something wrong with me.

I read a lot of autobiographies of survivors when I was stuck in my marriage to a psychopath and I remember always comparing the experiences of the writers with my life, sometimes putting myself down and thinking "I don't have it that bad, at least he didn't set fire to me" for example, which was bad for me. Other times I would think oh my goodness that's abusive, how could I not have seen it coming?" Or "If she escaped, so can I". So overall it was a helpful thing to read other people's accounts, but sometimes I worry that wanting to write about it means I'm fixated on the abuse that happened to me and obsessed with it. But that's ridiculous - I'm actually desperate to forget it ever happened. Then I realise how much I learned about avoiding certain behaviours and people, because if I forgot it happened, I could be in a very dangerous situation again and welcome people who abused me into my life and get abused again, or not understand when someone is grooming me to abuse me. So my CPTSD does serve a purpose (to protect me) but it's overprotecting me and I'm so confused...

I wrote a few chapters of my life story on multiple occasions. So many bits and bobs, nothing properly organised.

I'm also feeling like "why would anyone want to read that? It's so depressing".

I wrote some memories from my young adulthood on a forum for survivors of sexual abuse/rape and one of the moderators heavily edited it without telling me beforehand and then wrote to me basically telling me it was "glorifying drug addiction" and I was absolutely devastated. She didn't even keep a copy to send me privately. I felt violated. It was so painful writing that. It was so painful experiencing that to be able to write about it.

The attitude that survivor memoirs are some kind of "trauma porn" is really creepy. That scares me from writing my memoirs publicly/publishing them too. Because there probably are disgusting people who get off on reading about survivors traumatic experiences so that puts me off. I've already been humiliated once by an insensitive moderator. Imagine if I published my memoirs and got a horrible load of abuse from nasty critics. I remember reading a memoir of a woman who survived horrendous domestic violence and in the reviews on Amazon loads of people wrote nasty things about "I didn't like the way she stayed when it was obvious he was going to keep abusing her, frustrating to read her being beaten up for years and not leaving". I hate how ignorant people can be. Why read a memoir by a survivor of horrific dv if they're just going to blame her for the abuse because she didn't leave sooner?

Anyway I should talk about this with my therapist. I don't know whether I should write it or not. Maybe I should just write the novel I have in my head to try to focus on something else.

[Kizzie]

Sadly Saluki, I think they are always going to be those who don't have the emotional wherewithal to understand the pain of others. That said, I am all for getting our stories, needs and wants out there so those who can understand come to know about complex relational trauma and how it impacts us. The caveat for me is that we only do so if we are emotionally prepared for the possibility that we will receive negative feedback from some. 

I just did an interview with 80+ professionals about the healthcare project we did and one of them was quite dismissive of the research study part of the project and signed off the Zoom in a huff. I was shocked TBH but I realized fairly quickly they did not know much about the research approach we had used. Not to get into that, but it was their lack of knowledge that caused their reaction. The other attendees were appalled by what the person said because they understood the approach and the reason for it. This cemented the fact for me that while people are all different in how they will react to our stories of trauma, most will take away the central fact that we were terribly hurt by what happened to us and that we are deserving of validation and effective treatment, services and support.

So, I imagine there are those who read our stories as "trauma porn" and also there are those who are trolls and get off on writing negative comments. I suspect though there are many more who genuinely want to know about us, what we went through, and for some of us, are still going through. Not all will understand, but many more will   and we will have helped bring this plague of abuse/neglect out into the light and dispelled the stereotype some have of it all being our fault or of us being weak, etc. We need to be prepared for that as much as possible, and know that it comes from ignorance and a lack of empathy (which says more about them than us IMO). 
 
I'm sorry for what happened to you on the other forum, again sadly not all moderators are adept at knowing how to moderate well. 

[Saluki]

Thank you so much for your insight, Kizzie. Yes, you're right. It does come from a place of not understanding, doesn't it? I wonder why the person who stormed off the zoom call registered in the first place, if they didn't put the work in to first understand the research.
I think some of the people who write horrible things are aware that they've been complicit in abuse or have directly abused someone, so they're either defensive or just being their abusive selves. What they write says more about them than it does about us. Thanks so much Kizzie, it's part of my recovery to become resilient and the ability to decide not to even read horrible comments for example is important. I used to spend a lot of time doom scrolling and reporting abusive comments and whilst that's maybe helpful in a tiny way, it wasn't helpful to me to be reading all that stuff.

Even well meaning people say things like "it happened a long time ago, why don't you get over it? It was the abuser's fault then but now it's your fault now for not taking control of your own life".

It's very frustrating for me to be stuck, desperately waiting to be able to do stuff but putting it off because I'm scared, or because I'm permanently exhausted. I don't want trauma to ruin my life going forward- because I survived, I'm physically safe now. I want to be strong now and it's so frustrating that I can't magically feel strong and alert and energetic (quite the opposite actually).

Maybe I'll start compiling stuff I've already written and go from there. I have all the time in the world to procrastinate. Which is something I desperately need to learn to overcome.

[Kizzie]

Even well meaning people say things like "it happened a long time ago, why don't you get over it? It was the abuser's fault then but now it's your fault now for not taking control of your own life".

In 2016 I was having my knee replaced and the anaesthesiologist (had to see him before surgery) asked about CPTSD on my form.  I told him what it is and he asked "Isn't that something you could have left in your childhood?" In other words, "Why haven't you gotten over it?" just as you suggested. I didn't get angry (he was afterall going to be poking me with a needle), but did my best to explain and left it with him. Let's hope somewhere along the way he did look into it or was offered some professional development about trauma.

I do think things are getting better and that we here at OOTS are helping with that. Check out the healthcare guide we came up with - https://www.outofthestorm.website/healthcare-project.  We also have the book we put together that will be available to one and all once it's published. And if you Google complex trauma and/or CPTSD a LOT will pop up that for me indicates we're going in the right direction now. That wasn't so much the case 11 years ago when OOTS was just new. I also know there is more and more research being done to make treatment more effective and available so better times are on the horizon. All of which is to say, I hope this gives you hope that things will get better for us in terms of understanding, treatment, services and support.