the next step

[sanmagic7]

TBB, thank you for all your insight and support.  it means a lot.  when i mentioned being sensitive, i think it came from a place of having neg. experiences w/ too many other T's, including the first one, an NPD T who damaged me badly, so i'm now quite sensitive to what i expect from a T towards me. it's actually trauma trigger stuff.  i also appreciate your validation for my feelings. 

So, i've been thinking about what to write.  my first draft was full of venom, wanting to point out everything i thought she did wrong.  the next draft was toned down quite a bit, but it felt good to get that crapola out of me in the first one. a few more feelings have since been recognized, including feeling unsafe.  that's not a good one to have starting out w/ a T. 

i'm probably going to send the email this morning to her.  it'll be quite short - oooh, another feeling showed itself - disappointment.  very disappointed this didn't work out and that she couldn't let go of her IFS agenda even for one session.  my body is speaking to me like crazy now, feelings of fear, frustration, and something else are all making themselves known.  didn't know i had so much of this going on inside me!  but, it's a step forward to recognize them, know they're there.

TBB, you mentioned something about 'this hurt'.  this is the second time in just a couple of weeks, it seems, where someone brought up the idea of feeling hurt by something that happened or was said.  honestly, both then, and when i read this the other day, the idea of being hurt never came into my picture.  never felt it.  thanks for pointing this out.  it's helpful for me to recognize, even when i don't feel it.

[SenseOrgan]

oooh, another feeling showed itself - disappointment.  very disappointed this didn't work out and that she couldn't let go of her IFS agenda even for one session.  my body is speaking to me like crazy now, feelings of fear, frustration, and something else are all making themselves known.  didn't know i had so much of this going on inside me!  but, it's a step forward to recognize them, know they're there.

Jetzt geht's los! [sorry, this works best in German] 

Life is writing poetry. You've got your money's worth with that one session. Perfectly delivered. And received. 

[Desert Flower]

 

and

 

[TheBigBlue]

     

[sanmagic7]

thanks, SO.  i looked it up, lots of different translations, but i get it.  jetzt geht's los indeed!  thank you so much for all your support!

TBB and DF - you both made me smile.  thanks so much for your encouragement and support.      

well, i sent it - it was rather short, to the point, but i ended by saying that all the distress and the neg. feelings that came up didn't seem compatible with a healthy therapeutic relationship, so i'm terminating ours and cancelling the appt. next week.

she wrote back that she was sorry i had so much distress, and hoped i could find someone who will be helpful.

so, that's #2 now that i've spoken w/ and rejected.  first was that labelling guy a few weeks ago.  i think i got complacent cuz my former T i met and we got on right from the go and were together 5 yrs., 2x/week, and nary a problem.  this feels kind of grueling, but i know i need it - even if i don't want to!

[Desert Flower]

Very well done San, even if that results in not having found the right therapist yet. It's very important we let people know how we feel, that's therapeutic in itself imo.

So



and



some more.

[TheBigBlue]

San, good for you. It makes complete sense that this stirs grief, fatigue, and a bit of "ugh, do I really have to do this again?" energy. And still,  you're doing it with clarity, agency, and self-respect. That is huge. That's a nervous system learning it no longer has to settle.

I'm really glad you let us walk alongside you through this. Here is hoping the next step lands differently - third time's the charm. 🤍