the next step

[Marcine]

I hope it goes smoothly for you today, San, and you receive the info/support/resolution needed.
I'm sending good thoughts.

[NarcKiddo]

I hope all goes well with the doc. Please be extra careful if you feel wobbly in the shower. Do you have grab rails?

[sanmagic7]

thank you, marcine, very much.  it went well, altho my D did a lot of the talking for me, which was helpful.   

hey, NK, thank you so for your concern.  it went well, i'm getting all my meds again, which is always my major concern.  my right ear, w/ which i've had problems before, had to get flushed out, so that may possibly be the cause for my unsteadiness.  no sign of it this morning when i walked, so maybe problem fixed.  no grab rails in the shower, but the soap holder is set into the wall, so i hang onto that.   

i'm looking into this EF a little more closely.  tracing the root of it, i came to a scene still burned into my 4-yr. old brain.  back when i was in kindergarten, girls had to wear dresses, and we all sat on the floor together, so i'm sure undies were touching the floor and whatever might be in them.  at any rate, i got a case of pinworms.  of course, we didn't know what that was about, just that i was itching 'down there' so bad i couldn't sleep.  seems they're more active at nite.

so, my M called a doc (they made house calls at the time - yep, that long ago) and i ended up being poked and prodded 'down there' in the dark, my mom somewhere against a wall or something, silent, and, ooooh, a wave of anger just rolled over me, i was laying in the bed, also silent, while this was going on.  no words of comfort, no touch, nothing reassuring or soothing from my M.  and i just had to lay there and endure.  and endure i did.  and it was never brought up again, my M never asked me the next day if everything was better.  nothing. 

and i thought about a time when my D was very young, same age, and she had to go to the ER to have a splinter removed from her foot.  she was crying and yelling, really angry about having to be held down, and i was next to her, holding her hand, talking to her, reassuring her.  quite the difference from my experience.  i just went to talk to her now about it, told her she was great for putting up such a fuss.  she said 'most people would've said, why didn't you get control of your kid?  i told her, no, i thought it was really healthy the way she reacted to the situation, told her how i reacted to a similar situation.

so, i don't doubt now that i'm 'opening up', as someone has told me, the trauma is coming thru at last.  i should have been squirming and crying at least during that situation, but somehow i already knew how to quietly endure cuz there was no help or support coming for me.  and that's how i see my life, quietly enduring what must be endured for the sake of either my safety or the safety of my kids. 

so, now i have the task ahead of me of re-wiring all of that, un-hardening myself at the same time integrating that part of me who was so neglected so that i don't have to have anxiety attacks at the thought of going to see the doc.  what a friggin' mess.  i'll figure it out.  somehow.  maybe some Flash will help.  i don't know.  we'll see.

[Marcine]

Gosh San, I relate to a lot of what you wrote.

"somehow i already knew how to quietly endure cuz there was no help or support coming for me"

We learned that unquestionable fact sooooo early, didn't we...

And yet as moms, look at us offering support for our kids to express themselves naturally and loving them wholeheartedly no matter what 

"quite the difference from my experience"

I believe this qualifies you as a cycle-breaker in every positive, powerful way.