Post-Traumatic Growth Journal

[TheBigBlue]

It stood out to me that not only did the barking become less triggering, but that the connection stayed with you after the conversation had ended.

I really like this observation. 💛

That feels like a tiny glimpse of earned secure attachment: borrowing someone else's regulation until, little by little, it becomes your own.

It also gives me hope that even very old neural pathways can change through repeated experiences of safe connection.

[Desert Flower]

Hey SO, just stopping by for a bit if I may (please let me know if you don't like it). I read your post about the dog and it sounds great to experiece connection and support like that. It really helps. I wish you lots of good luck in your journey. Take care and big hugs.

[SenseOrgan]

Thanks friends. More response later...

Just had another round of spontaneous body movements while sitting in my chair. Extreme contraction in my neck, pulling my head back for many minutes on end. Completely locked in this position. Painful in the muscles. Feet and legs flopping around. A bit of crying. No thoughts, no images. Also happened a couple of days ago. Same stuff that goes on during PSIP. Sure body, take it away. 

The neck thing looks like this, but it stays there in my case. In case the time stamp thing doesn't work, it's at 1.45 min. Could perhaps be triggering to watch.

[Marcine]

Hi SO,
It sounds like you are comfortable and relatively at ease with your experiences in this realm. Did I perceive this accurately?

I watched the video and she describes it as an energy shift. And that she can feel it coming like an impending sneeze.

I'm curious, is it like this for you? Do you feel relief afterwards?

[SenseOrgan]

HannahOne
Thanks a lot for adding your thoughts on this topic. Your experience with other mammals stresses how fundamental it is what happens in humans too, I think. We're social animals, and physical and/or emotionally isolation has a significant impact. That alone alters how something in the outside world is interpreted and experienced. There's no doubt in my mind that this situation would impact me differently if my social life would be thriving. That's complicated.

The more fundamental thing I'm dealing with here is the actual trauma trigger. This robs me of my safe space, because it penetrates the walls of this house. It even goes through my noise canceling headphones. So there's the no escape factor. Plus the not caring about me at all factor. And there's the likelihood of this not stopping any time soon. I've moved house because of this twice within a year. I've been living in a situation like this for nine years straight. In all situations other neighbors also had issues with the noise others caused. So it isn't just me. This is the least bad it's been, because here my direct neighbors are silent. But it's been very rough to deal with this. It's the self centeredness that infuriates me most. And that is not a coincidence. A part of that is appropriate, another part is transference. I'm taking all the action I can in the outside world, and do my utmost not to do anything stupid. That part is taken care off as best as possible. For the remainder I tried EMDR and ignore the trigger as much as possible. Sometimes that works, sometimes it gets completely under my skin.

It was surprising to me the social connection factor had such an impact. At least that one time. It got me thinking, apart from this noise issue. Can I train myself to bring this up? Is that what others perhaps successfully do (without even knowing that they do)? Can I facilitate the connection factor to land more deeply by consciously evoking memories? I must confess that I've never taken this type of exercise very seriously as a treatment for trauma. But this experience has me reconsidering that. Maybe it's only now that I have enough experiences to draw from and the skepsis was part of my trauma matrix. Anyway, my mind links this to Peter Brown's Ideal Parent Figure Protocol (IPFP). I know nothing about that apart from that including imagination, but I know George Haas uses that in his teachings and I hold him in high regard. Haas had a horrific start in life himself. He combines Buddhist teachings and attachment theory. A link to his podcast is in the podcast section somewhere in case anyone is interested. It's called I love you, keep going. Okay, enough rambling. Thanks for being here. 

[NarcKiddo]

Thank you for posting that video, SO. I am sorry you have to deal with this since you say the muscle spasms are painful.

I am also very sorry that you are still having to deal with the noise trigger. I am noticing that I am having increasing difficulty tolerating loud noises, especially when they start unexpectedly.

 

[SenseOrgan]

NarcKiddo
Thanks for sharing that (#433). This is one of the most devastating aspects of the CRTR for me. Even after finally realizing I became an island I didn't want to be anymore, there was and still is so much in the way of "normally" relating to others. This really is why life is so rough. I'm so grateful I found people like you in this safe haven to help close that gap. Please let us know if your relationship with spiders changes. It's crazy in how many ways trauma shows up, isn't it?

sanmagic7
Well said San. I too believe this is in every aspect of us. At least in those of us for who this started when we were born, or even before. It manifests in a million different ways.

Your absolutely right. The rage needs to be resolved. Unfortunately that goes as deep as my trauma itself. So that makes that the dog issue also goes very deep. Part of the despair that comes up sometimes is understanding this is something that may even take the rest of my life to one degree or another. It's on another level when it happens in your own home. I'm afraid you know the feeling.

Much love


TheBigBlue
A tiny glimpse of earned secure attachment. Your right! I hadn't connected those dots, but that's what it is. And that's what it feels like. Apart from my subjective experience, it's also a neurological reality indeed. Yes that's still possible for us, you included! We're wired for connection. We wouldn't be talking if we weren't.

Desert Flower
Thank you very much for honoring me with a visit. The red carpet is always out for you here! Good luck my friend!

Much love

Marcine
Yes you're correct, I'm okay with it. If anything, I'm intrigued. I don't necessarily frame what happens to me as kundalini, but I know some people call these kriya's, so I hunted down a vid to give you a visual impression. I don't feel them coming a long time before they happen. It's more like it's there all of a sudden. I do however relate to the sneeze analogy. It feels like this is something the body really wants to do, just like sneezing. The ability to suppress it is there in both cases, but doing that would feel not at all like what needs to happen. There's an urge there. It's painful when my muscles contract like that, but it's not something I'm worried about. I can feel a bit of it now. It's interesting thought that as far as I remember I don't get strong aches like after a workout. I'd expect much more considering the intensity and duration of the contraction. I didn't feel different right after, I think. But now you asked, I realized I'm having a really good day. I've felt at peace this morning, and took my time in the garden. It's the next day, and it looks like my sleep hasn't been bad. The dog isn't barking either, so that may be playing into this too. Thanks for checking in. 

NarcKiddo
Thank you (#440). I'm okay my friend. It's painful, but not so much that it's problematic. The noise is a gazillion times harder for me to deal with. Would you say your sensitivity to noise is related to trauma? 

[NarcKiddo]

Would you say your sensitivity to noise is related to trauma?

I don't know. I do know that my M was very loud and frightening when she was in a rage. She also makes very loud, sudden noises when she is not in a rage. Her sneeze is something else. When she wants to make a point she will often speak very loudly all of a sudden, and she took opera singing lessons years ago so she knows how to project her voice.

One reason I think the noise sensitivity could be related to noise is because I actively seek silence when I am trying to regulate my emotions or be calm. I do not find listening to music helpful at such times. I have also noticed my reactions to sudden noise have become more pronounced as I try to stay present in the moment much more these days, rather than just dissociate the heck out of my life. The reactions are not just internal, either. I am finding myself more and more actually flinging my hands up to cover my ears on occasion, which can be socially awkward.

But it could just be that I am turning into a curmudgeonly old woman! 

[Marcine]

curmudgeonly   wise old woman

 

[HannahOne]

SenseOrgan,
You said " Can I facilitate the connection factor to land more deeply by consciously evoking memories?" I do think people do this. I've learned to do it. It's part of having a secure base and I think you're right on with the Ideal Parent Figure Protocol.

It's important to take seriously the transference that this barking dog seems self-centered, the neighbors are self-centered and the owner, in not responding or being aware of the pain they are causing. The Ideal Parent Figure is centered in themselves, not AROUND themselves, and centers US in their interactions. I try to stay centered and center my children, in our interactions it is about them, not about me, as I am in the Parent role with them. This is something many of us missed as relational trauma survivors, we were never centered. Never seen. Our parents were centered on themselves, ignoring or not responding to our pain, causing us pain and not ceasing. I'm so sorry you went through that.

However your body responds to these energy shifts is valid! I am finding the more I go to the body the more grounded I feel and the deeper I heal. I wish that for all of us. Feeling safe and free enough to let the body sneeze or contort or whatever it wants to do sends a message to ourselves and can undo some of the contortions we had to go through to please, appease, submit to, run from or fight our abusers.

you're taking care of yourself externally with the dog noise as best you can. Internal aikido is an adjunctive to that, which I See you practicing here.

[zen_racer]

SO, I'm intrigued by the social connection with a support group.  I keep seeing things saying that healing works better for this stuff in a relationship (I'm assuming friendship or other non-romantic relationships work) and have been curious.  On the one hand, I'm texting one person more that is supportive, and I have one friend I can talk to on the phone about this stuff, but so far on my journey I'm mostly still self isolating.

I will have to look up Ideal Parent Figure Protocol.  Maybe I should see if I can find a support group near me.

I'm wishing you well and sending hugs. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, SO, a thought just occurred to me.  maybe it isn't so much the dog barking (altho, absolutely, that is more than annoying), but like you mentioned, there's the aspect of disrespect, of overstepping boundaries w/o giving a hoot who it bothers, of being so self-centered that the wants/needs of others bounces off them.  it's like giving everyone around them the big ol' finger.

i think most of us have had that done to us, often from a very young age - the disrespect, ignoring our boundaries, not allowing us to have any for their own selfish reasons, and hurting us without a care about it.  those would be trauma wounds that could be connected to this.  i'm not saying healing those wounds would solve the real-world problem, but there may be a little bit of peace of mind at the end of that rainbow.  just thoughts - ignore if they don't land w/ you,  love and hugs

[SenseOrgan]

NarcKiddo
Gosh, that's a significant impact on your life, I imagine. I'm sorry to hear that.
Like you, I also don't know if my sensitivity to sound is related to my primary trauma. I suspect it is, but in an indirect way. I chalk this up to a downstream effect of chronic hyperarousal. It makes sense to me that a hightened perception of sound is important for the survival of a human in a highly stressed state. That comes at a price. I also know what it's like when sounds almost physically hurt and understand why you'd cover your ears when that happens. Off course you'd seek silence when dealing with this! It's been a long time since I was in that place for a prolonged period of time. That makes me suspect a good part of this is reversible (in my case at least). The fact that sounds hit differently from one day to the next does too. That's the neurological/neuro-chemical component, I think. It ties into diet and immune responses too. A can of worms! I tried the supplement route a few years ago. L-theanine, prescribed gabapentin, that sort of stuff. To downregulate my system in general. Didn't work. I basically arrived at the working theory that the whole thing hinges on the way I (can) relate to others. Safe relating beats pills and managing downstream effects of stress. That's where I still place the majority of my bet nowadays. The unexpected experience with the barking effecting me differently after the support group confirms that for me.

I had to look up curmudgeonly. Not sure if you're just joking, but that's not at all how I perceive your presence here. You're always very supportive and kind on the forum and I very much appreciate you being here!

Much love


Marcine
Indeed! 

Much love


HannahOne
Thank you very much for this feedback and encouragement. It makes me happy that you figured this one out and centered your kids! I find it refreshing to see this in terms of what I need. It's a locus of control thing too. I knew the transference, but I hadn't been able to translate it to a direction I can take this in. That added a lot to the desperation/primal response. What the IPFP also points to is that I need a healthy dose of being centered. The barking dog and the other madness literally steal my attention and places it outside myself. Just like what my parents did. I think this won't be easy any time soon, but I'm glad I have this on board to experiment with. I can see how things in the outside world bother people way less who got good enough centering from their parent(s). They can lean on that experience base when confronted with these sort of people, and continue to experience being centered/safe/connected/cared for. The opposite happens for me. I'm inspired to explore how I can orient a lot more towards what I do want and need. And yes, it needs to be embodied, otherwise it's not fully real.

Much love


zen_racer
Thanks for your support Zen (can I call you that?). I self-isolated my whole life, basically. Physically and/or emotionally. It's my drug of choice. And not to demonize that, I needed that under the circumstances and in the recovery stage I was in. I can now wholeheartedly say that the essence of my challenge always was relational. Even during the decades I did not see that clearly. Attempting to heal on my own was very much part of my complex relational trauma response. I'm happy to hear you have two people you can connect with (about this stuff). Finding a support group sounds like an excellent plan to me. I can't overstate how important group support is in my recovery. As they say: relational wounding needs relational healing! I started a thread about the IPFP here, in case you're interested.

Much love


sanmagic7
Yes, that's what's going on. I remember reading something along those lines in a book about trauma. What hurts is the disrespect. Parents who abuse/neglect you don't respect you. That's the transference that's happening in my case with these people who cause the noise. They literally don't give a hoot. Part of that would justifiably anger nearly anyone. It runs a lot deeper in my case. I'm glad I've found a way I can at least try to work with this now.

Much love

[sanmagic7]

SO, i so agree with you that disrespect hurts. it's kind of a deletion of you as a person, which would be extremely painful.  but, of course, disrespect comes from extremely self-centered, self-absorbed people, so they give no credence to the being of another person.  they don't have the wherewithal to acknowledge someone else's presence. 

where this comes from i'm not sure.  but i don't think they have it in them to hear anything about themselves and how their actions affect others.  at least not anymore.  this reminds me of a girl i worked with who would do things like drop her books on the floor during class.  when i asked her about it, she blithely responded - i'm not doing it to them, they don't have to be bothered by it.

i took a minute, let that last sentence sit with her, then got up and went to my office door.  she watched while i opened the door quietly, then slammed it shut.  she jumped, big eyes, like what the heck?!!  i said, i didn't do that to you, why are you bothered by it?  i never got another complaint from a teacher.

but she was young, not fully formed, and this was the first time someone showed her what her actions caused in others.  unfortunately, that's not gonna work w/ your neighbor, i reckon.  too late.  i'm just sorry that you have to go thru this w/ grown people.  it sucks, it's not fair, it's not right, and it is truly disrespectful.  i'm just glad you've found a way to work w/ it.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]