Post-Traumatic Growth Journal

[HannahOne]

This tickles my brain, SenseOrgan. This, that... is only this. As when repeating the word "fork", "forkforkforkforkfork," the language making machine of my mind ended up much....quieter. I can't think my way out of this paper bag, LOL... This is it. I am going to listen again. Thank you!

[SenseOrgan]

TW/spirituality, I think it can be labeled as

HannahOne
It was a bit of a gamble on my part posting this here. This subject is dear to my heart, yet I feel I can't really speak about it here. It doesn't need to happen all the time, but none of the time feels like I'm hiding again. Which I don't want to do, even tho I'm aware this kind of content can be heard in different ways, of which some can be extremely offensive to a survivor. A TW would have been appropriate. I apologize if anyone is offended.

On the forum we talk about getting somewhere, and this, this, has nothing to do with that. Which doesn't make any sense to a person who suffers and wants it to stop. It also didn't for me. Well, it still doesn't. This is about what's prior to sense-making. It's front and center to the greatest transformation in my life that I wasn't looking for. And that too is a story. It's not actual.

What Leela Muse so eloquently verbalizes here is close to what happened to me. I had exhausted all my options, and what I had called my last attempt at life turned out to be a trigger of epic proportions. I had done everything in my power to force life into the mold I had in mind for it. A mold. A livable one. Anyone. Even a little would have been nice. But no. That didn't happen. It was as brutal as all of us here know life can be. And nothing I tried, believe me I tried, fundamentally changed that. Life didn't budge. It refused to change. Instead, life changed me. I always struggle greatly to capture it into words, but what I've often used is the vaporizing of carrots on a stick to run after. That game stopped to a very large degree. Not entirely, but close. Everything changed, and nothing changed. Life happens the way it does with or without my permission. There's only ever this dish that's served. Not another one. This one. The only one. Peace that passes understanding. Amor fati. It clicked. Not in theory. It did actually land deep down.

I've listened to thousands of hours of this kind of content over the years. Leela Muse has one of the clearest and most eloquent voices out there imho. I listened to this particular one when I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep anymore. She and her colleagues live as mp3 files on my tiny player, and I thought I might as well have a bit of a listen while properly awake. I burst into tears hearing her words. Almost all of it I recognize from my own experience. Her Southern accent is the cherry on top. Beautiful and profound poetry to my mind. I thought I'd share. So I'm happy it tickled your brain. The entire thing can be heard as a koan, I think. Mu would work too.

[sanmagic7]

SO, i appreciate your sharing of this, even tho these kinds of things don't usually sit well with me.  i did listen to as much as i could, but honestly, at one point i skipped ahead, and finally just stopped.  i'm very glad for you that you find so much that resonates with you from her, but my mind just doesn't get it.  i wish it did, cuz i'd love to share with you what you've found to be so positive for yourself. 

i thought and re-thought about writing this - i didn't want to be a downer about something you enjoy so much, and i guess i could've just sent a    to you instead of writing all this.  i wanted you to know, tho, that i did give it a shot, and i wanted to be moved by it.  i really did.  strange, as always to me, how something can be so uplifting and reaffirming to one person, and have the opposite effect on another.  i've had the same thing happen w/ things like tai chi, qi gong, singing bowls, etc. instead of being soothing or relaxing, they distress me. i don't get it. 

and, above all i hope you aren't offended by my writing this.  if so, i can remove it if you'd like.  but thank you again for taking the time and energy to post it.  love and hugs

[HannahOne]

SO, thank you for sharing. I think it's important to share. This is a place to bring All of You. And, some of us can resonate with it some of the time, what's most personal or unique can be most universal. And some won't resonate and that's ok too.

I relate to trying for years to find a livable Me. And when I could no longer change life, life changed me.

I can relate to the carrot evaporating.

There's only me, that always was.

And now what?

It is a kind of koan.

I lived in the South when I first left home. Check out this song, see if you like. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZpHDynx1Qg

[Marcine]

What Leela Muse so eloquently verbalizes here is close to what happened to me. I had exhausted all my options, and what I had called my last attempt at life turned out to be a trigger of epic proportions. I had done everything in my power to force life into the mold I had in mind for it. A mold. A livable one. Anyone. Even a little would have been nice. But no. That didn't happen. It was as brutal as all of us here know life can be. And nothing I tried, believe me I tried, fundamentally changed that. Life didn't budge. It refused to change. Instead, life changed me. I always struggle greatly to capture it into words, but what I've often used is the vaporizing of carrots on a stick to run after. That game stopped to a very large degree. Not entirely, but close. Everything changed, and nothing changed. Life happens the way it does with or without my permission. There's only ever this dish that's served. Not another one. This one. The only one. Peace that passes understanding. Amor fati. It clicked. Not in theory. It did actually land deep down.

SO,
I say yay to your choice of non- hiding and standing tall in your beliefs. I am glad you shared the Leela Muse clip since it is important to you.

In my opinion, your words that I quoted above are way more eloquent and powerful than the flavor/ delivery in the YouTube clip.

(My reaction to her monologue is due to my deep-seated personal aversion to the slightest, imagined or real, whiff of indoctrination, hypnosis and general mind-numbing follower brainwashing. Not saying she's about that, but that's what I got from a couple runs at listening.)

The notion of effortless being, the unity of consciousness, the forsaking of seeking, directly experiencing life in the very real here-now, open to more and more vast possibilities, laughing at the beautiful perfect absurdity...

[SenseOrgan]

Thank you all for responding. I need to park this topic for now, sorry.

My mother just texted me. No contact since September. Her brother is going to pass away. She just said goodbye to him. I appreciate that she informed me. I kept my reply very short: "Thank you for informing. Good luck. Folded hands emoji."

A difficult situation is approaching. There will be a funeral. Even though I rarely ever saw my uncle, I feel like I need to attend. My mother is obviously going to be there. My sisters may be there too. I haven't spoken to my oldest sister in twelve years, and went NC again with my youngest sister two years ago. My sisters are also not on speaking terms. Even if none of them shows up, my mother will. I don't want her attempting to ignore my boundaries because she'll be highly emotional. Enough of that.

A very good friend of mine is married to my mother's sister. He isn't on speaking terms with most of his wife's siblings. A lot happened in that family. But I think he'll be there too. It would have my preference to hang out with them at the funeral. I'm on good terms with his wife too. What a mess.

[Marcine]

I send love, certain that you will find your way through this complex, layered, abrupt situation, SO.

And a quote from Peter Ralston.
"We discover that the richness of life isn't all created by people, events, and acquisitions, but by our ability to open up and fully be with whatever is occurring—present in heart, body, mind, and connecting fully with others and with life."

You exemplify this, SO.

[HannahOne]

SO I'm sorry to hear that all this just landed.

You're already thinking about the funeral, and how you would find support there, perhaps with the good friend, or if he's not there, maybe there's someone you can bring with you.

And you're already thinking about boundaries, and how to protect yourself from your mother and her emotions.

These are all signs of life within you and signs of the wisdom in you, knowing what's right for you.

[zen_racer]

SO, I'm sorry to see that you have a sudden family event causing issues.  I can relate to a portion of it, in that I don't know how to deal with any of my family.  I hope this ends up being easier to attend than you're expecting.

[TheBigBlue]

SO, this sounds really heavy and emotionally complicated. Sending support your way as you navigate it all. 💛 

[sanmagic7]

i'm with everyone else here, SO.  such a good idea to already be planning for who you want to be near.  i don't know your family customs around funerals, but is it possible for you to make an appearance, so to speak, and not linger? do what you need to do for you and leave it at that? i wish you the very best with this situation.  it's sticky and difficult at best.  all support for every decision you make - standing right beside you as you go through it.  sending love and a hug filled with caring and strength. my heart is with you.

[NarcKiddo]

That's a hard situation. Wishing you well as you decide how best to navigate it. 

[SenseOrgan]

Marcine, HannahOne, zen_racer, TheBigBlue, sanmagic7, NarcKiddo

It was a great support to read your comments after I wrote about this difficult situation coming up. I very much appreciate all of you!!! What sometimes happens is that it takes a while for me before I can respond. It's an overwhelm thing. So please don't think your messages fell on deaf ears. Far from it!

Something interesting happened. After I got the news, I called my uncle friend. Discussing the situation and the challenge ahead, I had a realization. I had assumed I needed to go to the funeral. That's what family members do, right? Even when there's barely a connection to the deceased. I wouldn't even have questioned that when I was still on speaking terms with my mother. Now it came up because of the NC. I wasn't going for myself. I don't have trouble attending out of respect for someone else. It's a small sacrifice to make, right? I hand't even questioned going. It was that obvious to me. That's what a decent human does, right? But where was I in all of this? What is my motivation? Guilt and fear of judgement are involved. It would be very difficult seeing them next time if I didn't go to the funeral. As if I would have something to answer for. I had already taken their assumed judgement in and reasoned from there.

My uncle friend said that one of his sons certainly wouldn't be there, and the other likely neither (they're a little older than I). He would have been surprised if he would have seen me show up at the funeral. That's a big contrast with what I didn't even question I had to do. Despite the difficult situation it would put me in. Apart from the issues with my mother being there, I'd be surrounded by people whom I have little connection with. Some of them would likely ask me some questions. None of them knows anything about the issues between my mother and I. She doesn't speak about it. My uncle friend sounded angry about the family basically acting like I don't exist. Life has been torture for decades, and my mother doesn't talk about any of it with her siblings. Including my friend's wife, when she brought it up with her.

My mother lives in her own world, and has tremendous difficulty allowing people to have their own views. It makes it very difficult to connect with her. She's close to certain convinced of some esoteric theory about me that a medium she's been seeing for over twenty years presented her as the truth. I remember an instant about twenty years ago when I visited my mother. She started telling me how I was doing. The medium had told her. It's a good illustration of the relationship that sculpted my existence into a torture chamber. I wasn't just emotionally neglected. I was actively denied. My mother sacrificed me on the altar of her survival strategy. One contemptuous interaction at a time. But I digress.

The funeral turned out to be a cremation and after the chat with my friend I pretty much decided I shouldn't even go. So I didn't, after a couple of days of doubting. My mother send me a couple more texts and pictures. I'm not sure what her intention with it was. I kept my replies short and polite. My uncle friend let me know that only one niece showed up the moment that the rest of us had the opportunity to say goodbye and maybe share something. Puts things in perspective, again.

As soon as I had space for it, I wrote a card to the whole family wishing them good luck processing the loss of their loved one. It feels right. What I've learned is that I had largely overestimated my responsibility towards others and underestimated it towards myself. I was under high pressure, and not in good shape when this happened. It would have been quite taxing for me to bike there (likely in the rain) and mingle with people I hardly know. And still I felt like I had something to answer for if I didn't go. Like my kind of chronic illness still doesn't count (not in the least in my own mind). The situation shed some light on a part of complex trauma that had been rather obscured to me. Good to see that. 

Marcine
Thank you very much for that beautiful quote from Ralston. It moves me to tears that you see me like that. I can't recall any experience of another person mirroring this back to me. I don't think I've ever met another person who let me know they groked what has become my basic attitude/practice. I recall talking about the great relief that happened for me once I started to meet life as it is, and being compared to Jobu Tupaki. If it's anything that it isn't, it's cynical. Post aya, I've sometimes called my life horrifically beautiful, and what I practice radical inclusivity. It is rich indeed. Ralston phrased in a great way. Luckily I have all but one of his books still on my list of books to read.

zen_racer
A belated welcome to the forum and thank you for being here!

[zen_racer]

SenseOrgan, I'm glad that someone helped you see that you were not obligated.  I relate to the automatic feeling of having to go.  I myself am only coming to the realization that I need to go very LC or NC, so this scenario will likely come up for me.

Thank you for the belated welcome!  I'm starting to really like this place, and all the people I get to interact with here. 

[NarcKiddo]

I'm so happy that you called your uncle friend and that you then realised your assumed obligation was not an obligation at all. I'm glad you didn't go, since you didn't want to go and had no moral obligation to attend. It's nice that you sent a card to the family.

I've not attended some things that in past years I would have seen as an obligation. Some of those my FOO still saw as an obligation and my non-attendance did not go down well. The initial decision to look after oneself instead of the others is a really tough one to make and to live with but it's a good experience to have and gets easier with time.

Well done.