Ideal Parent Figure Protocol [IPFP]

[SenseOrgan]

What Is the Ideal Parent Figure Protocol?
The Ideal Parent Figure Protocol is a therapeutic technique which aims to help those with insecure attachment styles transition towards more secure attachment. It was created by a team of psychologists as part of a "Three Pillar" model of attachment treatment, where it featured alongside building skills in self-awareness and collaboration1. The IPFP is also used in the first stage of treatment for Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, but our article will focus on its use in attachment theory.

The Ideal Parent Figure Protocol uses guided visualization to create a mental image of caregivers who were consistently supportive, attuned, and responsive. Instead of picturing your actual caregiver, you picture a whole new person who meets all of your childhood attachment needs to build a new internal working model (which is like your mental map of the world) of security. This might sound far-fetched, but research has found it to be an effective tool for self-soothing and healing attachment wounds.

How Does the Ideal Parent Figure Protocol Work?
A neuroimaging study at University College London found that the brain processes things we experience and things we vividly imagine in very similar ways. In theory, the IPFP might work because vividly imagining a secure, attentive caregiver can give your brain the real experience.

There are five key components to the Ideal Parent Figure Protocol which are based on the five pillars of secure attachment. These are:
Felt security: The imagery should provide a sense of safety.
Feeling seen and known: Visualizations should attune to and validate emotions.
Felt comfort: The technique should feel soothing and provide support during times of distress.
Feeling valued: The visualization should include figures which express delight and unconditional acceptance of the individual.
Felt support: The imagery should encourage self-development through encouraging growth, independence, and exploration.
By focusing on these five components, the Ideal Parent Figure Protocol fosters healthier self-compassion and emotional regulation, which can in turn lead to better relationships with the self and others.

How the Ideal Parent Figure Protocol Addresses Attachment Difficulties
Restructuring your internal working model into one that sees the world as safe and others as loving and caring builds the secure base you need to form secure attachments.

For example, if your caregiver wasn't around often then you might have built an internal working model of attachment figures as typically absent and not there for you when you need them. By vividly imagining your ideal parent figure as someone who is there for you whenever you need them, your internal working model can shift towards a view of attachment figures as reliable and present.

Using the Ideal Parent Figure Protocol
The Ideal Parent Figure Protocol is ideally used in a therapy setting, where a trained therapist or counsellor can help you to co-create new experiences. Their guidance helps you to imagine your ideal caregiver giving you everything you need and keeps you on the right track if your visualization starts to blend with real memories.

It's possible to use recorded versions of the IPFP for your own self-guided visualization, but you may wish to try a few different options from qualified mental health professionals to see which resonates the most with you.

Important: Remember that the IPFP is supposed to be self-soothing – if you find anxiety, fear, or other negative feelings coming up during visualization, you may wish to stop and try again with the support of a mental health professional.

Who Can Benefit from the Ideal Parent Figure Protocol?
The IPFP can be particularly helpful for people who:

Have experienced emotionally immature parents or caregivers
Struggle with anxious attachment patterns in relationships
Experience avoidant attachment and difficulty with emotional intimacy
Have fearful-avoidant attachment characterized by push-pull relationship dynamics
Are working towards earned secure attachment
Have experienced abandonment issues or childhood neglect
The protocol can be used alongside other therapeutic approaches such as attachment-based therapy to create a comprehensive healing approach.

Limitations and Considerations
While the IPFP shows promise as a therapeutic tool, it's important to understand its limitations:

It may not be suitable for everyone, particularly those with severe attachment trauma
Professional guidance is recommended, especially for those with complex trauma histories
The technique requires consistent practice over time to see meaningful changes
Some people may find visualization challenging or triggering initially
If you're considering using the IPFP, discuss it with a qualified mental health professional who can assess whether it's appropriate for your specific situation and needs.

Conclusion
The Ideal Parent Figure Protocol is a therapeutic technique which uses vivid imagination to create "memories" in which we have ideal parent figures who meet our unmet attachment needs. By doing this, we can restructure our internal working model to one where attachment figures are safe, reliable, and loving.

Although it is possible to practice the Ideal Parent Figure Protocol through self-directed approaches, exploring the IPFP with a therapist gives you more support and guidance. https://www.attachmentproject.com/psychology/ideal-parent-figure-protocol/

[SenseOrgan]

TW/watching this video can evoke emotions related to trauma. The exercise makes it very clear what was missing if your trauma was developmental in nature.

In this video, Dan leads you on a visualization designed to help re-map and heal trauma caused by  unhealthy aspects of the parent-child relationship. You can learn more about Dan's work in this area at https://www.attachmentproject.com/  and also his personal website https://www.drdanielpbrown.com/

Daniel Brown, Ph.D. was Associate Clinical Professor of Psychology at Harvard Medical School and has served on the faculty for over 38 years.

An author of 24 books, and winner of the 1999 Guttmacher Award from the American Psychiatric Association and the American Academy of Psychiatry & Law for outstanding contribution to forensic psychiatry.

As an expert legal witness, Dr. Brown has testified in over 200 child abuse cases and served as an expert witness for prosecutors at the International War Crimes Tribunal, helping them establish a standard of evidence for victims of war atrocities.

A senior meditation master, Dr. Brown has trained and taught with top Indo-Tibetan Bon & Buddhist lamas for more than 48 years, including lineage holders from some of the great schools of Buddhism.

Dr. Brown Co-Founded The Attachment Project based on the foundations of his award-winning book Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for Comprehensive Repair.

The Three Pillars treatment method has garnered praise across the scientific and medical community, which was the recipient of the 2018 ISST-D Pierre Janet Writing Award.


Dr. Daniel P Brown - Imagine Ideal Parents (Powerful Exercise) | TheBCCP

[SenseOrgan]

Reparent Yourself - Why is Ideal Parent Figures Effective? | Ideal Parent Figures FAQ

[TheBigBlue]

Sorry, I probably shouldn't be writing this post, but am I the only one who wasn't really touched by the video?

In fact, I think I ended up feeling frustrated because I felt like I was somehow failing at it. I'm not trying to be a naysayer at all — I know this approach has helped  people. I'm just wondering whether anyone else has had that reaction, or what it might say about me? 💛

[Marcine]

Thanks for this interesting info, SO.

TheBigBlue,
I created an internal version of ideal parents over many years and it has been very helpful to me. I did not work with a therapist or know of the official protocol. It was an intuitive thing. And I am glad to hear the notion is being promoted, even as I know from experience that there are infinite ways to create ideal internal parent figures.

I also enjoy working with Tibetan singing bowls as were in the soundtrack of the Daniel Brown video.

And... my point is— the Daniel Brown video did not jive with me at all. In fact, I didn't want to listen past a few minutes. Who knows why, maybe his particular vocal inflection, energy, personal style, purple collar shirt 

And that's ok. It's ok it didn't click with you. There are so many flavors of communication to sample. We aren't meant to like them all.

I don't think our reactions mean anything particular about you or me or SenseOrgan or anyone. We can respond as we feel in our gut. And respect our feelings.

[SenseOrgan]

TheBigBlue
No worries! Your experience is valuable. I'm glad you shared it here. It could mean multiple things. Yet I highly doubt anything negative about you personally is part of that. As far as I understand, the IPFP isn't designed to simply work right away (or doing this on your own). So that may be playing into it. And it may not suit you (at this moment). It turns out I'm terrible at this. Though to me that's validating and inviting.

I didn't watch the video, but only listened to the audio on an mp3 player. Quite a lot happened. I cried when I Brown was describing ideal parents. The fact that this is so alien to me struck a nerve. I also noticed resistance to this approach, which is interesting to me. I never gave imagination much of a try because I considered it unrealistic. Well, yeah, it is! I'm starting to see that my "realism" was part of my internal working model. My trauma matrix. This kind of approach was far-fetched to me because it's a million miles away from what I've learned to be true about myself and the world. Now that is precisely what the IPFP is helping to update. There was a gap going on for me I haven't been able to see/bridge for decades!

An important part is that it's no coincidence I'm open to this now. In the past 18-ish months I've had multiple profound therapy sessions in which I could open up to connection with my therapist. In a completely vulnerable, age-regressed state. Those experiences updated my internal working model. So hearing the exercise now, I have something to reference and expand on! It's no longer 100% fantasy to me, which is why I can see value in this approach now. I have no idea if this is going to work for me, but I see why Brown and Elliott made this into one of three pillars of their approach. This isn't about installing a fantasy, it's about changing the expectations we constantly project onto everyone and everything. I've been working with that for a long time, but not as fine-tuned as in this approach. I'm interested to see how far I can get with this.


Marcine
Wildly fascinating you found your way there on your own! Hooray for intuition!  Encouraging too. Any tips for this newbie? Do the singing bowls have a specific function? Would you share something about your progress? Specifically about what helped and didn't help in the beginning?

[Marcine]

This is just my own experience, I have no understanding of the official protocol around this stuff.

I write fiction and, as an author, I'm comfortable creating characters, settings and engaging with them via my imagination.

I explore first meeting new characters in that hypnagogic state of almost asleep, but still writing. My alert mind is off-duty and my unconsciousness has some room to play. I think it was in one of those free-form sessions several years ago that I met the parental characters that I now have built a relationship with in my imagination.

In my opinion, the process is the way forward and the joy. Not any kind of finish line. The video posted above in this thread called "Why is Ideal Parent Figures Effective?" touches on why the whole notion can work.

I can't imagine this working without practicing some self-trust and giving oneself permission to peer into one's needs and wishes (unmet and current)... with a willingness to explore the creative process.

It would be fantastic if more therapists were on board.

The singing bowl is a separate and distinct kind of fun for me. Maybe Daniel Brown had gongs and bowls in his video as influenced by his study of Buddhism, I don't know.

[zen_racer]

I find this to be an interesting concept.  I get the idea behind it.  It seems like the building blocks are similar to how reparenting works, and imagining being that ideal parent towards the inner child or part.  But it also makes me a little sad realizing that I never had any examples of what that ideal parent would be or look like.  How am I supposed to imagine something as realistic that has never existed in my life?

It makes me wonder if I could draw on characters from a TV show, or if I should read books on parenting so I'd have a better idea of what ideal should be.  Frankly, there have been a couple tv shows that were almost on the boring side but I couldn't stop watching.  What was common about them was how wholesome they were, where family did support each other.  I even recognized that was what drew me in when watching.

I appreciate what Marcine said about this.  About writing and being comfortable with coming up with characters and engaging with them in imagination.  I think Marcine's description is very helpful.

[SenseOrgan]

Marcine
This is very helpful. Thank you for sharing. I find your approach really beautiful and wise. It resonates. I find myself eager to explore the possibility of developing IPF's, and the way you created/found them is inspiring. And I'm happy to let it unfold at it's own pace and in it's own way. It makes intuitive sense to me that this is a bottom up process, that's heavily informed by the primary consciousness that's also front and center to my therapy. I think they'd go together beautifully.

I went through nearly all the YT material I could find about the IPFP. I love it when dots are connected in my mind while sifting though this kind of content. When I was writing the intro for the "this has nothing to do with CPTSD" thread, I intended to mention something van der Kolk said but I forgot. It came back just now. Van der Kolk said trauma robs you of the ability to dream. And Brown was quoted in an interview as having defined trauma as a lack of imagination. But Brown et al. formulated the most straight forward protocol to reclaim that abilty that I've come across. I really appreciate that it's aimed at the preverbal, so the felt sense of the interpersonal good stuff. As the little one, not to him (as I'm afraid parts work is often subtley restricted to).

What I'd like this to become is a different orientation. I imagine myself developing this ever deeper bond with the IPF's, that form increasingly more of my internal working model. This should work well with mindfulness too. Becoming aware of a trigger or a difficult state can function as cue to bring up the IPF's and to reinforce them.


TheBigBlue
Elliott mentioned in an interview that one client used skunks as IPF's. They don't need to be human per se.


zen_racer
I'm sorry you feel that sadness. It comes up for me too. And it's mentioned several times in the podcasts I've listened to. What I've learned is that part of connecting with our needs via the imagined ideal parents, there also comes a deep realisation of what didn't happen. And everything that followed from that. This does involve a lot of grieving.
How to imagine something as realistic that has never existed in your life is actually very simple but not easy. The IPFP helps to uncover a childs natural needs. A lot of us had to dissociate those to survive. To be honest, I've been uncovering them for almost thirty years and it's ongoing. And I also think my path to here would have been shorter if I had some proper help/guidance/info.
I like your thought about the TV shows. I think you had already started the process right there. I'm going to borrow that and tune into the traits I appreciate in TV/movie characters.


That leads me to sharing a link I found about human traits that MIT published. It may come in handy. 
I'm not a visually oriented person, but I think AI could actually be of help here. I could possibly use an ideal parent figure generator at some point. I never work with AI, so I'm open to suggestions (not in any hurry).

[Blueberry]

or if I should read books on parenting so I'd have a better idea of what ideal should be.

I found reading fairly modern books on parenting very helpful, especially when my Inner Teens or even my Inner 11yo and 12yo turned up. I drew a total blank on how to deal with that age group. Just reading was helpful for me and had some sort of internal good effect. I remember the I suppose you might call it proactive stuff. How to parent before there are any problems, how to help your young teen or pre-teen develop in a well-rounded way.

SenseOrgan, I haven't read through the protocol or watched the videos/listened to audio, but I remember about 20-odd years ago my then therapist did an imagination exercise with me where I was to come up with an ideal mother figure. I still can remember her vaguely, but I didn't use her much, she didn't really appeal to me. Much later with other therapists, I came up with imaginary protective animals /helper animals. Sometimes they occurred spontaneously, like a porcupine, which accompanied me for a long time. Sometimes however I get sudden intrusions, which is what happened with my original Ideal Mother figure. At that time, it felt like a re-traumatisation, tho maybe I was 'only' very badly triggered I don't know. I'm much better at dealing with intrusions now.

I hope this turns out to be a tool which is really helpful for you, SenseOrgan.

[SenseOrgan]

Blueberry
Books about parenting! That's such a good idea! Thanks a lot for that suggestion. This subject is getting me busy, haha.

Protective/helper figures/animals appearing spontaneously sounds ideal to me. I'm leaning towards tuning into the child's needs as much as possible, and more or less waiting for the IPF's to bubble up. Most likely as a "feeling tone" at first, and perhaps as a visual image later. Is that somewhat like the approach you took when you were working with this?

With regards to the intrusions, do you mean you experienced re-traumatisation because it turned out that the protective figure wasn't able to protect you from what entered your awareness? I can imagine that must have been very difficult to deal with. I'm happy to hear you're much better at dealing with intrusions now though!

There are quite a few layers to this. To me it's refreshing to picture myself at any age in a child-parent situation that's actually happy for me to exist. It challenges deeply seated beliefs about myself and the world. I feel myself wanting to try on that experience like a different coat or something, getting a peak of what it's like to be securely attached. Just finding this angle already does a lot. Something has been set in motion. There's something significant in this for me, even though I'm not sure what shape it's going to take. Another way of saying that is: I like where this is going. 

Thanks for your kind words BB 

[Blueberry]

With the intrusions  - I mean unfortunately that a protective figure would suddenly turn against me in some way. Like the Ideal Mother figure back then, once when I imagined her as I was meant to for therapy homework, she did something to me that my real M did in my childhood...

That wasn't something I could just snap out of back then.

[HannahOne]

SenseOrgan, thank you so much for sharing about IPFP. I wrote about it in my journal. I admit Dr. Brown's appearance, something about his eye gaze, was off putting to me but I just closed my eyes. He is a little emotionally flat and that was difficult. But I found the material moving. To imagine what I needed and did not get. I could feel my nervous systems responding.

It occurred to me that I have semi-formed internal parents already. A former therapist once did something like this for me, she gave me a recording of her voice doing such a meditation. At the time I was deeply attached to her, because of her proactive presence. She moved when I moved. Her eyes widened, narrowed. She talked with her hands. She leaned forward, sat back. Her speech was slow, and she would often rewrite the sentence while talking, ie, repeat certain phrases as she was speaking... her intonation was very melodic. Something about her voice enchanted me. As you can see I was deeply attached! It didn't even matter what we talked about, I was just fascinated by the tone, body language, facial expression responses. It made all my insight work irrelevant in the moment.

In pondering after she retired it became clear that babies need love to be translated into physical attunement. It's the only way they can take in the attention, love, mirroring, presence of the mother. If the love is not translated into body language, facial expression, tone of voice, it might as well not be there at all because the baby cannot access it but through the nervous system. My mother's nervous system was totally dysregulated and she was not present enough to translate her love for me into something I could use.

I was particularly interested in the claim about how IPFP works, that "A neuroimaging study at University College London found that the brain processes things we experience and things we vividly imagine in very similar ways. In theory, the IPFP might work because vividly imagining a secure, attentive caregiver can give your brain the real experience." I was my mother's therapist, and as a toddler and preschooler experienced her dysregulated sharing the details of her trauma, I feel that I was traumatized. Because I vividly imagined it, it was as if I experienced it.

Knowing how powerful vivid imagination was in creating some of my trauma, I'm even more encouraged to use imagination to complete the circle and get what I needed. I've been thinking about my own experience as a mother and how the prolactin and other hormones made me so permeable, present, playful, patient. How time slowed down. Something about slowing down is really important in the dance of attachment. I dug up the recording my therapist had given me, and I'm going to use it and IPFP in the days ahead to create some of that secure safety I've been missing lately, that proactive presence and sense of being, as opposed to being so driven as if in danger. Thank you for sharing.

[SenseOrgan]

Blueberry
Gosh, that's horrible. I hadn't even thought about this possibility. Have you learned to "snap out of" such situations later?


HannahOne
Thanks a lot for sharing your experiences and insights. It seems I'm the last person here finding this approach, haha. I love what you describe about your therapist. It brings up good memories for me. You're spot on about the translation to body language, I think. That's not 80%, but more like 100% of communication preverbally, right? Responsiveness is a big one too, I'd say. That too is communicating to what degree we matter and are understood. It's all a mirror in which the baby/child "sees" who she is and what the world is like. At the start even without a single word being understood. On an non-trauma level this is amazing.

I'm so sorry for what your mother did to you. Especially for a child having to relate to her mother like that, it makes perfect sense it affected you so deeply and negatively. Am I right in assuming that the line between imagination and "reality" is more blurry in children to begin with? I mean their more impressionable, I think is the word, right? It's quite bitter to have in hindsight proven the concept of the neuroimaging study. Some years ago I dabbled a little bit in sports psychology. I think the power of imagination is much more established than just that one reference suggests. What may also play into this is that you have a certain talent for this, being a highly creative person. That may have been to your detriment in the situation with your mother, but it would be great if the opposite is going to be true now. Completing the circle, indeed!

My mind is going all sorts of places with the prolactin and other hormones. I think this ties into what Marcine shared about the hypnagogic state, and my own PSIP experiences, so in a non-ordinary state of consciousness. In my experience we're more receptive/open when the mind/ego is taken down a notch or two.

You have a wealth of knowledge and experience to draw from. I'm eager to follow your adventures in this realm. I'm actually having fun with this. I hope I'm not the only one.

[HannahOne]

SenseOrgan, you asked "Am I right in assuming that the line between imagination and "reality" is more blurry in children to begin with? I mean they're more impressionable, I think is the word, right?"  I think so. There is some debate about "right brain/left brain" and how rigid those divisions really are, BUT, part of why parts work can work is that the brain is literally parts, it's a left hemisphere, a right hemisphere, an amygdala, etc. So before age three, children are right brain dominant. That means that they don't have much logic. They are like a sponge. Much more impressionable in a nonverbal way, and so, more vulnerable. Yes, this is bitter. Here is just one article speaking about child development. I remember being on alert when my kids were toddlers thinking about what they were absorbing, and of course, not wanting them to absorb my alertness, LOL. https://www.vincegowmon.com/the-right-brain-develops-first/

Mirror neurons also play a role. I think those of us who had dysregulated or unavailable or abusive mothers had our mirror neurons activated in unhelpful ways. To put it mildly.

You also might be interested in studies in neuroscience that show how our mirror neurons work. When someone gets a limb amputated and has phantom pain, no pain meds tend to work, as it's the mind generating the pain, the nerves are all cut! What can help is looking int he mirror and moving the remaining limb. So if your left arm was removed, and yet hurts, look in the mirror and move the right arm. The brain can be soothed into seeing a healthy "left" arm, ie, all is well. I am fascinated by this right now as I face a kind of amputating surgery. How the mind creates pain and also how it can create ease and a sense of "okness" in part through the miracle of mirror neurons.

Yes, DMT is apparently a prolactin bomb! That's part of how it works although of course there's so much we don't know. I was never so chill, such a Buddha, so "everything's fiiinnee duuudde" as when breastfeeding. The prolactin was incredible! I could sleep through anything while always being slightly alert for the baby.

modified to add:
Sorry, had to start dinner for kid quickly

I wanted to add that prolactin wasn't just "I'm fiineee" it was also about connection, a merging. Part of why I was so fine is that the baby was fine, and the baby was fine because I was fine. It's the UN trauma. A virtuous cycle of fine-ness.

 The baby was me and I was the baby in a way, we were literally attached, but also our sleep cycles were sinking as just when my body was starting to overflow with milk, the baby was waking up hungry, we were totally in synch. This merging, loosing of ego boundaries is one aspect of attachment. Of course as adults it's important to have interpersonal boundaries but there's a gradual shifting of the boundaries between mom and baby in my experience, cutting the umbilical cord is just step one, there's a fourth trimester where you're still kinda one being. I couldn't eat garlic or the baby would get an upset tummy!

It's also a huge perspective shift. What used to matter, no longer matters. Job? Eh! All that matters is love, assuming you have enough food... al that matters is this connection, bond.

Different people obviously experience it differently and so much affects the mother's hormones and therefore the pair, a traumatic birth, unwanted pregnancy, individual variation. This is just my own experience and thoughts on attachment, hormones, and healing.