Desert Flower's Recovery Journal

[Chart]

I don't want to be almost okay all the time, pretend I'm okay and keep pushing through anymore. I'm not okay.

Hey DF, I hear you. I feel exactly the same. I keep reflecting in my mind about "constant pain". I compare myself to others and wonder if they experience "constant pain" like I do. My conclusion is, no. Aside from people here on the Forum, people who know they suffer from Cptsd, no... there is an absence of that deep deep understanding. For me it goes deep. But I don't want to be a "martyr" either! I hate that idea. Honestly, I'm not sure what I want, excepting the idea you wrote too:

I want this to go away.

I feel like that's the little child in me... please please please just make this go away... We all know, there are days when this feeling pushes us to our absolute maximum. Truly, the triggered worst of the worst... a place I wouldn't wish for my worst enemy...
And then you wrote this:

I know I can feel better.

Thank you DF, that said it (for me). No platitudes, no fancy metaphor... just fact. That sentence evolves beyond the idea of acceptance (which I personally believe in, but that's just me, and it doesn't mean giving in or giving up...) Your sentence is agency. "Determination" is too strong a word for me, because I'm more often than not a blob of miserable inability... but nonetheless, I know you are right, because I have and continue to experience just that... I feel WAAAAY better than I did two years ago. And it's SOOO important that I remember, remind, reinforce it in my head. Cause the contrast is just so powerful still... And now I'm rambling in your journal :-)
I've just thought of Carolyn Spring and how she phrases it, "I'm not exactly where I want to be... yet."
Thanks DF, sending love...

[Desert Flower]

Thank you Chart, for rambling in my journal, which is actually validation. It's helping me feel better.

I was just thinking, apart from this forum, do I know anyone IRL who can really understand how this feels, and the answer is no. So that is what this forum is to me, validation.

 

[Chart]

DF, I get exactly that too. Validation through identification that others feel similarly and that I am not alone is so beneficial. Just that has been a HUGE game-changer in my life (to put it mildly). I want to continue. I'm currently building up the energy and working through ideas as to how to start a support group in my local area. I'm not ready yet, but it has been in my mind for a long time now and I'm confident I'll do it when I feel internally ready. It is my personal belief that Cptsd (or Developmental Trauma) is THE reason for all the strife, conflict and misery in the human condition across our little planet. I see no single other thing capable of explaining the horror and behavior of "many many" humans, especially ones in positions of wealth and power, those most capable of having wide-reaching negative impact on others. For me, Cptsd is not an excuse, it's a fact. And as a collective, we need to start making it known. I believe awareness (consciousness) is our only hope as a species to continue evolving positively. I shudder at the alternative.

(DO NOT give me permission to rant in your journal... I cannot control myself on that one!!!

Thanks DF. Staying hopeful, staying sane, staying together...
 

[sanmagic7]

hey, DF, first i want to say how well i think you're coping, what with having a job, kids, outside activities, therapy, driving to meetings - so much stuff i would not be able to cope with at all, yet you're doing it!  maybe you don't see it cuz of EF's, anxiety, how you feel, or cuz you don't do it 'as well' as others, so to speak, but thru all that i see you running a household and so much more!  i'm impressed, and give you full credit for doing so much in spite of whatever else you go thru.  i hope you can eventually give yourself some credit as well.

good for you for talking to your B, even if he doesn't want to pursue it.  as long as you felt good about it, and he didn't take offense, i see it as a win.

good for you for calling in sick.  i agree - tired of feeling almost ok for too many years.  sometimes i get a couple hours of feeling better, but it normally doesn't stick. 

i also agree about getting validation from folks here.  there is no one i know irl (except my D) who can understand, try as they might.  luckily, i have some very supportive people, and that's extremely helpful, too.

i see you making some steps forward.  keep up the good work.  love and hugs