(A lot) Truer than "I" thought - TW

[Desert Flower]

(not sure where to put this)

I'm going through a rough time. Not working at the moment. That feels like failure, which is not helping me feel better.

I've thought about writing something about 'Acceptance'. Why could I (apparently) not accept what is going on with me? I read all these books, been having therapy, been telling people I have C-PTSD, etc. And here on the Forum, with great friends who truly understand, I've been talking about being triggered, parts, central nervous system, dissociation, etc. But at the same time, I didn't really feel it had sunk in, that this was really about ME. As if I was talking about having parts, but some part (HA, a Part!) did not really want to accept that this was really going on with me. I hope I'm making sense. I've been trying to make sense of this. I've been wanting to write about it too, but I didn't understand enough to.

- Trigger warning -

Last Sunday, I had another terrible EF, it really wasn't pretty. My daughter did something funny/ strange, she went out skating at near dark/ actual dark in the park behind our house and stayed away for an hour (she's fourteen) and that just set off all the alarms with me, it triggered me massively (- Trigger warning - I got raped the first time at fourteen). I ran into the dark wailing "where are you???", "what are you doing???". Getting soaked in the rain too, running around like a mad woman. I'm very ashamed of my behaviour. It took me several hours to calm down a little bit.

So this was a wake up call. Visited the GP (entrance to mental health care in my country) the next day, who was new and sweet and quite alarmed at the state I was in, and who promptly enlisted me for 'specialised mental health care' which is mental health care for more complex/heavier cases. And I'm relieved that she did, that help is on the way because I cannot do this by myself anymore (or at the moment at least). And in the meantime (there will be a waiting list) she will want to see me twice a week. So there you go. Properly mentally ill.

And I've been thinking, why did I let it come this far? Because I had seen some signs. I knew I was overdoing it, keeping on going like I was.

And just now I read Janina Fisher's book "Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma" and I am beginning to understand, I think.

These parts I had identified (but not really felt, admitted them into the light) are a lot more separated than I thought. And I have a very strong 'Keep on going'- part. Really, very strong. Managing all our affairs, performing professionally, taking care of the kids etc. And this part really did not want to know - and I'm starting to think - could not know how the other parts were doing (not so well). Because the other parts got separated because otherwise the trauma would have been too hard to deal with. They got separated for a reason. They got separated for real. That is why the knowledge of what was going on with me did not sink in, the separated parts knew, but the going-on-part could not take it in, because it felt it needed to keep-on-going. But the other parts were starting to make themselves heard more and more and became stronger and are now taking up their space. And these parts had been afraid that they were making this up, would not be believed, because they had not been believed.

I think this is also the reason "I" could not cry. This is actually the keep-on-going-part that cannot cry. Some of the other parts can cry big time, I noticed. Cried their eyes out they did. And I've apparently got an SI-part too. Keep-on-going-part did not know that either.

And I am in fact dissociating a lot more than I thought too. I read the examples of memory problems associated with this phenomenon and I have a LOT more of these than I thought. I dissociate many many times a day. I do not know where "I" go in the meantime. My husband does not see this happening either, I don't think he thought there was that much wrong with me either, but I explained to him and he's accepting what I say.

So this is now making a lot more sense to me. And it's comforting to the parts that have been crying out for help. And the keep-on-going-part has had to step back now. Taking care of (all of) myself first, hoping to get through the holidays somewhat, stabilising myself first and then taking some new steps into the new "Assembly of Me". Hoping to get better.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry you are struggling. I've also had some lightbulbs switched on by Janina Fisher.  I am sure this knowledge will be helpful to you going forward. I'm sorry you had such a horrible EF. Well done for going to the GP and I am happy to read she is helping you.

 

[Desert Flower]

Thank you, NarcKiddo, much appreciated.

 

[SenseOrgan]

Thank you for posting this. Eloquently! I think it's brave to acknowledge painful truths about yourself that weren't quite conscious before. From over here, it looks like you are handling this emotional storm very well. Those truths can hit like a ton of bricks, and sink in deeply because it challenges our self image. Like the image swings to that side heavily for some time, perhaps for the unconscious to really make the point, if it were. It's scary, and undermining stability. It's wise to reach out in such a state. There will be more space for that which you are also, besides "mentally ill", post/during new assembly, I like to think. Some parts seem to be integrating. It could mean that you are ready for it, and actually becoming more whole through this. Sending you a big hug. 

Much love

[Armee]

I relate to all this too well. Im so proud of you for going to your GP and getting help. 

[Blueberry]

I relate to a fair chunk of this too.   

[TheBigBlue]

 

[Desert Flower]

Thank you all, dear friends, for being here with me. It means a lot to me.
 

SO, thank you for your comforting words, I'll try to look at it that way.

And I'm sorry for those who can relate so well 

[Armee]

 

It gets better with acceptance and accomodation for where you currently are at. It's a starting point not an ending point and it is trauma, not mental illness. From everything I have heard it is very common to start reliving the trauma when your child becomes the same age you were when it happened. It'll get better and I am so glad you have 2x per week support.

[Chart]

DF, thank you for sharing this. I was very deeply touched. What popped into my mind (and this might just be me) is that the greatest "love affair" we have perhaps in our lives is that long inexorable awakening as to who we ourselves truly are. The reality of the layers just keeps peeling back and we find ourselves over and over again, going deeper and deeper. Often this is a painful journey. We come to "remember" the unimaginable and the pain seems re-born with all it's intensity and newness, horrible in its conception. But it is necessary (imo), just as bubbles must rise to the surface. I've heard it repeated here over and over and I agree, I would prefer to know the truth than to continue blind never truly knowing who I am or could become. It seems to me that this is indeed what you are doing, embracing the things that are truly happening and seeing them for what they mean. Nothing is be more admirable to my way of perceiving.